“You got yourself into a situation and now you’re expecting me to bail you out?” Yushi lets the box of files he’s moving from the storage room into his own office fall down against his desk with a clatter. He sends Sion a Look, a frown. “Hyung. Come on.”


Sion’s smile is sheepish. “I mean. All you have to do is tag along…?”


And okay, sure, one could say that maybe Oh Sion is an idiot with a crush on his kid’s teacher who let himself be persuaded into being a chaperone, like, way too easily. You could definitely say something like that. But he expects Yushi of all people to at least be a little supportive. Aren’t they ride or dies for that very reason?


But Yushi scowls. He’s scrounging around in the cardboard box for a certain paper, though he seems much more focused on giving Sion a piece of his mind. “I don’t want to go. Maeda’s got that guy working with him. The tall one…”


Sion tries not to make fun of him as he points out: “You mean Daeyoung? Who you ran out on ‘cause you thought he was-” He sends a sideways glance to where Megumi’s lounged across Yushi’s couch and playing a rhythm game on Sion’s phone. He lowers his voice: “I mean, Yuu-chan, c’mon. You thought he was hot, right?”


“Of course I did.” At least he’s being honest. “I’ve seen him around before. He’s got a nice face. But I don’t- I don’t have time for dating…” Yushi trails off. That’s when he finds the paper he’s been looking for and snatches it up out of the file, laying it flat beside his computer keyboard. “Ugh. Stop looking at me like that.”


Sion doesn’t hold back his smile this time. “But now you sound like me. Since when were you too busy to date?”


Yushi ignores him. His ears are pink. And, well. That can’t mean he’s thinking pure things. Yushi’s track record with romance is short, his track record with casual arrangements way longer. But getting entangled like that in a small town carries a lot more drama. When Sion first moved here he was a little surprised by Yushi swearing on celibacy, but now that he’s settled in the community, he gets it. It’s easier to lay low.


Sion sighs, stretching out his shoulders. It’s the weekend, which means there’s only a few more days until the fated field trip to the zoo, and if Yushi’s going to be this damn stubborn that means he’s gotta pivot. So Sion turns to Megumi and says: “Gumi, honey, are you done with your game?”


“Twenty seconds,” comes Megumi’s answer. And, well, Sion waits twenty seconds.


Megumi doesn’t get free reign with screen time, though that hardly matters considering that she’s pretty disinterested in social media and Sion’s phone as a whole. Sometimes he finds her watching weird Youtube videos on his laptop but they’re never anything stranger than “Deep Dive into My Little Pony: A Media Analysis.” Sion is simultaneously in awe and a little scared of her mind. But that’s nothing new. 


Once the song is over, Megumi looks over at her dad expectantly. So Sion takes the opportunity to beckon her over, his smile is calm and unassuming as it always is: “Can you come here? We need to have a talk with your Yushi-nii.”


Megumi obeys, at least, though Yushi sends Sion a glare before she can catch it. She comes to Sion’s side and leans heavy into his shoulder. Her voice is low, curious. “Is Yushi-nii in trouble?” Sion can’t really tell if she’s being serious or teasing. It could really be either.


“I just need you to tell him about the field trip, baby,” Sion’s smile is innocent. He runs a hand over Megumi’s hair, tucking a strand of stray bang behind her ear. “You’re excited for it, aren’t you?”


And, well. Sion knows exactly how to get Yushi to agree to anything: he can’t say no to Megumi.


“It’s gonna be really fun,” Megumi, of course, is quick to jump into a tirade. She leans all the way into Sion’s lap and hooks an arm around his neck. “You’re coming, right? You can meet Ku-chan! And look at animals!”


Yushi sends Sion a dirty look, which Megumi misses. She doesn’t really care much for reading facial expressions. Sion mouths: You have to come. 


“Do you actually want me to go?” Yushi is really trying to get out of it even though he already knows what Megumi’s going to say.


“Yes!” Megumi smushes her cheek to Sion’s. “Appa’s already coming! I want both of you to be there!”


Sion chuckles and puts a hand on Megumi’s waist as she hauls herself into his lap. She outgrew the phase where she’d climb him like a jungle gym - thank fucking god - but she still has these moments where she can’t stay still and the only way to get her to calm down is by plopping her down someplace, usually someplace on him. Sion can see a muscle working in Yushi’s jaw. His eyes flicker to Megumi’s face before looking away.


And so Yushi, while staring at nothing: “I’ve got work…”


“Please, Yushi-nii!” Megumi doesn’t let up, of course, because once she wants something it’s impossible to dissuade her unless they want a meltdown on their hands. She’s good at understanding that the two of them are busy with work, but she also knows that where Appa goes, Yushi-nii is sure to follow…


Yushi sighs. “Gumi.” He says it sternly, like he’s really gonna put his foot down, but then they make eye contact again and he groans. “Okay, fine. I’ll go.” Wow, he’s really weak, huh.


“Yay!” Megumi reaches back to loop both her arms around Sion’s neck and Sion just lets her pull him this way and that. “They have monkeys. Can you believe that? We get to see chimpanzees!”


Yushi runs a hand down his face. Sion reminds her: “And they have penguins too, baby.”


“And they have penguins!”


It’s easy for Sion to make fun of Yushi and ignore his own predicament, though that’s mostly because calling things with Riku a predicament is actually a bit of an understatement. But Sion’s pretty good at refusing to think about things and it’s not like he’s got a chance with Megumi’s very handsome teacher anyway. On the other hand, Yushi can’t hide his staunch disappointment over having to get along with Daeyoung - he collapses in his desk chair and clicks around aimlessly on his desktop computer like the most petulant twenty-eight year-old child in the world.


“What else do they have?” Yushi asks, his voice listless. Well, at least he’s still trying to appease the kid.


“Snakes! Spiders! Elephants! Pandas!” Megumi’s happy to inform him. “Have you ever seen a panda, Yushi-nii?”


“Yeah…”


“Really? Were they cool?”


“I guess…”


Sion lets Megumi rattle on and on. It’s not like Yushi couldn’t use the company anyway; Sion usually takes off on the weekends but the ryokan’s busy with a holiday rush and Yushi could at least benefit from the morale boost. Besides, Sion’s well-practiced at dialing Megumi back the second she starts getting too overbearing. He can spot it happen in real time when Megumi starts talking about koalas: the life leaves Yushi’s eyes and Sion pats his kid on the thigh. 


“Yushi-nii’s got work to do. How about we go get food and bring some back?” Food is usually the only redirect he has to work with. Raising a kid like Megumi can have drawbacks but she, just like her dad, is motivated by treats. Sion kisses her on the head. “We can get dessert, too.”


“Really?” She’s enticed immediately. “Ice cream?”


“Anything you want,” Sion agrees easily. But then he adds: “Within reason.” The last thing he needs is a sugar crash on his hands. 


But those terms seem to be acceptable to her. “M’kay,” Megumi agrees. “Yushi-nii, what do you want?”


“Anything…” Yushi mumbles, his face in his hand as he scrolls through something that looks mildly important on his computer. But then his eyes glance over at them and he pauses: “Or ramen...”


Sion hauls Megumi up with him as he ambles to his feet. He leans over the desk to pat Yushi on the shoulder. “I’ll get you some ramen, then. It’ll be yummy. Okay?”


Yushi sends him a grateful look and thankfully ignores the way Sion talks at him in his Appa Voice. It’s habit by now, one he needs to work harder at kicking. Yushi only tries requesting: “Take my wallet.”


But Sion flicks him on the forehead. “No way.” And off they go.


Working at the ryokan can be funny. It’s kind of sacred ground, like, in the context of the town, but it’s usually crawling with tourists. Sion keeps Megumi tethered to him until they’re out through the front entrance, then he sets her free to run wild - she’s not an easily distracted kid but she likes poking around inside the hotel and Sion wants to get out of Yushi’s hair, not make more issues.


Megumi’s hand stays in Sion’s, though. She’s not the type to stray and it’s more like she’s pulling him along rather than the other way around. Her voice is firm: “I want ramen, too.”


Sion only clicks his tongue. “Manners, baby.”


Megumi sends him a sideways glance and asks in a purposefully coy voice: “May we please get ramen, Appa?”


Sion knows that he’s playing with fire, sometimes, letting her joke around with him like that. But Megumi’s got a strong personality and he has a hard time fighting what’s always going to be a losing battle. So he just squeezes her hand. “Yah, don’t sass me.” And then: “We can.”


“Thank you, Appa!” Megumi skips the rest of the way to the ramen spot. And, well, at least he tried.


There’s no chain restaurants in town. It’s more of a village, really, but they’re close to some of the other rural communities and with the ryokan, tourism is usually pretty steady. Takeda’s ramen place is in the heart of town. He’s an older guy, his grandkid is in Megumi’s class. Sion’s tried to get them to play together before but little Takeda seemed off-put by Megumi’s frank way of speaking and she had no interest in him. So.


“Ah, Sion-san,” Takeda calls when they enter. He’s already behind the counter. They’re early for the dinner rush. “You’ve got little Megumi?” 


“Yup, it’s gonna be both of us,” Sion says. Megumi jumps high enough to give him a wave over the high counter. 


“I’ve got it then,” Takeda waves back. “Stay seated!”


Sion and Megumi end up sitting at a table near the front of the restaurant. Megumi can be entertained for hours watching people walk by the store and Sion’s just glad she isn’t one of those iPad babies. Her little pigtail’s a mess, as is the rest of her hair and clothes in general, but she’s entranced by the world outside.


It’s cute. She acts much more childlike when she’s interested in something. Sion watches her with an exhale. At least she’s easy to handle in this one way…


Megumi kicks her feet and stares at a flock of birds flying overhead. She’s such a daydreamer. Sometimes Sion wishes he could pay money to see what goes on in her head. Even he’s not quite sure what makes Megumi tick. For the most part her emotions are black and white but she can be fickle about things, or suddenly explosive. She’s only seven, he knows, but Megumi isn’t exactly like any other seven year-old he’s ever met. And that’s fine, of course, she’s his and nothing’s gonna change that. But sometimes he thinks about how much that upset Tsuchiko. Once Megumi was old enough to crawl, she didn’t hit the milestone until a year after she was supposed to. And she was late to walking… late to talking… hated being snuggled… she picked up reading right away but never reading out loud…


Sion sighs. He reaches over the table to smooth over Megumi’s hair and she lets Sion fuss over her without giving much of a reaction. But before he can pull his hand away, she grabs him by the wrist and rubs his palm to the apple of her cheek. She doesn’t even look at him while doing it, still watching the birds. She only says: “Appa, do you think those are pigeons?”


Sion softens. She’s sweet in her own way, naive to an extent that only he really gets to see. “I don’t think so.”


Megumi still doesn’t look back at him but she rubs her forehead into his palm this time. “What are they, then?”


Sion can’t help his chuckle. “I’ve got no idea. Should we look it up?”


That makes Megumi finally look back at him. She lets go of his hand and leans hard over the table, causing the whole thing to rattle. “Yes!”


“Hey, Gumi, careful-!”


They lean over the phone, forehead to forehead. They look through some photos of regional birds and Megumi points at a photo of a barn swallow. “That one.” She grabs the phone. And then - before Sion can even think to scold - she drops it again. “Sorry, Appa. Can I look…?”


Sion bonks her a little on the forehead. He can’t really get upset if she caught herself, though it’s rare that she does. “You can.”


So Megumi reads through Wikipedia of all things while Sion pours himself some tea from the nearby station. She’s an advanced reader. The school system around here isn’t really designed for much besides the basics - the town’s too small for that - but Riku says she’s probably reading at a high school level already. Sion has no idea when that happened because one day he was reading to her and the next she was picking out chapter books at the book store. Or, well, he suspects it probably has to do with that diagnosis she may or may not have, at least. 


Which is… complicated. The whole thing is very complicated. Just knowing that she’s got something diagnosable tends to both be a blessing and the bane of Sion’s existence. He takes a sip of tea and exhales a small thing. 


God. If only there was one good way for figuring out what she needs, huh.


He still doesn’t know if she’ll benefit from going to the doctor or if a diagnosis would lead to even more ostracization. Sion needs to research… or go on parent boards… he just needs to make time for it, somehow. Sion’s doing everything he can to make sure she develops her social skills but most of the time it’s a losing battle, and beyond that he really can’t afford to move to a place that would have better support for kids like Megumi. Sion runs a hand down his face. He watches as she scrolls on his phone. Megumi’s face is stoic as she reads, her eyes only flitting back and forth as she digests the information. Wow.


Megumi reads so fast. Sion can hardly keep up with her. He looks out the window as a barn swallow flies overhead. Is he really doing enough? He has no fucking clue. He doesn’t think he’ll ever know, either. Sion can only try his best and pray that his best is enough.


Parenting is so hard. Holy shit.


Soon enough, Takeda is coming by with a bowl of shoyu ramen. He has Megumi’s order memorized better than Sion does. “This one’s for the little lady…” Something flickers across Takeda’s face when Megumi, still latched onto the phone, doesn’t even acknowledge him.


So Sion, his voice a little too sharp: “Megumi.”


Megumi looks up. She reacts poorly to his tone, her voice flat in return: “What.” But then she realizes Takeda is there and she bows her head. “Thank you…”


Sion has to fight back the urge to apologize on her behalf. He tries not to because the one thing he knows is that he can’t make her feel bad about it, and so the least he can do is avoid shaming her in public. But Sion knows how the other people in town look at him - they think he’s a single dad with a kid who’s rude, badly raised, misbehaving. They don’t know how good Megumi is. They probably never will.


So Sion keeps his hands firm in his lap because he doesn’t want to do anything stupid like snatch his phone back. He has to- she needs to learn. All he does is ask: “Can I have my phone back, baby?”


Megumi hesitates for a second like she’d really prefer to keep reading. But then she hands it back over, biting her lip. “Here, Appa…”


Sion smiles. “Thank you.”


Takeda had left to get the second bowl but he comes back with Sion’s order, tonkotsu. “Here you go, kiddo.” He sends a wary glance at Megumi. “Is it to your liking, Megumi?”


“Yup,” Megumi says. “Thank you!”


Sion doesn’t give much of a reaction because he can’t. She’s still getting a hand of the talk-respectfully-to-your-elders-thing and she’ll probably never be perfect at it if that child psychologist ends up being right about basically anything. So Sion bows his head, too. “Thank you, Takeda-san.”


“Mm. Sure. You work hard, Sion-kun,” Takeda says. Though he mumbles as he walks away. “Lord, that poor boy…”


Sion doesn’t say anything, of course. He claps his hands together and they say itadakimasu in tandem. He knows what people think of him. Being a single father isn’t really the most desirable thing in the world. People are old fashioned. They think every child needs their mother, especially the girls. They have no idea that Megumi has become happier by leaps and bounds with Tsuchiko’s absence stretching on and on and on and on...


So Sion digs into his food and tries to enjoy it even with that bitter taste in his mouth. And he also tries not to let the guilt eat him alive. Though that’ll always be a losing battle, too.


Megumi keeps him busy. They talk about what she learned about barn swallows. Which is a lot, apparently. Maybe Sion should get her a book or something. She’s had a recent affinity for animals though that might just be another phase. And then, when they’re done eating, they get a takeout order for Yushi. They drop it off in his office at the ryokan but he’s nowhere to be found, and so Sion leaves a note: Eat this and go to sleep at a normal time.


“I wanted to tell him about barn swallows,” Megumi pouts. 


Suddenly Sion’s glad that Yushi’s off doing some chore or another. The last thing that man needs is Sion’s little mini-me shouting bird facts at him. “I’m sure we can tell him tomorrow."


They went to the supermarket earlier in the day, the one two towns over, but for dessert they stop at the convenience store. Megumi is very specific about what she likes. Nine out of ten times she only wants ice cream, and then only strawberry ice cream, and then she will consistently choose the same brand they have in the freezer aisle that she’s liked for years. Sion lets her pick something out for him. Of course she gets him strawberry, too. He doesn’t know why he expected any different.


When they head home, the sun is low in the sky and casting everything orange. Megumi isn’t really a touchy kid by nature but for some reason she’s always made the exception with Sion because she’s clinging to him like she always does. Her hand is in his, tightly grasped to the point he couldn’t shake her off even if he wanted to. Megumi always likes him within grabbing distance. Sion doesn’t know how to feel about that, in the context of Everything, and so he asks: “How’s your ice cream, Princess?”


“Good,” Megumi says. It seems she’s used up all of her words for the day. Though that’s not unusual for her. She never elaborates unless she has something she’s dying to say.


“That’s good,” Sion hums. He smiles. There is something comforting in the fact that Megumi, for as unruly as she can be, stays so consistent. That’s maybe the one thing keeping him sane.


By the time they get home, their ice creams are finished. Megumi bolts to the sink to rinse the sticky residue off her hands and Sion follows. He’s oddly tired even though they didn’t do much today other than go to the store and then bother Yushi in the afternoon. He ends up on the couch and Megumi tucks herself into the crook of his elbow before deciding that’s not close enough, yanking up the hem of his t-shirt to crawl all over him.


“Gumi, gentle. At least give Appa a warning…” Sion sighs, though it’s not like he’s really bothered by it. Megumi’s getting clingier with age and there’s not much he can do about it other than let his daughter manhandle him around like he’s one of her stuffed animals. But sometimes she does this thing where she forces her way under his shirt and presses into his skin like she wants to live there. She’s been doing this since she was a baby and it was less strange to have skin to skin time when she was an infant, so it’s just… 


(Well. He doesn’t think this is really typical for a seven year-old girl. Or at least not with their dad. Though it’s not like Megumi gets much of a choice in that case.)


But her face is buried in his neck and her head’s bulging out the neckhole as usual. She’s stretching out his shirt in a really terrible way but that’s fine, it’s a worthy sacrifice. Sion turns on the TV and puts on a child-friendly documentary while he waits for her to settle down. She always takes a while to nose at him like one of those clingy cats he sometimes sees on Instagram reels. 


“I like the way you smell,” Megumi’s voice is muffled as she rubs her face into his collarbone. “You smell like… Appa.”


It’s hard not to be endeared by that. Sion closes his eyes as one of her skinny arms wrap around his waist, the other hand pressed to his heart. He’s noticed that she likes feeling the rhythm of it beating. So Sion runs a hand up and down her back. “As long as you don’t go for my armpit.” And when she squirms to move, he laughs: “Yah, seriously, that’s off limits.”


“I’m just joking,” Megumi sounds miffed, so she obviously wasn't. But then she grins into his neck. “Appa’s my favorite.”


That makes Sion’s smile fade, although not on purpose. He has to exhale very carefully, very slowly, because he’s worried that he might cry or something. “You’re Appa’s favorite too, baby.”


Of course it doesn’t take long for Megumi to fall asleep now that she’s basically being swaddled. Yushi thinks it’s extremely funny that Megumi is seven and still acts exactly the same as she did as a baby, but it breaks Sion’s heart. Tsuchiko spent most of her time at work, so Megumi was pretty much always with him instead; Sion didn’t want her to be with a hired nanny all day and they could afford it, then, for him to not be working. So a stay at home dad he became. And now, all these years later, it’s still just the two of them. 


It’s hard for Sion to understand that he’s all Megumi’s known for her whole life. She’s never complained about it, but the thing that he gets stuck on is how she’s never had it any different. That’s why Sion doesn’t take the trust she has in him lightly. He wants to spend as much time as he possibly can holding her like this; he wants to always be the person she trusts the most. Sion doesn’t know if he’d be able to take it if Megumi grew up and resented him for not doing enough, but even more than that, he can’t stand the idea of not being there for her when she needs him. So Sion never dissuaded her from crawling all over him and burying into his limbs and saying shit like Appa smells like home. You’re my favorite, Appa.



After all, being Megumi’s Appa is probably the biggest honor Sion’s ever received in his life. That’ll never change, either. But he’s always been a little in over his head, doing it alone, and he’s just… it’s hard not to worry. 


It feels so weird to be the only one who’s really seen her grow up since infancy. Sion’s stayed the same size but Megumi is getting bigger, learning more words, growing into her intellect so rapidly that it’s a little frightening. God, she’s so smart that sometimes it freaks him out. Megumi’s vastly disinterested in math but still able to do equations above her grade level, never mind that her reading comprehension is higher than any average elementary schooler’s. She excels in language, too. Sion got her an English book out of curiosity last year and Megumi already speaks it better than he does. They’re not supposed to start learning English in school until next year and she’ll already be ahead in that as well as… huh. She’s ahead in pretty much everything, isn’t she.


Megumi’s smarter than him in a lot of ways and it’s not like Sion was ever amazing at school to begin with. His grades were decent but it took a lot of hard work to get them there. Besides, Sion’s well aware that he doesn’t have the best attention span in the world - his college roommate famously said “I’ve never met anyone with ADHD but you have it, man.” And, well. At least Megumi comes by things honestly. But Sion has always known how to sweet-talk his way into whatever he needed to. That was a necessary survival skill to have when you grew up queer in a conservative town like Mokpo. And so he adapted or he would’ve died. But Megumi, in comparison, is so… she’s so different from him.


She’s not able to adapt. In that situation, she would’ve died. And that’s a hard thing for Sion to accept as a parent. How the hell do you teach her the one thing she can’t teach herself? Sion doesn’t know and he may never know. And that is just- it fucking sucks. It just sucks. 


Sion doesn’t have much besides his work ethic and that makes it difficult to guide someone like Megumi. She’ll probably never have to feel insecure about her academics and Sion is only used to being looked down on. He moved from a farming town to Seoul; he had to quickly adapt to Tsuchiko’s wealthy upbringing; he had to stand toe to toe with her and her aristocratic friends. Sion has always felt a little inadequate. But even then he’s not jealous of Megumi - she’s seven and the last thing she needs is her dad playing what-about-me, so help him - but sometimes Sion still wonders how he had a kid who seems to already know everything. He teases her, sometimes, always as lighthearted as he can: “Goodness, Gumi, is there anything a smart girl like you doesn’t know?”


Usually she’ll give him a genuine answer. Like “calculus” or “I don’t know, I’d like to know more about space…” She’s so thoughtful. She’s always thinking about what there is left to learn. But there are other times the question really makes Megumi think and she’ll end up shrugging: “I don’t know. Appa teaches me things all the time.”


And really, Sion is… he’s grateful. Megumi is a good kid. Maybe she’s better than what he deserves. 


But he still can’t help but wonder, every now and again, if her inadequacies are his fault. It’s hard not to. Tsuchiko certainly blamed Sion for a lot of things that Megumi has been naturally averse to since she was a newborn. She didn’t like cuddling with her mom, didn’t like being dolled up, preferred staying home rather than mingling with Tsuchiko’s friends and their kids. Tsuchiko called it shameful. They argued a lot; they yelled. Sion isn’t stupid. He knows why he has to be so gentle now. Megumi is always waiting for him to raise his voice. He sees it in her face when he chides her - her eyes are expectant. He knows that Tsuchiko’s absence bothers her more than she lets on. But Megumi refuses to talk about it and Sion can’t force her. So he doesn’t. He can only stay gentle, gentle, gentle and swallow down the bitterness in his throat. That's just how it is and it’s- for now, it’s fine. 


It’s not like Sion can trick Megumi into talking to him. Or anyone else, for that matter. Not at this age. She’s obedient to authority figures but she is not friendly with people when she knows they want something from her. She’s oddly perceptive in that way. Megumi studies people closely, much more closely than they seem to realize. That’s why it takes her so long to warm up to people. They need to earn her trust and Megumi is too smart to sit in a doctor’s office and answer their questions when she will already know what’s coming. 


She always gives the same answer: I don’t have a mother. She uses the word mother, specifically, a word that Sion doesn’t ever remember using with her. But Megumi is adamant. I have Appa. All I need is Appa.


Which is… god. He shouldn’t be thinking about that. It hurts, all the way down to his bones, the fact that his Megumi isn’t even aware of the void in her life. It’s the one void Sion will never be able to fill because to give her the love of two people is nearly an impossible task. It just is. 


So Sion doesn’t think about it. Or at least not for now. 


He lets time pass as he lays there with a sleeping kid on his chest, a kid that’s getting too big to be doing this, but alas. At least Sion’s feeling properly exhausted today. His sleep problems tend to compound, phasing between periods when he’s restless and when he’s so tired he can barely get out of bed. Though it’s rarely the latter. Once it’s around nine, he gathers Megumi up in his arms and carries her to his room. You’re not supposed to let them sleep with you at this age, but come on, she’s his baby…


Megumi stirs only when Sion unlatches her from his chest, laying her out over his covers. Her eyes are bleary. “Appa?”


“Bedtime,” is all Sion has to say. He takes some of her clothes from a clean stack of laundry on his dresser. He offers: “You want to change yourself or are you gonna make your Appa do it?”


“‘M sleepy,” Megumi affirms, sprawling out even more. “Appa will do it.”


Sion sighs. But it’s a fond thing. Of course it is. “Okay, then. You’re lucky I spoil you.”


So he does exactly that. Megumi is funny when she’s really tired because she’s functionally a sack of rice, barely reactive as Sion has to wrestle her out of her day clothes and into new ones. She really should brush her teeth but he’ll let it go just this once because there’s no way Megumi’s getting up now. Sion changes his own clothes and gets into bed. Megumi is immediately latching on, again crawling under his shirt like a little worm.


But he’s used to it. “Comfy?” Sion asks. There’s no point in him scolding now, though eventually all of his shirts are going to have insane necklines. And also he has no idea what he’s gonna do once she’s big enough that this is massively burdensome. But that’s a problem for Future Sion to solve. 


“Appa’s comfy,” Megumi mumbles. And then she dozes back to sleep.


