CHAPTER NINE
In late December, on a morning that is pretty much exactly the same as every other morning, Sion wakes to a weight on his chest. At first he makes a disgruntled noise. But then there’s a smooch at his mouth and that is- well. There’s only one person, quite obviously, who has the gall to wake him like this.
“Sionie hyung,” a low voice teases. “Wake up.”
Immediately Sion’s eyes are flying open - because those words in that tone activate his flight or fight, what the fuck - to the sight of his boyfriend grinning up at him. Riku’s essentially laying across his chest, sleepy and a little too giddy for the early hour. Sion squints down at him. “Wh- what on earth are you doing?”
But again, Riku’s smile is way too cheery considering he’s already pulling schemes. “Good morning, hyung.”
God, of course he’s already in a mood. Sion frowns. “I thought I told you not to call me that.” Even while not fully awake his fingers trace a familiar path up Riku’s arm, his shoulder, his nape. It’s habit by now and he holds him there, firm, the same way you’d scruff a misbehaving kitten. Then Sion drags him into a proper kiss. “It’s too early for you to be this naughty.”
“But I-” The teasing tone of Riku’s voice becomes more of a mumble as he’s kissed over and over again. “But Yuu-chan gets to-”
“Yuu-chan has called me that since he was eleven,” Sion yanks Riku to him by the waist and rolls them over sideways so they can lay side by side. Riku doesn’t seem very surprised by the manhandling; Sion’s thumb pulls a little at the corner of his mouth and he doesn’t even nip at it. And so Sion reminds him, as he often does: “You aren’t Yuu-chan, kitty. You have to learn Korean first.”
His thumb drags and Riku’s lips close around it. His teeth scrape over Sion’s skin and his lips suck at him, once. And then Riku pulls away, something a little more dazed in his expression. Sion smiles.
So that’s all it takes, huh? His kitty’s finally decided to be good.
“...Maybe.” Riku breathes. His voice is more subdued as Sion dips forward to kiss him; his arms loop around Sion’s neck and pull him in even closer, closer, closer. “But one day I want to call you that too, so-”
“Maybe.” Sion’s hand slides down Riku’s shoulder, his chest, his stomach, to squeeze at his hip. He smiles when Riku kisses him back. “Mm. Good boy.”
Riku pulls away only to nose into his jaw. “I really am, aren’t I.”
And, well. Sion’s going to let that snide remark go because it’s certainly nice when Riku chooses to behave rather than tease him with the things Sion is very famously weak to, like his name in that soft voice or his boyfriend’s perfect, perfect mouth or any of those very sweet attempts at parroting his Korean. Now that school’s on break this has been their routine everyday; Riku’s babysitting Megumi while Sion’s at work again, though that’s a set-up they’ve wordlessly adopted at this point. Nowadays Riku basically lives with them outside of the school week and Sion’s being a little too indulgent with him.
But, like, you know. It’s hard not to be very, very, very indulgent when your boyfriend is Maeda Riku. So.
Seriously, Sion hadn’t intended on letting him sleep over so much. But when a man this perfect works all day playing babysitter for him it’s hard not to feed that perfect man dinner, and then once it’s dark he may as well just spend the night, right? Riku shouldn’t be walking home when it’s this cold. And Sion can’t drive him when Megumi’s bed time is so stringent. There are so many logistical things to keep in mind, aren’t there! Riku needs to be fed and cuddled and doted on, so he may as well just stay!
(And yeah, Sion is aware that he’s the one who’s responsible if this were to come back around to bite him in the ass, but for now he’s choosing to enjoy himself. And he is very much enjoying himself, thank you.)
It’s easier to have this set up when they’re hanging out so often anyway. Yesterday was Christmas and so Sion and Riku went out on a date while Yushi and Daeyoung watched Megumi in the morning before getting back together with everyone to have a good, classic KFC dinner. These days it really feels like they have a small but very loving family and Sion’s having a hard time denying himself the love. And that’s new, too - Oh Sion is a very disciplined man and he’s spent many years denying himself pretty much every want or desire that comes to mind. But now that he’s gotten a little more lenient, it’s not the worst thing in the world.
“You’re warm,” Riku’s hand comes up to cradle his cheek. The comforter’s kind of tangled around them but he noses into Sion’s face like the cutest cat ever. “The room’s cold, Sion, I need more kisses to warm up…”
It’s true that Sion’s room is the coldest in the house, though they’ve also been sharing body heat all night and whenever they’re in the same bed Riku is akin to a literal furnace. But Sion still smiles and pecks his boyfriend on the lips, just once. “Really? Is that enough for you?”
Riku only presses in closer, his hand curling around Sion’s jaw. “More,” he says. “I need way more than that.”
Sion can’t help his chuckle. But of course, as always, he obliges. “C’mere.”
It’s a little silly. Sion’s feeling more fond than usual, high off the holiday spirit and the impending excitement of his family flying in tomorrow. On this morning in particular he indulges in Riku for a little too long; his boyfriend kisses him and kisses him and Sion really, really, really doesn’t want to trudge in the cold all the way over to the ryokan when he could stay home and make out with the handsome man in his bed. But when Sion’s alarm rings, he finds the inner strength to pull away with a sigh. “Sorry, baby, I’ve got work.”
“Just a few more,” Riku mumbles as his arms curl around Sion’s neck, pulling him in closer. “It’s your fault for seducing your babysitter, you know. And you invite me into your bed every night like a perverted old man…”
Sion squeezes his hip and nips at him. “I remember it being the other way around, sweetheart. You seduced me.”
He’s half-joking but that still makes Riku blink, once, before he smiles a guilty little thing like he’s only just realizing that he was the one who spent a month worming under Sion’s skin and needling for his attention and wearing him down until Sion inevitably caved. Riku scratches at his neck. “We should just say that it was mutual, you know.”
And, well, that makes Sion grin. “Was it?”
Riku balks. “Of course it was!” Sion laughs that time - it’s just so fun to tease, that’s not his fault - but then Riku pinches him in the side: “You’re obsessed with me, you know, don’t try to act like you aren’t!”
He’s being silly. Sion rolls onto his back, laughing all the while. “No, you’re right. I am.” And then he grins when Riku huffs at him like an indignant little thing. “I’m sorry, kitty, you just get so cute when I tease.”
But Riku pushes him to the edge of the bed. “You’re annoying. Go to work.”
At least he’s being let go, though Sion apologizes again with a pat on his head and Riku only noses into him with an appeased smile, so there’s that. But for another second Sion just stands at the end of the bed and watches Riku nose back into his pillow and take what looks like a deep inhale. He’s noticed Riku’s obsession with smelling him but he’s ignoring it for the sake of his, like, sanity. But then Riku heaves out a sleepy sigh, looks up at him, and says: “See, you’re being obsessive again.”
Sion only blinks because he managed to get himself into a daze just by watching his boyfriend roll around in the sheets while trying to get comfy; Riku’s just hypnotizing, you know, long tanned legs and a cute bedhead and a sweet, handsome, very alluring face…
“Um.” Sion got distracted again. “What’d you say?”
Riku grins up at him. “Go wake Megumi up. Or else I’m gonna make you get back in here.”
And, well, he’s definitely not joking about that. “Right,” Sion says, turning to the door and refusing to look back to the temptation sprawled in his bed.
A chuckle follows him out the door. “You’re cute.”
It’s just not fair, Sion runs a hand down his face and chides himself for his inability to focus. How on earth can one man be so bad for my attention span…
It takes less than one stride to cross the hallway to Megumi’s room. Slowly sliding the door open, Sion pokes his head inside. She’s knocked out, her body sprawled out across her futon. How in the world Megumi manages to squirm out of that thing in her sleep is a mystery. But Sion steps inside, makes his way over to her, and kneels down to shake his daughter awake. “Baby, Appa’s going to work. What d’you want for breakfast?”
He runs his hand over Megumi’s mess of bedhead as she yawns. “Hi, Appa…” Her arms stretch up, hooking around his neck. “Don’t go. Play with me all day.” Megumi’s voice, still barely awake, comes out as more of a whine.
Sion’s smile is wry. “I wish I could, honey. But your Halmeoni and your Abeoji are coming tomorrow and Appa has to get some work done first. You can spend the day with your Sensei, okay?”
Megumi pouts but she still lets Sion pull her upright, and then she’s immediately slotting herself into his lap and nuzzling into his neck. Sion tries not to stress over the clock ticking on as he runs a hand down her back. Megumi has these mornings of intense clinginess, it’s not that strange…
But while he thought that the cuddling would appease her, Megumi only clings harder when Sion tries pulling away. And then she asks, for some reason: “Can Sensei still sleep over?”
For god’s sake, that’s what she’s worried about? Sion levels out a sigh as Megumi squeezes her arms around his neck. “Probably not. Your grandparents are coming tomorrow, so he has to go home…”
But honestly, it’s Sion’s fault for trying to reason with a seven year-old this early in the morning. Immediately, Megumi frowns and wriggles out of his lap, stumbling as she rises to her feet. “Then… then we have to go cuddle with Maeda Sensei… I don’t want him to go…”
And that is… what the fuck is she up to now?
Sion doesn’t know if he’s ever been so exasperated in his life as he watches Megumi trip over her own feet and leave through her open bedroom door, her bunny stuffie still tucked under one arm. Sion gets up and follows her when she shuffles across the hallway. He sighs again. “Megumi, seriously…”
His attempt to placate a seven year-old on a mission, however, is fruitless. Megumi meanders into Sion’s room without any reservations and immediately climbs into his bed, plopping herself right down on top of Riku.
“Sensei,” she drawls. “Are you really leaving?”
Sion runs a hand down his face. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to do about this. Riku must’ve dozed back off because his head pops up with equally atrocious bedhead and he only blinks at Megumi, who’s sprawled atop of him, and then at Sion, who is suddenly feeling very tired.
Riku settles a hand on Megumi’s head. “Er, um, yeah. Sorry?”
But that only makes her pout even more. “Why can’t you stay? I want you to stay.”
“Gumi,” Sion sighs. “Sensei has his own place to live, too.” Though admittedly he understands why the two of them look back at him with disbelieving expressions, because he can count the amount of times he’s let Riku sleep in his own bed over the past few weeks on one hand. Which is- okay, yeah, he walked into that one.
But at least Riku catches on quickly. He runs a hand over Megumi’s hair and tucks her bangs out of her face. “I have to go back to my apartment, baby. I’ve got to… um…” Riku’s normally more suave than this, but again, he just woke up. “I have to check on my… my fridge.”
If only Megumi were a little less sharp for her age, that’d be great. Her eyes narrow. “Your fridge?”
Sion has to hide his face in his palm when Riku looks to him for help. “Y-yeah! My groceries might be going bad, so-”
“Then let’s go check on them,” Megumi says, “and then you can come back here and sleep over again!”
This is bad. Riku looks to Sion for help again and Sion is quite literally speechless because it’s rare that even Megumi decides to be this stubborn after being told a hard “no.” And especially when it comes from Riku - she listens to him better than she listens to Sion and while that’s oftentimes the bane of Sion’s existence, it usually helps them out in times like these.
But she stares up at Riku, now fully awake and ready to fight for her Sensei to stay over. Riku is avoiding her eyes. And Sion just- he doesn’t even know what to say.
“Megumi,” he sighs. “Please, honey. Your Sensei has to go back home.”
Sion sounds a little helpless and he is helpless, actually, because he already feels like he’s insane to have encouraged this kind of behavior with all of their sleepovers as it is. Megumi already has very little care for any boundaries with Riku to begin with, and lately she’s been practically fused to him, and the only time they can really get her to ease up is when they’re at school with the promise of many, many sweets if she behaves. And no, that wasn’t a parenting moment that Sion was particularly proud of himself for, okay? But there’s not much he can do at this point.
Sion’s mostly just concerned as to why Megumi is so obsessed with Riku all of a sudden. She’s never been like this with anyone else before, or at least not anyone besides him. And that- the implications of that kind of stress him out, like, a lot.
Yet even still, Megumi has the gall to pout up at him. “But why not?”
Sion bites his lip because he likes being even-keeled with her, you know, since kids at this age only become more defiant once they realize they’re getting a reaction out of you. But Megumi’s making it difficult to keep level-headed when she’s overwhelming him with all of this immediately upon waking up. And so Sion inhales; he exhales; he levels her with a Look. Right, he just needs to be stern and patient…
“Baby, Appa has to get dressed for work. We can talk about it but first, let me breathe.” Sion even tacks on a smile that he hopes is more reassuring rather than what it actually is, incredibly fucking tired. “Please? Is that okay?”
But thankfully, Megumi deflates - at least she knows better than to push once her Appa is really at his limit - and then she curls into Riku’s neck. Her pout deepens even more. “Okay, fine…”
Well, at least there’s that. Sion lets out a long sigh before he turns to his closet and pulls off his shirt, trying to ignore the headache pressing at his temples. These days Megumi is obsessed with the idea of Riku staying with them and it’s not like the math there is very complicated to solve, is it? During their father-daughter heart to heart a month back, Megumi expressed that she was scared of Riku leaving. And that makes it very difficult to limit their time together, especially since she’s more well-behaved whenever Riku is there to dote on her. Sion feels out of depth with this whole thing because he knows he shouldn’t let Megumi get too attached to Riku when there’s always the possibility of them breaking up, but unfortunately for him, Riku being her teacher makes that impossible to dissuade. And even if he wasn’t, Megumi has basically claimed him as one of her favorite people, like, ever - if Sion tries to take Riku away from her she will have the meltdown of a lifetime.
