xiaodery / 2k / ?
yearning. one sided love that isnt one sided. abandoned bc i lost interest sorry lol.... there's some gaps in this at places my bad
AS ALWAYS, IT STARTS LIKE THIS
Guanheng is nursing a red solo cup, unfortunately enough, at a party. He’s pretty sure it’s Johnny’s party, but honestly, who’s to say when the invite came from Ten.
The bass is booming. Yangyang has poured several mystery drinks into one 32oz plastic University-branded water bottle and is going around daring people to take shots from it. Kun is pleading with him to stop. Ten is cackling, hanging off his shoulder and wine-drunk. So nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing at all.
Guanheng wishes he was buzzed, but this beer is light and his tolerance has only increased as the semester etches on and on. He’s sitting on the couch, taking a break from listening to Mark and Johnny excitedly talk over each other about this new project they’re doing. Which is, like, awesome. But Guanheng had a three hour lecture earlier this afternoon, and all he wants to do is sink into these couch cushions and become one with the pleather.
Across the room, he can see Dejun in the kitchen, talking to some guy. A new transfer. Guanheng’s seen him around in the International Student Association, which is probably why he’s even here - most likely invited by Kun. He’s tall, handsome. Dejun’s type.
Dejun laughs at something he says. Leans in closer, grinning widely. His hand tracing the guy’s bicep.
Guanheng tracks the movement with his eyes.
It’s an old song and dance. They go to a party, Dejun finds a guy. Guanheng keeps an eye out to make sure he’s not a creep. Dejun and the guy leave, Guanheng stays. Guanheng drinks. Guanheng does not find a guy of his own.
“Why so glum?” Donghyuck yells in his ear, at one point. “You want Tito’s?”
Guanheng turns to him, manages a smile. Tearing his eyes away as the guy puts his hand on Dejun’s waist. “Yeah, sure.”
“Drink up!” Donghyuck sing-songs. “We’re doing shots soon!”
Donghyuck pours a couple shots worth of vodka in his beer, which is a god-awful combination, but generally encapsulates the direction these nights typically go in. On nights where Guanheng is more reserved, they tend to pilfer the drinks onto him. You’re so much more lively when you’re drunk, according to Ten.
Not that Guanheng minds much. Sicheng is playing designated driver for him and Dejun, and Guanheng’s pretty sure that Dejun isn’t gonna be going back home with them tonight anyway.
As if on cue, Dejun and his mystery guy trail out of the kitchen, towards the front door. The freshmen dorms are only a few blocks away. Guanheng tries not to think about where they are going.
Dejun is beautiful. As always. He’s wearing tight pants and a low-cut shirt and Guanheng had watched him pain-stakingly spend an hour on his smokey eye before they left earlier. It’s nice that he’s found a guy he likes.
Dejun turns around. Catches Guanheng’s eye and smiles, nodding. A goodbye. Guanheng smiles back. Mystery man pulls him out of the door behind him.
Guanheng downs the rest of his drink.
-
WELL THE TRUTH IS
Guanheng couldn’t tell you how many guys he’s seen Dejun wander off with. At parties, at mixers, whatever. Guanheng couldn’t tell you how many times he’s woken up the next morning to Dejun trailing into their shared dorm room, smudged makeup and a tired smile. Guanheng couldn’t tell you how many times he’s ran down to the dorm hall, grabbed them breakfast, and made Dejun coffee as his roommate stands in the shower and washes last night’s guy off of him.
Guanheng couldn’t tell you how he’s able to just watch it happen. Over and over again.
Meeting Dejun was a blur. It was freshman year. They were randomly assigned roommates, both international students. Dejun, at first, was just someone to talk in Canto with. But then he was also one of Kun ge’s little friends, and he was Guanheng’s study partner, and he was challenging Guanheng to League matches, and here they are now, some time later.
Guanheng is in love with him. Dejun does not feel the same way.
It’s fine, most of the time. They’re best friends and Guanheng tells himself that this is enough. They eat dinner together in the caf, go out on Fridays, spend Sundays studying with their desks next to each other. They share clothes and go out to bars and Guanheng lords the one inch height he has on Dejun while Dejun uses the fact that he was born a single month before Guanheng to order him around.
They’re best friends. This is enough. It is.
Dejun is beautiful, he is impossible to contain. He is the greatest thing to happen to Guanheng, which is the reason he tells himself that he never needs anything more than what they have. As long as Dejun needs him, he’ll be there. As long as Dejun wants him, he’ll be there. As long as Dejun smiles at him, and brings him coffee during finals week, and is always the first person to wish him Happy Birthday, Heng!, this is enough.
It is. It has to be.
-
TEN-GE IS, OF COURSE, A CATALYST
“Guanheng, are you a masochist?” Ten asks him one day, while the two of them (and Kun) are out at lunch in the caf. Though Kun has his nose buried in a physics textbook and is pointedly ignoring them. “I’m starting to think you might be.”
Guanheng pauses what he was doing, which was twirling spaghetti onto his fork. Ten is looking at him in concern, which is worrying, because Ten is friends with Yangyang and despite Guanheng’s many oddities, he is an angel in comparison. Hardly anything to ever be concerned about.
“Um…” Guanheng says. “Is this a proposition, or…”
Kun promptly chokes on the banana he is shoving into his mouth. Ten grins, slapping him on the back. So, not a proposition. Certainly Kun would be in on it if it was.