Sion lets her stay there. He scrolls on his phone. No matter how tired Sion is, he knows it’s still too early to try and sleep just yet. So he mutes the volume button and scrolls on reels listlessly. None of it is very interesting. Sion scrolls articles instead. That’s boring too…


His eyelids are finally starting to get heavy when a text from Yushi comes in with a gentle buzz: Thanks for the food. Heading to bed now.


Sion smiles to himself, but that’s because Yushi makes it so easy to tease sometimes. So early? You’re getting old lolol.


But his next text is predictably curt: Don’t try me, you owe me for the zoo. Good night, hyung. 


Sion’s smile fades. Well, Yushi has a point there. It’s not like they’re going to have the easiest time on that trip. While Sion likes kids in general, he has a vast preference for his kid, and yet there’s gonna be twelve of them to look after who are almost all infinitely more loud and annoying than his own. So Sion sets his phone aside and is careful not to jostle his sleeping daughter too much as he takes his sleeping pill, chasing it with water. He settles back down when Megumi stirs.


She’s mumbling. “Appa…”


Sion presses a kiss to her head. “Appa’s here, honey...” 


All Megumi does is snore in response. And, well. That’s not unusual either. 


Sion settles down against his pillows and exhales a slow, slow thing. He closes his eyes. The weight on his chest eases some of the restlessness but it can’t turn his brain off. The anxiety is kind of persistent in that way. They’re going to the zoo on Monday and he is ill-prepared for that in a variety of ways, which means he has new things to worry about on top of the millions of other things he’s already worrying about in this dead space before sleep comes for him. 


But the zoo will be… it’ll be a lot. Again, there’s the kids, but there’s also managing Yushi. And then Riku will be there, which is… 


God. Sion can feel his ears burn. He’s pathetic.


Is a tiny, tiny, tiny part of him just a little excited to spend that time with Riku? Well, obviously. Sion is good at compartmentalizing but he isn’t an idiot. He knows what his feelings are no matter how much he denies them, and even beyond that, Riku is kind and beautiful and good with his kid. Like, really good with his kid. Sion’s never had Megumi ignore him for someone else before, and it was just… new. It was new to see someone treat Megumi so gently and for her to reciprocate with affection. Sion’s slightly ashamed that that’s the thing that is swaying him the most, but for god’s sake, he’s the single dad of a kid with special needs. He’d probably kiss anyone Megumi deems as safe, especially if it’s to the point she’s clinging onto them. She’s not even like that with Yushi. 


Sion is hardly in the position to date anyone period, but in the dark of his bedroom it’s hard to disregard the thought completely. Riku is… a very sweet person. And on Monday he was being extra sweet, extra doting. Sion knows he’s being stupid about it but it’s not like he spends much of his life with people who are pretty in the way that Riku is pretty. His hand was big, warm on his arm. Sion felt the touch for days. 


It’s not like he’s looking to date. Of course he isn’t. Things are precariously balanced as-is and that will only add to the mess. Sion needs to take advantage of the fact that Riku’s the first teacher Megumi’s reacted so positively to. She may never have one like him again. But Sion thinks about the look Riku gave him when he asked him to go on the trip and he was- he’s so good. Sion’s never dated anyone who is good. He doesn’t know if he deserves to; he doesn’t know if he can; he’s pretty sure he’s destined to fuck up every person who touches him. 


But. But. 


It’s just- God. Sion runs a hand slowly, slowly down his face. He wants it. He does. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, he wants something, preferably with the cute teacher who treats his kid like she’s precious. Which is so irresponsible of him. Sion doesn’t have the energy to be a boyfriend when the entirety of his life is about being a dad. But a part of him is yearning and Sion is doing everything he can to tamp it down, down, down. Because he can’t let himself feel it. He just can’t. 


You idiot. You already wasted your chance to date. You got married too early and now you have to face the consequences. You don’t get to date around - think about Megumi. 


That’s the thing that’s always echoing through his mind: Think about Megumi. You’re only supposed to be thinking about Megumi. 


So Sion squeezes his eyes shut and wills all the bullshit out of his mind. He doesn’t have time for this. He needs to be a dad before he is anything else, and he needs to be a good dad while he’s at it. There’s a reason Megumi likes sleeping with her ear to his heart and he’s not stupid. She has to come first. He only has room for one person to live under his skin, and of course it’s Megumi who needs him the most.


So, like. It’s dumb. It’s so dumb. Sion’s mind goes back and forth for a while because of course he’s terrible at repressing things once there isn’t the distraction of a needy seven year-old demanding for him. But he falls asleep eventually; listless; unsure; aching. 


Sion aches. He wishes he didn’t. But god, he aches anyway.



 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 



It’s funny. He usually dreams of Megumi, or even Tsuchiko, but tonight he is in a familiar room. It’s the classroom. But Megumi isn’t there - standing in front of Sion is Riku, of course, because not even in his dreams is he able to get this man out of his head.


“Sion-san.” Riku’s voice is sweet, coy. He reaches a hand out. “I know how you feel about me. I see the way you look at me.” Riku’s other hand plays with the end of his smock, teasing it between his fingers. “You want me. I can smell it on you. You want me so bad it hurts.”


It’s a dream, Sion realizes innately, because he always does. Should he be honest? He doesn’t know. He hasn’t known anything for so, so long. He’s not safe even when he’s asleep. He never has been, he never will be. 


“I… I shouldn’t.” That’s what Sion decides on: “I’m not supposed to want anything.”


He doesn’t move when Riku drops his hands to his sides. But then he’s taking one, two, three steps in closer, closer, closer. Riku is a few inches shorter. He reaches up to loop his arms around Sion’s shoulders and Sion, for some reason, lets him.


“But you want me,” Riku whispers. They’re almost nose to nose, their faces a hair’s width away. “Sion-san. How far will you run?”


“I don’t know,” Sion says automatically, because he doesn’t. He watches Riku blink, the shadow of his eyelashes against his cheek. “I-”


Riku leans in. For a second Sion thinks they’re going to kiss but Riku ends up in his neck instead. They’re hugging. Riku is gentle even now. Sion could rip away if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. Not really. God, he’s so fucking stupid. This is just a dream and yet he’s still-


“One day, you’re gonna realize you can’t keep running,” Riku noses into his collarbone. “And then I’m gonna be standing there. And you’re not gonna be able to fight it.”


It’s terrible that Sion knows he’s right. But he stands there, shock-still, hands at his sides. And his voice trembles a little bit as he says: “I won’t.”


It’s futile. Running, refusing to think about everything, the compartmentalization that’s compounding into something terrible, terrible, terrible the farther away he gets from the divorce. But Riku presses a hand to Sion’s heart and his palm is so firm there. Bigger than Sion’s and warmer and far more certain. Riku can feel his heartbeat and how it quickens up as he leans in closer. Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump.


“Right here, you’re saying it,” Riku breathes into his skin. “Sion-san, you want me more than anything.”



 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 



Sion wakes up in the morning soaked in sweat. For a second he’s groggy and confused and vaguely turned on except he’s not because what the fuck. Luckily Megumi’s detached herself from him, plopped facefirst into a pillow. He takes a second to make sure she hasn’t smothered herself in her sleep. 


He sighs in relief when she only sleepily mumbles: “Appa, I want more pancakes…”


Sion slumps over in bed and stares at the sun coming in through the slats in his blinds. The field trip is in two days and he’s having dreams like that, huh. After everything? After everything, all it takes is some fucking teacher with a pretty face to fuck up everything he’s worked so hard for. Of course. Of course. 


This is- it’s too much. Sion runs his hands over his face and gets out of bed. He has breakfast to make and he is… he’s better off not thinking about it. And so he doesn’t, of course. And he can’t. And so he doesn’t. Because he just can’t. Obviously, obviously, obviously. 


Sion can’t let himself want anything more than what he deserves. So that just has to be that.



 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 



It’s two days later when Sion pulls up to the school with Megumi in tow. It’s early, much earlier than usual. In one of Sion’s hands is his coffee, and in the other is his daughter’s hand, and swung over his back is her tiny yellow backpack, and balanced precariously on his head is her tiny yellow hat, and- 


Well. You get the gist.


At least Yushi is already waiting for them by the front gates of the school. He only winces when Megumi goes flying at him. “Hi, Gumi…”


“Yushi-nii!” Megumi, as usual, is oblivious to what that exhausted tone means. She attacks Yushi into a tight hug without a second thought, which makes Sion grin.


“It’s too early for you to be like this,” Yushi is wary but he lets her squeeze him by the waist anyway. Then he sends Sion a look, raising an eyebrow pointedly at his coffee. “Where’s mine?”


“If you think I’m bringing you coffee when my kid fought me over the texture of her eggs all morning, God help your soul.” Sion spares him no pity because yeah, they did get into a minor tiff over breakfast, which ended with Sion on his knees and begging Megumi to take a single bite. But that’s… unimportant. Sion yawns. “Gumi, baby, leave Yushi-nii alone.”


Megumi’s doing her usual routine, clinging onto Yushi and squeezing him hard. Her bottom lip juts out. “But Yushi-nii’s comfy…” Sion can even see Yushi’s resolve visibly waver. Bless his heart - Sion didn’t think it’d be him of all people who’d end up bonding with Megumi, but Yushi’s probably the weakest to her whims out of everyone.


So:


“Yah, you’ll survive.” Sion scoops Megumi up by the waist with one arm and hauls her over his shoulder as she shrieks out Appa! This is pretty much the only way he can peel her off of someone without any tears because the list of things she’s distracted by is (1) food and (2) rough housing and pretty much only those two things. Sion sighs, exasperatedly fond, and pulls Yushi along with him. “Come on. We gotta find her Sensei.”


They trudge onto campus and there are a few kids wandering about who send him sideways glances. Though that’s probably because he’s got Megumi draped over his shoulder, squirming. She’s not upset about it. If she was, she’d let him know. But she’s elated: “We’re so high up!”


“Yeah, honey, we are,” Sion appeases her. It doesn’t take long to track Riku down - he’s idling by the entrance, a gaggle of children already gathered around. Sion calls out: “Sensei.”


“Oh, h- oh!” Riku looks up and realizes Sion’s got Megumi lugged over his shoulder like she’s a log. He squints at them, though that may be because Megumi’s squirming around in Sion’s grip like she wants to be put down. “Oh, Sion-san. Hi. Is-” Riku blinks. “Is Megumi okay?”


“She’s great,” Sion huffs. With that, he swings her back over and sets her down easily on the ground. He’s used to discerning between the bad-squirming and the good-squirming and Megumi’s doing the latter even as she’s set upright. “That was fun, Princess, wasn’t it?”


Megumi stumbles, a little dizzy. But she’s grinning: “Yup.” For some reason she has all this stamina in the morning that Sion never knows what to do with because Megumi’s pretty low energy otherwise. Usually rough housing tires her out, or so does letting her infodump in his ear, or letting her climb all over him until she’s ready to pass out in his lap. Megumi leans hard into Sion’s side as she gets her bearings, still giddy.


She’s silly. Her arms wrap around Sion’s waist and he just pats her on the head with a little sigh. God, how’s her hair already a mess? He just did it for her and everything…


“Oh. Um. That’s good, then.” Riku tucks a stray strand of hair behind his ear - his ear which is red, for some reason - as he sends what may or may not be a quick glance at… Sion’s general shoulder area? His arm, maybe? But Sion’s probably just imagining things because Riku’s looking back down at the stack of papers in his hands just as fast. “Well, anyway. I just printed the itinerary. Here you go.” 


Riku passes one of the papers over. Sion skims over the schedule for the day - different zoo exhibitions, lunch, a puppet show for the kids. It’s normal field trip stuff. Megumi’s still in one of the younger age groups so the hours aren’t long, either. The most challenging thing will be keeping them preoccupied for the two hour drive to Kyoto. But it could be worse, Sion supposes. 


“This looks good.” He folds the paper up and slips it into his pocket. “And I also brought-” Sion turns behind him only to blink, because Yushi’s nowhere to be found. He pauses for a second. Then he looks down at Megumi: “Where’s Yushi-nii?”


As usual, she tattles immediately: “He’s hiding behind that bush.” Sion’s never been so proud to raise a snitch. Megumi has yet to realize that Yushi only sneaks away from Sion for a reason and she’s too good of a girl to keep secrets from her dad.


That’s why it’s no surprise that Megumi is pointing off in the opposite direction, because Sion really should’ve expected that. Yushi really seems adamant on doing everything in his power to avoid Daeyoung, which Sion can only assume is related to the fact that Yushi’s got a complex for the tall ones with puppy faces. Daeyoung is close by, chattering happily to a gaggle of kids. And, well, just because Yushi agreed to come doesn’t mean he’s going to be easy to work with. So Sion turns back to Megumi and pats her head again.


“If you bring Yushi-nii over here,” Sion tells her, “Appa will buy you one souvenir.”


He has to be specific about the number. Because Megumi looks back at him and tries: “Two?”


Sion thinks about the mound of stuffed animals she has back at home that she never plays with. She has one she sleeps with, a little stuffed bunny, and the rest are just strewn around for her to look at. Megumi doesn’t actually enjoy playing with toys for whatever reason. So Sion shakes his head: “One. And dessert.”


Megumi mulls over it. Again, she’s too smart to agree to him so easily. But then she tries thoughtfully: “And a book?”


God, she drives a hard bargain. Though maybe that’s Sion's fault for letting her become such a good negotiator. He wants to argue back because hell, it’s like she thinks he’s made of money or something, but it could be worse. At least she’ll actually read a book. 


And so Sion sighs: “Okay, fine. You have a deal. Let’s shake on it.”


Megumi obliges. Her hand is tiny in his but a deal’s a deal; her memory’s sharp as all hell, she’d hold it to him until the day he dies if she needed to. “‘Kay. I’ll get Yushi-nii.” And then she skips off in the direction of the bush Yushi’s taken refuge in.


When Sion looks back at Riku, he’s being stared at. Not outright. But Riku blinks, his mouth slightly ajar. “Is… is that usually how you compromise with her?”


Sion shrugs, suddenly a little bit embarrassed for reasons he’s not sure of. He and Megumi are very frank with each other. That includes the way they negotiate. If Sion doesn’t treat Megumi like she’s like another adult he’s making a business deal with, she gets all huffy like her life is the most unfair thing in the world. So Sion scratches at his neck. “I mean. I guess.” He sends a sheepish look back to Riku. “Why, does she argue with you?”


Riku just shakes his head. “No, but she’s… um.” He glances over where Megumi’s yelling at the bush Yushi’s hiding behind. “She’s just so straight forward…”


Sion smiles. Because yeah, that’s true. “Like a little adult, yeah?”


Riku’s own smile is something fond. “Yeah, something like that.”


It’s hard not to be proud. Sion’s worked hard on her negotiation skills. Megumi used to be a lot more demanding, a lot more argumentative; she’s not the most empathetic kid in the world and she tends to act like the idea of compromise goes against everything she stands for. But if Sion quantifies things for her, Megumi’s generally more agreeable. There are a few exceptions in which she really drives him crazy, but for the most part she’s such a good kid.


And, well. At least it’s not long before his little genius is dragging Yushi back over to Sion by the hand. It’s hard not to be proud of that, too; of course only Sion’s kid can boss Yushi around like that. It’s genetic.


“Megumi…” Yushi has one hand over his face, his ears red, avoiding all of their eyes.


“That’s what you get,” Sion tells him once they’re in earshot. He chides in Korean to save him the embarrassment in front of Riku: “You’re almost thirty, that shit doesn’t work anymore.”


“I’m not- I’m not almost thirty…” Yushi argues back, but his voice is low and ashamed. “I told you I didn’t want to come…”


Sion nudges him in the shoulder: “But you told Megumi you would-”


“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I want to-”


“Oh, Sion-ssi, I didn’t realize your friend was Korean!” Of course Daeyoung has the most impeccable timing in the world. He comes from out of nowhere. Sion’s never spoken to Daeyoung in Korean before, but he has a- wow. His tone’s so polite. 


Sion shakes his head. “Oh, he’s not-”


“He’s Japanese,” Megumi tells Daeyoung without skipping a beat. She also grabs Yushi’s wrist before he can run away. She says sternly: “Oppa, stay put.”


“I’m not your oppa,” Yushi hisses, though he’s still bright red. 


Megumi’s eyes narrow. “Ahjussi?”


Yushi squints back at her. “Yah, since when was I-”


“Okay, I think we’re already to go!” Riku’s voice is as cheery as ever, reminding them that they have no real reason to be bickering in front of a group of second graders. Daeyoung sends Sion a smile, then one to Yushi, who avoids his eyes. He melts back by Riku’s side easily.


Wow. There’s something a little conniving about that kid, isn’t there. That’s new.


Sion stands at attention. Megumi leans into his side. Sion keeps a hand on Yushi’s wrist in case he tries slipping away again. Since they’re the only chaperones here, they need to be at least well-behaved. 


“Don’t embarrass me,” Sion whispers. “You need to get it together.”


“This is humiliating,” Yushi mumbles back. His free hand is covering his face. God, there’s something wrong with him.


Sion looks back at Riku, who’s looking at him already. Or, he’s looking at where Sion’s holding Yushi firmly at his side. Sion tries sending him a reassuring smile and Riku’s gaze flickers. Great, Oh Sion, you were already terrible at flirting but you’ve managed to get even worse. Sion tries not to dwell on that, which is a futile effort. But, like. At least he’s trying his best despite being almost ten years off his game. 


So:


“We’re going to be in two groups! One group will be with me and Gumi’s dad, Sion-san!” Riku gestures in Sion’s direction, who waves with his free hand. Sion’s ears burn when eleven kids turn to stare at him. Megumi’s still young but a part of him is aware that he has to be cool or else he’ll embarrass her or something…


(But Megumi only presses her face to Sion’s arm. So she’s gonna be clingy today, uncaring of what the other kids think. He really should’ve expected that.)


“The other group will be with Daeyoung-Sensei and his friend… um…” Riku looks right at Yushi, who grimaces. “What would you like to be called?” 


There’s a beat. “Tokuno is fine…” Yushi says, his voice distant.


“Right! The other group will be with Daeyoung-Sensei and Tokuno-san! Listen carefully so you know what group you’re in!” Riku’s cheery tone doesn't falter at Yushi’s attitude but his smile strains the tiniest bit. And then he’s reading off from a list of names. “In the first group is Megumi, Maku, Haruto, Mitsuki, Yuuna, Takashi…”


As the groups are called, the kids shuffle around. Sion recognizes Maku, of course, who hovers at Megumi’s side. It’s funny. Maku looks up at Sion and gives him a very polite bow. “Hello…” 


He’s so overly formal even though the kid’s already been to Sion’s house, like, five times. But Sion keeps his smile nice and polite and friendly anyway. “Hi, Ma-kun. Are you excited?”


Maku nods. “Yeah.” 


He’s a good kid. Somehow Maku’s even more shy than Megumi is. Sion’s met his mom and older sister, both of whom pretty much take care of him full time. It’s unfortunate. His mom, Sachiko, is a very kind woman. She’s about fifteen years older than Sion. Maku was her miracle baby. Her husband was a gambler and his debt was the last thing he left them. It’s passed onto her, the amount significant enough that it’ll inevitably get passed onto Tsugumi and Maku, too.


Maku says he wants to go study medicine in the States and send money back home, Sachiko said when she came over with Maku the first time. It was her one day off in the week, apparently. Every other time Maku came over, he had been accompanied by Tsugumi. Sachiko and Sion had talked about a lot of asinine things, but as anyone could’ve predicted, they ended up on the one thing they had the most in common. It’s not like either he nor Sachiko have it easy as single parents. I’m sure you know how it feels when they say things like that. He’s only seven and he tries to reassure me… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he’s happy.


Yeah, it’s not easy. I have no idea what Megumi’s thinking half the time. Sion poured her some tea. There’s not many single parents in town, or at least not ones with young kids. For me it’s only been three years. Megumi is… He had to look around the living room to make sure the kids weren’t in earshot. She took the divorce too well. And I can’t tell what she really thinks about everything.


Sachiko had smiled wearily. They had that in common, two kids who didn’t seem to care much for the parent who abandoned them. All we can do is try our best, huh. My poor Tsugumi. She and Maku are my lifeline…


Sion had felt much the same. They really are.


Sion has the slightest suspicion that Maku is weary around men. His mom mentioned her ex being abusive, but then there’s the fact that Maku’s back straightens up whenever he and Sion are face to face. Or he’ll hide between Tsugumi if she’s around. Sion isn’t going to push, but he’s made a point to tell the kid that he’s welcome at their place whenever he wants. Sion certainly has more free time than Sachiko does and he can tell that Sachiko herself isn’t fond of the fact that a lot of Maku’s care lands on Tsugumi. Sion’s got the energy to watch him if Maku’s willing to come over; sometimes he comes home with them after school if Tsugumi is busy, though all he does is work on his homework and quietly eat any snacks that are offered to him.


(But Maku’s also a good buffer for Megumi. She’s more agreeable when he’s around and Sion is not above using that to his advantage.)


“Gumi, why don’t you stick with Maku?” Sion prods her. He knows that Megumi is Maku’s only friend and he didn’t come here today to keep her to himself.


Megumi looks up at him. She squeezes in closer. “But Appa’s here…”


“But Appa’s always here, everyday,” Sion is a little exasperated. Of course he knows that he’s Megumi’s favorite person, but it’d be nice for her to branch out more. And yet, of course, that only makes her cling harder.


“I wanna be with Appa,” she pouts. “And I wanna look at the monkeys with Appa…”


Megumi’s being more stubborn than usual. So Sion’s gonna have to do some real parenting, huh. He really wishes she weren’t so much like him in the way she gets so haughty right off the bat, but alas…


Sion sends Maku a smile and says: “We’ll be right back.” He keeps Megumi tucked into his side and wanders off with her so they can talk in private. Megumi’s social aptitude is a mix of being overly self aware to the point of anxiety and so oblivious in other ways that it hurts. In moments like these, she’s not even able to tell that other kids will judge her if she gets scolded by her dad in front of them, so Sion tries to act preemptively by putting some distance between them and everyone else. 


Though all she does is cling more in response. Of course.


They end up a few paces away, just out of earshot. “Hey, baby.” Sion unlatches her from his waist, but that’s so he can crouch down to her eye level. “Today’s going to be fun because you’re going on a trip with your best friend. Right?”


“Yeah…” Megumi seems a little miffed that Appa’s pulled her off of him but that’s not unusual. God, she’s really just like him, stubborn as all hell.


“So you should hang out with Maku. Okay? Appa’s gonna be there the whole time.” Sion tucks a few loose strands of her hair behind her ear. “Maku doesn’t have his mom with him, does he? You should keep him company.”


Megumi pouts but she looks thoughtful at the idea, at least, as she traps one of Sion’s hands in both of hers. There’s a long moment where you can see the push and pull happen openly on her face. Though, as usual, Megumi decides on arguing just a tad more: “But you don’t normally come on field trips…”


Sion should’ve seen that one coming and yet there’s still some guilt in his stomach. It’s not like he’s the most overworked person in the world but he has to make ends meet. He’s never really tried being the parent who goes on field trips, not when he’s busy and a lot of the kids in Megumi’s class have stay at home moms with a lot more free time on their hands. But Yushi would let him take off every now and again (his best friend knows better than anyone that Sion’s not a slacker, for god’s sake), it’s just that he’s a little too prideful to take advantage of that kindness. Even though, yeah, Sion knows Yushi would forbade him from working if it meant going on a field trip with Megumi.


Sion just has the tendency to get combative about those things on principle. You know, doing anything that could come off as selfish when he’s usually aiming for the exact opposite. But it’s different when it’s for his kid… 


God, Megumi’s really the only thing that can make him cave like this, huh?


“Okay. Then how about I go with you from now on? Hm?” Sion asks. The field trips are rare enough that he can swing it, he thinks, nevermind that Megumi is his only kid so missing out on those things is a little bittersweet anyway. 


She blinks back at him, slightly skeptical. “...Really?”


“Yes, honey. And I’ll be at the school festival in a few weeks. And you’ll spend so much time with me at home, too!” Sion tries to make that clear because it’s true, he was already planning on making time for the festival and pretty much any time he isn’t working is already spent with Megumi as-is. He nudges her a little. “Isn’t that right? Don’t you hangout with Appa everyday?”


Megumi’s less skeptical when he points that out. Her face is working through her thoughts again, a mix between bitter and contemplative. “I guess.” At least she understands that. Because Sion really- he really gives her everything he can. 


So he squeezes her hands, hoping she’ll be a little more lenient with him this time. “It’s true. We’re together all the time, Gumi.” Then Sion gestures back over to where Maku’s hovering awkwardly next to Riku all by himself. “But look, Ma-kun doesn’t have his mom here to spend time with him. See?”


Sion doesn’t know how much Maku has told Megumi about his home life, if anything, and similarly he doesn’t know if Megumi’s told Maku anything. But she nods. Which is- well, that’s better than nothing. 


“Ku-chan’s mom is working…” Megumi murmurs. She’s almost figured it out. Or, well hopefully she has. 


So Sion nods, running his hand through her hair again. “Right. Ma-kun’s mom can’t take off like Appa can. So it’d cheer him up if you hung out with him.” Megumi’s handle on other people’s emotions is fickle so it usually helps if Sion spells things out like this for her. Or at least he’s praying that it does. “We’re gonna spend all day together, right?”


Megumi makes another thoughtful look like she’s digesting the idea. And she says: “Okay. But don’t be too far away, Appa.” Megumi comes in close to squeeze him into another hug. God, she’s so- she’s so good.


Sion hugs her back, of course. He huffs out something amused. “I won’t be far. I’ll be right behind you. Whenever you turn back, Appa will be right there.”


And, well. Megumi’s a very literal kid so now he’s raising the bar for himself. But at least it works. Megumi pulls away from him with a growing smile on her face. “Really?”