It’s not the worst thing in the world, really, because it’s not like Sion really doubts their relationship much anymore. Really, he’s- he’s gotten better about that. But he doesn’t want Riku to feel burdened by the bond Megumi has decided she wants with him, especially since these days they’re basically a family unit, and on top of that there’s no way Megumi even knows what she’s asking for with the way she clings. But she’s basically adopted Riku as a parent already, or at least something close to it, and that’s just-
It freaks Sion out, like, a lot. It freaks him out and he can’t dissuade her and it’s just a big thing for him to grapple with right now.
Isn’t it too soon for all of this? It has to be, right, when they’ve been dating for less than six months? Sion doesn’t know if Riku understands the scope of the responsibilities he’s agreed to because it’s impossible to be sure of anything, and that’s just the nature of, like, everything. But Sion is a control freak by instinct and the lack of knowing is driving him insane. Especially when Megumi lays atop of his boyfriend, nuzzles into his neck, and Riku just hums and hugs her back.
Fuck. That’s so cute. Sion is a little moved by the scene but only a little bit. “You’re sleepy, huh?” Riku hums, barely awake himself.
“Yeah,” Megumi yawns. “‘Cause Sensei’s comfy.”
Sion opens his closet doors and tries to ignore the way the stress presses at him because there’s always that voice of doubt in his head that never fucking leaves. He takes out his uniform as Riku rolls onto his back and lets Megumi plop into his side. He’s so good with her and that’s both the worst and best thing about their whole relationship, right? Riku’s so good and Sion’s scared shitless and that will probably never change.
“Well, maybe your Appa can let me stay one more night. But I-” Riku yawns. “Tomorrow you’re seeing your grandparents, honey…” His arm sprawls out and Megumi takes one of his hands hostage.
“Appa,” she calls as Sion pulls his uniform shirt on, “can Sensei stay another night?”
Her voice is more subdued this time around - meaning that she’s trying to not harass him over it - which is an improvement of sorts. Sion sighs and looks over at them. Riku seems to be dozing off again, just a little bit, but Megumi is still stuck to him like a leech. “If Sensei wants to, sure…” Sion can agree to that much, he supposes, though he doesn’t enjoy the way Megumi always manages to get her way.
“Really?” The news makes her beam, because as always, she is incorrigible and stubborn and exactly like Sion in all of the worst ways. Megumi shakes Riku awake, who managed to fall back asleep. “You can stay another night, Sensei!”
“Oh, yay…” Riku yawns again. He really must be tired. He never complains about having to babysit or that she hangs off of him in the hours before and after Sion goes to work, but Sion really needs to give him a break. Riku’s technically not on the clock until he leaves and yet Megumi’s already causing such a ruckus. And this is supposed to be his week off, too…
God. Maeda Riku really is an angel on earth. Sion doesn’t think any other person would want to keep up with Megumi like this and yet Riku doesn’t even hesitate to squeeze her in close while she cheers in his ear. It’s kind of insane, actually, because even Sion gets overwhelmed about being a victim of her schemes at all hours of the day. Riku takes on responsibility for her like it’s a given but the realization that he does far more than Sion ever asked him to is just so- ugh. How can one person be so good not only to him, not only to his kid, but also in every way imaginable? Riku’s just perfect. And that handsome, sleepy face really needs to be kissed and praised in thanks because he’s just the best boyfriend ever and Sion still can’t believe Riku is all his.
So, desperately wanting to dote on his boyfriend and needing a few seconds break from his hyperactive seven year-old, Sion put a hand on his hip and levels with his daughter: “Gumi, go get changed, okay? Appa and Sensei have to talk before breakfast.”
It’s a bit of a white lie but they could both use a moment of calm. Megumi sends him a big, big pout. “But…” She clings onto Riku even tighter. Lord, she’s a menace in the mornings.
“Appa will make you pancakes in a few minutes.” Sion goes over to the bed to untangle his daughter from his boyfriend. “Come on. Sensei’s still sleepy and you’re so loud.”
“I’m not loud,” Megumi declares loudly. And, well, this is just par for the course.
Her frown is severe as she lets Sion wrangle her off the bed and guide her out the door, but at least she listens. Though Sion can admit that despite everything, Megumi pretty much always listens to him. “Okay, fine, I’ll go…” You can still hear the pout in her voice even as her feet drag their way back across the hallway. But really, she’ll be just fine.
Sion slides the door shut behind her with a sigh before returning to the bed and settling down by Riku’s side. Then he smiles when Riku reaches for him. God, he’s so cute...
“Hello, handsome.” Riku seems to be a little more awake as he openly ogles the fit of Sion’s shirt to his chest. Two hands run over his shoulders and Riku’s grin only widens. “Wow, and all of this is mine. I’m so lucky, huh…”
Sion laughs. “Hey, I didn’t realize you were such a weirdo.” He leans down to give Riku a kiss. “Hm? Were you always like this about me?” Sion’s ears turn a little pink as Riku gropes at his pecs - the embarrassing part is how relentless he is about doing this every morning - but at this point Sion’s also pretty used to it. He has mixed feelings about this being a part of their routine, but alas.
Riku is shameless about pretty much everything - including appreciating his body - and Sion would be a fool to tell himself otherwise. So.
“You already knew I was like this,” Riku reminds him with a smug little smile. He doesn’t seem to mind being groped back as Sion pulls him into a hug and feels down his back, his waist, his ass. Sion’s two hands circle his hips and his thumb presses down at his stomach, mostly just because this always gets some kind of reaction out of him. Then Riku wheezes. “Wait, stop, you’re being too sexy.” He reels back with a tiny whine as Sion kisses his cheek. “I’m still weak, show me mercy…”
Sion laughs. His boyfriend can really be so strange sometimes. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”
But even when he complains, Riku still takes the opportunity to sit up and settle into Sion’s lap like he belongs there. And hey, maybe he does. Sion runs a hand down his back as Riku noses into his shoulder. He’s much more awake this time around: “What’re you all mopey about? You told Gumi we had to talk.”
Sion hums and curls a hand over Riku’s nape, thumbing at his hairline. “Well, that was mostly an excuse. But I also want to make sure that you’re, like…” Sion smiles a tired thing. “I don’t want you to feel pressured by her. I know she’s clingy with you but you can also tell her no. She’s already spoiled as it is.”
All of that’s just objectively true anyway, never mind that Megumi usually doesn’t mind the prospect of being told to go off and entertain herself. But Riku just shakes his head. “‘S okay. I like it when she clings. And I wanna spend the night with you anyway.” Riku leans in closer with a smile. “If you tell me to come, I’ll come running. If you tell me to go, I’ll go home on my own. You know what I mean?”
Sion exhales. He doesn’t know why the reassurance is so relieving, though he supposes it probably has something to do with how stressed he’s been over his parents visiting. Even besides trying to hide his relationship with Riku, the logistics have been nightmarish. His boyfriend has been the only thing keeping him sane lately and Sion vastly prefers having him around even when he shouldn’t.
God, it’s just true that this impending trip has been running him ragged. It’s not like Sion’s going to come out to his parents - let alone introduce Riku as his boyfriend - but he needs him around to keep the insanity contained. Riku is a good buffer for both of them, plus it limits the chances his parents will have to needle him about finding a girlfriend. Or god forbid, a wife. Sion’s going to have a hard time playing pretend but it’s for his own fucking peace of mind, isn’t it? They’ve talked about this extensively, him and Riku have, so he’s not really feeling terribly nervous. But still, he can feel the pressure building.
Not being too overt is difficult. It feels like an impossible challenge. But Sion needs Riku with him and even if the worst comes to worst, he doesn’t think he’s able to give Riku up just so he can keep up the facade of perfect son. It’s a bit of a shameful thought, though. He’s not the type of person who would go no-contact just so he doesn’t have to hide in the closet anymore, but these days it just feels like…
Well. You know. That’s not really important right now; Sion’s got a few things to grapple with and the flight arriving tomorrow morning may bring him the most peace he’s felt in a year, or perhaps the worst anxiety he’s had since moving here. So.
“I want you around if you’re comfortable with that.” Sion exhales into Riku’s hair and closes his eyes. “Maybe not tomorrow but definitely at another point…”
Riku turns his head to press a kiss to his cheek. “That sounds good.” God, his voice is so sweet. “Do you have any plans?”
Sion hums as his boyfriend squeezes in closer. “This weekend we’re going to Universal, I think. I’d like you to come with.” His fingers run through Riku’s hair. “And Yuu-chan will be there, too, so don’t worry too much about anything being awkward with my parents…” He opens his eyes and Riku, of course, is already smiling at him.
“I’m not the one worrying,” he teases in a light voice. Then Riku’s grin grows when Sion huffs. “It’ll be fun. Your sister has baby pictures, right?”
And, well, it’s nice that at least one of them is feeling calm. Riku knows that Siyeon is aware of their relationship and that is a storm waiting to happen, whatever those two will get up to, considering that whenever she and Yushi get together they already make it their mission to bully him incessantly. But still, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for them to get along with each other. And so Sion smiles a very, very weary thing. “I’m sure she’s collected every embarrassing photo of me in existence for you, actually.”
Riku‘s grin grows even more. “Worse than your college Instagram?”
Sion’s face goes red. “Don’t make fun of me.”
They can’t idle for much longer because Sion’s already running a little behind schedule, but there are some logistics for tomorrow they still need to work out. Though for today, at least, he’s hoping things around the house can stay nice and calm. “You’re running out of time to make pancakes, Appa,” Riku says when Sion drags him into another kiss.
Sion pulls away with a little frown. “Don’t say ‘Appa’ either. You say it like a pervert.” Then he grins when Riku grabs a pillow and smacks him with it. “Riku, seriously, you always-”
“How could you keep calling me a pervert!” Riku whines. “I’m your boyfriend!”
Sion laughs as he gets a pillow to the face. “I know, it’s just- Okay, I’m sorry!”
They’re just being silly, really, because it’s hard not to goad each other on in the early morning; after a tiny bit of a pillow fight Sion leaves Riku to change and immediately finds Megumi, who is already on the couch and watching TV in one of her classic terribly-coordinated outfits.
God, Sion loves her so much. Even when she asks-demands: “Pancakes?”
“Coming right up,” Sion tells her. He’s gonna be late for work but that’s fine. Yushi understands he’s currently living in domestic bliss and his time management skills have going right down the fucking drain.
So Sion floats into the kitchen and starts up a pot of coffee and a kettle of tea and gets out the normal pancake ingredients, mixing everything together and before heating up his pan on the stove. For some reason he can’t wipe the smile off his face. There are the sounds of cartoons coming from the living room and the shower running down the hall and it’s just- this is the most domestic things have ever been for them. Maybe Sion’s being delusional but he’s pretty sure that he’s earned this feeling of finally being settled, hasn’t he? And of course he’s still terrified by the prospect of Riku being so deeply involved in their lives, but he’s also…
Well, he’s happy. And he’s grateful. And it’s been a long time since he’s gotten to really feel either of those feelings, so he’s trying to let himself enjoy it. This is the first time since Megumi was born that Sion’s been able to keep the fear at bay and that’s a relief he didn’t know his body was waiting for. That’s something he’s trying to embrace - his relief and his happiness and all the other good things.
Sion sips on his coffee as he pours some batter into the pan and waits for the pancakes to cook. It feels easier to focus on good things when he’s left alone to cook for them in the mornings, and wow, that’s kind of insane too. For so many years this was the only time of day when he’d let himself spiral or stew or give in to that perpetual bitterness. But now it’s getting easier to take himself out of spiraling; the doubt that used to live in every bone in his body and ache whenever someone got too close feels more like a whisper these days. Sometimes it tries calling out for him but Sion’s resolve is strengthening and he can’t help but be a little proud of himself. Isn’t that crazy? When was the last time Sion was proud of himself?
Has he ever been proud of himself before? He doesn’t think he has. But these days he’s feeling something close, and that’s just… it’s great.
Sion and Riku’s relationship has just been so wonderful. There’s no doubt about that. He likes Riku so much that it makes his chest literally ache and he’s just- he gets so overwhelmed, at times, because Riku’s so cute and witty and good for him and good in general. Their dates are the highlight of Sion’s week and Riku never complains even when Megumi has to come with them; Riku is such a steady kind of boyfriend that even the dredges of the deep, deep, deep-seated terror in Sion’s sternum don’t have much of a footing to stand on. To an extent the paranoia is healthy, you know, because Sion knows his own inclinations and being cautious is smarter than letting himself be impulsive. But Sion is surprised everyday by just how confident he feels in their future. Even when Riku had that little fit at the mall it was a relief they were able to talk things out without any fighting, and it’s also a relief that Riku has gotten more honest about his insecurities in the time since then. To know he’s not the only insecure one out of the two of them is honestly kind of comforting, which is silly, but Sion is finally living the domestic life that he used to dream of when Megumi was an infant and he’d sit in her nursery in the dark while she slept in his arms, slowly feeling more and more uncertain about the life he signed up for when he was only twenty-four.