Not that their relationship is, like, open or anything. Kun is as boring and monogamous as they come and Ten has an infamously mile-long possessive streak. But when it comes to them, you can never be too sure.
“No, it’s just an observation,” Ten says, still smiling. Kun is giving them a wary look, now. Whether or not he knows what scheme Ten is attempting to pull is uncertain. “I’ve been watching you, recently. And I’ve noticed something very interesting.”
He’s being vague, which means he is being careful. Ten Lee is not a vague guy. He doesn’t spare feelings. But he can be awfully soft on the underclassmen. Especially if they’re also in ISA. They often make jokes that all the ISA underclassmen are Ten and Kun’s kids. They aren’t. But it makes Yangyang go bright red and sputter, so it’s their favorite bit.
“Okay,” Guanheng says. Because, yeah, whatever. “What’s so interesting?”
Kun looks between them, sighs, and looks back down at his textbook. Nothing good, then.
“You and Dejun,” is what Ten says, eyes narrowing. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
Guanheng purses his lips and looks away.
He’s not a very secretive guy, or great at keeping things hidden. Everyone knows this, which is why the only one who ever keeps him in the loop when it comes to gossip is Dejun, and even then, nothing too serious. But Guanheng can keep quiet when it matters, and he has long deemed his feelings about Dejun to be something that mattered. And something to keep quiet about.
It’s not surprising that Ten has caught on.
Guanheng knows he isn’t subtle. He knows that he spends most parties following Dejun around the room with his eyes, even as people rope him into conversations and beer pong. He knows that he has the tendency to stick to Dejun like a leech if he’s allowed to. He knows that he’s not great at being low-key, and he’s a shit liar, but he was hoping that maybe no one would ever pay close enough attention to catch on.
So Guanheng sighs. He rubs his temple. He puts down his forkful of spaghetti.
“There’s nothing between me and Dejun,” Guanheng says. And that’s the truth. “We’re friends.” Which is also true.
Ten’s lips curl at the corners. Sly and calculating. “Hmm?”
“I mean, you see him at parties,” Guanheng elaborates. And he really shouldn’t - elaborate, that is - because he does not need to give Ten any more dirt on him than the endless supply he already has. But feeling oddly vulnerable, “He likes finding people and sleeping with them. Which is fine. But I’m not one of them, and he doesn’t like me like that, so we’re friends.”
Ten just keeps smiling. He rests a hand on top of Guanheng’s. “So what you’re telling me is that you’re in love with him.” It’s not a question. “And you just go to parties to watch him get laid… as a friend.”
That’s not a question either.
Guanheng goes red. Because it’s not like that, but also isn’t it? Isn’t that exactly what it is? Dejun is perfect and he can get anyone he wants, and Guanheng watches it happen. He lets Dejun cry into his shoulder when a guy breaks his heart. He watches Dejun get ready for dates with men who don’t deserve him. He’s Dejun’s white knight, who will never want him back, who will never return his feelings.
He looks down at Ten’s hand on top of his own. It’s a condescending gesture, but Guanheng has long-learned to not take any criticism from Ten too seriously. He’ll probably forget this conversation ever even happened by tomorrow.
“Guanheng, I’ve seen you be Dejun’s best friend since you were freshmen,” Ten says. “I’ve seen you be there for him, always, and that’s fine! But what are you getting out of it?” He squeezes Guanheng’s hand. “
“Are you just gonna be his lap dog forever, Guanheng?” Ten asks. “At his beck and call, whenever he needs you?”
Guanheng swallows. He does not want to be having this conversation.
“Ten,” Kun says, surprisingly stern. Ten stops and looks over at him. Kun says, “leave him alone. He’s okay.”
Guanheng, actually, is not really okay. But he appreciates the back up anyway. It’s getting a little hard to breathe and Ten just sighs, conceding. Not that he ever concedes to Kun, but sometimes he can read the room, believe it or not.
They go back to eating. Guanheng swallows his forkful of spaghetti and it tastes like absolutely nothing.
-
DID YOU KNOW?
“Oi, Dery,” Yangyang says that night, over VC. They’re grinding Valorant.
(something like xj has a bf)
“Well, apparently he said yes,” Yangyang says. “Isn’t that funny?”
It takes a while for it to sink in. Because Guanheng has long resigned himself to being the second lead.
He said yes, he said yes, he said yes-
Guanheng does not sleep that night.
-
HOW MANY TIMES? FOR HOW LONG?
-
IN THE DREAM HE DOES NOT TELL ANYONE
Dejun is laughing. He is laughing and he is holding Guanheng’s hand. They are sitting so close together, touching all the way from their ankles to their shoulders. Dejun smiles into his mouth. He leans in for a kiss.
Guanheng rests his head on Dejun’s shoulder. This is something so obscenely tender that he knows it is not real. He doesn’t care that it’s not real. Dejun is grinning at him like nothing else matters. Dejun has never looked at him like that. Guanheng wants to see that expression on his face forever.
It is an impossible scenario. Guanheng is embarrassed by its impossibility. Dejun lays his head down in his lap, and Guanheng’s hands stroke through his hair. It is the most beautiful thing to happen to him. A world in which Dejun is his.
“I love you, you know,” Dejun tells him. “You’re my favorite.”
In the dream that he does not tell anyone about, Guanheng is allowed to finally say it back.
-
Guanheng smiles. His jaw clenches.
I know you, he wants to say. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that-