“Yeah,” Sion says. Because this is his fate now, convincing his velcro baby to unlatch for two seconds and making inane promises that he has no choice but to keep. He stands up and runs his hand over Megumi’s hair. “Go hang out with your friend, okay?”


“Okay!” Megumi, of course, is always agreeable once she’s deemed the terms to be fair. She squeezes one last hug around Sion’s waist. “Don’t be too far! Remember!”


“I won’t,” Sion sighs. Megumi runs off, though not before sending a glance back. Her grin widens when she sees Sion already looking at her. And, well. He should’ve expected that. 


Goodness, Megumi’s a handful. Not in a bad way, exactly, it’s just… he never imagined she would cling to him like this. Megumi’s always been adverse to touch since she was a newborn, fussing whenever her mom cuddled her. But with Sion, it’s like she always needs him within an arm’s reach. That’s probably not a good thing considering the divorce and all. But like all things with Megumi, Sion’s just trying his best.


So he runs a hand down his face, half-relieved, half-already-too-tired to survive a whole day of this. He rejoins Riku and their group. Maku and Megumi are in what looks like to be a very serious discussion, but when he leans in to hear their murmurs, they’re just talking about Shin-chan. Of course they are.


“Everything okay?” Riku asks him, which is when Sion realizes they must’ve been waiting on him. That is mildly embarrassing. He’s gotta put the brakes on Megumi’s behavior every now and again, but still, he doesn’t usually have to pull her aside in front of other people. 


“Yeah, it’s fine. She’s just a little clingy today…” Sion’s voice trails off as he runs a hand through his hair. “Actually, she’s like that everyday. But it’s worse because I don’t normally have time to do these things with her. I think she’s a little too excited.”


“Hm, maybe,” Riku says thoughtfully before he sends Sion a smile. “But you’re good with her. I mean, she listens to you. Most clingy kids aren’t good listeners.”


Sion wants to take the compliment to heart but it’s hard to feel too confident in his parenting skills when everything with Megumi involves a negotiation. “Eh. Megumi’s a stickler. She’ll agree to anything as long as it’s a fair trade.”


But Riku just smiles and he has a very… nice smile. Sion knows his ears are red. He’s worked hard to get decent at the parenting thing and he’s just glad that Riku has yet to witness one of Megumi’s meltdowns. Like, a real meltdown. They’re usually impossible to resolve unless Sion’s there to console her. Megumi had a few last year that involved Sion leaving work early to pick up his kid, who was crying and rocking on the classroom floor with her hands over her ears. Megumi’s not necessarily explosive but it’s hard to listen to her cry because she’s quick to bawl her eyes out like she’s in pain.


It’s hard to deal with her alone. There’s really no one else Megumi trusts like she trusts Sion, and that makes a lot of things very complicated when she’s already a little… well.


Megumi’s just a bit different, you could say.


“You’ve raised her well, Sion-san. Forgive me if I’m being overstepping, but it’s hard to believe you’ve done it by yourself.” The sincerity of Riku’s words is so straight forward that for a second Sion is almost confused what the hell he’s being praised for. But then Riku explains: “I mean, there aren’t a lot of dads out there who are as attentive as you are.” He laughs. “Or moms, for that matter…”


Sion is… slightly flabbergasted. He’s not completely sure why. But he doesn’t think he’s done much for Megumi to the point that his parenting is anything special. He’s always barely getting by and he’s never had any choice but to do it himself. Sion can feel his face go red. It’s just- wow. That’s embarrassing, too. 


“R-really?” Sion has trouble making eye contact, for some reason. “I don’t think I’m all that. She only has me, so, it’s just kind of… I just try my best…” He trails off and scratches at his neck. Fuck, he’s still so bad at taking compliments. 


But then Riku puts a hand on Sion’s arm and he can feel his face burn, burn, burn. “No, I think your bond is really something special. Trust me. Megumi’s a very good kid. It’s because you’re doing so much for her.”


Sion fights the urge to hide his face in his hands. He’s not an easily-flustered person (that’s a lie), but it’s not often his parenting is appreciated by, like, anyone. Most people look at Megumi and see a spoiled, disrespectful kid, which is pretty much Sion’s biggest moral failure as a parent, but also as a person. It’s rare for people to see past her aloof facial expressions and detached way of speaking. Megumi’s a little different around Sion. She’s giggly, teasing, clingy. Deadpan, sure, and a little too much of a know-it-all, but that’s something she can’t turn off. 


So it’s true that having Megumi’s trust is a privilege that Sion doesn’t take lightly. But for other people to see that is… rare. And it feels really good, to be honest. 


“I don’t know about that,” Sion mumbles. “But thank you. I try my best and it’s not always good enough, I know.” He looks over at Riku and breathes out a shaky laugh. He doesn’t need to get into that - imperfection is probably an implication for every parent anyway. “But I really appreciate you noticing. No one’s ever told me I was good with her before.” Sion looks away. “Because, um. Yeah.”


He sounds about as awkward as he feels, which is very. But Riku’s smile is kind. It’s almost suspicious how kind he is, even to Sion, who is thirty-four and barely holding his life together by the seams. “Of course.” Riku’s hand slides off Sion’s arm. “Megumi talks about you a lot. Or, well. You’re really all she talks about.”


Sion smiles. That’s not surprising but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to just, like, cry about it. He looks over at his kid, his Megumi, whose face is dead serious as she explains the plot of the newest Shin-chan episode to Maku. God, she’s only like him in the worst ways but he loves her so much it physically hurts. Sion’s so insecure about his parenting, and yet Riku still makes a point to compliment him. That’s really- it’s really kind of him.


So, yeah. Sion knows he probably looks like a mess with his flush and slightly teary eyes but he bows his head regardless. “Thank you for telling me that. I’ve always thought Gumi was a really good kid despite everything.” 


Riku watches him with his own smile, though it’s soft around the edges in a way that Sion isn’t going to let himself psychoanalyze. “She is, Sion-san.” He looks like he wants to say more but that’s when the bus pulls up to the front of the school and honk in his direction. “Oh, it’s time to-”


It’s time to leave, then, thankfully. So that’s that. 


It’s just the one bus; they file onboard one-by-one after Riku confirms everything with the driver. Unfortunately Megumi is already making sure Sion’s keeping his promise - she sits herself and Maku down in the first row and points to the second. “Appa, sit.”


“Manners,” Sion reminds her, but it’s more of a cursory thing at this point because somehow he’s already exhausted. He sits down and takes a gulp of coffee before resting his head against the window. A little head pops between the seats in front of him.


“Are you looking, Appa?” Sion can’t believe he made a promise she’d hold him to like this. And yet she always ropes him into these things, enough that he should’ve seen this coming from a million miles away. Sion probably won’t ever learn his lesson, either. Megumi is a little too good at getting what she wants…


So Sion gives her a shaky smile and ignores the headache he already feels is coming on. “I’m looking, baby. But stay in your seat and wear your seatbelt.”


The bus is small considering the size of the class. The kids are chattering nonstop and Sion’s just ready to leave, really, when Yushi passes by. Yushi then moves to sit in the empty seat next to him. But he’s stopped by a hand on his shoulder. It’s Riku. 


“Thank you again for coming, Tokuno-san. I hope it’s not too much to ask you to sit with Daeyoung-Sensei so you can make a game plan for the day together.” There’s a little gleam in Riku’s eye as he says that. Sion’s busy pretending like this is none of his business. If it came down to choosing to listen to either Riku or Yushi he doesn’t know who he’d pick, and that’s something he doesn’t have the energy to deal with right now. Or, like, ever. 


“I- hyung.” Yushi talks to him, for some reason. His voice is edging on pleading. “Can I-”


But Sion turns his head. That earns him an offended scoff. Sorry, Yushi. 


“Please?” Riku tries. “It’s for the kids’ safety…”


Sion isn’t looking at them but he can imagine the mixed look on Yushi’s face. It’s something between incredulous and freaked-out, most likely. But to Sion’s surprise, the petulant boy concedes relatively quickly once Riku really presses at him.


“Okay…” Yushi sighs wearily. He sounds like he’s lived through many lifetimes just this morning alone. There are receding footsteps, a grumble in low Korean…


“Thank you!” Riku is speaking in the cheery tone he uses when he talks to the kids. Sion can already picture the pout on Yushi’s face as he slinks away and Riku sits down next to him instead.


(And then, from the back of the bus: “It’s nice to meet you, Tokuno-san!”)


(“Sure thing…”)


Moments later, the bus starts up and they take off. Riku seems to have very few qualms about Yushi’s attitude, thank god - he’s busy rifling through his papers and that smile on his face is as persistent as ever. For a second Sion just watches him. He wasn’t prepared for their proximity to be so close today, so it’s good that he agonized over what to wear all last night. Which, of course, just ended up being a t-shirt and jeans. He knows he looks plain, never mind the neckline of what he considers to be his nicest shirt being a little fucked-up from Megumi’s daily routine of trying to crawl into his skin. 


But Sion’s paranoia is a helpful thing, on occasion. He made sure to put on some of his nice cologne and pretty much the only piece of jewelry he owns, a watch his dad gave him when he turned of age. It helps the whole “helpless single dad” vibe he knows he has going on. Though Sion’s eyes dart away when Riku looks up at him, hoping he wasn’t caught staring. 


God, he really needs to stop staring…


“Sorry if I seem a little distracted, it’s my first time doing this kind of thing by myself,” Riku says, seeming unperturbed as he laughs a nervous little laugh. “I mean. Daeyoung’s here but he’s not really-”


“No, it’s fine,” Sion reassures him, though for a second he can’t help but wonder if Riku said that because Sion is being, like, needy or something. Which is something he is much too grown to be mulling over, but still. This time ten years ago he had just gotten into a relationship with Tsuchiko. He’s off his game already, and then on top of that he’s been a little too distracted by Megumi to foster his flirting skills. So Sion tries to act cool and calm and very, very collected. “It’s probably stressful to have to do all that yourself. Don’t mind me...” 


He’s even convinced he said that so reassuringly, too. That’s right, Oh Sion, you’ve still got it!


But Riku smiles. “Okay. It’s just that…” Then he laughs. “Sorry, sometimes you look just like Megumi when she wants my attention.” Riku gestures at his face. “Your eyes get all…”


Riku trails off with another laugh, this time louder, and Sion has never been so mortified in maybe his entire life. What the- his voice comes out tiny: “Really?” It’s a humiliating thing to be told by the guy you’re interested in, that’s for sure. Never mind that Riku seems to the find the idea fucking hilarious.


“Well, it’s not a bad thing,” Riku says. “It’s cute when she does that and it’s cute when you do it, too.”


And that is- Well. Okay. 


Okay, sure. 


This is- it’s fine. Sion is totally cool with hearing that, not feeling embarrassed in the least, and he also isn’t taking the implications of that and running with it even though he really, really, really wants to. Because, like, he’s thirty-four. And Sion can feel his face burn red, sure, but he’s so mature about it!


Riku doesn’t seem to realize the implications of what he said. Or if he does, he doesn’t show it. He goes back to sorting through his papers with a little satisfied smile and Sion stares at the back of the seat in front of him. Is it really… is he cute? Megumi looks like Tsuchiko for the most part but she has Sion’s eyes. He never realized that when Megumi pulled her doe eyes on him, he was also… 


No, seriously. What the hell. 


No one’s ever called him cute before. No one besides his Halmeoni or his younger sister when she wanted to be an asshole. Because what the fuck, he’s not cute. There’s just no way. Sion is thirty-four and a single dad and not once in all the years that he was with Tsuchiko was he ever called cute. No, she’d call him “sexy” and “handsome” and whatever else was age appropriate. And yet knowing he’s cute, at least to Riku, is making him… Sion’s stomach almost aches. This is a new emotion for him. Something between shame and bashfulness and longing. 


So, like. Huh. It’s weird. Sion doesn’t know what to do with himself or his hands or his voice, so he keeps his mouth shut while he flushes all by himself. Even he is well-practiced in self preservation, after all.


Except, of course:


“Appa!” A grabby hand pops between the seats again. Sion can see the mess of Megumi’s hair but not much more than that, even when she tries to turn around in her seat.


“You can’t get out of your seat, baby,” Sion sighs. But he leans forward and offers his hand out for hers. “What’s up?”


“Hold my hand,” Megumi says. Or, it’s more of a demand. She wriggles her fingers for emphasis.


Sion is… in disbelief. His daughter is a stage five clinger but this is something else entirely. He sends a sideways glance to Riku, who’s pretending like he’s not laughing. It’s embarrassing. Sion can only thank god she’s not like this with anyone else.


“Gumi…” He obliges, of course, but hell. “At least use your manners.”


Megumi squeezes his hand. “Please?”


Sion sighs. Riku is snickering but hopefully not at him even though it’d be fair if he was. But Sion lets her cling on. Eventually her arm will get tired. Or, hopefully it will. Though it’s hard to not be a little incredulous when she goes back to talking to Maku about what she recently learned about tsunamis as if this is a completely normal thing for a kid her age to be doing.


Sion looks at Riku for help, mostly because even he’s a little flabbergasted by her clinging. Sion whispers: “She’s not like this with you, right.” It’s not really a question.


“No, she’s not,” Riku confirms, though he’s grinning. “Why, doesn’t she only do this to you?”


Sion runs his free hand down his face. “Yeah, I guess so.” It’s not like he’s not grateful to be Megumi’s most trusted person, he just has no idea if it’s something he should be worried about. Though it’s not like Megumi can be dissuaded anyway. Not about these things. So he asks Riku, again in a whisper: “Isn’t that bad, though?”


Riku blinks. “The clinging? I don’t think so. Not if you’re her only parent…” Then his expression turns thoughtful. “Or, well.”


“Is it bad that I give in, then?” Sion asks instead. For some reason he’d really like Riku’s input. “She’s getting worse with age.”


Sion doesn’t often get parenting advice and he asks for it even more rarely. Megumi has enough particular habits of hers that she’s virtually impossible to raise by the book and at that point, most parents’ advice is to resort to the belt or what have you. Which Sion obviously isn’t going to do. But Riku knows Megumi better than pretty much any other adult in her life. And he’s also the only teacher who’s been able to properly manage her behavior at school. 


“Well. It wouldn’t hurt to make some boundaries. Like, she can only cling closely at certain times, for example…” Riku trails off again, scratching at his cheek. “But Megumi is… um. Well. She’s a little unique…”


The implication of what he means by that is obvious - it’s not like either of them think Megumi is a normal kid, or at least not by definition. A lot of typical parenting rules are impossible to implement with her without some kind of accommodation to them. So Sion huffs a laugh. “It’s okay, you can say it. I don’t need to hear that she’s ‘special’ or whatever.” Neither he nor Riku have ever addressed the root of some pressing issues, but Sion knows the word they’re both thinking. “I could get her tested for autism or whatever else but it’s not like we can move. And this town isn’t exactly specialized in those things.”


Riku nods slowly, his expression a little surprised. Maybe he thought Sion was in denial or something. “Well… there’s forums…”


Sion nods sagely. “Trust me, I’m all up in the forums.”


Riku chuckles and Sion, too, can’t help but laugh. Ten years ago, never would he have thought he'd be thirty-four and solo parenting an autistic kid who needs her hand held on a two hour bus ride. God, Sion loves her to death and she drives him fucking crazy, but he’s so used to it by now that it’s hard to imagine what’d it be like if Megumi was a “normal” kid. 


It’d probably be a lot more boring, at least. Megumi keeps him on his toes when she pulls these stunts and Sion wouldn’t trade it for the world.


“Sorry. I wasn’t sure if you knew or not,” Riku says in a low voice. “A lot of parents don’t like hearing the truth.”


“This morning she refused to eat breakfast because I cooked the eggs a little bit different from usual,” Sion says. It’s a little sardonic but at this point he operates under the assumption that she could have a freakout over literally anything. “Maeda-san, she reads Wikipedia articles for fun.”


“She does?” Riku’s expression lights up. “That’s so- for her age, it’s- wow.”


There’s a little bit of pride that swells in Sion’s chest at that, as lame as it is. “Most kids are using Tiktok, mine is using my phone to look up facts about shipwrecks,” Sion says. “I could try to stop her but there’s no stopping her, not actually.”


Sion could be stricter but he’s so busy with work and keeping them alive that it’s impossible for him to be a helicopter parent. Not that Megumi would benefit from that. She’s way too smart to be coddled that much and she actually starts being more open to compromises the more Sion lets her learn. He’s just half-worried she’s gonna give herself nightmares while watching documentaries about the Titanic; he would also definitely prefer that she was into, say, Bluey. Of course he would. But Megumi is an unstoppable force in many, many ways…


“I mean, kids all have natural inclinations for different things. Megumi might develop different social skills if she learns about whatever she’s interested in,” Riku points out. At least he doesn’t seem very perturbed by Megumi’s choice in hyperfixations. He definitely comes off as less worried about it than Sion is. He even offers: “Who knows? It might make her more empathetic.”


Somehow, Sion has his doubts about that. But Riku is right in that Megumi settles into herself more with age and learning about new things. That’s the one helpful thing about her being autistic or whatever it is. Her obsession with knowing more about the world is only making her smarter, and in that vein, slightly more open to more things.


(…Or at least Sion thinks she is. He never dares to get too optimistic, though, because it’s just easier to operate more on the doubtful side when it comes to a kid like Megumi.)


“I guess that’s true…” Sion can’t help but be a little embarrassed that Riku’s trying to make him feel better, but he appreciates it anyway. It’s not often that he gets affirmations that the way he’s raising Megumi is normal in, like, any capacity. Not really. 


Riku hums. “I think she’s doing just fine.” He makes a few notes on his paper and Sion’s just happy to sit there and watch him. Not that he has much of a choice. With his hand in Megumi’s, he kind of stuck leaning a little bit into Riku’s space. 


“This isn’t- you have room, right?” Sion asks after a second of realizing that their shoulders are brushing together. “I can tell her to stop.”


Riku looks up at him. “Oh, it’s- you’re all good.” Riku brushes a strand of hair behind his ear and Sion watches the movement… a little too closely. The tips of his ears are pink. It’s cute. Their faces are an appropriate length apart but still much closer than before.


Sion squeezes Megumi’s hand and smiles when she squeezes back. “Okay, good. Because I’m not actually sure if I can get her to stop.” And just to prove his point: “Hey, Princess, how much longer do you need Appa’s hand?”


“Dunno,” Megumi calls back. And she doesn’t elaborate after that. So.


Riku smiles and Sion’s slightly intimidated by it, even if only because most people tend to be a bit more weirded out by his and Megumi’s relationship rather than endeared. “Really, it’s fine,” Riku says. He seems to be done with his chart because he packs his papers away in a folder and clears his throat. “I was actually interested in talking to you. You know… out of curiosity…”


Sion blinks, mildly confused. “Why, is something up with Megumi?”


Riku shakes his head, his ears redder than before. “It actually isn’t about Megumi…” His hands settle in his lap. “I wanted to get to know you better, Sion-san.”


And that is… oh. Oh, well, okay. Sion needs a good few seconds to process his words because immediately he’s thinking what the hell is there to get to know about me? But then he notices the way Riku’s thumbs pick at each other in his lap and he’s even more confused. Riku’s acting oddly flustered. But there’s no reason for him to be so shy, it’s not like they’re doing anything besides being professionally friendly with each other…


Though that piques something in the back of Sion’s head: But what if we’re not? What if this is something more flirtatious? Huh, what about that?


Except Sion won’t entertain that thought. Absolutely not. There’s no fucking way Riku would flirt with him because he just… he wouldn’t. Of course he wouldn’t, there’s nothing about Sion worth flirting about. Right? Right!


So:


“Oh, I don’t know if there’s anything really interesting about me…” Sion’s having a little trouble making eye contact for reasons that are unrelated to whether they may or may not be flirting, which they- they aren’t. Of course they’re not. He squeezes Megumi’s hand again and exhales when she squeezes back. “I don’t have a lot going on. All I do is keep this one in line…”


The more Sion talks, the lamer he sounds. And it’s awful that he’s so self aware about that. But he glances over at Riku and he realizes Riku’s looking at him a little more closely this time around. Like he’s really hanging onto his every word. God, that’s embarrassing. Sion’s never been all that good at talking himself up unless he really needed to. Again, it’s a survival tactic - in everyday conversation he can get painfully awkward. 


“I think you’re plenty interesting,” Riku says, and there is something about his tone that is pointedly light and innocent. His hands run down his pants. “I mean, there’s the basics. Like your age. I’m twenty-nine, you’re…?”


Sion is a little- no, he’s very confused. None of Megumi’s teachers have ever cared to get to know him on any real level and he’s not sure why Riku would. If this were any other context it’d be almost flirty, wouldn’t it? But it can’t be. Not now. Because…


Because… um. Well. It just can’t. So.


“I’m thirty-four,” Sion says slowly. He watches Riku’s face as he says that, only because their five year difference is- well. It’s not a big deal. And Riku only blinks, his smile unchanging. Sion glances away. “Um. I don’t know. I grew up in Korea?” He says it like that’s not obvious. Good fucking lord. 


It’s just… wow. Sion already knew he was helpless but this is something else entirely. There’s no reason for him to be this awful at small talk. He really must be spending too much time with Megumi - his kid never offers up any information about herself unless necessary and Sion’s gotten used to doing the same. He even prefers it, now, not having to talk unless he needs to. 


But Riku nods something encouraging, and that would be slightly condescending if Sion weren’t a literal idiot. His voice is even-keeled, still innocent: “That’s cool. I grew up in Fukui. Have you heard of it?” Riku’s smile grows when Sion shakes his head. “It’s a few hours from here, along the coast. It’s even smaller and quieter than Kyoto.”


“Oh, that’s funny. I grew up on the coast, too,” Sion scratches at his neck even as he feels like he’s grasping at straws in this conversation. “It’s called Mokpo. My dad’s a dairy farmer.” And yet everything about him is extraordinarily boring besides Megumi, huh.


Except:


“So you really are a farmer boy,” Riku leans in just a smidge closer. There’s no particular tone to his voice but his eyes glint in just the most suspicious way. “Megumi mentioned it once.”


“Um, well. Born and raised, I guess,” Sion says. He has to lick his lips because his mouth’s gone dry. “I grew up doing manual labor, mostly. And then again when Megumi was a little younger, I was…” He skirts around the entire topic of the divorce, of course. “I was managing the farm for my dad for a little while.”


Riku nods. But his eyes are- on Sion’s arms, or maybe his shoulder. He’s not looking at Sion’s face, but he’s looking at him. “Manual labor, huh?”


Sion has to lick his lips once more because his mouth is dry, again, somehow. God, he’s feeling very- he doesn’t even know. “Haha, yeah. But now I just do maintenance at the ryokan…”


Riku’s smile is perfectly innocent but a part of Sion feels like he’s tiny, being put under a microscope. “So the job’s still pretty physical, then?” The second time around, Sion is certain he’s looking at his biceps. What the fuck is going on. 


“...It is,” Sion says. There’s something flopping around in his belly that he’s having a hard time ignoring and so he squeezes Megumi’s hand to ground himself. Riku’s very- he can be intense one on one, but this is the first time he’s been like this. Almost… well, he’s almost…


It’s not flirty, because it can’t be. But it still feels like there’s something-


“Did you go to college in Seoul?” Riku asks, and Sion’s grateful because he was seconds away from doing or saying something very stupid. Riku’s smile is innocent and there’s no way he was- yeah, right. “I was in Tokyo until recently. I moved here last year.”


Sion nods. “I was in Seoul for a bit. Megumi was born there. We also moved here around a year ago.”


Riku’s smile is warm. “That’s nice. So we’re both new in town.”


Sion smiles back, though much more warily. “Yeah, we are.”


They talk for a majority of the trip, mostly about tiny things. Like where they get their groceries or small annoyances about the village life that are non-issues to the majority of people who were born here and still live in town. It’s nice. It’s so innocent. Riku is genuinely curious about him and Sion doesn’t know why he’s so nervous about that. Has it really been that long since he’s given his own life any thought? He’s so used to talking about Megumi. 


Megumi doesn’t eat seafood, Megumi goes to bed at nine, Megumi has to brush her teeth after breakfast because she gets fussy about the taste of mint. Megumi gets picked up at two-thirty and she eats dinner early and she won’t let anyone else pick out clothes for her so the school uniform situation was a nightmare for a long, long few months. But those are the things Sion cares the most about. Those are the things that really matter. His own wants and needs are irrelevant most of the time and he prefers it that way because then he can focus on the good things. Like the Megumi things. Everything he does is for her and that’s just how it is.


But Riku asks him where he went to school and Sion mentions he has a BFA, and that comes as a surprise since he’s only known to be a handyman around here. And then they talk about food and Sion mentions how it’s funny that he’s only been eating ice cream recently, because that’s Megumi’s favorite, but he vastly prefers cake since he has such a debilitating sweet tooth. And it’s just- how has he forgotten these things about himself? All Sion is is a dad and that’s something he’s fine with. But he’s also… he is also a whole entire person to take care of. That’s the realization that really shocks him.


Sion hasn’t thought to take care of himself in years. Once upon a time he was small and needy like Megumi was, once upon a time he was even her age, and yet now he is- he just-


It’s just weird. When Megumi is thirty-four he still wants to be there to dote on her. But there’s no one who dotes on him and Sion’s not bitter about it because he just can’t be. Of course not. But something in him feels so, so, so warm the more Riku asks about him. Riku asks question after question like he’s sincerely interested in all the answers and it’s leaving Sion feeling a little helpless since it’s been so long since anyone, himself included, has given him any thought. 


And Sion shouldn’t be entertaining this. Or at least not in the way he wants to. But it’s hard not to… he feels maybe just a little swayed. But only a little. 