That uncertainty is more of an echo these days; Riku’s just so good for him and he’s good for Megumi, too. There’s no doubt that Riku is the reason she was able to open up about her mom and her anxiety over moving again, and that... that came to Sion as a surprise. Megumi is a pretty resilient kid in that she never complained whenever Sion had to make big decisions for them - she struggled with the move from Mokpo but she followed Sion without any real complaint because he used to be the only person she really trusted. But now Megumi trusts Riku, too, and it leaves Sion speechless whenever he thinks about it because Riku will never understand just how crazy it is for Megumi to trust anyone. For the first few years of her life, she stuck to Sion like a leech and had a mom who didn’t even have the patience to stoop down to her level; that’s the kind of attitude Sion’s always been prepared for people to have towards his kid. But Riku is good for her and now it feels like Sion’s finally getting things right.
In a way this all feels inevitable and long coming and like the thing he’s been waiting for. And it’s so hard to fight something that feels like fate, isn’t it? This really, really feels something like fate.
Sion sighs as the pancakes sizzle and the smell of butter fills the kitchen. He closes his eyes, briefly, just sinking into the peace for a moment. Their house has never been so calm and settled and just… everything feels like it’s clicked into place. Sometimes it’s hard not to be doubtful but right now things are good - they’re finally good - and the fact that Riku never complains only makes all of this harder to fight off. Sion can’t tell if that’s because the responsibility doesn’t intimidate him or if Riku’s just really good at keeping on that confident face, but he’s starting to think that his boyfriend might really be just, like, insane and down for the craziness he signed himself up for. It’s a little funny, a little naive, and very fucking absurd. Sion opens his eyes, flips a few pancakes, and then takes another sip of coffee.
He just needs to not give into the doubt and trust his boyfriend on this, right? Riku may be naive but he’s not stupid, is the thing, and he always knows what he wants. So if the thing he wants is to be a part of their little family, then…
Well, you know. Who is Sion to deny him that?
Eventually Riku finishes up with his shower and wanders into the kitchen. “Did you make me anything?” He squeezes Sion into a backhug and rests his chin over his shoulder.
“I did,” Sion turns his head just the slightest bit to kiss him. “I made you some tea. And I’ll make eggs, too.”
Riku smiles and kisses him back, this time a little more firmly. And when he pulls back, his smile only grows at the sight of the food on the counter. “Wow, Sion-san, you’re so good to me…”
Sion’s ears feel a little warm. “Well, I try to be.”
It’s almost funny how right this feels, Riku’s weight against his back as Sion pours him some tea and hands the mug over. Every now and again he has these twinges of embarrassment because it’s been the greater part of a decade since he’s been so cozy with someone, but of course Maeda Riku is the kind of boyfriend who makes you want to settle down with him.
Riku grins as he takes the mug from Sion’s hand. It’s very, very smug, like he knows he has Sion right under his thumb. “Thank you, hyung.”
And, well, at least that makes Sion click his tongue. “How many times are you gonna misbehave today?”
Riku ducks away with a cackle when Sion waves a dish towel at him, but that’s fine. He lets Riku scamper back to the living room to take refuge with Megumi. There’s the chatter of the two of them talking about Shin-chan or whatever else they talk about. Sion finishes flipping the last few pancakes and fries up some eggs before calling them in to eat.
“Yummy!” Megumi’s more than happy to stuff her face as she plops down in Sion’s lap. Normally he’d scold that she needs to sit by herself - for god’s sake, she turns eight in a week - but he’s gonna revel in these last few days of his little one being this little. Sion takes a sip of his coffee and exhales into her hair.
He can’t believe Megumi’s already almost eight when it feels like only yesterday that she couldn’t even lift her gigantic baby head. Literally, her head was in the ninety-ninth percentile and both him and Tsuchiko thought it was the funniest thing ever. And then she’d just want to spend all day in Sion’s arms while he read to her, and she never cried all that much either, and Megumi has always been both a very hungry baby and a very affectionate one, and Sion can still remember when-
His mind threatens to wander off in a nostalgia-driven haze but then Riku prods him in the side. “Sion, you have to eat too.” He holds up a piece of pancake between his chopsticks. “C’mon, take a little bite.”
Sion blinks out of his memories and has to duck when Riku presses in closer and closer. “I’m trying to lose weight,” Sion complains as he pats his gut. He’s not really all that big but it’s hard not to have a complex when everyone he hangs out with is child-less and fit because their metabolisms are still working at rapid fire. And yet, for some reason, those words make Riku’s expression turn devastated.
“No! Don’t lose weight!” Riku picks up even more pancake and holds it up to Sion’s mouth. “Come on! You’ll burn it off at work!” Lord, he’s crazy.
Sion balks. “Why are you-” Riku is being ridiculous and he’s always ridiculous whenever Sion brings up weight loss. But his boyfriend is insistent and the pancakes look pretty good, to tell you the truth. Suddenly Sion feels like he’s in an incredible amount of danger.
“Please?” Riku’s bottom lip juts out and god, he’s way too cute. “Sion-san, please? Just a little bit? For me?”
Well, Sion caves immediately. But that can’t be surprising to anyone, least of all himself.
He sighs a petulant little thing and accepts the food into his mouth, but that’s because he can’t put up a fight whenever Riku makes that face. “You’re always trying to fatten me up…” Sion tries to chew angrily but he'd be lying if he said the pancakes didn’t taste miles better than the bullshit he normally eats from the convenience store.
“I’m not fattening you up,” Riku lies with a very innocent smile as he makes Sion take one more bite, and then another. “Good. Open wide!”
It’d be better if he didn’t, but alas, Oh Sion is a very weak man. He sighs and obliges. Maybe he can try again next week…
Sion lingers for as long as he can, but eventually duty calls. “Okay, Appa’s gotta work.” He has to deny both Riku and Megumi trying to feed him at once because god forbid his boyfriend doesn’t influence his kid into being a little menace, too. Sion hauls Megumi off of his lap and winces at the pull in his knees as he rises to his feet. “Don’t cause any trouble, okay? Both of you.”
He dips down to press a kiss to Megumi’s forehead. “I’ll be good,” She chirps. Then he pinches Riku’s cheek and his boyfriend nuzzles into his hand.
“I’m always good…” Riku sounds a little too coy when he says it, though.
Somehow Sion can’t help but doubt both of them. But he still smiles and tells them: “Just try your best.” And when they nod back: “Okay, good.”
He can hardly complain even though the two of them are his little troublemakers. Sion just, like, genuinely has the time of his life waking up to this and trudging off to work everyday because it settles his weird patriarchal male hindbrain that wants to provide for his family or whatever the fuck it is. And yeah, Riku’s doing the harder work by child-wrangling all day, sure. But it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?
So Sion whistles as he braves the twenty minutes to the ryokan, walking inside with a very noticeable pep in his step. Yui even tries: “Sion-kun, how are you-”
Sion just waves her off. “Morning, Yui!”
Yup, it’s really like he’s on cloud nine; tomorrow the arrival of his family will be popping this tranquil bubble of domestic paradise, so Sion wants to revel in it for as long as possible. But maybe he needs to learn a bit more about time and place or whatever because he unfortunately shares a space with Tokuno Yushi, and Yushi has been in a bit of a Mood as of late.
It’s bad. Sion knows he’s being way too obvious when he strolls into the office and Yushi’s expression turns displeased the second they make eye contact. “Hyung, I’m happy for you, but you need to stop rubbing it in,” Yushi grouches as he glances back at his computer. “You walk in here everyday like you just got the best lay of your life…”
It’s hard for Sion not to laugh when Yushi is being so damn pouty. “Aw, don’t be jealous.” He picks up the clipboard that normally has his daily tasks laid out and his eyes scan Yushi’s scrawl. “One day, you’ll also get to-”
He cuts himself off when he glances back at Yushi’s face and the kid looks like he’s seconds away from strangling him. “Hyung, shut up.”
“Sorry,” Sion grins. “I’ll go get working, heh…”
And so, mostly for his own safety, Sion gets started on his to-do list. Yushi probably needs a bit of a pep talk but that’s fine because he can be dealt with later. It’s just easier to focus on work until Sion’s able to corner him into a heart to heart; he has the next two weeks off, as Sakuya is helping with the ryokan while Sion spends some quality time with his family, so they’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk outside of work over the next few weeks. Besides, having Siyeon with them will make it impossible for Yushi to go around moping everywhere (and also she’ll make it impossible for either of them to feel any peace at all), so there’s no way to avoid a little hyung-aegi therapy session. It can be like the good old days when the three of them would go running around Gwangju with their pocket change and a staunch craving for egg tarts…
And, well, the thought’s a little funny. It’s been a decade since they were last all in the same country and it’s about time that they all got the shenanigans out of their system.
Really, as nervous as Sion is, he’s mostly excited for his family’s arrival. His parents have never been to Japan before but Sion’s figured out a whole itinerary for them. He already knows they’re gonna get a kick out of the ryokan; he told his dad about the onsen a few weeks back and his poor workaholic of a father keeps calling him about how excited he is for the hot springs. And then Yushi’s family will be around to entertain them, and Sion’s gonna cook a lot to give his mom a break from the kitchen, plus Megumi’s gonna get some much needed bonding time…
These next few weeks will be very stressful but it’ll be worth it, he thinks. Or, well, he hopes. He just needs to survive the bullshit and that’s fine - if there’s one thing Oh Sion is good at, it’s surviving his own bullshit.
So Sion cleans out some bathrooms, his gloved arm elbow-deep in a toilet, and stays focused on that feeling of excitement. He should keep thinking about the important things, like spending time with his family. There’s a very good reason he decided all those years ago to forgive and forget, right? Sometimes the resentment just naturally rises to the surface but he can’t let that get to him now, like, for Megumi’s sake. He’s the one who chose the selfless thing, so he needs to accept the fate he wrote for himself…
It’ll be fine. Sion spends his morning cleaning and then he and Yushi head out to get ramen for lunch. “It’s my treat,” his stubborn, pestering dongsaeng insists.
Normally Sion would fight him on that but he’s feeling agreeable today. So he only says, “alright, you win,” and off to Takeda’s they go.
There isn’t much conversation between them as he and Yushi walk into town and into the only ramen spot at their disposal. Takeda greets them. “The usual?” When they affirm, he smiles. “Ah, boys, sit. Get comfortable!” Which, of course, they oblige.
Immediately Yushi’s serving himself some tea. Even besides the grumpiness he’s seemed way more stressed than usual, and while Sion wants to ask him about it, he’s feeling a little cautious about pushing too hard on Yushi’s buttons. Sion has a feeling that it has less to do with the ryokan - which has been doing the best it’s ever done under Yushi’s care - and more to do with personal matters, maybe. Like his thing with Daeyoung. They’ve been spending a ton of time together and Sion’s just got a sinking suspicion…
“So…” Sion takes a long sip of tea and sends Yushi a smile. “What have you been up to lately?”
Yushi just blinks back at him. “You see me everyday.” His tone is even more petulant than usual; that means he already knows Sion’s about to get very nosy. They’ve been best friends for way too fucking long and can both smell this kind of shit coming from a million miles away.
And, well, if anyone has the right to be nosy, it may as well be him. So Sion pivots and sends him a Look instead, one of a very disappointed hyung, which roughly has a fifty-fifty success rate on a petulant brat like Tokuno Yushi. “Yuu-chan, c’mon,” Sion tries. “I know something’s going on with you. Since when did you hide things from me?”
Yushi bristles. “Well. You’ve been busy with Riku.”
For a brief second Sion feels successfully guilt tripped. But then he watches Yushi scratch at his neck and avoid his eyes, which means… oh, so he’s doing that on purpose. “Now, you know that isn’t true,” Sion takes another sip. “You’re my first baby. Tell me your troubles.”
Sion knows if he were anyone else there’s no way that would work, but Yushi’s expression softens as he looks down at his hands in his lap. And then eventually he sighs something long and pained. Sion tries not to needle at him but sometimes the long pauses really do drive him just a little bit insane…
Tell me, he thinks. I’m gonna die from anticipation. What idiotic thing did you do to Daeyoung, you idiot boy.
But eventually Yushi seems to be done dragging his feet, because his shoulders slump and his eyes fix somewhere down to the ground. “Ugh. I dunno. Things with Daeyoung have been weird…”
Bingo. Sion could’ve seen this coming, like, six months ago. His smile grows. “What’s going on with Daeyoung?”
He’s trying not to be too pushy because he understands that Yushi is generally pretty cagey about his dating life and also always, always, always possessive over the person he’s interested in. But still, this is different. Yushi shrugs in a way that’s probably supposed to seem nonchalant but his pout is only growing. “I dunno. It just feels like maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. He keeps turning down my invites…”
Sion blinks. Wow, even for Yushi this is a little insane. His petulance only grows, his shoulders slumped so low they may as well be resting on the table, and Sion already knows he somehow did this to himself. Yushi’s just got this habit where he tries to beam his feelings into someone’s brain without actually talking about them, is the thing, and Sion’s lectured him about it over and over again. And yet he never seems to learn his lesson, does he?
That’s what it is, right? It has to be that. Daeyoung is a very outgoing, sweet kid, but around Yushi he sometimes turns a little skittish and Sion’s seen this happen before. But this time, he swears for the sake of their friend group as a whole, I’m gonna jam common sense into that brain.