Around the hour and a half mark, Megumi finally lets go of his hand, which Sion comes to learn is because she’s asleep. Of course. Maku’s reading a book and doesn’t seem to be bothered about being left by his lonesome. The closer they get to the zoo, the more the chatter on the bus rises. Riku has to tell everyone to calm down, once, and all the kids right themselves immediately. He has a cadence to him that children naturally listen to - Sion certainly can’t relate.


“We’re not far now,” Riku says when they enter Kyoto. The city’s a big change from the countryside they’re all used to, and so the kids are all busy pressing their faces to the windows. Sion reaches forward to wake Megumi up.


“Baby, we’re almost there,” he says. Sion’s gentle, trying to work with the angle he has to poke at her, though it’s hard not getting out of his seat. 


“Hnng?” Megumi is weary. Her hand is immediately tangling back with Sion’s. Of course.


“The zoo,” Sion hears Maku say. Even he speaks to Megumi gently. God, he’s a good kid. Sion hopes they stay friends forever because Megumi could use the influence in her life. Yushi and Sakuya and even Ryo are good, too, but they are much too conniving for him to have faith that Megumi would grow up well adjusted under their influence. So the more Maku time, the better.


“Oh,” Megumi says, still groggy. “And you’re still there, Appa?”


Sion sighs. “Yes, baby, I am.” But that earns him a happy little giggle in return and he’ll just have to live with this, huh. 


By the time they make it to the zoo, the kids are all raring to go. They zip off the bus and Sion’s careful to make sure no one starts wandering off because that seems like the responsible thing to do. Riku is quicker than him, though. He catches two boys by their backpacks. “Yuuchi, Takashi, come on.”


They frown but let themselves be dragged back into the group. Sion grins a little at the radical acceptance, at least. Megumi’s got one of his hands hostage but she’s talking Maku’s ear off rather than dote on her Appa. Which is an improvement, at least. Sion had to break the news to her this morning that he wasn’t gonna be carrying her around on the trip because she’s a big girl now, and she only resigned herself to her fate because Sion promised her any snack she wanted if her behavior was good. He’s hoping the fact that they shook on it is enough to hold her to the promise.


So while they wait in the queue to check in, Sion checks on Yushi. He’s standing between two kids a good few feet away from Daeyoung; Daeyoung is talking at him. Sion grins when their eyes meet.


He mouths: Talk to him.


Yushi glares back. No.


It’s amusing, but that’s mostly because if Yushi really didn’t want to talk to Daeyoung, he would’ve frozen him out a lot more. Yushi and Megumi have a lot in common in that way, as they both can be plenty incorrigible if they simply just want to be. If Yushi’s entertaining this, it means he’s much more interested in Daeyoung than he’s letting on.


Sion grins. Go for it, Yuu-chan.


It doesn’t take long for them to get into the zoo. They’re all sticking together for now, but there are one or two times the groups have to break off in some of the smaller exhibits. Sion’s just happy to follow Riku’s lead. He seems to have everything planned out already, talking to tour guides and introducing each one of them individually even though not even Sion can keep track of all the kids’ names.


Their tour guide seems to lean into the role easily, though: “Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Kyoto Public Zoo!”


Sion half-listens as they go over rules, safety guidelines, all the like. Riku explained the basics to him in the bus and a lot of the minor things are for the kids. Don’t lean into the enclosures, don’t climb anything, stuff like that. At least Sion can expect Megumi to listen. She has this affinity for animal facts but last year Sion took her to a petting zoo and she was freaking out the entire time, clinging to Sion’s waist and crying when a baby lamb got too close. 


So. Sion feels pretty rest assured that his kid isn’t interested in making friends with the animals, at least. 


First they get to “Beast World,” which has most of the huge predator animals. The kids stare up at giraffes and chatter excitedly around the lions. At one point, Megumi’s other hand finds Maku’s. The funny thing is that both of them are scared.


“He’s gonna eat me,” Megumi buries into Sion’s waist, to which he sighs, because how in the world can she be scared of an animal behind glass. But Megumi’s clinging onto him and Maku’s clinging onto her, and-


“The lion’s not gonna eat you,” Sion tries to point out. “Baby, he’s in his house. You'll be okay as long as you don’t annoy him.” But then he tries taking a step in closer and both kids make scared noises. Sion exhales. “Gumi, you liked that show we watched the other day.”


“But the lion was in the TV…” Megumi doesn’t seem like she’s in the mood to be persuaded.


“Lions kill over one hundred people a year,” Maku echoes.


Sion resists the urge to groan. Of course Megumi infected Maku with the most macabre statistics she knows. Sion doesn’t know where she gets this stuff from half the time - he monitors what she does online and it’s not like she’s regularly searching those kinds of things up - but for god’s sake, she’s gonna start giving other kids nightmares. 


But thankfully that’s when Riku steps in. He’s standing close to the glass with the other kids but he turns to them when he realizes they’re hanging back. “What’s wrong?” He asks, reaching a hand out to the kids. “You don’t want to see the lions close up?”


“No,” Megumi and Maku say at the same time. Sion sends a look to Riku that’s something like I really tried, just so you know. Riku smiles.


“But the lion’s friendly. Look,” Riku points to where a lioness is grooming her cubs. “There’s even a mama lion…”


Megumi peeks up on her tip-toes. She certainly seems to prefer watching that over the bigger lions hanging out by a small pond in the enclosure. “Baby lions…” Megumi stares, then she turns back to Sion. “That’s like us, Appa.”


Sion smiles. Though Maku’s the one to point out: “But she’s a mom. And-” At least he has tact. He ducks his head like he only just realized what he almost said.


It’s not like Sion doesn’t agree with him. Megumi is a logical kid. She likes learning cold, hard facts, and in animals she definitely knows the difference between the parents and the social hierarchies and all of that. Megumi even puffs out her chest. “I know. But Appa’s like my mom, too.”


Oh, god. Riku’s smile almost breaks into a laugh. Sion is half-embarrassed, though he’s mostly amused. The thought is a sweet one, it’s just- it’s funny. Megumi is pretty much surrounded by only men all the time. Of course that’s how she’s seeing it.


To his credit, Maku’s hardly fazed. “Oh, I guess.” He’s so supportive, too. That’s what a real friend looks like. 


So Riku grins and beckons them in closer. “Here, watch them with me, Gumi, Maku. You don’t have to look at the scary ones at all.” His hand is held out right to them in support. 


Sion’s a little shocked that Riku’s able to convince Megumi so easily, but when she lets go of him to take Riku’s hand, Maku follows. Megumi only sends a glance back to her beloved Appa: “Don’t move.”


Sion smiles. “I won’t, baby.” She’s pleased by that answer because she leans into Riku as he crouches down, an arm around their backs. She’s comfortable with him, at least. Sion’s less surprised about that now. It’s been more normalized to him since he found Megumi massaging Riku’s head that one time. He suspected that the teacher was hungover more than anything - that disgruntled expression on his face was unmistakable - but of course Megumi is never able to take a hint even when she should.


So Sion hangs back. True to his word, he doesn’t move an inch. One of the lions makes a sudden movement and several of the kids screech, though mostly in delight. Megumi is instantly clinging onto Riku’s shoulder, hiding her face in his neck.


“Aw, you’re okay,” Riku soothes. Maku doesn’t go for a hug but he, too, looks nervous. “Look, he’s just going to drink water. There’s no reason to be scared. They get thirsty just like you, you know…”


Sion takes a step forward just in case he needs to peel Megumi off of Riku. He doesn’t seem to mind that she’s clinging, but still, it’s the principle of the matter. Though Megumi relaxes when Riku’s hand runs up her back. “But Sensei, they’re so big…”


“They come in different sizes,” Riku tells her. “It’s like how some humans are big, too. And tall. Like your Appa.”


At first Sion doesn’t know if he should be offended by that, but Riku sends a smile back to him and he looks- his face is pink. Sion’s not sure why. Though of course Megumi only reminds them of all of one of her favorite facts in the world: “Appa is 180 centimeters. He’s really tall.” Sion has no idea when she learned this stuff about him, but she just loves telling anyone who will listen all about her beloved Appa.


Riku laughs. “Yeah, he is. So your Appa can be the big lion. That one, there. He’s the head of the pride…” Sion is mildly flattered by the comparison if not a little confused.


“Appa’s that one!” Megumi agrees easily. But then she says, for some reason: “Then Sensei is the mama lion!”


She’s pointing at the lioness still grooming her cubs. Sion almost chides her because he’s pretty sure most people care about gender a lot more than she does, which is literally not at all. But Riku just smiles. “Sure. And look, that one’s Maku. And that one’s Megumi...”


Riku points at the cubs. Megumi giggles. She seems happy with that, and so Sion ignores the Implications because Riku’s just entertaining the kids, right, of course they’re making up some silly family structure so the two of them are less scared of the lions. But it’s not lost on him that that would then make him and Riku the- they’d be the heads of the pride, or the- they’d be the parents… together. 


Is that really how their dynamic should be looked at? Sion doesn’t think so. So he doesn’t, obviously. Haha. 


They move on from the lions soon after that, and Megumi doesn’t leave Sion’s side much when they walk by the rest of the predator animal enclosures. Riku’s presence helps but she’s spooked by the size of the animals more than anything, and Sion doesn’t really want to have to deescalate her every single goddamn time. He only draws the line when she tries climbing him for safety when they get to the wolves.


“Yah, baby, we said you didn’t need to be carried,” Sion resists her gently, though firmly. “Come on. You’re okay. We’re looking at the monkeys next.”


“But- wait, we are?” It’s funny that Megumi was fully ready to argue with him only to be derailed, of course, by the mere mention of monkeys. Then her eyes shine. “Really?”


“Yeah,” Sion says, because they are. He runs a hand over her already-messy hair. He decides not to point out that monkeys are far more dangerous to humans than most of these predator animals she’s so scared of. It’s not often there’s things she’s better off not knowing.


But Megumi seems delighted anyway. “I can’t wait to see the chimps!” And, well. Sion doesn’t think he’ll ever understand how her mind works. But that’s fine. 


True to Sion’s word, they go to the monkey section next. Riku told him earlier that they’re scheduled to do the most high energy activities in the morning before the kids start getting cranky. The reasoning is so sound that Sion realizes there’s no way in hell he’d ever survive as a teacher. He can barely handle his one kid as-is. Megumi damn-near yanks his arm off once she sees a big sign with familiar kanji: Monkey World.


“Oi- Gumi!” Sion’s surprised by her strength first and foremost - does she go easy on him when they usually wrestle or is this a power she only reserves for monkeys? - but then he has to be extra careful to manage her without yelling or accidentally cursing or letting her pull his shoulder out of its socket. So Sion says in exasperated Korean: “Yah, Megumi.”


Normally the tone of his voice or use of her full name instead of one of the millions of nicknames Sion rotates through is enough to get her attention. But today she’s unstoppable: “Appa, the monkeys-!”


Sion tightens his hold on her and slows to a stop. “Megumi.” She struggles a little bit but then she looks back at Sion’s face and seems to realize that that particular tone of Appa’s voice means business, because she goes still. Sion doesn’t let go of her regardless. “Oi. You can’t run off like that, remember? It’s not safe. You could get lost.” 


It’s a little funny. Just a tiny bit. Megumi’s not biting at the bit to escape anymore but she’s chewing on her bottom lip like that’s something she needs to process. “But I’m not gonna get lost,” she mumbles. “The monkeys are right there…”


“Yes, baby, but you have to stay with the group.” Sion resists the urge to sigh as he pats over her head, her shoulder. “You’d be in trouble with Maeda-Sensei if I wasn’t here, hm? The monkeys aren’t going anywhere, honey.”


Megumi has the audacity to pout at him but she must realize the logic behind it because she doesn’t argue back. Thank god - there’s no way in hell Sion is arguing with his seven year-old on a field trip, of all fucking things. “Okay…” she looks down at the ground and squeezes Sion’s hand.


“So you have to listen when Appa tells you to stop,” Sion prods, because as gently as he normally goes on her, he still needs to parent. “It’s for your safety, Gumi.”


Her eyes are still downcast but her shoulders slump. “Okay…”


Sion squeezes her hand. He doubts Megumi pulls this woe-is-me act on purpose but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t tug at his heart strings; she’s his only kid and he kind of lives to keep a smile on that face. “It doesn’t mean you can’t have fun,” he reminds her. “But look, your class is back there. You left Maku-kun behind.”


That gets a reaction. Megumi’s bottom lip sticks out and her eyes are all big and round like she might cry and- God. “Sorry, Appa.”


Sion pulls her into a hug. “I’m not mad at you. You just need to be careful…” He’d never tell her this out loud because he thinks it’s so stupid, but a voice in his head says if something had happened to you, I would lose my mind, I’d probably die. But that’s- Megumi sniffles and Sion crouches down to pull her in closer.


“Sorry,” she mumbles, rubbing at her eyes. “I didn’t- I just-”


“You’re okay. Everything’s okay.” It’s not rare for Sion to comfort her over these things; Megumi is so resilient in most ways but she’s deadly sensitive in others. Sometimes it can take nothing to make her cry. So Sion coos with: “Appa’s not mad. Hm? The monkeys are still waiting for you, Princess.”


Megumi makes a little whining sound but she buries into Sion’s shoulder. “I guess.” Her hands ball into his shirt. “Is Appa gonna look at the monkeys with me?”


“Of course,” Sion says. Sometimes he forgets he needs to reassure Megumi that he’ll always be around for her - it’s not like she has a good track record in the Active Parent Who Is Always Present category. He can hear the class approaching behind them and so he helps Megumi wipe at her eyes. “Aigo. My little crybaby.”


He kisses her forehead so she knows that he’s teasing. She sniffles. “I’m not a crybaby…” She rubs her cheek to Sion’s. “Appa’s so mean.”


“I know,” Sion brushes through her hair. “You’ve got it hard. You’ve got an Appa to look at monkeys with you and a class full of friends-”


“I’ve only got one friend,” Megumi reminds him, and she’s so practical about it that Sion almost laughs. Almost.


So he amends: “Two friends. There’s Yushi-nii. And also Maeda-Sensei. That’s three.”


Megumi’s not convinced but she’s also not crying anymore. “I guess…”


The rest of the class has caught up to them by then. Riku takes a look at Megumi’s teary face and makes the universal face for: is your kid okay?


Sion nods. He’s just glad Megumi has that oblivious social awareness to her when it really counts - the other kids are staring openly at her red eyes and Sion has to fight the urge to hiss at them. He doesn’t remember being so judgemental at that age but he supposes they’re starting to get to that point in their adolescence. So he smiles at Riku and squeezes Megumi in close: “Gumi’s excited for the monkeys.”


“Yup.” Megumi’s much hyperactive now but her smile is genuine. She unlatches herself from Sion just enough to drag him by the hand again as she turns to Riku: “Do you like chimps, Sensei?”


“I do,” Riku shoots Sion a concerned look but he doesn’t seem very worried, at least. Thank god for that. Sion doesn’t feel great about making his kid cry but she’s already hard enough to discipline as it is. Riku only smiles when Megumi reaches for his other hand. “Which ones are your favorite chimps, Megumi?”


“I like the Western chimps,” Megumi tells him easily, back to her normal self just like that. “They make spears!”


“O-oh? That’s interesting.” Riku is a normal person so he’s probably confused by her reasoning, but he’s supportive nevertheless. “What else do you know?”


Megumi’s response is as rapid-fire as it always is. “They travel in packs and they even sleep in caves and sometimes they…”


Sion thinks about nothing in particular as he’s pulled along, albeit mostly because Megumi’s subdued again and it always takes a great deal of energy from him to be any kind of disciplinarian. Megumi is fussy about many things but at home they actually don’t run into a lot of issues since Sion’s pretty much adjusted every facet of their life to her needs, her schedule, her peculiarities. He gets paranoid when he needs to be stern in public. Megumi’s already so anti-social, he doesn’t need to do more damage by making her feel ashamed in any kind of way.


But she’s fine now, one of Sion’s hands in hers and her other hand in Riku’s. Which Sion is… he feels neutral about it, yeah. Riku talks to her so kindly and he gets along with her really well, well enough for Megumi to want to cling to him. That’s never happened before. Or at least not to this extent. She’ll cling to Yushi but she hardly goes to him for any kind of comfort. She’s only ever done that with Sion. And yet she keeps looking up to Riku for his reactions, his questions, his attention…


It just makes Sion feel weird. Like, in his stomach. He doesn’t know why. He’s not jealous. If anything, he’s proud. But now Megumi’s dragging them both along and it’s like they’re a tiny little family unit or something…


…Which is not a thought he entertains. Absolutely not, no way in hell.


Sion casts his eyes down to the ground and blushes. It’s a dumb thing for him to notice. Riku’s just her teacher and it’s his job to do this kind of thing, indulge in her antics. Or at least within reason. But it’s impossible to deny that Megumi feels very differently about Riku than she’s felt about anyone, Yushi or Sakuya or her cousins or Sion’s parents included. And it’s impossible for Sion to ignore that. How often does he come across someone who’s willing to understand Megumi on any real level, let alone to the point she really trusts them?


Maybe Sion’s just been single for too long. Three years isn’t a crazy length of time but Megumi’s such a particular kid that he has to be extra careful who he hangs around. She may not have the innate kind of empathy that a lot of kids her age are at least developing, but she’s closely in tune with Sion’s emotions. She’s extra sensitive in that way, looking to him for everything and knowing that she can go to him when all else fails. Sion doesn’t want to disrupt the trust she has in him by introducing someone new to their already-stable environment.


But Riku is… safe. Or he seems like he would be. Maybe Sion’s thinking is just wishful - it wouldn’t be the first time, hence his marriage with Tsuchiko lasting as long as it did despite the very obvious dysfunction - but it’s hard not to be wishful. Megumi’s never reached for someone’s hand so easily before. She pulls away from Sion when the chimps come into view, only leading Riku to the glass barrier. Megumi glances back at Sion once but then she’s telling Riku: “Sensei, chimps are my favorite. They’re so cute…”


“They are, aren’t they,” Riku crouches down to her level. “Hm. But I think Gumi’s cuter…”


Megumi laughs. “Really?” She sounds so, so delighted. “Sensei, really?”


“Of course! Gumi’s the cutest!”


God, yeah. It’s really difficult to not at least feel some type of way. Megumi defaults to deadpanning or straight up silence in front of most people, but she speaks to Riku almost the same way she speaks to Sion. And that is- it’s so- he never thought he’d-


It’s just crazy. It’s crazy and Sion is very, very swayed by it. Fucking hell. 


Sion hangs back while Megumi’s pressed to the glass. She’s a little too close; Riku gently reminds her not to push and she backs off a little. She even drags Maku into it, who is hesitant but indulgent in her antics. Sion glances over to check on Yushi, who looks like his mind is on a different plane of existence while Daeyoung chats his ear off. Eh, he’ll be fine.


“Appa! You see the chimps, right?” Sion’s relieved that Megumi at least remembers he exists, but that’s mostly because he’s codependent. Megumi’s grin is wide again.


“I see them, baby,” Sion appeases, of course, because he always does. He comes up behind Megumi and rests his hands on her shoulders. “Which one’s your favorite?”


They spend a lot of time in Monkey World. At least Megumi’s not the only kid who's into monkeys, because apparently most of them are intrigued by the very human-like nature of chimps and gorillas. Sion assumed Megumi would be less enthusiastic about the silverbacks but apparently not. She loves all monkeys now. Sion has a feeling that doesn’t bode well for his future. 


Monkeys would be one of her more normal fixations but he’s doomed if they ever get to the same level as Shin-chan. The last thing he needs is another thing she babbles nonstop about to the extent his parents sent her a whole Shin-chan cosplay for Christmas. 


(…Which she wore for weeks on end, of course, wailing nonstop when Sion tried to take it off of her to wash. It’s a whole thing.)


Sion makes sure to wander around with her even though Megumi causes a mild fuss when they have to leave because Appa, I want to look at them more, they’re so cute… Sion lets her whine, but that’s mostly because the petting zoo portion is next and he, too, is hesitant to move on. Megumi’s so skittish around animals when they’re in her face and he really doesn’t want a meltdown on his hands today. Between breakfast and her trying to run off, he’s already done so much mitigation. It’s not even noon yet. 


“You don’t want to pet any of the deer?” Sion asks even though he knows she doesn’t. He just has to make sure she doesn’t feel left out or anything. 


“No…” Megumi doesn’t tear her eyes away from the chimp but there’s something no-nonsense in her tone. So. At least he can say he tried.


Sion isn’t intending on forcing her, though it wouldn’t kill her to at least give it a try. But with the other kids around it’s just… ugh. It’s better to leave her be about some things. So Sion decides to pull Riku aside as he asks as casually as he can: “Can I ask you something?”


Riku’s busy corralling the rest of the kids together but he stops to blink over at him. “Yeah, of course. Is something wrong?” He puts a calm hand on Sion’s arm, which Sion is… normal about. 


“It’s just- um. I don’t want to mess up your schedule or anything, so it’s whatever if not, but is it okay if… uh. Gumi isn’t good with animals coming up to her…” Sion trails off and does a horrible job at explaining what he wants, like to the point he’s confusing even himself. He just doesn’t want to be demanding. Sion knows that teachers have it hard and it’s not like he expects Riku to give Megumi exemptions that the others don’t get, but…


“Oh, she isn’t?” Riku doesn’t seem particularly bothered by that, more thoughtful if anything. “If you want to keep her here, that’s fine. We can handle the others.”


“Sorry…” Sion’s sheepish, but more than that he’s relieved - he doesn’t need any more tears from Megumi today. “I don’t mean to impose. It’s just… um.” He doesn’t know if he comes across as overbearing or not, but-


“It’s okay, really. You’re here and you’re her parent. It’d be different if it were just me.” Riku smiles and releases him, except then he’s taking his phone out of his pocket. “Can I have your number? Then we know when to meet for lunch.” He taps around on his phone for a few seconds.


“O-oh. Right...” Sion shouldn’t be flustered. He really shouldn’t. But Riku hands his phone over and it’s open to a new contact with a name written in - Sion-kun. Which is… it’s slightly presumptuous if anything. It indicates a closeness they don’t really have. But Sion blushes and takes the phone, typing in his number. He can’t overthink an honorific of all things. “Lemme just… here you go.”


He’s not overthinking that now. He’s not. Sion passes the phone back into Riku’s hands as their fingers brush together and Riku smiles with the tiniest bow of his head. “Okay, then. Perfect.” 


His smile is so… he’s so beautiful. What the hell.


For a second Sion is oddly speechless. He has no real reason to be, but he is. Riku huffs out a tiny laugh at what must be a gobsmacked expression on his face. Sion tries not to stare even more and fails. He must come off as insane, like, actually. 


“...Um. Okay. Yeah.” Sion tries to avert his eyes as quickly as he can but he can tell there was a long moment there where he got caught, hence Riku’s laugh and- well. His eyes flicker down to his hands. Megumi’s still pressed up against the glass to the enclosure and he’s just- he doesn’t know why he wants them to brush hands again.  


“Okay, then. I’ll text you soon. It shouldn’t take too long because the kids are getting hungry,” Riku says. The others are hovering by the exit, waiting for him, and so he turns to go. Though not without calling back: “Check your phone, Sion-san!” He’s still grinning something brilliant.


“I will,” Sion’s voice is more of an echo in comparison, feeling as self conscious as he sounds. Riku turns away to join the others and when Sion catches Yushi’s eyes, the asshole is making a face that’s a lot like you’re an idiot, hyung.


And, well. Fuck him. 


The others leave and Sion runs a hand down his face as he’s left with Megumi, who is quite frankly not paying any attention to her Appa nor said Appa’s existential meltdown. Sion’s left to sit with his humiliation more than anything because his kid is shock-still and staring at the baby chimps chasing each other around the enclosure.


At least she doesn’t feel like she’s missing out. Megumi’s really always in her own world, isn’t she…


Sion settles down on a nearby bench and keeps an eye on her while he takes a second to breathe, mostly. He’s been a little on edge today and he can attribute about half of that to Riku, but it’s also not often that he and Megumi go out on excursions. Megumi’s a low-energy kid; Sion doesn’t have much free time to take her out like this since he does everything solo and he still needs the energy to be a parent once they get home, too. It was different when they lived in Mokpo and his parents would frequently take her out on the town or little day trips to Gwangju. Sion’s mostly just glad that she’s a kid who’s easy to please once you’ve memorized the patterns in her behavior. Megumi can do a lot of her own entertaining. She’s happy to stare at the monkeys all day and Sion’s happy to watch her.


At this rate she’ll be exhausted after lunch anyway, and Sion prefers this over a cranky, nonverbal kid. So, you know. Little mercies or whatever.


Megumi watches the monkeys, occasionally pulling Sion along from enclosure to enclosure, but she’s mostly content to watch them on her own. Sion gives her twenty minutes before coming up to rest his hands on her shoulders and lean in to look at them with her. “You really like monkeys now, huh.”


“I think they’re so cool,” she agrees. “They’re like humans but… funnier.”


Sion can understand the reasoning from a seven year-old’s perspective, he’s just not sure to what extent he should encourage her when she gets passionate about her favorite things so intensely. “Do you like them more than Shin-chan?”


Megumi doesn’t even pause: “I don’t like anyone more than Shin-chan.”


And, well. At least there’s that. So Sion tries just for the principle for it: “What about Appa? Do you like Appa more than Shin-chan?”


“Um.” To Megumi’s credit, at least she stops to really think about it. Her hands reach up to play with Sion’s fingers. “Well. Appa is my favorite but Shin-chan is the best thing ever…” She looks up at him wearily. “So… fifty-fifty?”


That’s a big fat lie but Sion appreciates that she makes the attempt because Megumi doesn’t pick up on a lot of things, the appropriate things to say your single parent included. Sion’s used to it by now but that doesn’t mean her honesty doesn’t hurt sometimes. He just chuckles and pets over her hair. “Well. I guess that’s not too bad.”


He can tell Megumi’s losing steam because she only hums and leans into his hand. “But Appa’s still my favorite,” she promises while pressing Sion’s palm to her cheek. “Appa’s like a silverback gorilla…”


Sion doesn’t know how to feel about that. Megumi says it like it’s a good thing but he’s not so sure. “Then what are you?”


“A chimp,” she deadpans, as if saying duh, Appa. Which is fair. Sion should’ve known.


They stand there for a while in mostly-silence, since it seems like the majority of Megumi’s hyperactivity has worn off. She’s happy to lean back into Sion’s stomach, pointing at a specific monkey every now and again with some type of fact about said monkey. By the time Riku texts Sion that they’re heading to lunch, Megumi’s halfway into nosing into his stomach like she only does when she wants to be carried. Sion would prefer not to resort to that, so he whips his phone out quickly. 


He has a text that says: Hi, Sion-san, this is Riku. We’re heading to the pavilion now! Feel free to meet us there!


Got it, Sion types back. And then, just to make things clear: Thank you again for letting her stay with the monkeys. She’s all worn out now and the last time we went to a petting zoo she was really scared…


Lol, Riku says, of all things. And then: Don’t worry about it. I’m glad she had fun!


And, so. If that's all settled, it’s time to get a move on.


“It’s lunchtime, baby,” Sion presses a hand to Megumi’s cheek. “You’re hungry, right?”


“Yup,” Megumi says, though she sends a wistful look back to the chimps. Sion’s lucky she loves food so much, otherwise she’d probably be putting her foot down right about now.


But Sion pulls her away by the hand before that can happen. “Let’s go meet your Sensei, then.”


It doesn’t take them long to join up with the others. Sion gets turned around once but then they find a map of the zoo and the pavilion is easy to find from there. Luckily they get there at a similar time to the others - they haven’t even set out their bento yet. It’s Daeyoung who calls them over because Riku’s helping the kids wash their hands at a nearby sink station. “Sion-san, over here!”


“Hey, Daeyoung,” Sion greets him. Megumi detaches from him to chase down Maku, which is good. Sion sits down next to Daeyoung. “It was fine at the petting zoo, right?”


“Oh, it was. Don’t worry about it,” Daeyoung’s smile is as polite as ever, which would be reassuring if Sion weren’t secretly suspicious that this man is a lot more conniving than he lets on. “Megumi really loves monkeys, huh?”


Sion laughs but it’s more exhausted than anything. “She does.”


He swings Megumi’s bag off of his back and takes out her bento, as well as his own. Sion didn’t have the time to cook her anything extravagant so it’s mostly a mish-mash of leftovers from last night - bibimbap from the previous night’s leftovers and some kimchi his mom sent in the mail. Daeyoung’s eyes shine when he sees it and he asks suddenly in Korean: “Do you make kimchi yourself?”


“Ah, no. My mom sends it…” Sion’s a little embarrassed about it because he could really stand to learn on his own. He just doesn’t have the time, like realistically. Nor the ingredients…


“I make some of my own. I’ll share it with you next time so you don’t have to wait,” Daeyoung doesn’t seem very judgemental about it, though, and Sion’s surprised by how easily he offers to share. Though that’s not where the questions stop. “Where are you from, Sion-ssi? Seoul?”


“Mokpo,” Sion says. “Uh… the dairy farms, kinda.”


Daeyoung nods at that, too. “I’m from Daegu. The fishing villages.”


At least they have that in common. In college people could get real snooty about it considering the vast majority of kids were from the capital area and Sion decisively was not. So he asks: “You went to college in…?”


“Tokyo,” Daeyoung says. “That's where I met Ri- I mean Maeda-Sensei.” He scratches at the back of his neck. “He’s the reason I’m here, actually. He offered me the job.”


“Oh,” Sion blinks. That kind of makes sense, actually. Riku and Daeyoung work with an efficient familiarity to them that would be hard to have after only a year of knowing each other. But what he’s stuck on: “So you’ve known each other for a while…”


“A looong while.” Daeyoung’s inflection is perfectly normal but there’s a glimmer in his eyes that is almost suspicious. He’s similar to Riku in that way, actually. He even drops the coy act: “I have pictures. You wanna see what Riku hyung looked like in college?”


Yes, Sion almost says, but then he gets stuck on Riku hyung. Ugh, he’s so stupid. So Sion shakes his head even though he knows his ears must be red. “No, it’s fine. That’d be a little…”


His voice trails off. But Daeyoung only wriggles his eyebrows: “I can keep a secret.”


Sion manages a laugh despite himself. “No, really, it’s fine. But, um. Thanks for the offer.”


The kids race back to the tables not long after that. Daeyoung relocates to the second picnic table where most of the kids from his group are. Yushi, who was apparently in the bathroom, beelines straight for Sion as Megumi sits down on one side of him; Yushi sits on the other. And he hisses: “Hyung.”


“Yes?” Sion replies in Korean because it’s better that way. Yushi’s got this tendency of being more honest in Japanese and he needs to take caution of all the kids around them. He’s gotten more mindful in Megumi’s presence but he’s still not one to choose his words carefully. Or mince them. Like, at all.


“This is stressing me out,” Yushi says, which is actually a calm way of him putting that, for once. Though he’s sending sideways looks at Megumi. There are downfalls to the multi-lingual thing when your kid speaks both languages. And yet: “He’s so- and the kids are- hyung.”


Yushi whines out the last part. He must be really tired, then. Sion runs a hand down his back. “Come on, it can’t be that bad.” And when Yushi sends him a glare: “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry for forcing you to come.”


“It’s not that…” Yushi sends another look at Megumi, but she’s busying herself with opening her banana milk. “It’s just… ugh...” He groans again, this time even whinier.


Sion lowers his voice: “You’re falling for him…?”


“No,” Yushi snaps. But then: “Well.”


Sion grins. “I knew it. I told you this would be good! You can make some friends in town, maybe do a little…” He can’t think of a child-appropriate way to put ‘have nasty sex in your giant ryokan’. So: “Well. You know. It could be fun doing something casual.”


Yushi looks miffed but all he does is smooth his hair back. “I don’t know. It’s a bad idea and I’m-” He glances over at Daeyoung, who’s already looking at him. Daeyoung waves and Yushi goes pink, scooting closer into Sion’s side. “It’s a bad idea.”


To be fair, he may be right about that. But Yushi can be self-sacrificing when it comes down to it and Sion would like for him to live a little instead of hiding like a recluse in the ryokan. His grandparents left it to him with the idea he’d settle down in this town and meet someone, raise a family. Obviously that was made with the expectation that Yushi is into women, which he isn’t. But it wouldn’t hurt to try…


“But he’s sending you signals,” Sion points out. And before Yushi can open his mouth: “And don’t lie. I can read you when you lie.”


“I wasn’t gonna lie,” Yushi scratches his neck and looks away. His ears are pink. “He’s… I don’t know.”


Sion squeezes a hand on his shoulder and leaves it there for a second. “Then just look at the positives. He likes you, he’s nice, it’d be good to just connect with someone…”


Yushi bristles. “I’m not gonna-”


He cuts himself off when there’s the sound of someone clearing their throat and they realize Riku’s standing over them. He’s smiling, bento in hand. “Oh, are you sitting there, Tokuno-san?”


“Yup.” So much for the niceties. Sion can’t even scold him for it because he’s the reason Yushi’s here at all and he probably owes him a thousand things in return. Like hours of overtime, maybe, or a meal of whatever he wants. Sion will appease him if he has to. 

But Riku doesn’t seem offended, never mind his eyes flickering between the two of them. That’s when Sion realizes his hand’s still on Yushi’s shoulder, which he puts back in his lap. Riku’s voice is lofty and even-toned: “Then I’ll go make sure Daeyoung’s all set. Start eating, okay? You don’t have to wait for the kids, they’re on their way.”


Yushi nods. “Okay,” Sion says, though he can’t be a little suspicious of the way Riku takes a long, long look at the two of them. But then his smile grows.


“Then, eat well!”


Sion sighs. Megumi and Maku say itadakimasu in tandem and dig in. Sion unpacks his own bento, which is mostly for Yushi. His mom sent over some side dishes he misses from Korea; a lot of squid. It travels surprisingly well when she packs it. Megumi isn’t a fan of seafood so Sion always saves it for Yushi.


“Tell your mom I love her,” Yushi is happy to dig in. “I miss this about Korea. The food and your mom.”


“You could tell her yourself,” Sion says. “She asks me why you don’t call, you know. She talks to your mom and they gossip about you.”


“Let them,” Yushi is ambivalent as ever. Of course he is. That’s why Sion is the one who updates Yushi’s mom on what he’s up to, which is usually only ever working, Auntie, all he does is work and play video games. Sion takes Megumi to see her every few weeks. The Tokunos have a cat that she’s fond of, which is starting to be more useful now that Sion knows she’s skittish of animals. The more exposure she has, the better.


Sion would like to get a pet one day. But how Megumi would deal with splitting Sion’s attention would be an entirely different story. She’s never really had to share her Appa with anyone else before…


Hm.


So, almost thoughtfully, Sion picks at the side dishes while Yushi devours most of the food. Which is fine. He’s gonna take Megumi out for ice cream anyway so he’s planning on eating convenience store bullshit later. Yushi idly joins in on Megumi and Maku’s conversation and Sion just watches them with a fond smile. Yushi has always gotten along better with people much younger than him. Maybe that just makes Sion the outlier. He eats some cucumber kimchi absentmindedly as he looks around the pavilion, not really thinking of anything in particular. The weather’s not bad for the summertime and there’s a lovely breeze blowing in through the air…


But then he catches Riku’s eyes, somehow, from the other table. Sion blinks because Riku makes eye contact so quickly it’s like he was already staring in Sion’s direction. But that can’t- Sion can only raise an eyebrow when Riku looks away just as fast, his ears burning red.


What the hell. What was that?


Sion stares for another few seconds before he realizes that that’s just, like, a weird thing for him to be doing. He looks down at his food. His neck is red, he can feel it, but he doesn’t know why. There’s nothing particularly strange going on, but it’s just a little… Was Riku really looking at him? There’s no way, right?


Absent-mindedly, Sion reaches for Megumi’s banana milk. He takes a sip. She’s immediately yelling: “Appa!”


“Sorry,” Sion says genuinely. It was on impulse. “I’ll buy you another one.”


Megumi used to regularly blow up at those kinds of things, and saying that she’s well adjusted over food now would definitely be a lie. But she mostly just huffs. “It’s fine. I guess.” Thank god for her. Sion will beg for forgiveness later.


Lunch passes by quickly enough. And then they have to guide the kids through clean-up. Sion is happy to follow Riku’s lead, who is acting perfectly normal despite the moment from earlier. Yushi is overstimulated but he wraps up Megumi’s bento for her. Really, Yushi’s such a good guy. Sion hopes things work out with Daeyoung - his best friend deserves a little light in his life and a huge puppy with gigantic biceps may as well be that light he needs. No matter how much Yushi denies his attraction, Sion’s not an idiot. Nor is Yushi subtle, like, at all.


So he pulls Daeyoung aside before they head off again. He says in Korean: “Hey, I don’t mean to overstep, but Yushi’s crankiness is an act. I just want you to know that.” Sion lowers his voice: “I’ve known him since he was twelve. He’s always been like that.”


“Oh, don't worry. I figured.” Sion expected Daeyoung to have that gleam in his eyes again, but for some reason his ears are pink. “He’s actually very kind…”


And that is… what the hell. That’s not what Sion was expecting to hear in response. So he squints at him. “..What?”


“Well, he was being a gentleman. Telling me to watch my step and that my shoes were untied and everything…” The more Daeyoung speaks, the more severely confused Sion becomes. He’s talking about Yushi? His Yushi? The same Yushi who ran out of the room the first time he and Daeyoung came face to face? His Yushi who’s been spending all lunch moping about how hard his life is?


Sion’s going to- he wants to hit him. Or something. How dare that brat complain about this giant, beautiful, wonderful man being into him. God is only kind to the most evil people. Sion forces his expression into something calm and says lightly: “Well, then. If he’s being nice…”


Daeyoung grins. “He’s really nice!”


Yeah. Sion is going to strangle him. Of course only Yushi could get someone to fall for him so easily when Sion’s beside himself looking into every damn Riku word says. It’s humiliating and he pats Daeyoung reassuringly on the shoulder even though he wants to just- ugh. 


It’s fine. He glares at Yushi for the rest of the day, but it’s fine. 


They only have a few hours left at the zoo, which is good. Sion’s honestly out of energy and so is Megumi. She sticks by his side as they look at tapirs, aquatic animals, elephants. Maku also seems tired. They’re both dragging their feet when they get to the “Forest of Kyoto” and the kids are presented with a puppet show about environmental crises in Japan, of all things.


Sion is fighting to keep a straight face. Next to him is Megumi, who’s next to Maku, who’s next to Riku. Riku’s eyes meet Sion’s and they both almost break. But that’s because this is the most absurd thing for them to end the day on, holy shit. This can’t be real. They’re talking about oil spills and deforestation and natural disasters and-


“Appa,” Megumi mumbles in Korean. “There’s a climate change puppet.”


“Yeah,” Sion agrees. He inhales; exhales. Because it’s not funny, you know. Except it also really, really is. 


But then, speaking even more morosely, Megumi says: “They made climate change into a puppet…”


That’s when Sion breaks. He has to leave the ampitheatre all-together because he’s fucking tired and there’s something so funny about Megumi critiquing a puppet show. Though it’s only a minute later when there are cackles far off in the distance and then Megumi, too, is banished outside.


“Maeda-Sensei kicked me out,” she informs him. “He called you a bad influence.”


“I’m sorry, baby,” Sion fails to hold back his laugh this time, pulling Megumi into a hug. “It’s not your fault. You’re just like your Appa.”


“Yup,” Megumi agrees. And then she whispers again: “They really made a climate change puppet.” They both burst into laughter again and are reprimanded by Riku ten minutes later when the show’s over. But it’s completely worth it. God.


There’s a little bit more time before they leave in which they’re free to peruse the gift shop. As promised, Megumi gets one toy and one book. She picks out a chimpanzee stuffed animal and a monkey book, of course. The prices are… Sion doesn’t want to talk about it. He taps his card with one eye closed. It’s fine. As long as they cut down on snacks for next week, it’s fine…


“Thank you, Appa!” Megumi hugs him around the waist, squeezing hard. It’s almost enough to make Sion forget about the fact that she’s going to abandon the stuffed animal the second they get home.


“You’re welcome, baby,” Sion pats over her head. But then he notices Maku standing wayward and offers: “Do you want a toy, Maku?”


Normally he wouldn’t splurge on something like that but he knows money’s tight for Maku’s family and it’s not that crazy of a spend. Sion would like to do something for Sachiko anyway - he found out recently that she makes Maku extra side dishes to share with Megumi at school and he needs to pay her back in some way. She works almost everyday, she doesn’t need to do extra work for Megumi.


But Maku stills at Sion’s offer. He blinks very slowly. “...Huh?”


“Do you like toys?” Sion asks. He hopes it doesn’t come off as weird for him to offer, but hey, he’s Megumi’s only friend. “I could get you a stuffed animal. Gumi got a chimp.”


“You should get a chimp, too,” Megumi advises him. “We can match.”


“Oh…” Maku has impeccable manners, which almost makes his hesitation funny. But then he’s looking up at Sion and this is the first time they’ve ever really made eye contact. His expression is skeptical but hopeful. “Really…?”


“Of course. I owe your mom anyway. She’s been cooking for both of you.” Sion waddles back over to the stuffed animal section because Megumi’s latched onto him and moving is a little difficult. “What do you like? They have elephants, lions, tigers-”


“...I want a monkey, too…” Maku’s ears are red. “I wanna match.”


And, wow. That’s so cute. These two kids are so fucking cute. Sion grins. “Of course!”


So maybe he ends up spending more than he meant to. But it’s fine. Money is a touchy subject for Maku’s family, far more than it is for them, and there’s no way in hell Sachiko would ever be able to make the time to come on a field trip like he can. Plus there’s a tiny part of Sion that’s trying to bribe Maku. He and Megumi are good influences on each other, and while Sion certainly can’t fix Maku’s fear of him, he can at least make an attempt.


So Sion insists only once: “Okay, now you have to pose together. I’m gonna take a photo for Sachiko-san.” He says it like a suggestion but it’s actually a demand. This is what happens when you become a parent, the need to take photos increases tenfold.


Megumi is instantly pouting. She hates getting her photo taken for reasons Sion has yet to understand. “But Appa…”


“No buts!” Sion insists. “Come on, smile!”


Maku’s smile is cute; he’s a sweet boy. Megumi, on the other hand, can’t smile on command and just shows her teeth. But they loop their arms together and it’s a really good photo. It’s good enough to go on the fridge, maybe even on the Christmas card he’s started sending out in the past year. Sion really hopes these two grow up together - it’s been so long since Megumi’s played with anyone her age and Maku is such a well-meaning kid. 


(He also has better manners than her and it’d be nice if Megumi could learn by example. Sion’s tried to help her manspreading issue but as a manspreader himself, it just comes off as hypocritical. But he’s heard the much sterner way Tsugumi scolds Maku, and quite frankly, maybe to some extent Megumi does need some female influence in her life. Or perhaps Sion could stand to be more strict.)


(Yeah, huh. He should probably be setting a better example…)


Oh, well, whatever. Sion ruffles Megumi’s hair and slowly, slowly, approaches Maku to land a brief, gentle touch on his shoulder. “Thank you. I hope you know you can come over whenever you want to, Ma-kun.”


The kid sends a weary glance at Sion’s hand but he doesn’t flinch at the contact, at least. And then he smiles shyly. Maku is a really good kid. “Okay, I will…”


It’s not long before they’re all done looking at gifts and ready to file back onto the bus. Some of the other kids apparently got pocket money for souvenirs, though most of them chose to buy sweets rather than toys. Sion does not envy their parents. But Megumi’s all worn out so he doesn’t even complain when she insists on sitting next to him. Maku doesn’t mind being next to Riku anyway. Sion thinks about an impending playdate and decides to ask: “Ma-kun, what’s your favorite snack? I’ll get you some for the next time you come over.”


“Me?” Maku seems surprised. “I dunno. I like Chocoshrooms…”


Sion’s satisfied by that. He’s stopping at the store before they get home anyway. “Alright. I’ll pick you up some. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”


Maku squirms a little more with the new question. “Chocolate…”


Sion smiles. “Okay, got it!”


The kids are all exhausted by the time the bus takes off, Megumi maybe the most so. She passes out right onto Sion’s shoulder and he lets her because the drive is gonna be long and Megumi’s easier to deal with when she’s asleep anyway. In her arms she’s got a death grip on her book and monkey stuffie. So Sion snaps another shot of her to send to his parents. He’ll send that one along with the photo with Maku and a few stray pics he took earlier in the day. There’s Megumi pressed up to the glass at the monkey enclosure, then food on her face as she devours her bento, then the back of her head as she points at a turtle; there’s another one in the middle of her looking back, calling: “Appa!”


Sion smiles. God, she’s so cute. 


He goes to KakaoTalk to send a message along with the photos. Today was Megumi’s field trip to the zoo. She really likes monkeys now, but not as much as Shin-chan. That’s her new friend, Maku. He’s a sweet kid. I should’ve taken more videos. Sorry… TT


The school festival’s in a few weeks. I promise to document it well~ Maybe in another year or two I could fly you out to come during festival season? Also, we should be heading back home over winter break, but no promises yet. Yushi can’t go too long without my help. Sorry for that, too…


Anyway~ Eomma, Appa, let’s schedule a call this weekend~ Megumi can tell you all about her new friend. Haha. She misses you! So check your phones more often, okay?


Sion sends the messages and sighs as he presses his phone to his chest and casts a sideways glance at Megumi’s calm, sleeping face. Things with his parents are good. They weren’t always good but they are now. He was worried after the divorce that he’d only be left with his shame, but it was his parents of all people who set aside their pride to help him rebuild Megumi’s life. They even let him leave for Japan without too much fuss. Siyeon has taken over the farm in his stead, but Sion can’t help but feel a little guilty about it even still. The farm was really supposed to be his responsibility and yet here he is relying on his sister to clean up his mess…


At least Megumi is coping with the distance well enough. It’s unfortunate that she’s so bad with phone calls because she really loves her grandparents, she’s just fucking abysmal at small talk. Sion’s thinking of getting someone to fill in for him at the ryokan so they can go back to Mokpo for a longer period of time when winter comes. Sion’s older cousins have kids only a few years older than Megumi and they’re the closest thing she has to first cousins. Plus she also really loves the farm, so it’d be nice for her to run around again... 


Or, well, maybe she doesn’t love the cows so much. But the open fields and the beach are her favorite. Sometimes Sion sends updates on her life to the bigger group chat with the whole family and they all bother him incessantly about bringing her home more often. And, well. He’s trying to. 


Sion sighs again. It’s definitely true that everyday he finds time to doubt himself and everything he does for his kid. Mokpo is more conservative than it is here, and if Sion’s being really honest with himself, he doesn’t think he would’ve been able to spend the rest of his life back in his hometown. He also doesn’t think Megumi would’ve survived Catholic school. God, no. There are only so many times he can uproot her life anyway. God forbid he messes up here, too, and has to do it again. Sion’s really trying not to fuck up. Hence… well, everything. 


That’s the main reason he’s got so much going on - he’s really just trying his best. 


For a second Sion just sits there and stews in his worry. But then his phone buzzes with a new notification and he checks it, blinking down at his screen. It’s a text from an unknown- oh, wait, that’s Riku. Sion forgot to put in his contact name earlier. 


The text only says: You okay? You’re sighing like crazy up there.


Sion’s ears turn pink. He didn’t think he was being that obvious. He also didn’t realize this is what they were going to use their phone numbers for, which is casually texting. Apparently, at least. Is that normal between a parent and teacher? It can’t be, right?


But Sion types back anyway: Yeah, sorry. Just thinking about dad stuff…


The reply comes instantly. Dad stuff?


Wow, Riku can really be nosy when he really wants to be, that’s the thing Sion’s started to notice over the course of the day. It’s mostly endearing but he can’t help but exhale again. It’s just- it’s habit. He doesn’t like talking about himself all that much. But if there’s one person who would genuinely care about his parenting issues, or at least the Megumi issues, it’s definitely Riku. 


Or, well. At least Sion hopes so.


Yup. I’m thinking of taking Megumi back to Mokpo over winter break. But the logistics are a pain. But she needs to see her cousins and her grandparents. She really misses them. Sion’s not sure why he’s telling Riku all of that, but he sends it anyway. Lol. Sorry. I just have to worry about her a lot, haha…


There’s a second where he feels just, like, a little too vulnerable. But then Riku’s replying: Ah, yeah. That sounds like a lot. It’s good to have family to rely on.


Sion’s not sure what to say to that. It seems like a neutral response but he’s exhausted and already terrible at small talk to begin with. So he thinks for a second before typing: At least she’s friends with Maku now. They have a lot of fun together, I’m so glad... Sion bites his lip and taps at the side of his phone. Are they like that in class, too?


Yup, comes Riku’s reply. Which is good to hear. But then: Well, Gumi’s a little more subdued when you’re not around. But they stick together for real. I don’t try to separate them. Lol. It makes them sad.


And, well. That’s enough to make Sion smile. He’s always been nervous that Megumi would flat-out refuse to connect to other kids her age. But one friend is better than no friends, right? It makes him happy to see Megumi so open with anyone, really, and so he types: That’s funny. They remind me of me and Yushi when we were kids. Except we were more brotherly. He sends that text, and then: Except he’s way younger than me. I was probably nagging him most of the time. And then, thinking better of it, because he’s already oversharing: Lol.


And okay, well. This is making him feel lame and also very old. Sion blinks down at his phone while he waits for Riku to reply. It takes several long moments, in which he almost wonders if he said something weird because he knows he’s a chronic oversharer, but he just- he doesn’t know how to be any other kind of way. 


But then Riku says:That’s cute. Lololol.


Sion’s not quite sure what that text means, like, really. Riku is definitely a genuine person, but there are times he puts up a wall between them, almost to the point that Sion wouldn’t notice unless he were looking for it. It’s always around when Yushi gets brought up. Or when he just… appears out of nowhere. Sion wonders why, though the conclusions he comes to (like jealousy, for one) don’t make any fucking sense. So. It’s probably just a coincidence.


I heard you and Daeyoung went to college together, Son says instead. You’re basically childhood friends too!


I don’t know about that. The kid’s been a giant the whole time I’ve known him. I never saw him grow up, really. Riku’s typing bubble pops up and back down a few times. But he got handsome when I wasn’t looking and now he’s my competition…


And, well. And, well, okay. 


Sion doesn’t know what the hell that means, either. He feels… conflicted. As a person he can be prone to jealousy when he really likes someone. And while a small part of him - okay, maybe it’s bigger than that - is a little jealous that Daeyoung’s known Riku for so much longer than he has, it’s hard to picture the two of them as anything more than friends. Like, at all. 


(Plus Daeyoung’s into Yushi, which means his ideal type can’t be anything normal. Sion knows Yushi the best out of everyone on this earth, he knows the kind of people who gravitate towards him are usually a little strange themselves. Which is… fine. Fine, if not a little concerning.)


So Sion, not thinking much about it, asks: Competition for what?


He doesn’t stop to think about the implications. Because he’s an idiot, probably. There’s almost a full moment where Riku says nothing, but then the typing bubble pops up again. 