So Sion tries to keep his voice very patient as he explains for maybe the millionth time ever: “Well, Yuu-chan, do you think it’s maybe because you’re having casual sex with him?” And when Yushi only stares back at him, Sion clarifies: “He doesn’t know you like him because you’ve only been having sex.”
Yushi blinks very, very slowly. “But we haven’t,” he says. “I take him on so many dates…”
Sion can feel his patience wane just a tiny bit. “Well, have you ever actually told Daeyoung that you like him?” He’s trying to be gentle but all of this is a given to ninety percent of people. “It’s not really romantic, you know, the things you two have been doing. It makes it seem like you just want him to be your fuck buddy.”
At least that seems to spur on some movement in Yushi’s brain, at least. His mouth opens like he wants to refute that, but then he closes it again because of course Sion is right. “I… well.”
Sion smiles. He lets Yushi stew in that thought for a second because Takeda’s coming over to set their bowls down in front of them. The old man is more cheery than usual. “Fill up, boys!”
Sion bows for the both of them and Takeda only smiles, ruffling Yushi’s hair as he goes because he’s beloved in this town and everyone’s used to his Yushisms. And yet Yushi himself just stares down at his food, and then back up at Sion.
“I have to tell him?” Yushi sounds genuinely horrified, which isn’t surprising but still equally ridiculous. “I- I don’t want to do that.”
It’s not unusual for Yushi to drag his feet over these things but that just means he always has the same exact issues whenever he’s genuinely interested in someone. “Then you just have to suffer,” Sion doesn’t mince his words as he slurps up his ramen because the reason their friendship works so well is that they never coddle each other. “For the love of god, Yushi, just ask him to be your boyfriend.”
But that only stuns Yushi even more. “But- but I-I don’t have time to have a boyfriend.” Which is, of course, a lie.
“That’s bullshit,” Sion chomps down on a mushroom. “You’re twenty-eight, that’s too old to be so scared of commitment. So if you like him as more than a fuck buddy, you have to date him.”
And okay, sure, maybe that’s very hypocritical advice for Sion to be giving. But he’s a divorcee so at least he has a real excuse to be scared of settling down. Yushi and Daeyoung have been going on their little “dates” since even before Riku asked him out and it’s about time Yushi gets his act together if he expects Daeyoung to stick around in the long term. They’re not in college anymore - he has to use his words like an adult.
Yushi’s pout deepens. He must realize he’s being an idiot, too. “I dunno…” His ears are red as he picks through his ramen.
“Yeah, well, I do,” Sion tells him. “I know you. You’ll be happier once you lay your claim on him or whatever it is you like to do to people.”
Even Yushi knows that Sion’s right about that. His face pinkens and his bottom lip juts out as he piles fish cakes onto his spoon. “I… you’re so annoying.”
“I’m your hyung, I have to be annoying,” Sion says. But that’s really only because he knows he’s won and Yushi’s accepted his advice. “Come on, we can figure it out together. We’re gonna open your heart up.”
They take a slightly longer lunch break than usual because it’s been forever since they’ve gotten to sit down and just talk. Yushi’s been busy with the ryokan but quite honestly he’s always busy with the ryokan; Sion’s the one who has been focused on his love life, so the lack of hyung-aegi time is unusual for them. Sion can’t help but feel a little bad, you know, just to an extent. There’s always been a good deal of codependency between them and he also knows that Yushi doesn’t have any friends besides him. Sion worries a lot about that though he couldn’t tell you a single point in his life that this kid hasn’t made him worry.
Yushi’s pretty resilient but it’s in both good and bad ways. He has trouble asking for help but he will if he needs to; Yushi will also suffer silence if he thinks he needs to, which means Sion is the one who has to claw his way into his head and help him sort his thoughts out.
Though, okay, well. Maybe Sion also babies him too much. That might be true, too.
“I’m doing just fine,” Yushi scarves down some food and levels him with a stern look. “There’s a bunch of Americans in town on vacation so I’m busy. Just focus on you, hyung, I don’t need to get all...” He waves his hand around, vaguely, which could mean anything.
Sion pouts a little bit. “But you never tell me when you need help.”
“I do,” Yushi insists anyway. “You’re the one who worries too much.”
And, well. Maybe he’s got a point there. Yushi is twenty-eight and these days he’s a lot less needy than he was in middle school. He’s an adult now, one who has managed to run a successful business pretty much on his own, though the extent to which Yushi has become so successful is actually kind of funny in retrospect. The ryokan is the town’s most lucrative prospect and people murmur about the quiet, mysterious man behind it…
And yet Yushi is the same as ever. Seriously, the bowl cut hasn’t changed in twenty years.
“Then why can’t you date,” Sion grouches a little in lieu of having anything real to complain about. “You’re successful, you can make the time! Plus, you’re like, so into Daeyoung!”
Yushi picks at his food. “Maybe.” But then he looks back at Sion and his gaze is sharp. “Well, then, what about you? Since when did you have an open heart?”
And okay, yeah. They both know each other way too well if Yushi can turn this back on him so easily; Sion smiles sheepishly at being caught. Some habits are hard to kick, hypocritically giving out relationship advice probably being the worst of it. Sion scratches at his neck. “Well, I’ve gotten better about it. Things with Riku are good and I think Gumi’s settling in more…”
Yushi takes a slurp of his broth. “Are things actually good? Or are you still being hard on yourself?”
Sion bristles. He knows Yushi’s only asking because he has the tendency to repress his feelings, but still, on instinct it makes his skin crawl to be seen through so easily. “No, they’re-” Sion exhales. “Everything’s really good.” Though then he thinks for a second, his finger tapping on the table, and thinks he should maybe be a little more honest. Sion’s voice lowers and he admits, only because it’s Yushi he’s talking to: “Or, well, you know. Things are so good that I’m kind of freaked out about it.”
It’s not fair. Yushi’s smile is wry like he isn’t surprised at all. “Of course you are. The only time you aren’t freaked out is when you’re being delusional.”
And, well. Well, okay, maybe that’s true. But Yushi still could’ve said that in a nicer way. Sion’s got mixed feelings about the place he’s at right now on an emotional level, because on one hand this is the most at-peace he’s felt in years, and on the other he’s been hanging onto his fear for so, so long. He can’t help it. Sion’s convinced the paranoia keeps him grounded and that will never change because when he’s not afraid he is too overeager, too impulsive, too much of an idiot. He couldn’t have let himself jump into things with Riku without keeping that in mind, right? But even then Riku wormed his way into the center of both his and Megumi’s lives and Sion hardly has any doubt to stave off anymore. He feels so settled and the part of him that second-guesses everything has gone silent.
The fact that there’s so little doubt scares him. Sion doesn’t know what to do without that voice always telling him he needs to do more, work harder, put himself last. The possibility of the unknown still feels like too big of a risk for him to be taking. But still, Sion is trying to be better.
“So you…” Sion licks his lips. “You don’t think I’m being delusional, huh.”
Yushi shakes his head. At least there’s that. “Not about Riku, no. You’ve actually been-” He cracks a grin. “I’m surprised, hyung. I didn’t know you could be so patient.”
Again, he’s being a little mean. Sion’s ears turn pink. “Being where I’m at before the six month mark isn’t really patient.” And it isn’t, is the thing, because no one in their right mind would already have adopted their boyfriend into their family and yet Sion has because he’s insane.
“I dunno,” Yushi’s smile is a little too all-knowing for his taste. “Hasn’t Riku been good for you? The both of you?”
And, well, he’s got him there. Sion looks away and sighs. “He has.”
That’s the thing he’s having such a hard time grappling with: Riku’s so good that it’s hard to stay rational. A part of Sion is still so impulsive and a part of him would give Riku anything he wanted and a part of him has already done exactly that, asking Riku to sleep over every night just so he doesn’t have to walk home in the dark. And that’d be fine if Sion only had himself to think about but he’s already let Megumi get so hopeful that her Sensei is a permanent fixture in her life. Which, to be fair, maybe Riku is. He already said he would be - Riku’s not scared of the commitment or the responsibility or the fact that Sion is a dad before anything else. If anything, Riku is the best influence Megumi’s ever had.
But still, but still, but still. Sion hesitates only because he knows himself. He trusts his own resolve but he doesn’t know if he trusts Riku’s. Or at least not yet, not all the way. He has a feeling that however the next few weeks go will be very… telling, in some way. Because if Riku can deal with Sion’s family as well as he fears he will, Sion doesn’t know if there will be anything left to hold him back.
So, you know. At least Sion’s self aware. Though you could argue his self awareness is the reason he’s screwed in the first place.
As expected, Yushi just sits there and eats and watches Sion stew. That’s probably why their friendship is still so strong even after all these years; they both like stewing. Sion puts down his chopsticks and makes a little grunting sound to clear his throat because if Yushi’s really going to listen to neuroticism, he may as well be honest.
“I think the thing that freaks me out,” Sion tells him, “is that I’m not being delusional at all.”
Yushi only blinks back at him. He wipes his mouth with a napkin. “You aren’t.”
Sion smiles. It’s tired, a little sardonic. “Yeah, that’s the thing. And Riku is amazing. And, ah, I don’t know…” He sighs, poking at his food with his spoon. The oil of the tonkotsu broth dances across the surface of his ramen and he can only stare, not even sure what it is that he wants to say.
But:
“Riku is good for you,” Yushi reminds him again. “And he’s a good influence on both of you. You know that.”
Sion chuckles despite himself because it’s true - Riku’s probably a much better influence on Megumi than he is. “Right. Gumi always picks up my bad habits so having him around is keeping her level, so I don’t know if-”
“Well, no, that’s not what I’m saying,” Yushi tells him point-blank. “But she sees how you treat yourself, hyung. And she needs someone in her life who can show her how to be selfish.”
Sion bristles immediately. “I also-” He’s defensive on principle, is the thing, because he’s been doing this alone for so long and he doesn’t need anyone’s help. But Yushi’s right; Megumi’s only ever had him and Sion has only ever been selfless and self-sacrificial and willing to throw himself under the bus for anyone who needed him to.
That used to feel like a point of pride for him, but now the notion kind of rings hollow. Sion doesn’t do that because he’s a good person, does he, he just doesn’t know any different. That’s a depressing thought.
“It’s not that you’re a bad influence,” Yushi says slowly as if he has to explain something very basic to a complete idiot, “but Riku is kind of naive. Don’t you think? He’s sensitive and passionate and sometimes he’s a little insane…”
Sion looks down at his food. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
“But you’re too focused on doing the right thing,” Yushi pokes at him. “Riku doesn’t care about the right thing. He follows his heart.” And then, after a brief second so he can down another sip of tea, Yushi only levels him with a more pointed stare: “It’s not that you’re not good enough, hyung, ‘cause you’re an upstanding citizen. But Megumi needs someone who isn’t always upstanding.”
Fuck. Fuck, somehow he’s right. And that- somehow this only complicates his thoughts even more. Sion glances up at Yushi and his face is still so, so tired: “Well. She really needs to be upstanding, you know.”
Yushi smiles back at him and it’s way too much of a smug little smirk. “But more than that, she needs to do what makes her happy. Right, hyung?”
Sion is so annoyed that Yushi is right that he doesn’t even know what to say. This isn’t any kind of poignant revelation, either, but it’s stupid because Sion’s realizing now that he’s only a bad influence on his kid because he’s so shit at self care and he likes to spiral into anxiety and he’s always faking a mask. It’s annoying. Sion knows how observant Megumi is, of course he does, she reads everyone around her closely and soaks up everything she learns like a goddamn sponge. But Sion’s always been very secretive around her for that reason; he’s always been so afraid because Megumi is studying him more than she studies anyone.
But Riku’s kind of shameless and that is- it’s contagious, that optimism. Sion wouldn’t call Riku selfish. But Riku always knows exactly what he wants, and he always goes for it, and Sion is quite literally the opposite. Megumi needs someone in her life who can teach her how to be brave like that. Sion doesn’t think that person is him - he’s always going to take the most rational approach to every decision he makes - because Megumi is a very deeply-feeling kid in a way that he never was and never will be. She sees the world in a way that he can’t, she is sensitive in a way he isn’t, she needs not a mother but someone who will tell her to forget the right thing to do and just follow her heart.
Riku is definitely a much better role model than he is, huh? That doesn’t make him feel great, to be honest.
Normally being told something like this would make Sion spiral into some kind of visceral self loathing, but now he can only sigh. He hadn’t meant for this conversation to get too deep into his feelings but he supposes there’s no one else he’d be this honest with. “You’re right. Riku’s a lot better at self love than I am…” Sion takes a defeated sip of tea and closes his eyes. “I guess this is why kids usually do better when they have two parents.”
Sion says it in a voice like he’s amused even though the thought isn’t funny at all, of course, because the plight of his life is the fact that he is often helpless in raising her alone. And he doesn’t even resent Tsuchiko that much for leaving him - or for leaving both of them, really - because Sion’s always figured he’d know how to do the right thing and raise Megumi into a good person. But now that he has help, it just feels so-
It feels like Riku could fill that void. And that, too, scares him shitless. It scares him so deeply that he can’t even entertain the thought. But it feels like a growing inevitability and Sion doesn’t know what to do about that.