He’s better-looking than me, Riku says. So people are nicer to him.


Sion raises an eyebrow at that. Now, that can’t be true. Riku says it like it’s a definitive fact but he’s plenty handsome and he has this natural aegyo to him that’s hard to ignore. He defaults to it, sometimes, pouting at himself. It’s hard to imagine anyone not going out of their way for Riku when he has a face like that. Though maybe Sion in particular is a little too taken by everything he does. 


Sion’s ears, again, burn red. God, how embarrassing…


Isn’t it the other way around? Sion types, which he hopes he won’t regret. Except he regrets it less than a second later, of course, because he has an impulse problem that not even a catastrophic divorce could rub out of him. 


But then Riku asks: Huh?


Wow. Wow, this is so humiliating. Sion doesn’t even- ugh, he dug himself this hole, didn’t he? He always does. This is why he swore off dating, he doesn’t know how to act normal or how to say normal things and it’s a lot easier to stay single when you have the innate urge to come on too strong. 


I mean, don’t people usually think you’re better looking? Sion can feel his face burning as he types that, too. And then, before he can stop himself: Or maybe that’s just my personal taste, haha…


Fuck. Sion’s definitely said too much already. It’s one thing to have Megumi’s teacher’s phone number for emergencies, but to flirt with him over text is… he definitely shouldn’t be doing that. Though in his defense, he didn’t mean to. Not that that would hold up in court. But didn’t Riku basically bait him into that?


(And yet he’s still the loser who’s failing to flirt with his kid’s teacher. Great work, Oh Sion, you never fucking learn.)


But Riku’s typing bubble pops up and disappears in succession, over and over again, so quickly that Sion’s not sure if what he said was incredibly presumptuous or just flat-out embarrassing. Or both. No, it’s definitely both. 


Except this is what Riku sends back: You think so?


Sion doesn’t know how to read that. Should he be honest? Should he tell him that he knows so, that he thinks he’s beautiful, that he-


I guess I do. Haha. Sion sends it before he can overthink it too much. And then he sighs loudly. Again. It’s loud enough that the person in the seat behind him snickers. Fuck, that’s Riku too. He’s a fucking idiot. 


Riku’s response is quicker this time: Mm. I’m flattered. And then: Are you thinking about more dad stuff?


Sion really doesn’t want to answer that. Just like Megumi, he’s a terrible liar, and he doesn’t think anything he said is remotely flattering when surely Maeda Riku is a man who is told he’s good-looking, like, all of the time. But Sion refuses to take the flirting any farther than it’s already gotten. Yup. Always thinking about dad stuff. Lol.


And, well.


They text for the rest of the drive. Most of it is asinine and inconsequential but Sion’s continually impressed by Riku’s ability to render him speechless. Such as praising him for thinking about Maku, coming on the field trip, being a good dad in general. Riku’s almost relentless about it. Sion doesn’t know why. He doesn’t think he deserves half the praise, and yet Riku showers it upon him anyway.


It’s just… it’s a lot to take in at once. Sion’s face is red by the time they pull back up to the school. He avoids Riku’s eyes as the teacher rounds up the other kids; Sion busies himself by shaking Megumi awake. “Baby, it’s time to get up. We’re back.”


“Huh?” Megumi mumbles. She rubs her eyes and looks out the window. “Oh, we’re at school…”


“Come on,” Sion brushes the hair out of her eyes. “We’re gonna get some treats on the way home.”


Everyone else files off the bus while Sion lifts Megumi up into his arms, setting her on his hip. Megumi’s coordination while groggy is shaky at best and she lasted the whole field trip without asking to be carried, so he’s feeling a little more indulgent than usual. Sion is last off the bus, Megumi’s face pressed into his collarbone. She’s still sleepy. At least there’s that, she easier to handle this way.


“All good?” Riku asks Sion when he emerges. His gaze is soft, his ears pink. Sion decides not to dwell on why that is.


“Yup.” It’s not like he’s doing much better anyway. So.


Riku gives his students one last talk before they’re free to run off back home. There are a few parents already waiting. All of the kids are exhausted. “Make sure to tell your moms and dads about what you did! We’re doing an art project tomorrow about the zoo! And we’re working on our surprise for the festival!”


That gets him a mixed reaction. Half the kids are dead on their feet, the others excited to focus on the upcoming festival. Daeyoung echoes: “And don’t forget that you have to do your homework!” Daeyoung grins when his words get groans from pretty much everyone.


But Riku releases them with a smile. “Yeah, I know, you’re tired. Go home. And don’t be late in the morning!”


With that, everyone disperses. Yushi floats back over to Sion’s side. His face is neutral in the carefully-guarded way it sometimes is when he’s either (1) being secretive or (2) so overwhelmed that he’s trying not to growl at anyone. Sion’s opting not to guess which one it is. After finding out about the Daeyoung thing, he’s feeling a lot less bad for Yushi in general, though he respects that the kid is probably beyond exhausted.


All Sion does is nod at him. “You good?”


Yushi just puts up two fingers, both crossed over each other in an “x”. That’s their agreed-upon signal for I don’t want to talk right now and if I do, someone will die.


So. He’s fine, probably.  


Before they go, Sion pulls Riku aside - he feels the obligation to after a day like today. “Thank you for organizing the trip,” Sion says. “Megumi had a lot of fun. I’m glad you got me to come, too.” He rests a hand on Riku’s arm and watches carefully as Riku’s eyes flicker down at the movement, and then he averts his gaze entirely.


“Of course,” Riku says. “I’ll make sure to invite you again in the future. You helped out a lot with the kids…”


Sion can’t imagine that’s true, like, at all. All he really did was manage Megumi and sometimes Maku. But he squeezes Riku’s arm before dropping his hand completely. “Yeah, I’d like to come on future trips. I really appreciate it.”


Riku’s hands are wringing together but he glances down at the ground. “Then if anything comes up I’ll make sure to text you. Or if there’s any emergencies…” His voice trails off and his eyes meet Sion’s for a moment, just long enough for it to be meaningful. “I’d love to talk to you about Megumi anytime.” Then Riku blinks slowly. “Or other things.”


For a second, Sion is speechless. He can feel Yushi’s judgmental stare at the back of his head but that’s not important. It’s just very hard for him to take this in any way besides flirting, because why the fuck else would he say something like that. But it’s- it’s not flirting. So Sion manages a smile despite himself because he’s just tired and he can think about this… later. 


“Okay, then. I will.” Sion glances briefly back at Yushi, who’s pretending to be very invested in kicking at the dirt underneath his feet. Sion tries to make sure his smile is, like, so casual as gestures vaguely at his little entourage. “I have to go feed these two, so…”


Riku brushes some hair behind his ear. “Of course. I’ll see you, Sion-san.”


He says his name in such- such a way. It’s a specific tone, something coy, and Sion can’t look into it without getting really, really confused. So he licks his lips and bows his head a little. “See you, Sensei. Have a good night.”


Sion trudges off with Megumi in his arms and Yushi in tow. He dodges kids running amok, tries to look vaguely busy so he doesn’t have to stop and chat with any other parents. Tsugumi’s with Maku some yards off; she sends Sion a wave when she sees him. And: “Thank you for the gift, Sion-san!”


Sion smiles back and covers Megumi’s head with one hand so he doesn’t yell in her ear. “Don’t worry about it, seriously. You two are welcome to come over whenever.” And then both kids bow, which makes him smile. Sion waves goodbye. “See you tomorrow!”


The walk home is pretty much silent. A part of Sion is dying to question Yushi about the Daeyoung Debacle but he respects that both of the kids are beyond overstimulated. Megumi’s pretty much passed out in his arms but Yushi just might bite his head off. They stop by the convenience store first. Sion gets himself onigiri; he gets ice cream and Pocky for Megumi; then Chocoshrooms for Maku. Yushi buys himself ramen.


“I told you I’d feed you,” Sion complains when Yushi refuses to let him pay. He’s allowed to break the no-speaking rule because what the hell, that’s not fair. 


“Shut up. I’m your boss.” Yushi grins when Sion kicks at him half-heartedly. And apparently he's feeling mischievous enough to talk, even if it’s only to make fun of his hyung. “Sion, you’ll wake the kid.”


And, well. He’s right about that. But that doesn’t mean Sion doesn’t grumble anyway.


The way back home is silent, too. Yushi’s a little less visibly stressed now, but he’s still quiet as they slip into the house. Sion follows him inside; he pulls both his own and Megumi’s shoes off in the genkan and sets her down on the couch. Then he goes to dump the plastic convenience store bags out on the dining table. She’s gonna be thrilled when she realizes ice cream is her dinner. 


“Gumi, baby…” Sion shakes her awake after he hides the Pocky in the cupboard - he’s choosing to forget about their snack deal unless she remembers first, because god forbid she has a sugar crash right before bed. He smiles when her eyes flutter open. “Hi, honey. Are you hungry? Appa got you ice cream.” 


“Ice cream…” Megumi blinks all blearily. Then she’s holding her arms open so Sion can lift her up again. “I want ice cream.” 


It’s bad. Sion shouldn’t be appeasing her at this age because she needs to learn, like, independence or whatever. But he ends up conceding anyway, resting Megumi on his hip and taking her with him to the kitchen to hunt down some spoons. “Ice cream it is, then.”


Yushi uses the microwave to make ramen. Megumi sits in Sion’s lap at the table, sleepily licking at her ice cream. Sion keeps a careful eye out for any drips as he tiredly munches down on an onigiri. He’s so tired he almost called it “triangle kimbap” at the convenience store. God. He didn’t realize a field trip could be so exhausting. 


“You’re falling asleep,” Yushi murmurs when he sits down with his food, though it’s not judgmental. He, too, yawns. “Can I crash here? I’m tired.”


“Sure,” Sion agrees because he always does. They have a spare room that they mostly use for storage but it’s not really fit for guests. “You can sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep with Gumi.”


Yushi is hardwired to argue on principle. That’s the one way he differs from Megumi, he knows to at least do the polite thing and refuse. But he sends Sion a glance and he figures out in milliseconds: “You just wanna cuddle with your kid, huh.”


“Yup,” Sion says. He rubs his cheek to the top of Megumi’s head. “Can Appa crash with you, Princess?”


“Yup,” Megumi echoes him. And, well. 


It’s still a little too early to put her down just yet so the three of them sit on the couch and stare at the TV as it plays an old rerun of Shin-chan. Megumi’s sleepy enough that she doesn’t pay the show much mind, curling up in Sion’s lap and pressing a hand to his heart as she snoozes off into his neck. Sion’s surprised she has yet to try and crawl under his shirt like she usually does but Megumi can get self conscious when other people are around, so who knows. Sion’s nodding off. Just a little bit. His head is tipped back against the couch and he’s ready to pass out here if he needs to. But then his phone buzzes in his pocket and his head jerks up.


For a second there, he was really- his hands fumble at his pants, which is useless. His fingers aren’t working the way he wants them to (which isn’t uncommon, to tell you the truth) it’s just- Sion makes a displeased sound in his throat.


Yushi pulls out Sion’s phone for him in one smooth movement. “You’re ridiculous.” But then he glances down at Sion’s phone and he blinks, hard: “Hey, Oh Sion. Who the hell are you texting.”


“What?” Sion makes a face at him and snatches his phone back. It takes a second for his eyes to focus, but then he recognizes the number on his screen. “Oh, that’s Riku.”


“The teacher?” Yushi sounds admonished. “You’re texting him? Is that normal?”


And, well. That’s a great question. Sion shrugs, because he honestly has no fucking idea, though he’s leaning more towards no, this is mildly inappropriate but I’m entertaining it on the off-chance it means something. Which he’s not telling Yushi, of course. But…


“I think it’s fine,” Sion yawns. He opens his phone and goes to his texts. “It’s not like we’re flirting, or anything, so it’s just…”


His voice trails off, though. Because in his message inbox is a text from Riku, which is fine. But when he opens it, there is a photo of a very delicious-looking bowl of ramen. And along with it: Sion-san, do you want some?


Sion’s eyes narrow. What the hell is this? If he didn’t know better, it’d almost seem like… Hm. It can’t be flirting because there’s no reason for Riku to flirt with him. There just really isn’t.


But… huh. 


“Let me see,” Yushi demands, crowding into his space. He reads the message. Then he smacks Sion on the shoulder. “Idiot, that’s flirting!”


“Wh- shh!” Sion scolds him mostly because Megumi’s asleep and he’d prefer she not overhear this. “It’s not flirting. I’d know if it was flirting.” So he types back: Please share. I only had onigiri for dinner…


There’s a second where he gets nothing. And then: I should feed you, then!


And okay, yeah. Sion’s having a hard time understanding what this is if not toeing the line. He wordlessly shows his screen to Yushi and covers his face. “Okay, this looks like it could be... but it can’t be…”


Yushi sighs. “You’re a dumbass. He’s trying to kill you.”


And, well. Sion doesn’t have a good comeback for that. So.


He bites his lip. It’s so- he’s so tired. He doesn’t think he can flirt with a beautiful man in this state of mind but he types back: You’re gonna cook for me? I’m honored.


Riku’s response is almost instant: I’m not good at cooking but I’ll try my best for you, Sion-san. 


Sion’s ears go pink and he ignores the fact that Yushi is openly reading his phone over his shoulder. It’s not like he planned on hiding any of this, but that’s more because he thought his and Riku’s relationship was super professional. You know, from parent to teacher. It was strictly that kind of thing.


But now… Hm.


Sion messages back and forth with Riku for a bit. They’re skirting the line of something, or at least that’s what he’d think if this were anyone else, but the confusing thing is that this is Riku and there’s no reason for Riku to be flirting with him. But Riku says things like you work so hard, you need to eat well! and I can make some okay ramen! And Sion doesn’t know what the fuck to think about that. There’s no reason for Riku to flirt with him, but, like…


Well. It’d probably be unethical if he was, for starters, never mind that Sion’s having a hard time seeing why Riku of all people would be into him. Sion is very, incredibly, exceedingly average. He thrives on mediocrity and all he really does with his time is be a dad and do Dad Things. Riku is beautiful, he’s young enough to settle down with someone better. Someone who could give him so much more. Sion’s already spread out so thin and he can’t imagine that makes him seem like an enticing person to date. Or, like, if that’s what Riku would want.


But it's just… it’s weird. It doesn’t make any sense.


Sion excuses himself from both Riku and Yushi when eight PM rolls around and he’s too tired to do any more thinking or talking or texting, for that matter. He pulls Megumi with him to bed. He helps her change, helps her brush her teeth, grabs his meds from his room so he can at least sleep. Megumi crawls under his shirt once her bedroom door is closed. She stretches the neckline out even more, nuzzling into his skin. 


“Appa…”


Sion huffs out a laugh and rubs her back. “Appa’s here, baby. Get some sleep.”


It doesn’t take long for Megumi to doze off. And Sion, for once, is tired enough to nod off himself. He tries not to think, which is easy to do after a full day of maybe too much thinking. He wonders distantly if Riku is a restless sleeper. But then he’s banishing the thought from his head and passing out.


Sion’s too tired to think about that right now. And so he doesn’t.



 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 



For once, Sion wakes up in the morning without a dream haunting him. His head is pounding, though, and Megumi’s stuck to him like a leech. He checks the time on his phone.


It’s six AM. He should get up. Ugh.


Sion moves carefully, unpeeling Megumi off of him and stretching as he stands up and pads out the door. The door to his own room across the hall is shut three-fourths of the way. He peeks in to see Yushi fast asleep, laying on his back with his hands over his chest. Creepy but not unusual; that’s how Yushi’s been sleeping since he was a kid. Sion smiles. He can always count on Yushi to stay consistent, huh…


Sion goes to the kitchen first. They’re out of leftovers so he needs to cook them breakfast, plus he needs to make Megumi an adequate-enough lunch to show off at school. He was slacking on making her food look good for a while but after seeing what Sachiko makes for Maku, he thinks he should at least be trying a little harder. Otherwise he’s gonna look like a chump compared to the stay at home moms.


So Sion gets to work. He’s got two kids to feed, after all. 


For breakfast he makes three omelets for the three of them, all of which he’s able to whip up relatively quickly. There are limited vegetables he can hide in Megumi’s food before she starts getting suspicious over the texture but he’s able to sneak some tomato in there, too. Then Sion heats up some rice and sets out the soy sauce before starting on her lunch. He grills some sausages in a pan. He cuts them into octopus shapes. He adds more rice, more egg, some banchan from his mom… Wow, he really needs to start making these himself instead of making his poor mother ship these every other month…


It’s all going well - like, suspiciously well - which explains why Sion nearly has a heart attack when he finally remembers to check the time. Shit, it’s already seven-thirty. Megumi’s gonna be late. 


For fuck’s sake. Of course she is. It’s because her dad is an idiot.


Sion’s so mad at himself for losing track of time, but that’s- ugh. He thunders down the hallway and rushes through waking Megumi up, which is always a complicated process that requires a lot of patience. “Baby, Appa made breakfast.” It takes some effort to get her awake, but the promise of food definitely speeds things along. Soon enough Megumi’s putting on her uniform faster than Sion can dress her.


“Omelets!” She’s already excited as she skips her way to the kitchen. And, well. Thank god for that.


Sion goes to his room and wakes Yushi next. Who is, as always, incorrigible. He smacks Sion on the shoulder when he gets shaken awake. “Leave me alone. I’m tired.”


“It’s almost eight,” Sion says, exasperated. But he goes to his closet because he’s not going to waste his time on Yushi if he’s going to be so stubborn. Sion needs to get ready, too. And he still needs to take Megumi to school... and pack her stuff… and make sure she doesn’t forget her lunch…


Fuck his ADHD or whatever the hell it is. Sion has been doing pretty well in the mornings over the past month, but now his inattentiveness is coming back to hunt him down with a vengeance. Fuck. 


Yushi sits up in bed when Sion tells him the time. “Eight?” They normally start work around nine but taking Megumi to school and going to the ryokan after is a bit of a commute. Yushi’s his boss, but it’s not like Sion likes taking advantage of that. For fuck’s sake, all he prides himself on is his work ethic. He can’t be a slacker on top of that.


“I’m gonna be late, shit,” Sion bemoans as he pulls off his shirt. 


“Ew, my eyes,” Yushi deadpans. And when Sion turns to stare at him: “Sorry, I thought it was funny.”


“Go eat!” Sion scolds. “You unruly boy, let me change!”


“Okay, fine! You’re so lame!”


So Sion runs around his room to the sounds of Yushi and Megumi in the kitchen playing on in the background as he just, like, panics. He meant to put his uniform in the wash last night, except he forgot - of course he did - so now he has to wear his back-up set. It’s not ideal. This uniform is older and a little too tight in the places Sion’s filled out ever since he started parenting full time. There’s no way for him to go to the gym regularly when all of his free time’s spent with Megumi; there’s some chub to his stomach that he’s too fucking tired to be insecure about. 

It’s just, like, whatever. Sion’s got a kid and dad bods are in anyway, right? He’s representing his demographic. At least that’s what he tells himself.


(Or, well. That’s what he tells himself until he realizes his old pants hardly fit around his waist anymore, which in turn leads to a near-meltdown. “Oh my god,” Sion groans. “Just kill me… it’s all that fucking ice cream…”)


By the time he’s wrestled on his extra set of work clothes to the best of his ability, it’s nearing eight and Megumi’s gonna be so late. Yushi ends up appearing in the doorway. “I can take her,” he offers. And when he realizes Sion’s squeezed into his back-up uniform: “Hyung, chill. Just wash your other clothes.”


“But- but you-” Sion feels bad. He almost never skips out on pickup or drop off but sometimes he’s left with no choice, never mind that at this rate he’s going to be late for work on top of everything else.


“Stop being stupid,” Yushi says. Then he calls: “Gumi, you ready?”


“Yup,” Megumi calls back. Then there’s footsteps running down the hallway. Megumi appears in the doorway, only making a face upon Sion’s appearance. “Appa, you’re naked.”


“I’m not naked,” Sion says exasperatedly, because he’s not, it’s just that his shirt doesn’t fit over his shoulders anymore. But she still comes in for a hug. Sion tries to chide, even if only for the principle of it: “You’ll be good, right? For Yushi-nii and Maeda-Sensei and-”


“Yeah.” Megumi goes up on her tiptoes. “Kiss.”


Sion obliges, slightly endeared as he pecks her on the forehead and ruffles her hair. He’s a complete mess right now but at least his kid’s all sorted out. “Okay, then. Have fun at school.”


All in all, the two of them are quick to set off. Sion’s able to chill out and eat while he’s left alone, though not until after he’s thrown his clothes in the washer. He sits down at the table and eats his eggs while some coffee brews in the machine. This morning’s put him in a bit of a daze so he’s not really thinking much other than damn, I’m still so forgetful, huh. He manages it well most of the time, but that just means he prioritizes the Megumi Things over the Sion Things. Like his clothes, for one.


God. The solo parenting really never gets all that much easier, does it? He’s so fucking tired.


But it’s rare that Sion gets time to himself, so he takes his time eating and slowly sipping down his coffee. The rainy season is off and on these days, what with the typhoons hitting the coast. He watches the sky drizzle down on the backyard as he stirs his coffee and just, like, breathes. Finally, he’s breathing. It feels like it’s been so long since he’s gotten to just breathe…


It’s bad. Sion needs more time like this. He’s spent so much of his adult life running on fumes and now it’s starting to catch up to him. Megumi would benefit from him being less frantic, he knows, but it’s hard to give himself room to relax. Sion’s got a relaxing issue because of course he does. Of all things to stress him out it just has to be the one thing every parent in the world is itching for - time alone, breathing, doing nothing, that kind of thing. He hates all of it.


Sion just gets a little restless whenever he tries to sit down and chill the fuck out. It makes him itch. Like the Sunday scaries except dialed up to the one thousandth degree all the time. But that’s a whole other problem that he’ll deal with… one day. 


So.


Naturally, he gets lost in his head now that he’s alone. That’s the issue with the few minutes Sion spends by himself during the day, thinking himself into spirals usually right before bed. Which he knows isn’t great. Usually he just worries about Megumi, but this morning he forgot to give himself the time to dwell on his angst. That’s the word he prefers to use; “angst” is better than “trauma,” like, from a self-esteem standpoint. It’s not really a habit he meant to start but it was inevitable once it was just him and Megumi and he needed something to regulate the… the pain. But Sion’s always afraid of losing track of time when he dwells. That’s why he’s always scrambling.


But now he has to wait for his clothes, leaving him with all the time in the world to think. Awesome.


Sion sets his coffee down on the low table and sprawls out across the hardwood floor. Fuck, he’s exhausted. And today Megumi managed to be more on her A-game than he was. That is… very humiliating. But he’s also proud, because Megumi used to be impossible to manage in the mornings. She’s grown up so much already…


It’s dumb. Sion runs a hand down his face. He can’t complain. This is probably the best that things have ever been for them. This is also the most time Megumi’s had to adjust to a new place. She didn’t really get the opportunity to go to preschool and bond with other kids when she was in Mokpo and Sion’s just grateful she has a steady schedule here. Megumi’s just like him in that way, a creature of habit. She does better when Sion is consistent with her. So he really tries to be. That’s probably the only thing he has going for him as a dad; Sion is very consistent, very reliable, almost always to his own detriment. 


Megumi is a lot to handle. But she’s not too much for him, not usually, not as long as Sion spends all of his energy on her. It’s not like he has a choice. Sion knows he has the tendency to set his own needs to the wayside, but for fuck’s sake, there’s no one else he can count on to look after her. Or at least not really. Megumi is very particular. She’s fine with being babysat by Sakuya or Yushi, but to be honest, they struggle with managing boundaries with her and she can’t really go more than the length of a school day being away from him. That’s something Sion’s long-accepted - she’s seven and there’s only so much he can do to bargain with her - but he’s a little stressed about what that means for the future. Once Megumi hits a certain age she won’t be able to cling like this. She won’t be able to crawl under his shirt or try to live in his skin. She’ll have to adapt or die, and she likely won’t be able to adapt, so then she’ll…


Sion tries not to think about it. But hell, it’s habit. He worries about Megumi incessantly. That’s just how things are.


That’s why Riku is a godsend. He manages Megumi better than any teacher she’s ever had and that really normalizes school for her, Sion thinks. Megumi’s socially adverse; she’s adverse to most things period. She’s a daydreamer. She lives in her head before anything else. It’s hard to find teachers who can get a handle on that perfect balance between stern and lenient. Sion was the only person who was able to figure it out for the longest time. Tsuchiko often resorted to anger and his parents, god bless their hearts, were much too soft on her. But Megumi can’t be treated like glass. Riku understands that without leaning too hard in the opposite way like Tsuchiko did.


And Riku is just… really good. With her, obviously. But also just, like, in general. Sion is embarrassed that he thinks that, but it’s true, isn’t it? Riku’s so good. And he’s… he’s not flirting with him. 


Or, like. Probably not.


Sion doesn’t even want to entertain the thought but he’s not a complete idiot, okay, he can read the signs when they’re there. The touches, the looks, the careful teasing. If Riku were anyone else Sion would immediately assume they were trying to get into his pants. But Riku is too good for him in many, many ways and Sion is kind of terrified by the prospect of someone that beautiful and kind and gentle being into him. Sion’s gentleness only stretches so far. With Megumi, mostly. He can’t even treat himself gently. And yet Riku is so… he’s so wonderful in that way. 


Sion can’t deny the way he aches; the way he yearns. It hurts in his belly, it hurts in a way it hasn’t in over a decade. With Tsuchiko it was like a spark that burst into a flame. But with Riku it is slow, warm, carefully tended to. When was the last time he felt like that? It’s been so long since he’s liked someone that he can’t remember if he ever has, really, or at least not if it was like this. 


It’s impossible to pretend he doesn’t feel his feelings. Sion feels guilty about it even though he knows he probably shouldn’t. Anyone in their right mind would be into the cute teacher maybe-flirting with them, right? But Sion worries about Megumi first and foremost, and the thing that scares him is that Riku is almost too good with her. Which doesn’t make sense. But it just feels too good to be true, you know. Not even Megumi’s mom was able to connect with her like Riku has. Sion doesn’t like counting his blessings but he also knows he has terrible luck. He will fuck this up, too. He will fuck up Megumi, again, just like he already did three years ago. Sion is a bad man, deep in his insides, that’s why terror always comes and finds him.


That’s a negative thing to be thinking, he knows. It’s irrational. But it’s habit by now, too, and if Oh Sion is one thing, he is a consistent guy full of terrible habits. That’s how he copes with Tsuchiko and her absence - it was me, it was me, it was me who wanted too much too soon. Right? Right?


Reality is a much, much harder pill to swallow. And so Sion doesn’t. He refuses.


He’s got too much on his plate to date. And he can’t- he can’t trust himself again, he has a habit of moving too fast once he likes someone enough. He can’t be doing that with Megumi relying on him. He can’t. Riku’s entire existence feels like one huge fucking temptation and Sion is weak where it counts, deep down, past that outer layer of reliable hyung, reliable dad, the man who has nothing besides his own hands. Sion knows that much about himself. He has too much to lose and Riku is an impossibly good thing. The fallout would break him, probably, in a way that even Tsuchiko leaving him didn’t.


Fucking up the first time was bad enough, but he had the excuse of being young and stupid. Sion isn’t young anymore. He’s not stupid, either. He’d be a fool to be tricked twice. And he just- he doesn’t know.


That’s the crux of it, right? He doesn’t know.


If he was braver he’d probably go for it. Hell, why not. Megumi loves Riku and Sion could too, one day. But Sion is a man who was raised knowing how to feel full on scraps, is the thing, and he already flew too close to the sun when he was in Tsuchiko’s inner circle and eating off a full plate made of gold. Sion knows deep down he wants to be more than a struggling dad in the countryside, but he’s got Megumi. He’s satisfied with this; he really is. The farm was something that was always going to be too much for him, and even beyond that, Sion has only known to crave more, more, more. He needs more and more and more because in his insides he is too delicate; he needs something he can hold in his hands to prove that he earned the love he receives. That’s where Sion’s self assurance comes from. Materialistic things, he can do; milestones, he can hit those. He can show off his degree and his kid and his bank account, sure, those are tangible things.


But wanting Riku is a pipedream. There’s no other way to word it. Sion’s three years distant from his divorce and his self assurance starts and ends at knowing that he will do whatever he needs for Megumi. He just innately knows he will and that’s pretty much it. But he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t aching down to his bone marrow, down to the molecule, for someone to see him and want him and love him. Which is… 


It’s a fantasy, really. It just is.


Maybe this is what he had coming to him when he proposed to Tsuchiko. This is what he gets for letting pretty words and big paychecks get to him. Sion sighs out loud; he looks to the side, watches rain drip down the sliding doors out to the backyard. He’s in his house, his clothes, the only things he has… it’s stupid. It’s really just so stupid. 


Sion is an unsettled guy. He’s always been like that. He has ADHD or whatever it is, he’s used to the feeling. But when he’s alone with Megumi in the quiet of one of their rooms, he settles. And when Riku smiles at him over the heads of the kids, that scratch he’s always itching at feels oddly sated. Sion’s used to feeling mediocre and like he needs to be doing more, more, more, but there’s nothing left for him to do. He’s at his limit. It’s just him and the kid and there is an empty part of his life where he thinks it’d be nice to just be… seen. He wants to be seen. He doesn’t ask for love, not anymore. But he’d like to be held for a little while and be told that he’s done a good job. Even just once, he’d…


Ugh.


It’s so dumb because romance can’t be the solution to Sion’s restlessness. He doesn’t let anyone take care of him, not even Yushi, not really. Sion is self-sufficient in that way. But Riku called him a hard worker, a good dad, a good man. Sion is nearly convinced that he was lying. Oh Sion is many things, but he’s not good.


He just can’t be. Bad things happen to him because he’s bad and that’s just what it is. But he can’t help but be a little swayed, just a tiny bit, because there’s that part of him that’s desperate to be seen and held and told that he worked hard, that he’s enough, that he can rest. Isn’t that selfish? Is it selfish that he wants Riku to keep texting him? It’s been so long since anyone has told him he’s good with Megumi. Just the thought could make him cry. Sion isn’t a crier but that’s because he’s never been allowed to. 


But if Riku could- if Riku let him cry, that’d be different. It’d be different from Tsuchiko and everyone who came before her. It’d be different and it’d be good and that scares the absolute shit out of him. Sion is a scared man and he isn’t in the position to face his fears, not now and maybe not ever. 


The truth is crueler than his self loathing. Sion knows that much - he’d rather resent himself for the rest of his life than be selfish. And that’s just what it is. 


He stares up at his ceiling and tries not to entertain any of this because he shouldn’t, right. But Sion does anyway. Of course he does. He’s a hypocrite and the habit he’s the most consistent about is letting the bad feelings consume him from the inside out. So Sion breathes; he closes his eyes; he lets out a long exhale. Maybe he’ll just rest for a little while. That’s better than thinking, anyway…


He’s just- he’s tired. He could use a nap.


It’s maybe half an hour later when Yushi returns. Sion is awoken by the knock on the front door - he assumed Yushi would go straight to work but he’s grinning as he slips through the genkan. “Guess who missed you,” Yushi teases in one of his rare sing-song voices. That’s honestly more frightening than anything else. 


“My kid?” Sion asks, because, like, duh. 


But unfortunately for him, Yushi’s grin only grows. “Nope. Maeda-Sensei was moping ‘cause I dropped Megumi off instead of you. I think he wants to do unethical things to you, hyung.” 


Yushi comes in close, needling - this is the upbeat side of him that only comes out on rare occasions, like after a good meal or when he has a really good piece of blackmail up his sleeve. So Sion goes red. He swats a dish towel at Yushi’s ankles. 


“I hate you,” he grumbles. “Shut up.” And he almost means it. 


His clothes are done in the next hour. Sion sends Yushi off first because he just- he doesn’t want to talk about how Riku was apparently pouting at Sion’s absence. No, he’d prefer not to acknowledge that at all. Because then Sion would have to face reality and he doesn’t want to fucking do that. He likes his bubble. His bubble where is alone, he is Megumi’s dad, where he can’t fuck up his life again, where there are no beautiful teachers or conniving best friends - there is only Sion and his hands, his hard work, the real, tangible things that make him feel like a good parent at the very least.


“Denial has never helped you,” Yushi points out before he snatches some sausage for himself. “You know, you deserve someone loving you. You have to know that.”


Sion shoos him away. “Don’t give me advice, you’re a baby.” Though he knows that Yushi’s right, of course he does.


Yushi leaves. Sion gets ready for work in silence. He puts on his uniform and slides his hands down his shirt, inhaling; exhaling. Sion knows who he is at the end of the day. A dad, a hyung, a hard worker. He is himself, post-divorce and alone. He likes it that way. He does, he does, he really does. Riku is a pipedream and Sion is not stupid. He can’t afford to be stupid anymore. And so he’ll pretend he thinks nothing, feels nothing, has no wants or needs at all. 


Sion grabs his phone and his wallet and his keys and he leaves through the front door. July’s humidity greets him. Sion breathes. Yeah, he has nothing to dwell on.


He just- he doesn’t. So.


Sion heads off to work and each step he takes is even, his pace perfectly matched. He is a well-oiled machine because that’s how he survives, being something firm and reliable and making use of his hands. He stares down at his feet. His shoes are worn, his calves ache after yesterday, he’s so tired. But he can’t let himself be tired. He can’t. So he won’t. His eyes trace cracks in the concrete and as he steps over a blooming dandelion.


Focus on what’s in front of you. Focus on the things that matter. Like Megumi. Which he does. Sion thinks about Megumi; Sion gets to the ryokan; Sion goes to Yushi’s office to scan over the list of chores waiting for him. Focus, dumbass. There are only so many hours before pick-up, before Megumi needs to be fed, before Riku is…


Ugh. His focus wanes. Sion tells himself it must be the hyperactivity because then he at least has an excuse. Work still calls and he has to- he needs to just try harder. He doesn’t have a choice.


So he gets to work.


The day is the same as every other day, the chores and the tasks as typical as ever. Work is long. It’s always long. Sion works hard. He always works hard; that’s his whole thing. He never remembers he has a BFA on days like today because he’s plunging toilets and cleaning windows. He never remembers he was once married to an heiress because now this is all he has, his hands, the kindness Yushi sets aside for him as his oldest friend. He never remembers everything he’s given up to come here, to the ryokan, where he must unclog some drain out in the onsen area. He wades into the hotspring. The water comes up to his waist. Steam rises in greeting. Sweat beads along his forehead. He does this for Megumi, she’s all he has, and he can’t- he just can’t- 


Exhaustion eats at him. Sion can’t remember everything he doesn’t have because he only has so little. He is barely anything at all. He can’t get greedy now. He finds the drain, he unclogs it with one of the plethora of tools Yushi’s given him, he wades back out of the pool.


And Oh Sion tells himself, as he stands shaking and wet in the heat of July: don’t think about it.


The day is still the same as ever. After the onsen debacle, he takes a break. It’s sometime right before lunch when Sion, now dry, stares at his reflection in the ryokan windows. The quiet forest of Kyoto is dense, it is dark, the underbrush is murmuring in the wind. It whispers for him: you want him, for once in your life you want something. Stop being a coward, Oh Sion. When is the last time you have needed anything? Since when were you so afraid? You used to fear nothing.


It’s terrible. Sion stares and he stares and he stares as his mind presses at him. He’s so tired. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it, you can’t afford to think about it. Focus. Why do you have so much trouble focusing? Will you ever do anything right for just once in your fucking life, how are you still so-


“Hyung, the pipeline on the east side broke,” Yushi jogs him out of his thoughts. “Do you think you can handle that, or should I-”


“No, I’ve got it,” Sion smiles and breaks away from the window. He is tired of looking at the lines of his face, his dark circles, the solo parenting that has been slowly eating away at him. He is so tired of staring at himself; he’s so tired of thinking. So Sion tells Yushi: “I’m a good enough plumber. Where’d it break?”


He ignores everything he’s been ignoring. He does as best as he can and pretends the urge for something else - something bigger - is not eating away at him. Sion does his job and this is the life he built for himself. This is the life he deserves. This is his penance for getting it wrong the first time.


“I’ll show you.” Yushi is weary. “Are you sure you’re good?”


Sion’s smile doesn’t wane. He never wanes when it counts. “I’m good.”



 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 



From there on, life continues on as normal. Or at least it’s as normal as Sion could hope for it to be. Megumi is still a handful, Yushi is still his only friend, the ryokan still needs plenty of work put into it. Nothing much changes. The next week is… it’s fine.


Sion-san~ A text pops up on his phone after Sion puts Megumi down for bed and retreats to the living room. He squints down at his phone screen, half in disbelief. It says: What are you up to now~?


Okay, so. Maybe “fine” is an overstatement. Because Sion is still dealing with the Riku-texting thing and it’s kind of stressing him out, like, a lot. 


Like, a lot.


It’s just really weird. It’s weird that Riku’s texting him to begin with, but it’s also so consistent - and flirty, almost - like to the point that Sion’s having a hard time writing it off as merely professional or friendly. Normally he’s able to compartmentalize things absurdly well, such as repressing the fact that his kid’s teacher is maybe-flirting with him. But Maeda Riku is a surprisingly persistent and very difficult person to discount. He is impossible to ignore or not be at least a little bit fond of. Which is… it’s just a tad frustrating. 


Riku is making it very hard for Sion to forget about his feelings. That’s the part that’s stressing him out the most. It’s one thing to have conversations during drop off and pick up at school, but to text all the while is just so…


It’s just a lot. Oh Sion is a man who prefers to live his life in denial but Riku’s whole existence is a temptation. And he doesn’t hate that as much as he should. 


Sion settles down on the couch and sighs as he stares at their text chat. It’s nothing overwhelmingly blatant but Riku texts him like clockwork and that’s kind of difficult to be normal about since they’re not even, like, friends. Or at least Sion wouldn’t consider them to be friends. He knows that Daeyoung and Yushi have had their weird and vaguely sexually-charged friendship-flirting-thing going on since the zoo - apparently they exchanged numbers and the rest is history - but even though he and Riku have those two in common, Riku brings up neither of them. Like, not at all. Sion is at a loss for how to feel about this and he already hates confronting his feelings as it is. 


And, sure, maybe acceptance would be easier on his mind. That’s definitely true. But even acceptance wouldn’t change the fact that Riku’s managed to wriggle his way into his life like an inevitability despite Sion’s best efforts to squash down every single one of his own desires. And even then, he’s constantly in his phone and asking how he’s doing and needling him for more, more, more…


God. Maeda Riku is just a little too good at wearing down his resolve. This sucks. 


“Fuck me…” Sion leaves his phone on the couch. He needs a beer. Just one, obviously - he never has more than one in a sitting - because he needs something that won’t make him overthink this conversation he’s about to have. He trudges into the kitchen and digs into the back of his fridge for his last bottle of Sapporo. It takes a second to find it. Wow, he barely drinks anymore. At this rate he’s going through one six-pack a month and even then Yushi’s responsible for drinking eighty percent of said six-pack. Which is… mildly lame of him, sure. But Oh Sion is already too old, like, spiritually, to care about being lame or not. 


He cracks the can open and takes a gulp. Yup, the beer still tastes like shit. But it’s just enough to get him buzzed and nothing more and that’s exactly what he needs. Sion closes his eyes and lets out a very, very, very long sigh.


He really should answer that text, huh…


It’s not his fault he’s procrastinating, okay? There’s just something about Riku that is incredibly overwhelming. He’s an extremely forward person in some ways, extremely shy in others. And the contrast between the two is hurting his fucking head because Sion hasn’t really paid this much attention to someone since he courted Tsuchiko back in college. It’s literally been ten years since then. He’s off his game and out of the loop and he spends most of his time with Megumi and Yushi, which isn’t exactly the moves of a man who thrives socially. These days Sion is much more of a hermit and he prefers not being looked at. And yet Riku’s always fucking staring at him.


For god’s sake. One of these days those gigantic boba eyes are going to fucking kill him.


Sion is dragging his feet just a little bit as he stalks back over to the couch to address the perpetual elephant in the room. Or, er, the elephant in his phone. Sion swipes his lockscreen open and stares at the message again.


Sion-san~ What are you up to now~?


He groans. Why does he find that so cute? Or why does he find that so cute when Riku’s the one saying it? He’s doomed.


Sion flips the TV to the CJ ENM channel that he pays way too much money for so he can at least put Running Man on in the background or something. Then he stares back down at his phone screen, which is still unchanging. The last time he and Riku talked was earlier during dinner, in which they swapped photos of their food and exchanged vaguely coy words. 

Riku: Can I have a bite? ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂)⸝


Sion is very ashamed by what he responded with. Of course. I’d give you my plate if you wanted it.


And, well, okay. In Sion’s defense, he doesn’t really mean to flirt back. He just has no idea what the fuck to say to things like that and he has no idea what to say in general. All he usually talks about in his everyday life is Megumi because that’s just- she’s pretty much all he has going on. Which is fine. And yet Riku barely talks about her, never mind that Megumi is what they have the most in common. Sion has mixed feelings about that, even if only it’s because he never knows how to answer the incessant questions Riku throws at him.


What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite food? When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?


Sion’s answers are so lame. Black. I like anything sweet, mostly cake. I always thought I’d be a farmer. And, well, he’s not really a thriving conversationalist in general. There’s a lot of overlap between him and Megumi in terms of their social aptitudes, it’s just that Sion knows how to put a mask on when he really needs to. But Riku catches him off guard just by fucking existing, and so Sion gets this weird helpless feeling in his belly whenever a text lights up his lockscreen. It’s like he’s coming down with a stomach bug. Yushi’s been calling him lovesick because he’s an asshole.


But the thing is that he’s not… completely off the mark with that. So Sion just needs to, like, get his shit together.


He takes another sip of beer and tries not to spiral. He taps on the text box and his keyboard pops up. Come on, Oh Sion… just think of something that isn’t lame… you’re thirty-four, you’ve been married, surely you have at least a little charisma… you pulled Tsuchiko, man, you have to have something going for you…


As such, this is what he decides on: Just put Megumi to bed, now I’m watching TV. Then he turns off his phone, throws it across the couch, and groans into his hands. He’s really, really, genuinely doomed. 


On his TV is Yu Jaeseok on the one of millions shows he emcees and Sion stares up at the screen from between his fingers for a second, not knowing how the hell he ended up here, like, actually. He’s been having these moments of sobering self awareness more frequently because he didn’t come to Japan to flirt with his kid’s teacher, did he? He came here to give Megumi a semblance of stability and a new, more supportive environment. The reason he pays for this stupid CJ ENM channel is because he was willing to forget everything he knew to give her a better life. And yet he’s still here, still feeling helpless and out of his depth and like he doesn’t know anything at all. It’s so- he’s so dumb.


Sion’s phone buzzes again. He side-eyes it. He takes another gulp of beer, and then another. Then he puts the can down and picks his phone up to read the text because he is the most hopeless man in the entire world.


Wow~ Megumi’s so lucky to have such an attentive Appa~


No, seriously. Sion is going to die.


What does he say to that? He has no idea. Sion hardly sees himself as attentive when he’s really Megumi’s only source of entertainment, like, eighty percent of the time. Never mind that she’s so clingy that he doesn’t actually have any other choice. Sion stares down at his phone and can feel a real, genuine sweat drop trail down his nose. God.


Haha, I don’t know about that, Sion types. Which sounds normal enough. Or at least he hopes it does. And then, because he’d love to change the topic for his own fucking sanity: What are you up to, Maeda-san?


He sends the message and stares blankly as Riku’s typing bubble pops up. Sion is distantly aware of how pathetic he’s being, which is very, it’s just- ugh. He doesn’t have much of a choice here. He shouldn’t be entertaining whatever it is that Riku wants from him because it’s irresponsible and surely there’s, like, ethics to this. Is it flirting? He’s still not completely convinced. Rationally Sion knows exactly what is going on but he hasn’t ended up in Japan with a monkey-obsessed seven year-old sleeping in the other room because he’s an extraordinarily rational person. 


I’m hanging out with my cousin. He’s eating dinner here. Teenagers are evil. That’s how Riku responds. Then there’s a photo of his TV turned onto some idol broadcast channel. I’m gonna kill him. It’s a school night for both of us!!!


Sion snorts. Riku mentioned before that he has family in town, but he didn’t realize he was that close with them. Sion sends: So they’re like that even when they grow up…


Riku’s response is near-instant: Megumi-chan is nothing like this devil (¬`‸´¬)


Sion wishes he didn’t find Riku so cute. They’re not quite close enough in age for things to feel exactly peer-to-peer but Riku has this very… it’s almost a whimsical side to him, something that is vaguely childish and innocent. And nowadays Sion would hazard to call him either of those things, like, actually, but everything about Riku is very sweet despite his age and his subtly conniving nature. At first Sion thought maybe it was naivety, but the more they get to know each other, the more he realizes that Maeda Riku is just a very genuine guy.


Unfortunately enough, there’s an incredibly fond smile on Sion’s face right now. He just can’t help it. He is an idiot and he is doomed and he thinks Riku is so, so cute even though he absolutely shouldn’t. But alas, it’s not like he hasn’t lent a hand in digging his own grave... 


Aw, he can’t be all that bad, Sion messages him. You’re related, right? I bet he’s an angel.


He sends it off without giving the text much thought. Riku’s a good guy and surely any kid he’s helping look after is also good. But there’s a beat before he gets a response. And then: What does that mean?


Sion blinks. He’s not really sure what he means by that either, not on a deep level. It just feels obvious because he and the other parents of the second graders are all in agreement that Maeda Riku is basically an angel in human form, because, like, of course he is. It’s just a no-brainer. Maeda Sensei is a child-rearing genius and all of their kids’ favorite teacher by far. But Sion just… he didn’t realize that Riku wasn’t aware of that. 


So he tries: It’s because you’re really nice lol. And you’re really sweet to the kids… That’s not a suave answer, not remotely. But Sion would rather not get too personal when answering something like that. Because he’s… um. Well. Sion would just rather not think about his own feelings on the matter of how good Riku is, as said feelings are neither normal nor platonic in nature. Like, at all. 


But then Riku replies: Only to the kids? And, quite frankly, Sion doesn’t know what the fuck that means. 


It’s just- what is all of this, exactly? What’s he playing at? Sion stares blankly down at his phone. This is far from the first time he’s felt extremely blindsided by something Riku’s sent him, but somehow the tone this time… is different. It’s more petulant. Sion doesn’t know how he feels about that. Or, actually, the feeling is similar to whenever he and Megumi have to compromise over something so asinine he wants to bash his head into a wall. But Megumi is autistic and seven years old and Riku is a supposedly well-adjusted twenty-nine year-old man.


So Sion tries saying something that is, at least, not weird: Well, you’re a good teacher. 


Riku responds after a few moments but it’s just another kaomoji. (¬_ ´¬ ).


And, well. What the fuck. 


Sion reclines sideways on the couch, staring down at his phone like it’ll tell him what to say. Or… how to appease him? This is new. Riku isn’t usually so pouty to him. Or at least not like this. The kaomojis make it seem all cute and innocent but Sion can’t help but feel like this is at least a tiny bit tactical… Though maybe he’s projecting…?


“The fuck,” Sion mumbles as he squints off at nothing. Does he appease him? Is he supposed to? Is that the goal here? Why the fuck would he- why the hell would Megumi’s teacher talk to him like this? It’s just confusing and Sion is really confused because last time he checked, he and Riku aren’t anything more than teacher and parent. What happened to professional boundaries and all of that?


Ugh. Ugh.


That’s not all, though, Sion types, grinding his teeth as he tries to figure out how to word his message properly, nevermind the fact that this is making him feel literally insane. You’re good to the kids but also the parents. You make our lives so much easier, really…


Sion sends it. He hopes that’s genuine enough. He doesn’t know what else to say because he has no idea what Riku’s agenda is with him to begin with. There’s a few moments where Riku’s chat bubble is completely stagnant. But then comes the reply:


Eh, so it’s a general consensus…? Or is that your feedback as a parent, Sion-san?


Sion blinks. He knows, very distantly, that he’s being goaded into something right now. Because there’s just no other answer. But he bites his lip and sends exactly what he thinks Riku wants him to say: It’s my personal opinion, Sensei.


The reply is instant: So you think I’m an angel, Sion-san? (,; ⩌ ;,)


Sion sighs. It’s a tired, confused sound. It feels like he and Riku are having two incredibly different conversations right now. Sion’s trying to talk to him as a parent but Riku is… doing whatever it is that he’s doing.


And yet Sion still appeases: Of course I do.


This is slightly exhausting, but it’s not even because Riku’s got this habit of needling him, it’s because he doesn’t know where the line is. He doesn’t want to be too genuine. Sion knows enough about his own feelings to figure that he shouldn’t be indulging in this as much as he already is, but Maeda Riku is a hard person to dissuade. His charm is very difficult to ignore and the sweet intent behind everything he says is… really cute. 


Sion runs a hand down his face. Wow. Wow, he really is an idiot.


But Riku’s response is actually normal, all things considering. Aw, I’m glad! Sorry, I was just messing with you lolol it’s hard not to when you always compliment me so well~


Sion huffs out a laugh. Of course. His smile is fond even though it shouldn’t be and he downs the rest of his beer because he’s so tired and yet he still- he still enjoys this. For some reason. 


Well, my kid is seven. I’ve dealt with worse.


From Megumi-chan? No way!! She’s way more of an angel than I am!!


Sion says goodnight to Riku and goes to bed not long after that. He’s got a life to attend to and also Sion doesn’t want any more chaotic mornings considering that he maybe - just maybe - takes his time dropping Megumi off in the mornings so he and Riku can actually talk before he has to head off to the ryokan for work. Riku is cuter the earlier it is. Even when he’s sleepy he turns on that sweet voice for the kids. He’s so…


God. Fuck. Sion is lovesick and he really needs to be anything else. Like, actually. He has a bad track record with being too impulsive in relationships and Riku is the last person he should be involving himself with.


So, again, Sion keeps his head down and ignores his feelings. And life, in turn, keeps moving on. 


The not-flirting continues but Sion tries not to escalate it too much, though that’s honestly a losing battle. He’s overly conscious of the three years it’s been since he’s last thought of anyone in the romantic sense and it’s hard not to compare Tsuchiko to Riku for that exact reason. They are similarly teasing, similarly cute, similarly have that lilt to their voice. But where Tsuchiko was sarcastic, Riku is sweet, and on top of that, Sion is… well. He has a type and Riku’s probably the most normal version of that type he’s ever crushed on. Which he tries and fails to ignore, of course, but it’s whatever. 


At this point that’s just par for the course. Sion’s not under the impression he’s someone with a good sense of self control, because if anything that’s kind of the fucking issue.


It’s hard. It’s hard to ignore his feelings when he’s perfectly aware of what they are. Sion keeps their conversations light at drop-off time because he’s trying not to fall in over his head. He knows where his priorities lie, which is with Megumi. Of course it is. But recently she’s been doing this thing where she greets Riku with a hug and Riku lets her, and Sion is- he’s having a hard time compartmentalizing that one. Riku’s too good to her. He’d be so good for her. And that’s so-


Sion starts looking away the second he realizes it’s a part of their routine now. Riku is way too involved in the routine, too. That really, really scares him.