“Well. Now she kinda has two parents,” Yushi says in a careful voice. And when Sion sends him an admonished look: “Come on, hyung, you guys are raising her together.”
God, that’s true, and that’s not a good thing. Sion runs a hand down his face because he wants to deny it but he literally can’t. “But I- I didn’t mean to do that. I don’t think I’ve been careful enough.” He really hasn’t been careful enough, has he? Megumi has adopted Riku into a role she is too young to understand the weight of and Sion shouldn’t’ve- he shouldn’t have let that happen. He should’ve known better.
But Yushi sends him a look right back. “You can’t get more careful than you’ve been, though,” he points out. Which is maybe true. “This is the most careful I’ve seen you be with anything. Isn’t it a good thing that Riku’s helping you?”
Sion sucks in a breath. “But it’s still- it’s not right, you know? It’s only been six months. And I already- with her mom-”
“This is the happiest I’ve seen you, like, ever,” Yushi argues. “In Mokpo you were closeted and in college you were barely surviving and with Tsuchiko-”
“But I can’t fuck up again,” Sion says in a low voice, and his tone is almost pleading because for years and years and years Sion has been begging to be happy and to have someone stand where Tsuchiko once did, and it is the most terrifying thing in the entire world that he now does. Sion closes his eyes. “Yushi, I need to know that I won’t ruin her life again.”
It’s just- he’s aware that half of this is his fear talking. Trying to be certain is fucking useless - weren’t he and Tsuchiko certain, once upon a time? - and even beyond that Sion isn’t nearly as stupid nor naive as he was when he was twenty-six. He knows himself better. He knows that his gut instinct is usually the right one because his rationality has always helped him wade through the bullshit. But still, he- he needs to know that Riku is a certainty. He doesn’t know how he’ll survive if he isn’t. Megumi’s life can’t be uprooted again and if Riku were to abandon her, Sion won’t know what to do with himself if he’s the reason Megumi’s had another parent leave.
But Yushi just shakes his head. “I think you- you aren’t even seeing yourself. You’ve never walked around with this goofy grin, hyung. Not even when you were with Tsuchiko.” His foot very gently pokes at Sion’s shin under the table. “Megumi is happy because you’re happy. You have to realize that, right. Neither of you were like this before.”
Sion’s hands rub at his forehead. “But if Riku makes her happy and we break up, then I’ll be ruining her life. And I should’ve-”
Yushi just shakes his head and this time his poke is much more of a kick right to Sion’s calf. And then, delivering the most devastating news of Sion’s entire life, his best friend says: “Hyung, that’s not it. Megumi’s not this happy because of Riku, it’s because of you.”
And, well. For some reason Yushi says it like it’s a given. And that is- Sion is confused. And a little flabbergasted. “What do you mean?” He feels like he’s asking a question he knows the answer to already, but still. Something in his mind spins and spins and spins and-
“Gumi was scared because you were scared,” Yushi tells him right to his face. “She doesn’t care that Tsuchiko left because she had you. When that kid sees you smile-” He jabs a finger into Sion’s hand “-she’s happy. Because when you’re happy, she has nothing to be afraid of.”
You can always leave it to Yushi to better psychoanalyze his own kid than he can. And sure, it’s a little funny in retrospect because this should feel like a very obvious thing for Sion to have realized. Didn’t they have that talk only last month? Megumi kept saying that she wanted him to be happy, but she’s only seven, so Sion had assumed she was just being sweet. But he thinks about it - like, really thinks about it - and he realizes that Yushi is right.
Sensei makes you smile, his Megumi said. Sensei won’t leave like Mama left.
It’s not like his world is ending or anything, but this is kind of a very heartbreaking realization for Sion to have in a ramen shop of all places. It just feels like something he’s been in denial about for seven years because he’s never had any choice but to be the person Megumi relies on. If I work harder, she’ll be happy. If I keep things stable, she’ll be happy. If I love her more than anything, more than myself, I can make up for everything I will never be able to give her. Those are the kinds of things Sion had told himself after the court battle ended and he and Megumi flew back to Mokpo. She had just turned four, she was still small, she had just seen her mother for the last time and it didn’t even make her cry.
Sion had stared out the plane window and stroked over her hair. If I don’t love myself, I can love her as much as two people would. I really need to love her as much as two people would.
But it’s been almost four years since then and Sion is so exhausted of putting himself last and pretending he needs nothing of his own and he’s so, so, so tired of playing pretend. He knows that Megumi feeds off of his mood but she also watches him closely. She sees the effect Riku has on him so she, too, wants him to stay. And that’s- what the fuck does Sion do now that he knows this? Isn’t that why she doesn’t want Riku to leave? Not just because he’s good to her, but because he’s good to both of them? Megumi hadn’t cried when her mom left; Megumi had not asked her to stay; Megumi crawls into Riku’s lap every night and sighs into his neck, Sensei, you’re the best. I want you to stay with me and Appa forever.
A lot of Sion’s decisions over the past few years have been done with nothing besides Megumi’s happiness in mind but somehow he never figured that his own happiness mattered much at all. But Megumi loves him most, Megumi comes to him first, Megumi looks to him and trusts him and she would do anything he asked because she knows what it’s like to have no one besides him. And yet she wants Riku, too, just as much as Sion does.
He blinks. He- he doesn’t- what does he-
“Forget about the kid for one second,” Yushi says. “Because you know what you want, hyung.”
This is terrible, this thing that he now knows, and Sion’s voice is tiny as something wet grows at the edges of his vision. “I can’t do that. She’s the most important thing in my…” He feels so, so, so fucking stupid all at once. “I didn’t realize.”
Yushi’s expression softens. “Well, when was the last time she wasn’t afraid of being away from you?”
Never, Sion’s mind supplies for him immediately, which is true. Megumi has always needed him within reach more than she’s needed anything and that’s what’s crazy about all of this. That’s why Riku is so important, because Megumi clings to him too. But was that because she was afraid, or was it because Sion was? Was it really because she could smell the fear on him? But Sion tried so hard to hide it from her, he tried so hard that he was willing to forget that he had any desire at all. And that is even worse, he realizes, the fact that all this time Megumi has been able to read him as well as he can read her.
All at once, Sion deflates. “That’s-” He can put that aside for a second, Megumi’s feelings, and all he knows is how much he wants Riku to be with him forever. It’s a terrifying thought but it’s also true, it’s the one true thing he knows. And then Sion brings Megumi back into the picture and none of that changes. How is that even possible?
“You and her are two peas in a pod. If you let Riku into her life, she’ll love him. And if you deny yourself, she picks up on it.” Yushi’s voice is flat but then he smiles. “Gumi’s kinda like a dog. She has you all figured out.”
Sion ignores that, the comparison of his daughter to a dog, but that’s only because it’s true and it kind of freaks him out that Megumi doesn’t fall for his mask like everyone else does. “Yeah, and- and no matter how patient I try to be, this thing always ends up happening.” Sion runs his hands down his face and wipes at his tears before they can fall. “God, I’m a terrible father...”
Yushi clicks his tongue. “That’s not what I mean. You have to stop trying to be certain of things, hyung. Give up control like everyone else does.”
This is so- this is so bad, like, all around. “Well, I can’t risk anything. She’s seven, Yushi. If Riku leaves it’ll traumatize her and Riku doesn’t-” Sion wipes at his eyes again, hard enough to make spots dance in his vision. “He doesn’t even know what I’m asking from him and he still wants to do it.”
He presses at his eyes and he just wishes he knew what the right thing to do was. Sion is aware that Yushi’s right and he’s too deep in to even be worrying like this - hell, backpedaling now would probably be worse than just having faith - but still. Sion values the control he has over every facet of his life and Riku is something he has no control over. Riku is good, but at one point he could also not be.
Tsuchiko was good and then she wasn’t. Tsuchiko had loved Megumi before she didn’t. And then she-
“Well, you trust him. Right?” Yushi takes a sip of tea. “And don’t lie. I already know that you want him to be your husband.” He’s teasing but of course it’s not really a joke at all.
Fucking hell. Yushi’s right and that’s honestly even more humiliating than any revelation Sion could have about his psyche or Megumi’s psyche, for that matter. Deep down Sion has already decided that Riku is it for him. And Riku, too, wants the same. And he just… it’s so much for him to accept. He’s wanted nothing for so long but he wants Riku so badly that the idea of not having him makes his heart want to just, like, shrivel up and die.
Sion has worked very, very hard in the time since his divorce. He’s worked hard at every job and he’s always gone through the long, cuddly process of putting Megumi to bed and he has sighed in relief every time he’s able to get her to school on time. He’s so tired. He’s so ridiculously tired that some days he doesn’t want to get out of bed but he still has to, anyway, because his kid needs him more than he needs himself. But then on some days he will wake up and Riku is sleeping next to him and he’s warm, and he’s soft, and he’s steady. And Riku’s eyes will blink open and the first thing he does when he sees Sion’s face is smile. Hi, you. Did you sleep well?
The idea of not having that makes Sion’s stomach lurch. He needs him now that he’s experienced an affection like this. Sion really needs him. The only time he’s able to rest is when Riku holds him and it’s just- Sion feels so guilty about that because he shouldn’t want anything at all, but he needs him.
“God, I… I’m so happy when he’s around,” Sion mumbles. He feels very ashamed of himself even as he says it. “And when the school year ends, I want to introduce him to Gumi properly, I think… as my boyfriend. Or maybe that’s a bad idea. I don’t know.”
Sion’s insecure because he has every right to be insecure, and so he watches Yushi’s face very closely as if looking for just a tiny hint of disapproval. But Yushi only blinks. “Of course you will. And then you’re gonna be with him forever, right?”
God, he’s so- Yushi can read him too well. Sion looks away with red ears, feeling a lot like he’s been caught even though he was already aware that Yushi can see right through him. “Well, I- I’d like to. I want him to stick around forever and be my husband...” Sion closes his eyes. “Hypothetically, I mean.”
“Yeah. Everyone knows that.” Sion seriously hates this kid, sometimes, how much of a know-it-all he is. But Yushi smiles at him from across the table. “And you can’t deny your feelings ‘cause otherwise you’re manifesting everything going to shit.”
Again, he could’ve said that more nicely, but Sion just hangs his head. “Yeah. Nothing bad’s gonna happen and Riku’s gonna get along with my family. And if we get found out, I…” Sion swallows, and a truth even deeper than what he’s been able to admit to himself presses at him. “It’s bad. I don’t think I’d do the selfless thing anymore, Yushi. If it came down to it, I’d choose him.”
Sion says it like this is a moral failure, like he is the worst son in the world - he doesn’t think he can go back in the closet and keep pretending that one day, maybe, he will again settle down with a nice girl to have more kids with. And he feels like it is a failure, maybe his biggest failure, because he was the one who decided ten years ago that he was going to let bygones be bygones. But Yushi only nods, maybe even in approval.
“Well,” he says. “That’s good, hyung.”
Sion wants to argue on principle even though he knows better. “But it isn’t.” He may not always know what the right thing to do is, but he always knows the smart, upstanding, peace-keeping thing. “If I- if I did that, then Megumi would- they’d-”
“She’d have a happy dad who chose his happiness over appeasing his homophobic parents. And then she’d grow up being loved regardless.” Yushi takes a pointed bite out of a bamboo shoot. “Look, hyung, you can be selfless all you want. But Gumi isn’t asking you to do that. If you gave up on Riku because of your parents, I don’t think that’d actually be good for her.”
God. Sion deflates again. He hates that he’s being told all of this to his face. There’s a long list of reasons why Sion has been so much happier here than compared to Mokpo and the distance from his childhood accounts for, like, half of them. If his parents really pushed back on anything, he’d cut them off. Sion already knows that no matter how much he harps on himself to do the right thing, whatever the hell that is, he won’t let Megumi be raised like he was. He refuses.
But still, he… Sion can’t even justify a rebuttal and in a lot of ways that’s a good thing. His hands rub down his face and it feels like both defeat and acceptance. “Fuck. You’re right.”
“I am. But it’s a hypothetical anyway,” Yushi reminds him. “You’re dating Riku, you know. His poker face is better than yours.”
And, well, that’s true. Sion sighs. “I know. I’m pretty sure my parents are gonna love him…” No, he knows they will. It’s been ages since he’s had any close friends besides Yushi, and his parents, at least, are good at prioritizing Megumi above their issues with Sion’s decision-making. Riku’s good with her and that’s gonna be obvious to them…
And that’s good, he knows. If they love Riku that’s a really good thing. But it’s also bad if they like him too much, because they’re nosy and very soon everyone in Sion’s family will hear about his “handsome friend,” which is a nightmare scenario. It’s better than the alternatives, sure, but this is going to be very stressful either way.
“I’ll talk him up to your mom,” Yushi offers with his own conniving little grin. Though he cackles a little when Sion kicks at him in response. “Hey, Kuu-chan’s charm transcends language.”
“Yeah, I know…” Sion’s a little exasperated but he still manages a smile. And then: “Oi, why do you have a cute nickname for him?”
Yushi shrugs. “There’s nothing stopping you from coming up with one.”
Ugh. He’s right about that too. Sion wishes he wasn’t jealous on principle but that’s never going to happen because he is insane. He looks away with a petulant little shrug because he can’t imagine a name any better than ‘Riku’ on its own. “Well, I don’t know. I think his name is already perfect as it is…”
Yushi makes a face at that. “You’re so gross.”
It’s dumb. It’s been so many years of hardship and exhaustion and denial but Riku really makes him feel so fond that it, like, hurts. And so Sion smiles and wipes at his eyes. “Wow. I really am, aren’t I?”
At least that’s the end of the deep talks; they return to work very soon after that. Yushi’s talked some sense into him and Sion still has some chores left to do at the ryokan anyway. So it’s all fine, he thinks. Yushi was right, Sion has to stop letting his resentment rule his life when obviously Riku is the best thing to happen to him in- in forever. And maybe that’s easier said than done but Sion knows how to compartmentalize. He just needs to be more grateful instead of stewing in his resentment, right? How hard can that be?
So Sion runs through the rest of his afternoon while trying not to think too hard, double checking the usual pipes that cause him the most problems before typing up instructions for Sakuya to follow when he comes in. Sion will need to be the one to do any real maintenance work if an actual issue comes up, but basic upkeep should be doable for a teenager. Or at least he hopes it is.
“Leave,” Yushi tells him when he’s done. “You’re done. Go home to your boyfriend.”
Sion balks. “It’s only three!”
But Yushi waves him off like he couldn’t care less. “Hyung, there is a man waiting for you at home. And you want to go back to the toilets?” He grins when Sion’s face falls. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just go.”
So without any kind of real rebuttal, Sion goes home. He picks up gyudon on his way because his fridge is packed with ingredients his mom demanded he get along with the strict order to not touch any of it. And Sion’s listening to his Eomma, you know, because he’s still a little scared of her backhand.
“I’m home!” He calls when he gets back. Megumi, who’s sprawled out on the floor in front of the TV, waves.
“Welcome back, Appa.” She’s obviously much more sleepy than usual because she doesn’t launch herself at him.
“Hi, baby.” Sion slips off his shoes and sets the bag of food down on the kotatsu. Then he swoops down to give Megumi a peck on the forehead. “Where’s your Sensei?”
“Napping,” Megumi slings her arm around his neck in a hug. “We just got back. Sensei said me and Maku wiped him out…”
Sion chuckles. Somehow he doesn’t doubt that. “Okay, I’ll check on him. You’ll be good, right?”
“Yup.” Megumi’s not convincing in the least. But alas, Sion’s got a boyfriend to check on.
He moves the food to the fridge, having to wriggle things around to make it fit. Then he makes sure that Megumi’s not gonna get up to anything behind his back - she’s dozing off so it seems unlikely - and then he pads down the hallway to his own room. The door’s been left open but Riku is asleep and sprawled out in bed. Sion closes the door behind him.
He approaches the bed and rests a hand on Riku’s back. “Hi, kitty. You wiped out?”
Riku stirs after a bit of nudging. He blinks up at Sion with a sleepy smile. “Oh, hi…”
Sion chuckles. Then he retreats only so he can get changed out of his work uniform - Riku would kill him if he brought these dirty-ass clothes anywhere near the bed. He pulls his shirt off and watches Riku keep sleepily blink at him. “How were the kids?” Sion knows Riku’s been picking Maku up in the mornings so Tsugumi can have some time to study, but he’s not sure where they’ve been running off to.
But Riku is just staring. “They were good…” His eyes are blatantly roving all over Sion’s chest, too. Of course they are.
Sion changes into sweatpants. “Uh-huh.” And then, after rummaging around for a clean shirt, he sets it on the bed as he sits down on the edge of his mattress. He tries smoothing it out to no avail - the neckline’s fucked. So he sends Riku a look. “And were you good, kitty?”
Riku rolls over to him and two shameless palms roam over his stomach as Riku squeezes his waist. “Yeah…”
“I don’t believe you.” Sion twists around and leans down to kiss him even as a very persistent hand gropes at his pec. “You’re being pretty naughty right now.”
Riku’s face presses into his back. “‘M not.” He gropes him again.
Sion catches his wrist, grinning. “Seriously, stop perving on me and come here.”
And, well. At least Riku listens this time. He snakes himself around Sion’s side and plops into his lap. Like this, Riku is taller than him; Sion can’t help his smile as he cranes his neck up. “Hi, baby.”
“Hi.” Riku dips down to kiss him and nose into his cheek. “You’re back early.” His hands loop around Sion’s neck as he squeezes him into a hug. God, he’s so cute like this. Sion is aware how lucky he is to come home to this man and he’s not going to be stupid about that.
He steadies a hand on Riku’s waist and tells him: “Yushi told me to go home and spend time with you. So I left early to hang out with you and Gumi...”
That makes Riku grin into his skin. “He did?”
“Yeah.” Sion turns his head just enough to kiss him. “C’mere.”
Riku’s lips meet his. He seems more than happy to indulge, making pleased little noises when Sion’s arms tighten around him. It’s slow, easy, which is nice. It’s nice to do this without any expectation for more. Because this is- this is Sion’s limit, really, making out in his bed. He licks into Riku’s mouth and his boyfriend lets out a tiny, tiny keen of a mewl.
“Don’t… don’t kiss me like that while you’re shirtless.” Riku pulls away, his breath heavy. His fingers dig into Sion’s back.
Sion laughs, but he lets Riku climb out of his lap regardless. “Why?”
Riku frowns. He picks Sion’s forgotten shirt up and forces it over his head. “You- you know how sexy you are. So stop it.”
To be honest, Sion doesn’t know. But he relents when Riku helps him put on his shirt, albeit very sloppily. “Goodness, Riku, you’re bad at this.”
Riku is rightfully admonished. “I don’t have a kid, do I!” And, well. Fair’s fair.
After that, Riku lets Sion drag him back to the living room so they can keep a proper eye on Megumi. Though they don’t cuddle, not really, or at least not in front of her. The two of them sit side by side and Sion just has his arm strategically laid across the back of the couch and that’s probably not even overt to most people, sure, but Megumi’s seven and Sion’s almost positive that she doesn’t even consider that her Appa might be dating, let alone dating her male teacher.
So, you know. At least they can get away with that much.
Predictably, Megumi is climbing into their laps the second they’re settled. She stretches across their legs and wraps both of her arms around Sion’s waist. “Did you have fun at work, Appa?”
Sion strokes over her hair. “Well, not particularly…” He cracks a smile when she nuzzles into his hand. “Did you have fun with your Sensei?”
“Yup,” Megumi chirps. And as usual, she feels no inclination to elaborate. Riku laces his fingers with Sion’s in the space between them where she can’t see.
“I’ll tell you what we did,” Riku volunteers in lieu of Megumi being much more interested in nuzzling into her Appa’s stomach rather than regaling about her day. It’s not surprising that she’s dozing off almost immediately as Shin-chan drones on in the background and Sion’s hand squeezes Riku’s. “Well, let’s see. First we picked up Ma-kun. And then we decided to go to the community center, and it was fun because right now they have a whole program where you can-”
Megumi is properly worn out, snoozing into him, but it’s not hard to figure out why she’s so exhausted when Riku tells him about their trip to the ice rink. They recently set it up at the community center and apparently damn-near every kid in town was there today. Megumi is unsurprisingly bad at ice skating - she is, after all, severely uncoordinated outside of a soccer field - and Riku had to go onto the ice several times to rescue her. But Sion likes hearing about their day, really, even as Riku tells him he bought the kids lunch and refuses to be reimbursed no matter how much Sion insists on it. “I have money, too,” his boyfriend says.
“But they’re not your kids,” Sion tries. “Come on, Riku, it’s the principle…”
But Riku only huffs at him. “No, they’re my students. So I’m gonna spend money on them.” And really, he can be just as stubborn as Sion is when he wants to be, so that’s that.
It’s nice, though, to just sit there and talk. The downtime they have together is always nice since they’re both kind of introverted and prefer keeping their days unexciting. Sion’s left hand settles over Riku’s nape; his right hand settles over Megumi’s back; he feels the rhythm of her breaths. It’s so nice when it’s just the three of them. They’re like their own little family…
It’s then when a familiar pang of guilt rings in his chest, though that’s nothing unusual. Sion never even got this kind of thing with Tsuchiko, did he? But he thinks back to what Yushi said earlier and indeed, Riku is just so, so, so good. Sion never imagined he’d bring anyone into the bubble he has with his kid and yet here the three of them are, huh.
And, well. Riku knows he’s good, too. He rubs his cheek onto Sion’s shoulder and settles snug into his side. Riku’s looking up at him and his eyes are… god, he’s so cute. Sion’s softening almost instantly. “Hey, you.”
“Hi,” Riku smiles. He cranes his head up. “Kiss?”
Sion wants to indulge, of course, but first he smiles. He squeezes Riku’s nape, teasing. “I dunno. Were you good today?”
“Yes…” Riku, once again, stretches his neck for a kiss. And when Sion holds back for a second too long, his bottom lip juts out. “Sion, please.”
Sion chuckles. He feels helpless, actually, over how fond he feels for this man he’s dating. “Okay, baby, sorry.” Then he ducks down and kisses him. “How’s that?”
“I think I need another,” Riku murmurs. And when Sion obliges: “Mm. A lot more, actually…”
Of course Sion gives him exactly what he wants because he always does. They can’t afford to jostle each other around much with Megumi in their laps but Riku’s hand cups Sion’s check as he pecks at him. He presses in closer, kisses him a little harder. “More,” he urges.
“Not too much more,” Sion hums. He licks behind Riku’s teeth and listens to him keen. Then he pulls away. “That’s all you get.”
Riku pouts into his jaw. “But I need you...”
There are the stirrings of something in Sion’s belly. It’s not desire, not really, but it’s something maybe close. “We can do something PG-13 before we go to bed.” His hand strokes down Megumi’s back. “I don’t want to traumatize her if she wakes up and we’re kissing…”
Riku grins. “You want to mess around in your bed?”
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘mess around.’ But sure.” Sion squeezes his nape. “We just can’t stay up too late. Siyeon and my parents land around noon tomorrow, so we have to get up early. But I’ll feed you breakfast before you go...”
“‘Kay,” Riku’s voice is light, unperturbed. “I’m excited for you. I think you’ll have a lot of fun with your family in town.” He sounds hopeful about it, which is good, because Sion’s own feelings on the matter swing back and forth by the hour and he’d like to be cautiously optimistic. He’s afraid but he also misses them and surely that’s the more important thing, right?
So, despite himself, Sion smiles. “I think I will, too.”
They cuddle for a little while longer. Sion doesn’t talk much about cleaning toilets but that’s because Riku would have an aneurysm, and so he listens to Riku’s anecdote about Maku being able to skate backwards and all other kinds of silly things that they got up to. Eventually Megumi stirs but it’s only because she’s hungry. Of course it is.
“Appa got you gyudon,” Sion nudges her when she yawns into his stomach. “You wanna eat dinner?” It’s still a little early to be eating but Megumi is always hungry anyway.
“Yeah.” Megumi sits up and pulls at Riku’s hand. “Let’s go eat, Sensei.”
Riku laughs. Sion balks. “What about Appa?”
Megumi only climbs into Riku’s lap and clings. She puts her cheek to his jaw. “Appa’s gonna feed us.” She says it a little like it’s a given, like Sion’s only job is to give them food and that’s all he’s good for. Riku sends an apologetic look Sion’s way and it’s something like sorry, you know she loves you, she’s seven.
“Fine, fine. I see how it is.” Sion gets up and slumps his way into the kitchen. So his kid’s playing favorites now, huh…
But:
“Thank you, Appa!” Megumi calls after him. Sion cracks a smile. Riku’s a good influence on her for sure.
“Of course!” Sion calls back. “Just remember who made you, okay?”
He heats up the food and boils some water on the stove to make tea. Then he sets out everything on the table and calls his babies over. “Oi, sit properly,” he scolds Megumi when she tries climbing into Riku’s lap again. “Gumi, you’re almost eight. You gotta eat alone like a grown-up.”
“Why?” Megumi seems genuinely confused by the idea.
“Because you’re big!” Sion piles food onto her plate and passes her chopsticks over - he’s trying to move her up to normal metal ones now, which is a work in progress. “C’mon. Think about how other kids your age act.”
To her credit, Megumi genuinely pauses and thinks about that one. “I guess.” But then: “Who cares what they do?”
Sion is a little exasperated even though he can’t really be surprised - he raised her to be like this, didn’t he? “But you’re tall like your Appa. And you’re heavy, too…” He pours tea for Riku, and then himself. “Right, Sensei?”
Riku smiles something a little nervous with the attention being turned onto him. “Um. Well.” For someone who calls Sion an enabler so often he sure seems fine with giving in to her every whim.
So Sion ignores his boyfriend - he doesn’t have authority here anyway - and tells his kid: “It’s bad manners, okay?”
Megumi pouts but obliges, crawling out of Riku’s lap. “Fine.”
It doesn’t make much of a difference anyway. She sandwiches herself between them and so the three of them eat like that, hardly even an inch between them. It’s the same as pretty much every other day, honestly speaking, and that’s what makes Sion realize that it’s already been over a week since they last ate a meal without Riku at the table with them. Is Sion enabling too much if he’s the one who always insists that Riku stays? For a second he feels this pressing urge to freak out, but then he remembers Yushi’s scolding, but then Megumi is leaning into Riku’s shoulder and letting out a long, long sigh.