The only saving grace Sion really has is his mind’s ability to spin reality into literally anything - you don’t successfully solo parent a kid like Megumi without a little delusion, after all. Sion’s great at lying to himself. Maybe Riku’s just being super nice, right? That’s not a crazy claim to make. Riku’s always been very friendly to all the other parents, some of them are even on a first name basis with him, it’s clear his time is invested into every single kid. So the texting isn’t- it’s not flirting because maybe Riku is texting every parent like this and he just doesn’t know it. Right? 


Right?


“Stop doing that thing where you lie to yourself.” Yushi chomps off the end of a Pocky stick and waves it vaguely in his direction. “It’s not healthy, hyung, you’re gonna make your brain explode.”


Sion ignores him. They’re on their lunch break which is more of a snack break considering that neither he nor Yushi are good at feeding themselves balanced meals. Sion’s chowing down on a melon bun from the 7/11 in town. He has no intent of entertaining whatever this is - is it Yushi’s idea of an intervention or what?


“I’m not lying to myself,” Sion says. Which is, you know, a lie. He takes another bite of his food and slouches into the comfy desk chair Yushi keeps on standby for him. “I’m just… staying grounded in reality.”


And okay, sure. That’s not the best he could’ve come up with. They both know that. The look Yushi sends him is one that is so unimpressed that Sion feels fully ashamed. At least he tried.


Yushi deadpans. “No. The reality is that that guy wants to be in your guts.” 


Which is- well. Well.


“He- he does not,” Sion says, almost offended on Riku’s behalf because surely someone so angelic has nothing but the purest of intentions for him. Especially not ones that are so viscerally sexual, what the fuck. Sion points out: “You’re the only person who thinks that. ‘Cause you’re being all weird with Daeyoung....”


But a small smile grows on Yushi’s face, which is quite honestly way more frightening than anything else. “It’s not ‘being weird’. I’m courting him.”


And, well. Sion doesn’t know how seriously to take that because it’s not like Tokuno Yushi has ever been one for courtship, not even when he really liked someone. Sion squints at him as he takes a sip of his tea. Does he… does he really want to know more…?


Sion gives him a pointed look up and down, his voice cautious. “Okay, sure you are. But this schtick doesn’t work on him, right.” Sion’s being serious: “How many people can you date by being mean to them?”


“I’m not mean. And I’m not trying to date.” Yushi stretches his arms up in his chair like a cat. “I can’t date anyone, I’ve got stuff going on. But I’ve got other ideas for him.”


And that is… well. It’s not surprising. But that doesn’t mean Sion likes the sound of it.


He closes his eyes as he takes another sip of his tea. Yushi says it noncommittally as if they are talking about something very normal, even though when Tokuno Yushi says he has “ideas” that never means anything remotely normal. It just doesn’t. Sion has to genuinely ask himself if that’s something he wants to delve into. He’s probably better off staying out of Yushi’s business entirely. But the temptation is there - as it always is - and it’s not like they ever keep secrets from each other…


So Sion, speaking very slowly, dares to ask: “...What does that mean?”


Yushi takes another bite of Pocky. “Sex, hyung. You may not know this, but adults have sex with each other.”


Ugh. Ugh, fine, if Yushi’s gonna be so fucking annoying about it then Sion’s better off not trying to get a real answer out of him - the little shit is using the tone he only uses when he’s teasing and Sion is having none of that. He rolls his eyes and reaches for the other thing he bought to eat, a fruit sando, because he’s thirty-four and doesn’t respect his body. This is just a lot of lofty talk from Yushi, who’s supposedly been celibate since he’s moved here. But now Sion’s starting to suspect that the weird tension his best friend has with that one guy who works at the bar might actually be something more than Yushi being mildly offputting.


So:


“Okay, well.” Sion doesn’t have a good comeback for… any of that, really. “It’s nice to have friends, I guess.” He takes a huge bite of his sandwich and ignores the pleased smirk Yushi sends him. 


“It is. Daeyoung and I have been talking a lot. And he tells me a lot about Riku, you know.” The conniving little smile on Yushi’s face certainly doesn’t mean anything good and Sion was, like, really hoping that this conversation wouldn’t get turned around back onto him even though he should’ve known better. Because Yushi tells him: “I found out something you should know, hyung.”


Sion’s interest is piqued. But he’s older than everyone he knows by at least half a decade and the chiding comes on principle: “Hey, gossiping isn’t nice.” Even though, yeah, that does sound very intriguing. 


But Yushi ignores the nagging and only leans in across the desk to stare closer at him. “It’s not gossip. It’s the insider-scoop.”


Sion would be lying if he said that wasn’t… kind of tempting. Yushi is a weird kid but he never hides anything from him, not really, not if it’s important. So Sion clears his throat and he only asks: “Is it something that would hurt Riku’s feelings if you told me?”


Yushi’s smile is still smug. “Not if he’s flirting with you like he has been.”


And, well. Sion is kind of miffed on Riku’s behalf, for some reason, because it’s not like they’re genuinely flirting or anything. He squints at Yushi. “He hasn’t been flirting.” And then, because Yushi’s got particular habits: “But whatever it is, be nice.”


“God, you’re such a dad now,” Yushi complains. But he doesn’t seem all that bothered as he leans back, tears open an onigiri, and explains: “Riku likes you.”


He says it like that’s a big secret. But Sion isn’t- he blinks. For a second he really sits there and digests that and there’s a weird feeling in his chest that rises and rises and rises, a tightness, a pain. For just a second, his heartbeat stutters in its tracks and he thinks: What? 


But then a very familiar voice in his mind is reminding him with an easy-going nag: What do you mean? Of course Riku likes you, he texts you, you’re good acquaintances. And, well, right. That’s not shocking. Not at all. Right, of course Riku likes him. They’re on the track to be friends of some kind, aren’t they?


It’s funny. The moment is funny, how conflicted he feels before easiness settles back down onto his shoulders like nothing weird happened at all. Sion smiles, he thinks, a normal smile. “Well, yeah. We text. I think we’re getting along well. He’s good to Megumi so I like to imagine he likes me, too.” He takes another bite of his fruit sando, his smile unchanging. “Is that really it, Yuu-chan?”


Sion doesn’t even consciously realize what he’s doing to himself, not yet. But Yushi’s expression goes a little pained as he wrestles with his onigiri wrapper. “No, idiot, not like that. He’s flirting with you-” Yushi takes a huge bite “-because he likes you. Romantically.”


The second time around Sion’s chest tightens again, this time much more viscerally. But then there’s that voice again: Aigo, it’s not romantic, you’re Megumi’s dad! Of course you get along! Sion blinks. He blinks hard. He listens to the voice on impulse but Yushi’s face is dead serious. 


That’s- what is-


“Don’t make fun of me,” Sion says first, because he just- it seems like the right thing to say. He takes a chomp out of his fruit sando. For a second he feels almost angry, and yet his chide is still all smiling and gentle: “That’s mean, you know, I like him and all but you don’t have to-”


“No, idiot, I’m being serious. Daeyoung told me.” Yushi gives him a flat stare, nothing mischievous in his expression anymore. “He likes you. A lot. And he’s flirting with you hard, hyung.”


It’s silly. It’s like the silliest thing in the world. Yushi’s voice sounds so far away and for a second, Sion almost considers the possibility that he’s dreaming, or maybe Yushi signed him up for a prank show or something. But Yushi is his best friend and has been his best friend going on twenty years, and he wouldn’t- he wouldn’t say something so cruel. Sion knows that much. Yushi is teasing but he’s incapable of being mean on a real level. And yet this is…


This can’t be true. It just can’t. Because his mind says it can’t, because Sion will deny reality as long as he doesn’t have to fucking face it. He refuses to. He refuses. 


“Eh, there’s no way Daeyoung told you that…” Sion’s voice trails off as he takes another bite of his food and he sounds nervous, for some reason, even though he has no reason to be. His voice shakes and the voices in his head go jumbled because there’s so many of them telling him different things even though it’s just- it’s not true. “Riku is just being nice ‘cause Gumi’s a handful, so-”


“I should’ve known you’d- stop it with the denial. Seriously.” Yushi scowls and it’s the genuinely annoyed kind he only uses when Sion’s being especially stupid. “Hyung, he likes you. As in, he wants to kiss you. And date you. And-”


Sion shakes his head. “But he doesn’t, I know he doesn’t, he has no reason to-“


“Why?” Yushi asks him, like really asks him. He stares at Sion point blank and asks: “Why shouldn’t he like you?”


Sion blinks. He blinks, hard, and it’s a little... Why is it wet? He doesn’t know. Somewhere deep in his sternum, under all the fear and uneasiness, he knows Yushi isn’t kidding. Of course he does, he can read Yushi better than he can read anyone. But he’s been in denial for so long and he just- his mind races. He’s just nice to you, it’s his job, except he wants you, too, except he does this to everyone, except Riku is all that you want. You are still running from the truth, Oh Sion, even now you are a coward. Can you really keep hiding? How far will you run?


Will you let Riku hurt you like you let Tsuchiko hurt you? Like you let her hurt Megumi? Are you really still afraid? It’s been three years, Sion, he likes you and he wants you and you know that. You know that. 


Is it really Megumi who has to be kept safe? Or are you still scared of yourself? 


“T-there’s no way,” Sion says and his voice is trembling, hollow. He laughs and that’s hollow, too. “Me? He likes me? There’s no-” He laughs again. “No, that’s… it’s not nice to lie, Yuu-chan.”


It’s weird. He feels a little like he’s underwater or something because in what should be a very surreal moment, he is only… he’s almost afraid. No, he’s very afraid. He’s so afraid that he wants to run, like really run, like run away as fast as he can and never look back. Sion has had this feeling for the past week but it was a feeling he was better off denying because reality is a terrifying fucking thing and he’d rather be Riku’s friend than his crush because he’s- Sion’s just not crush-worthy material. He isn’t. He stares down at his hands in his lap, his sandwich. He is not a good man. He is bad. He is bad down to his bone, his evil lurks on the cellular level, he ruins everything he touches and that’s just how it is. He ruined his life once already. He will do it again. He will ruin himself and he will ruin Megumi and-

Oh, god. He has to think about Megumi. A tear slowly, slowly drips down Sion’s nose. He doesn’t know why. 


Sion’s not a crier, and yet- and yet he’s-


“Hyung, seriously. Are you really crying?” Yushi is genuinely exasperated and Sion appreciates that, at least, because everything about this is fucking absurd. But it gets worse because Yushi is instantly circling around the desk and leaning into his side, hard, like he would as a kid whenever Sion needed a good cheering up. Yushi’s voice is low: “Hyung, seriously, you can’t really think of yourself like that.”


God. You can always count on Yushi to cut right down to where he’s the softest, the sorest, the most afraid. An arm circles Sion’s shoulders and Sion’s voice is tiny and wet and terrified: “Of course I do. Yushi, I…” Sion looks up at him and the tears are blurry in his eyes. “Come on, you know me.”


“No, I don’t, not- not in the way you think I do.” Yushi frowns hard as he leans in closer. “I don’t think bad about you. Seriously. Don’t tell me you’re, what, still hung up on Tsuchiko?”


Sion knows Yushi doesn’t mean to sound so judgemental when he says that but he still does. Sion wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand and laughs a very hollow laugh. Holy shit, this is so funny in the way that it feels like everything he knows is falling apart. “Well, of course I am. She was- Megumi’s so-” More tears come, though. “Yushi. Yushi, c’mon, I’m all-” He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what he is, not anymore. He’s nothing besides bad, right? Sion wouldn’t be a single dad in a foreign country unless he was a bad man.


But:


“You’re his type. You’re nice, you’re handsome.” Yushi’s voice is flat but he squeezes in closer. His free hand digs into his pocket for his phone. “Don’t say anything. I’ll show you.”


Sion wants to argue. “No, Yushi, I-”


“Shut up,” Yushi’s voice is much more stern the second time around, stern in the way it only is when he means no nonsense at all. So, almost instinctually, Sion shuts his mouth and stays silent while Yushi scrolls for something, mumbling under his breath all the while. But then he must find it. He taps on an attachment in his chat with Daeyoung and shoves it in Sion’s face. “Here. Just read this.”


It takes Sion’s eyes a second to focus through his tears. But after a few moments he realizes this is a screenshot of a chat between Daeyoung and Riku. And it’s…


Wow. Wow, they’re talking about him. 


Daeyoung’s message is first: Yeah, I get it, you like him.


Riku responds: Hehe…


It’s very Riku, all of it. The mannerisms and the response and- wow. It’s laid out for him in words. This feels like an impossibility for Sion to accept but it’s clear as day on the screen. More tears press at him but he keeps reading as Yushi pushes the phone more into his trembling hands. 


Daeyoung asks: But does the flirting have to be so intense?


Riku replies very honestly: I’d lighten up if he noticed I liked him. I’m trying to WOO him. I WANT IT TO WORK, DAEYOUNG!!!


It’s dumb. Sion sniffles, for some reason. He wipes his tears again and keeps reading. What follows is a paragraph from Riku to Daeyoung, predictably kaomoji ridden and a little bit nonsensical. 


I mean, listen. LISTEN. It’s not everyday you see someone so good-looking, right? But he’s so nice. I want to eat him. I want to, like, hold him hostage bc I want him. Don’t call me a yandere. But he’s so nice and he’s good with kids and he entertains all of my nonsense. Plus you don’t raise a kid like Gumi unless you’re good to her. She’s so sweet. She’s so well-loved. Don’t bullshit me, we both can see it. You don’t have a kid firm about their boundaries unless they’re taught that at home. HE’S SO GOOD TO HER. I WANT HIM TO BE LIKE THAT TO ME, TOO. IS IT REALLY TOO EARLY TO PROPOSE??? I WANT TO PROPOSE. DAEYOUNG, TELL ME!!! SHOULD I???!!!!


Daeyoung’s response is simple: You’re crazy.


And Riku’s reply is so quintessentially him that Sion’s eyes tear up again: I know ♡


It’s so- it’s so ridiculous. Sion wipes his eyes with his shaking hands and he pushes Yushi’s phone back into his hands because he read it. He doesn’t need to keep reading it. The truth is undeniable and he already knew anyway, deep down, that Riku liked him. It’s just so much easier not to accept it. But it’s blatant now. Riku thinks he’s good. Of all people, Riku thinks he’s good…


Sion wants to pretend he saw nothing. He wants to ignore this, too, on top of his feelings and all the truths he already knows. But the denial only lasts him for so long; he can only run for so far. He’s exhausted. He’s almost at the end of the line now and he’s fucking exhausted. 


“See? Don’t talk bad about yourself.” Yushi speaks before Sion can think to say anything, his voice petulant. “The rest of us like you, you know. You’re the only one who doesn’t like you.”


And that is- god. Wow. Sometimes Sion wishes Yushi didn’t know him quite so well. But he can accept that, at least for now, that he’s his biggest naysayer. It’s not like he wasn’t already aware anyway. Sion buries his face into his hands. His eyes aren’t quite dry but the weight in his chest is a little less oppressive. There’s only so much he can do to deny himself when it’s put in plain kanji. Riku likes him. Sion doesn’t even like himself. But Riku likes him.


“I- well.” Sion runs a his hands down his face and closes his eyes. He doesn’t know what to do about this. “Yushi, I really- I appreciate it, but I don’t-”


“Hyung. Hyung. Hyung, I’m seriously gonna kill you.” The gentleness drops from Yushi’s frame and he jerks away to go back to his own chair. You can tell he’s actually annoyed because he’s glaring. “I’m trying to tell you to go for it and you’re still being like this? Don’t make up any more excuses. I’m sick of it.”


“I’m not,” Sion defends himself regardless of the truth. “It’s just- I don’t have time to date. The thing with Riku is just friendly, I-” He attempts a smile. “I have to think about Megumi.”


Yushi’s face turns haughtier, which means to some degree that he must be genuinely ticked off. “All you think about is Megumi, Sion. Seriously.” He chomps angrily at his Pocky again. “Think about yourself, for god’s sake. If you got with Riku-”


Sion balks. “I’m not getting with Riku-”


“-well, it’d be good for both of you, idiot, dumbass, you’re so annoying.” Yushi is mad for real. He spins around his chair and turns his back to Sion. He only does that when he’s really upset. “But now you’ll never know. ‘Cause you’re too scared to do anything for yourself and you’re gonna die alone and celibate while Megumi cries at your funeral ‘cause her dad was a little baby who couldn’t be nice to himself.”


He’s being haughty and petulant but the part that sucks is that he’s right. Sion knows that much. He’s a stubborn man - he wants to argue on principle. You don’t get it, you don’t have a kid, Megumi’s so small and delicate and I am hardly suited to teach her what a good person looks like. She’s so much better than I will ever be. But he holds his tongue because he isn’t a complete idiot. 


Yushi’s right by definition. Sion isn’t going to do anything because he’s scared, regardless of- no matter what the reason is, he just won’t. He’s always been like that. For three years, he has refused to give himself anything more than scraps because he just doesn’t think he deserves a full meal. And that is…


Well. It’s not the behavior of a well-adjusted person with a good self-image, is it.


“Yuu-chan, I just…” Sion laughs again and the sound is still hollow and he’s just so fucking tired. “Yushi, Tsuchiko left me for a reason. I can’t let Megumi live through that again. I can’t be the reason she moves back to Mokpo...”


His words hang in the air because they’re true, too. Except Yushi turns back in his chair and his face is still upset: “Tsuchiko didn’t leave you because of something you did, hyung.”


Sion smiles a very empty, very tired thing. “But it’s not like- our marriage wasn’t just her decision. I have fault in it, too. And Megumi was-”


“Megumi has always trusted you more than anyone,” Yushi gets growly this time, which means he’s running low on patience and he won’t entertain this much longer. “You do right by her, idiot, moving and divorcing Tsuchiko and- come on, hyung. Come on.”


Sion bites his lip. Yushi’s right about that, too, and he- he fucking hates this. He hates his logic being picked apart. Under Riku’s care, Megumi is currently the happiest she’s ever been, and Sion can’t deny that. Not as her dad. The truth is that Riku would be good for both of them and he’s such a sincere person, too - Riku’s interest is so blatant and straightforward and honest - and he’s- he’s better than what Sion deserves. Riku asks him all those questions and wants to get to know him more and lets him talk about Megumi all he wants. No one else is really like that. Or at least no one that Sion wants so badly, fucking hell.


It’s terrible. Riku calls him a good dad, a good man. Riku is the one who would hold him and tell him he’s doing well. Sion isn’t stupid; he knows that much. But it still hurts anyway. 


How does he let himself have this? Is he even capable of that? Is he capable of being selfish, let alone smart enough to not fuck up his kid’s life again? Sion doesn’t think he is. He knows himself inside and out, he knows his faults and his impulses and that he struggles to focus on the right things. Riku is someone he would go crazy over. Riku could tear his life apart if Sion let him. Riku could be the second worst mistake he’s ever made. 


Sion sighs. It’s a heavy, tired, perpetually heartbroken thing. He’s just so- he’s tired. This game of tug and war between his rationale and what he really wants is exhausting. 


…And also he doesn’t know which side he’s rooting for anymore. There’s that, too.


Sion wants to keep arguing but the thing is that Riku is so good with Megumi. That’s the reason he’s so stuck on him - Sion can’t ignore that Riku is the only other person in her life who has always done right by her. Riku has Megumi figured out in a way even Yushi doesn’t and he never pushes, not at all, but he still doesn’t coddle her. That’s new. It’s good. It’s so good. It’s so good, good to the point that Sion wants him so, so fucking badly and it literally aches. It radiates down to his marrow, the want, the want that clashes against all the ugly things he thinks about himself.


If I were brave again… if I just let myself… Riku could be the next right choice…


“I don’t- I don’t know.” Sion’s being honest because he doesn’t know anything at all and it’s been so long since he has. “Megumi only has me. I can’t interrupt her life like that. You know how Tsuchiko was with her.” Sion inhales; he exhales. “It’s such a big risk to take.”


“Yeah, but everything you do is already a risk. Megumi’s not stupid, she sees how you treat yourself.” Sion can’t believe that Yushi has the audacity to point that out but shit, that’s true too. Yushi levels at him with a stare. “Sion, be honest. Okay? You have to be honest. You want him.”


Those three words are- they scare him. They scare him a lot. Sion sucks in a breath and he stares down at his hands. They’re his. They have squeezed Riku’s shoulder, they have been held by a lot of people. But would Riku treat him as gently as he treats Megumi? Would he hold him and accept his pain for all it is? Riku’s palms are bigger, his fingers are longer, he could be so… he could be so good.


God, Sion wants him. He does. It’s just a fact, he wants him and he knows very deep down that that’s not really a bad thing at all. There are few parents as cautious as he is and Sion isn’t really a machine, he’s been running out of steam for a very long time and one of these days he will run out entirely. 


But it’s such a big risk. But then, for the rest of his life, is he still always going to be this afraid?


Moving back to Mokpo was a risk and Sion still took it. Coming to Japan was a risk and Sion took that, too. Letting Riku text him is a risk and yet he indulges. He can’t stop himself from indulging. Sion can prioritize Megumi all he wants but he can’t tamp down the perpetually impulsive part of him that aches for more, more, more…


Sion sighs. He looks back up at Yushi and he admits: “I do. I do want him. But I shouldn’t…”


Yushi doesn’t even blink. “You’re the only one who thinks you shouldn’t. You can tell yourself bullshit all you want, but you’re not convincing anyone, hyung. Not even yourself.”


And, well. That’s kind of the nail in the coffin. Yushi sends him a pointed look and then he’s standing up and out of his chair to rummage through some more boxes behind his desk. That’s what he’s been doing all day. There’s some tax stuff Sion doesn’t understand and he just…


Sion sighs and he admits: “I’m not convincing myself at all.”


Yushi doesn’t look at him, but his lips twitch. “Yeah. No shit.”


There’s nothing really left to say. Yushi has pointed out every flaw in his logic and Sion is just left with his shame, really, like he always is. And as much as he denies himself, he can’t fight the impulses forever. That’s what happened with Tsuchiko. He couldn’t fight them then and he can’t fight them now. Sion’s hand curls up into a fist in his lap and he exhales, slowly, slowly, slowly. Riku likes him. He almost wants to smile about it but he can’t let himself, not quite yet. 


He needs to get back to work. Just- just for now. He needs to get back to work and think about it. 


The rest of the shift is normal, albeit a little stilted, but that’s because Yushi’s giving him room to breathe. Which Sion appreciates. This revelation hasn’t really collapsed his world in on itself or anything because it’s not like Riku is an especially subtle person, or at least not in retrospect. He is actually the opposite. He’s so obvious to the point that it’s endearing. But Sion still isn’t able to give into himself. Not yet.


He needs more time, at least. He needs something that he can use to prove to himself that he deserves this. Or, if not that, he needs to- he needs to be more sure. So Sion waits. And he almost considers it. 


Almost; he’s not there just yet, but he’s… he’s getting close. 


Sion works and works and works and he picks Megumi up from school when work’s over. He thinks he’s acting the same as usual but he can’t be quite sure. And yet Riku’s smile is still blinding when he comes in through the door and Sion feels something in his belly unclench, he feels something in him relax, the fear in him goes subdued. And that is so shameful he doesn’t know what to do with himself. But still. 


But still, Riku likes him. Sion doesn’t know if he’s more happy or sad about that, but for now he is-


“Sion-san,” a hand squeezes his arm: “How are you?”


Riku is so sweet that it aches. It’s so silly. Sion feels his heart race. Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump. I like you. I like you so much and I don’t know if I’m brave enough to do something about it. Why is he so hesitant? He doesn’t know. But he can’t be brave, not yet, three years has felt so short and so long all at once. Riku is nothing like Tsuchiko but that’s the thing, isn’t it. Riku is too good.


“I- I’m doing well.” Sion rests a hand over Riku’s. He squeezes, too. He watches the flush spread on Riku’s face, his ears, down his neck. He sees it, the affection that he is finally allowed to have if he only wants it enough. He doesn’t know if he’s brave. He doesn’t. But he- he wants to be.


Sion exhales; he looks over at Megumi, who is grabbing her bag. He wants to be brave for the both of them. And when he looks back over at that smile, Riku is as beautiful as ever. “That’s good to hear. You deserve to have a good day!”


It’s dumb Sion drops his hand and he flexes it at his side, a clench. It’s fine. He almost- maybe… maybe one day, right? Riku is too good for him but he likes him. That’s the thing, Riku likes him. That’s the thing he can’t get over no matter how true it is, because this should feel like a pipedream, except it fucking isn’t. It’s real, it’s only-


Riku likes Sion. Of all people, it’s him. 


“I hope your day was good, too,” Sion smiles. And Riku laughs. And god, it feels like the storm in his sternum is settling for the first time in so many years that it stings. Something calm is clicking into place and it doesn’t hurt like it used to. It used to hurt so much, Tsuchiko’s absence and Megumi’s meltdowns and doing it alone and-


Megumi crashes into him, squeezing her Appa into a hug. Riku’s hand rests on Sion’s shoulder, then he reaches down to ruffle her hair. They talk about nothing and also everything, the things that matter, Megumi. Megumi matters so much to him and that’s something Riku understands, for some impossible reason, Riku understands him and looks at him and sees him for who he really is. He sees him more as a dad, a divorcee, a handyman. Sion-san, he calls him, in that specific doting tone.


Riku’s there, close enough to touch. Riku is beautiful and Riku is wonderful with his kid and Riku likes him. And Sion thinks and thinks and thinks, and for the first time he almost considers it: Maybe, one day soon, he will feel a little bit braver. Maybe.