“Sensei…” she nuzzles into his shoulder. “When Halmeoni and Abeoji are here, you should still come over a lot… or else I’m gonna miss you…”
Riku chuckles and smooths over Megumi’s mess of hair. “I will. But just focus on being good for your grandparents, baby, okay?”
Megumi’s pout deepens. She wraps her arms around Riku’s bicep. “Okay…”
Sion softens. Well, he has no idea if it’s bad for Megumi to already be acting like this, but really, she’s not any worse with Riku than he is. Sion doesn’t know if he feels more guilty or proud that Riku is the reason she’s been so happy these past few months, but still, he wants to have faith. He needs to have faith.
So Sion inhales; he exhales. He smiles. “We’ll make sure Sensei still comes over. But eat first, baby, your gyudon’s gonna get cold.”
Megumi leans into him next and the drawl of her voice only echoes: “‘Kay, Appa.”
So they eat and dinner is nice as it always is. And then they decide to walk over to the convenience store for dessert and that’s nice, too. Megumi swings their arms back and forth, their hands in hers, and this is probably the jolliest she’s ever looked in her life. She and Riku pick out their usual treats, and for the first time maybe ever, Sion gets his own because the conbini has these tiny little chocolate cakes in stock. Riku insists, buying things for all three of them.
“I dunno how good it’s gonna be,” Riku warns him. They end up at the park, each of them in their own swing.
“No, it’s- it’s fine.” Sion smiles down at the cake in his lap, his legs so long that his feet have no choice but to drag in the mulch. He looks over at Riku and tells him, as he always does: “Thank you for thinking of me.”
Riku downs half a package of jelly and tells him honestly: “I’m always thinking of you.”
It’s not fair. It’s not fair because it’s true and Sion doesn’t think he’s ever dated anyone who’s given him so much thought. His cheeks burn red and he smiles down at the ground. It’s so embarrassing that he’s thirty-four and this is the first time someone has treated him so gently, right?
But even then, Sion can’t stop smiling. He just can’t.
They go home after the sun sets. Dusk chases them down sparsely-lit rural roads and they run back into the house before the chill gets to them. They wash their hands; they wipe their mouths; they pile back onto the couch and Megumi crawls into Sion’s lap, throwing her arms around his neck and sleepily sighing into his collarbone.
“I think you’re ready for bed, huh,” Sion pats her back and presses a kiss to her head. “Say goodnight to your Sensei, Princess.”
“G’nite,” Megumi yawns as she unpeels herself from Sion’s chest. She blows Riku a kiss, who blows one back.
“Good night, baby,” he waves at her with a smile. “Sleep well.”
Sion puts Megumi to bed. As usual, she goes down easily, though she still tries to get Sion to cuddle her to sleep and it takes a good deal of restraint to not give in. Maybe a year ago he would’ve caved. Or even six months ago. But Riku is right in that she’s finally learning some confidence in herself and figuring out how to gain some independence…
Sion sighs. He squeezes her into a hug. “We’re gonna have a sleepover when your grandparents are here, okay? Halmeoni and Abeoji will be in my bed, so Appa needs somewhere to sleep.”
“We can fit in my futon,” Megumi nuzzles into him. “It’s gonna be a lot of fun.”
Sion kisses her on the forehead. “It will, huh? Sleep tight, Gumi.”
Once Megumi has dozed off, he sneaks out of her room and slides the door shut behind him. Back in the living room Riku is curled up on the couch, scrolling around on his phone. He looks up when Sion approaches him and offers out a hand.
“My parents are gonna drive me crazy tomorrow,” Sion smiles, in a mood where he’s willing to be a little more honest than usual. “Come lay with me in bed so I can feel hope, please.”
Riku grins up at him. He takes his hand. “Of course.”
They slip off to bed. Riku goes pant-less while wearing Sion’s shirt and Sion, in return, ignores the very tempting curve of his thighs. He pulls on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and sighs, relieved, when they settle into bed and Riku slides into his arms.
It’s just nice. Maybe Sion’s selfish by encouraging this most nights. Or, well, he definitely is. But school’s out right now and Riku doesn’t have to be Megumi’s teacher for at least another week; he’s just Sion’s boyfriend and that’s quite nice. The winter break isn’t long but at least they get this time together before December comes to a close. The year’s about to end but it still feels like he first strolled into Riku’s classroom with a terrified daughter in his arms only yesterday…
Riku nuzzles into Sion’s neck, half sprawled on top of him. “You’re sexy when you get all contemplative.”
That makes Sion huff out a laugh. “You think so?”
“Yeah,” Riku hums. “‘Cause it’s better than when you get all down on yourself.” His hands run up Sion’s arms and settle on his shoulders. Riku sniffs him. “And you’re- you smell so sexy, too.“ He’s really so much weirder than he first seems, isn’t he?
“You’re relentless.” Sion complains but doesn’t push him away when Riku takes in a deep inhale of his- is that his ear? Sion can’t help but laugh. “Kitty, what are you doing?”
“I’m smelling you,” Riku is honest, at least. His face digs into Sion’s neck and he is ridiculous and by far the stranger one out of the two of them. Riku exhales a deep, deep breath. “You-“ Then, abruptly, he pulls away after only a second. “Um. Actually, never mind.”
Sion blinks down at him. Riku leans away from him so quickly that he’s confused about what’s going on; in the dark he can’t see much. “What?”
It’s so weird. He can tell Riku’s trying to avoid his eyes because he squirms. “It’s- I- don’t make me say it.”
Now Sion’s really confused. “What are you talking about?”
Maybe he’s an idiot. No, he’s definitely an idiot. He doesn’t realize quite what he’s missing until Riku’s arms loop around his neck and he presses down over top of him. And slowly - very slowly - Sion can feel something hard dig into his hip. And that’s-
Oh. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Now he gets it.
“I’m sorry,” Riku mumbles. He hides in Sion’s shoulder and he sounds genuinely embarrassed. “You’re just really… um…”
Sion feels faint. Just a little bit. He can’t believe this is real. “There’s- there’s no way. You- just from-”
“You can just ignore it, don’t make fun of me,” Riku whines. “Or I can, um. I can go take care of it, maybe…”
Sion stills. He doesn’t know what he’s even thinking anymore because his mind is completely empty, every nerve ending in his body zeroed in on Riku’s hard-on digging into his hip. It’s a little strange, the fact that he feels so… he feels calm. Or relatively calm, at least. For almost four years now he’s given little to no thought to sex. And whenever he did, the idea kind of icked him out because the concept of being intimate with anyone after what he went through would be too vulnerable. It’d be like ripping his chest open and offering them his heart. It’s still too soon for Sion to even consider offering his heart up ever again.
But Riku is… just from this? Sion doesn’t exactly hate it. But he’s not sure if he- he just doesn’t know.
So Sion swallows. He rests a hand on the small of Riku’s back and it may or may not be trembling. He’s not sure what to say; he’s not sure what he wants. He only breathes: “Well. Um.”
“I can go to the bathroom,” Riku offers quickly even as Sion’s grip on him tightens. “I can- don’t even worry about it, I’ll-”
“No, I- I wouldn’t mind if you… if you, here. Uh, yeah.” Sion says it without thinking. But he doesn’t hate the idea once it’s been voiced out loud. As long as he doesn’t… he doesn’t need to be touched, right?
Riku stares at him. Even in the low lights of Sion’s bedroom you can faintly see the whites of his eyes because he looks shocked. “Here?”
“Sure. And I’ll just…” Sion can still feel Riku’s dick pressing into the divot of his thigh and it’s hard to think anything normal because he has not encountered another penis in… oh god, he doesn’t even want to do that math. It’s been over a decade. So Sion can only offer, his voice sounding distant even in his own ears: “You can use my thigh. If you want?”
This is insane, he knows, so it’s only apt that for a second Riku says nothing, still staring. But then his arms tighten around Sion’s neck and he leans in, once again close enough for them to breathe the same air. “I can ride your thigh? Are you sure?” Riku’s voice is tiny.
For some reason he sounds so meek when Sion’s the one with the intimacy trauma. That’s- it’s kind of funny. If he wasn’t so repressed this situation would be so fucking funny. But Oh Sion is thirty-four and a single dad who can count the amount of times his own hand has touched his dick in the past four years on literally three fingers.
Which is… well, you know. This just makes this whole thing kind of intimidating. But hopefully not in a bad way.
So:
“Yeah.” Sion’s still not really thinking but that doesn’t mean he isn’t sure about the offer anyway. “As long as you don’t touch my dick, I can-” His hands tighten on Riku’s hips and pull him in closer, closer, closer.
“Oh, god,” Riku whispers. He hides his face in Sion’s neck and exhales out a whine as Sion very, very slowly lets him grind down onto his thigh. Riku’s hips shift back; he presses down harder, a little more purposefully. His voice is still incredulous. “Is it really- can I really-?”
Sion’s hands slide down to Riku’s ass. He feels unsurprisingly out of his depth here, but even so, he angles his mouth to say at Riku’s ear: “Yes, baby. You- you can use me.”
Riku moans a very quiet moan. He- he really grinds down on Sion, the movement seeming much more certain this time around given the deliberate roll of his hips. “‘M sorry,” he keens. “You’re just so- I get really- you make me-”
“It’s okay, kitty,” Sion licks his lips because his mouth’s gone dry. “You can- I want you to feel good. I want to take care of you, Riku.”
Riku’s mewl is much more guttural when Sion’s hands slide under his briefs and squeeze at his ass. He’s- wow. His ass isn’t, like, huge. But it’s round and it’s firm and it’s cute, somehow, of all things. Sion palms at him again and again, his mouth once again going dry. He’s not really turned on himself but moreso hypnotized by Riku clinging onto him, rubbing into his thigh, moaning into his ear…
“S-Sion-san,” Riku breathes. “It feels so-” He keens when Sion squeezes at him harder; Riku clings onto him even tighter. “It feels so good.”
“Y-you really like this, baby?” Sion sounds very uncertain of himself but he asks anyway because the firmer his grip gets, the more noises Riku makes. And his little whines are… they’re so cute. Fuck.
“I love it… I- I’m so…” Riku groans. “You’re so sexy, ‘m gonna die…”
That makes Sion inhale a very deep breath. He massages at his boyfriend’s hip and tells him: “You’re not gonna die, baby, I’m right here with you.”
“Oh my- oh my god.” Riku whines as Sion squeezes at his ass, probably hard enough to sting. And then, for some reason, he asks: “Can I ask you something r-really perverted?”
Sion barely even blinks, looking down at him. Riku’s still hiding in his neck. A part of him wants to be suspicious but mostly he’s just curious because Riku already got hard just from sniffing him. “Like what?”
And no, Sion’s not sure what to expect. But after a long, long second, Riku peeks him at him and he asks in the tiniest voice ever: “...Can I call you ‘daddy’?”
For several seconds Sion’s mind is blank. This is already a lot to process at once and yet Riku keeps throwing curveballs at him. But then he- is that all Riku wants? It’s not that crazy, right…? Or is he the crazy one here…?
Sion licks his lips. “That’s what you want?”
He doesn’t mean for it to sound so judgemental. “It’s not ‘cause you’re a dad,” Riku murmurs. He presses down against him, his hips rolling slowly but still with purpose. “But you make me feel so- so good. And I just- it’s like-”
And, well. Sion gets it. Or at least he thinks he does. He knows about the DILF thing and Riku’s general preferences so it’s not really all that surprising anyway. But a little wearily, Sion still has to make sure: “But you’re not gonna call me ‘Appa,’ right?”
Riku whines. “Why do you think I’m, like, an actual pervert.”
“Well, you are,” Sion points out only because it’s true. “You got hard from smelling me and now-”
“That- that’s not nice!” Riku pulls away to act all admonished even though he shouldn’t be, really. “It’s only a sex thing! It has nothing to do with any of that-!”
Sion chuckles. He has only meant to tease, really. He presses a kiss to Riku’s forehead and drags him in close again. “I was just joking. You can call me anything my kid doesn’t.”
It’s a little funny. Even in the dark he can see Riku’s pout. “Really?”
“Yes,” Sion tells him. His fingers dig back into the meat of Riku’s ass. “You want me to be your daddy, baby? I’d love to be your daddy.”
That makes Riku relax back into his neck. “O-okay…” He’s trying to act nonchalant about it, for some reason, but Sion can feel Riku's cock chub up even more against his thigh. Riku inhales him again; he moans on his exhale. “Daddy…”
Fuck. If he’s gonna say it in that voice, Sion can see the appeal now. Hearing that needy tone is definitely doing something for him. “Yes, baby?” Sion coos in his ear. Riku shivers against him. Fuck, he’s so cute.
“It feels so- so good,” Riku moans. “You’re so strong and- y-you feel so big…”
Sion can’t help but wonder if Riku’s using his imagination here because in a lot of ways their size difference is negligible. But even still, there is the slightest difference in their thighs, that much is true. Sion can’t help his smile. “Really? You like feeling small, honey?”
“Yeah,” Riku breathes. “Daddy, I want you to make me t-take it…”
God. Sion can’t believe someone with such an innocent face can say such dirty things, though in retrospect he’s realizing that Riku’s been like this since day one. He’s still soft but he can feel the very distant pangs of arousal echo in his belly, something like that. “Is that what you want, Princess?” Sion asks low in his ear. “You want Daddy to help you?”
“Please?” Riku asks. It’s almost a plea. And, well, if he’s being so fucking polite about it then Sion doesn’t have much of a choice here.
He isn’t really… “horny” isn’t the right word. Sion isn’t horny even as he says: “Of course, kitty, Daddy’s here.” He’s more transfixed than anything as Riku moans into his skin, his hips shaking as they grind down onto Sion’s thigh. “You’re so good,” Sion breathes. He licks his lips again. “Riku, honey, you’re perfect.”
Riku moans. He moans over and over and over again and if Sion were a better man maybe he’d have more mind for his kid in the next room over. But listening to him make those noises is addicting; Riku’s just so sweet. Sion stays soft but he enjoys this anyway, groping his boyfriend and guiding his hips and telling him what a good boy he is.
“Wanna- wanna be good for you,” Riku whines. “It feels-” he groans. “Daddy, you make me feel so insane…”
Sion helps him grind his hips harder, harder, harder. ”I do?”
“Yeah… you smell so… and you look so…” Riku moans into his neck. “You’re so warm, Daddy, ‘m gonna melt.”
Sion feels oddly touched by the things Riku is saying during sex, of all times. He’s had a lot of sex in his life that was far more deranged than this and yet Riku’s sweet, honest praise is making him feel raw and very vulnerable and a little torn open. Sion’s voice is a whisper. “You’re not gonna melt, honey, Daddy’s got you…”
“Thank you, Daddy,” Riku whines again and again. “Thank you…”
Sion’s not even doing much, just guiding Riku down on him as his boyfriend mewls out his pleasure. It’s nice. Something about this feels oddly innocent. Riku reacts to every touch like Sion’s mere existence riles him up and that, too, is a little mind-boggling to him.
“‘M close,” Riku moans. Or maybe he’s begging. “Daddy, can I-?”
“You wanna come, kitty?” Sion sucks in a breath when that earns him a nod and a breathless mewl. “You can come. Come on, you can- show Daddy how good it feels.”
Talking dirty after years of being abstinent feels so awkward. But Riku still moans out and grinds down even harder: “I-I love it so much, I need to-”
Sion’s grip tightens on him. “Come, baby, you can-” He bites back a groan when Riku humps down on him because that’s just so- Riku is so cute. Holy shit. Sion might actually die.
“S-so close,” Riku breathes. “I-I’m gonna-”
“Good boy. Just keep- yeah, ride Daddy j-just like that.” Sion’s not even hard but somehow the idea of making Riku come is making his head go fuzzy. “Y-you’re so cute, honey, come all over- all over me, baby-”
Riku mewls. “I-” He whines. “I’m gonna-”
“Baby,” Sion groans. “You can- Princess, please.”
Somehow him saying please is what finally works and it’s just- it’s insane. Riku sniffles and he’s grinding down once, twice, three times, and then he shakes so hard that his release is unmistakable. “Daddy,” he cries.
Holy shit.
There’s something slightly damp soaking into Sion’s sweats. What the fuck. He feels almost lightheaded as Riku twitches against him and moans into his neck like- like it just feels so good to have just only ridden Sion’s thigh. What the fuck. So that’s what Riku’s like when he comes? He gets all sensitive and shaky and cute? Honestly Sion could die happy now that he at least has this one experience under his belt, his own participation in the matter be damned. Nothing sexier than this could ever happen to him anyway.
It’s just impossible for things to get any hotter than that was. Sion didn’t know sex could make him feel as keyed up as that did, and it suddenly feels like he’s spent the past ten years of his life missing out on endless opportunities to know Riku, to kiss Riku, to touch him. He just- it’s insane.
“Wow…” Riku breathes like that was something arduous he had to recover from. And in that way, Sion doesn’t know to to be offended or flattered.
“Um. Did you enjoy that…?” He would like to not be awkward right now but Sion’s been celibate going on four years and this feels like something out of a dream. The last time he even got himself off was…
Well. The numbers are a little embarrassing since for most of Megumi’s life they’ve shared a bed. So he’s opting not to think about that one.
“It was good…” Riku’s still kind of rubbing against his thigh but with a shudder he comes to a stop. He inhales Sion’s collarbone again. “You’re really… you’re so sexy…”
Sion’s weary now that he knows to what extent his boyfriend can be turned on by seemingly very inane things. He pats down Riku’s back. “Don’t rile yourself up again.”
Riku rolls off of him. His voice is petulant. “I won’t.”
Sitting in the afterglow isn’t terrible, to tell you the truth. Riku slots back into his side and parts of their clothes are a little damp but that’s… that’s fine. They breathe together for a while and that’s nice because Sion can’t parse through a single thought in his mind right now. It’s both very loud and silent all at once and nothing coherent comes out of him either way.
“I won’t make it a habit,” Riku tells him. “‘Cause I know you’re still… um.”
He trails off. For a second Sion wants to tell him that it’s fine but then he’s realizing how fast his heart is beating, how the trembling in his hands has risen into a shake. Riku must’ve realized before he did. Sion exhales and he can only say, at least being honest: “I didn’t hate it.”
But even still, he appreciates how Riku smiles into his shoulder and promises anyway: “I’ll still work on my self control. Don’t worry.”
It’s nice. At least Sion’s feeling calmer than he thought he would be, though he doesn’t know how he feels about the fact that he stayed soft that entire time. Surely that’s not, like, a premonition. Though he doesn’t think it is. Sion’s an out of sight, out of mind kind of person about most things and so sex has just been… it’s been whatever. But now it feels like somewhat of an inevitability and he thinks with Riku it could be really, really good. Or, well, maybe. Sion’s stomach still clenches at the thought of baring himself like that, offering his heart up and everything. So. You know…
Sion turns only to his side and searches in the dark for what he’s sure is Riku’s hand. “Every now and again is okay as long as I don’t have to… it still feels weird. To be touched, I mean.” Sion says it like he’s confused but voicing it aloud makes him feel more sure. He wouldn’t mind doing that again, just not, like, all the time.
But Riku leans up to kiss his jaw. “It’s okay. I prefer cuddling anyway.” He slots himself closer into Sion’s side and lays an arm across his waist. “I’ll wait for you, Sion. I’m very patient.”
And, well. That makes Sion snort. “No you aren’t.”
Riku huffs, though you can tell he’s a little embarrassed because he hides his face again. “Well, maybe you still have more to learn about me!” But it’s funny, the indignation over something so dumb, so they end up laughing into each other’s mouths. This really isn’t so bad.
“It’s okay,” Sion kisses him. “I still appreciate it anyway, baby.”
He can hear the smile in Riku’s voice. “You’re lucky you’re handsome. ‘Cause you’re so mean to me.” But then he snuggles in closer, closer, closer anyway. So they’re both hypocrites, huh.
It’s weird, the aftermath of something he’s been so intimidated by for so many years. Sion feels surprisingly settled even though his body had felt uncertain on some level. But now Riku noses into his shoulder and he just feels… he feels so calm. The coming weeks will bring on a storm for both of them but Sion feels oddly prepared to take it all on. Riku will be with him through it all, won’t he? That makes him feel brave. That’s a first. These days Sion is feeling braver and he feels like he’s finally getting to the point where he doesn’t need to always be afraid. Has he ever felt like that before?
Not since he was ten years old, maybe, before he had ever known he was queer. Or maybe not since he was an infant and he was dipped in the pool in the back of the church, given the name “Sion,” told that he was a holy boy from a holy place. It’s been so long either way and Sion wants to be brave, is the thing. He really, really does.
Before they nod off, Riku yawns into his bicep. “I think… I think you’re my favorite person to ever exist…”
It’s not really any kind of poignant confession, but Sion closes his eyes and lets those words seep into his skin. They’re close, almost too close, to something too real. An admittance, maybe. A big one.
“Am I?” Sion doesn’t sound insecure, rather curious. He’s curious if Riku would ever say those words to him, the ones he is so afraid of.
But a hand squeezes his. “You are,” Riku says. “More than anyone.” And, well.
It’s hard to tell what Riku’s thinking now that they’re in the brief moment of calm before drifting off to sleep - normally he’s more obvious than this, usually he’s so obvious that it’s overwhelming. But if he means what Sion thinks he means, then that’s… it’s something he wants. For the first time he can feel the urge to say it, the real thing, those three words he has been running from ever since Tsuchiko left him. And that’s-
Sion blinks. He’s not afraid of the idea, which is insane. One day he thinks he’d like to hear Riku say those words; one day he thinks he’d be happy to say them back. Normally the past is always nipping at his heels but tonight it is only the past, because Riku likes him and Riku is his boyfriend and maybe one day Riku might even love him in the way that Sion, so very secretly, has always wanted to be loved.
So Sion just holds Riku in a little tighter and he tells him: “You’re my favorite, too. Except, you know, for Gumi.” And then he drifts off to Riku’s chuckle and a kiss to his jaw and he’s not afraid at all.
“Yeah,” Riku’s voice is sleepy. “Gumi’s the best, too.”
˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖
The next morning admittedly ends up being pretty chaotic with everything they have going on. Sion sleeps through his first alarm - that’s not a big setback but still very annoying - and he has to speed through making breakfast for Megumi and Riku himself with only an hour before they have to leave for the airport.
“I can get out of your hair and just eat at home,” Riku even tries offering. “Don’t worry about me, so-”
“Nonsense.” Sion forces him to sit down at the dining table. “You’re in my house, I’m feeding you.”
He can’t exactly go through the labor of making a whole batch of pancakes with the time crunch so he makes do with an impressively quick omurice. Thank god it turns out well. There are days where Megumi will randomly spring new egg texture preferences on him, but today she only takes a bite and declares: “It’s yummy!”
That’s good. Sion eats with them and smiles when Riku pours him some coffee. “Thank you.” There is the pressing urge to add a petname onto the end of that but thankfully he resists.
“You’re welcome,” Riku leans into his side with a grin. God, he’s so great.
Unfortunately they have to eat quickly. Megumi has to be prodded a bit, but luckily it doesn’t take much to get her to listen in the mornings. They make sure the house is presentable and everything’s in order and then the two of them part ways with Riku at the car.
“Be good for your grandparents, baby, okay?” Riku squeezes Megumi into a hug, heaving her up into his arms and nuzzling their cheeks together. “We’ll hang out this weekend, too!”
“I’m gonna miss you, Sensei…” Megumi pouts into his jaw. “Don’t leave…”
Riku grins. “Ah, don’t be sad. I’ll see you soon!”
Sion buckles Megumi into her booster seat and pulls Riku to an angle outside the car where she can’t possibly see them. The road is empty; he brings Riku in close and admits: “I’m gonna miss you, too.”
Riku’s arms squeeze around his waist. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna get as clingy as Gumi…”
Sion’s bottom lip juts out because, yeah, he could be a lot worse than his kid if he only let himself. He misses Riku when he’s not around and maybe that’s a little codependent of him but Sion is codependent by nature. He kisses his forehead and sighs. “Maybe I am. What are you gonna do about it?”
Riku grins. He leans up to nose into Sion’s cheek. “Maybe you can sneak out at one point…”
Sion smiles back. He cups Riku’s face in both hands and gives him a firm kiss. “I think I’m gonna have to. I’m gonna need to see your pretty face.”
Riku's ears turn pink but he melts into Sion’s hands regardless. “It’s like you’re obsessed with me or something.”
Sion grins into another kiss. “I was hoping you couldn’t tell.”
Eventually he lets Riku go, but not until after a long, long hug. Sion squeezes Riku’s hand before he trails away with a smile. Riku chides him: “Don’t frown, Appa. I’ll see you soon!”
Sion sighs. After a week of Riku staying with them he’s gotten a little too used to the domesticity. “Okay. See you, baby…” Though he smiles when Riku blows him one last kiss.
Yeah, really, he wants to be so much worse about Riku than Megumi is. But alas.
Sion gets into the car and ignores the petulant little look on his kid’s face. “What took so long?” God, she’s so fucking nosy that it kills him. Though Sion wouldn’t be surprised if she learned that from him, or even worse, from Siyeon.
“Your Sensei needed help with something,” Sion is thankful, at least, that Megumi is still young enough to not realize he sometimes lies about little things she’s too small to know better about. Dissuading a teenaged Megumi will be fucking impossible if this is how she already is, but again, Sion will deal with that later.
And yet she looks suspicious as she leans in, stretching out her seatbelt. “What’d he need help with?”
Thankfully Sion has been solo parenting for most of her life, and so the excuse comes out with zero hesitation: “He needed help with tying his shoes. And Appa’s an expert, you know.” Then he pulls up the directions on his phone, plugs in the AUX cord, and switches to a music app to divert her. “What do you want to listen to, honey?”
And Megumi, who predictably gets distracted immediately, of course has her preferences: “Hip-hop.”
Sion smiles. “Okay, okay. We’ll listen to hip-hop.”
It’s not, like, real hip-hop. She likes the kpop-rap concepts and Sion will introduce her to the Western songs when she’s old enough to hear the barrage of “fuck” and “bitch” because unfortunately she has a tendency to memorize lyrics even in other languages and the last thing Sion needs is a kid who will learn English curse words before the English lessons even start in school. But it’s still funny. Megumi bounces and sways in her booster seat to heavy trap beats the same way a kid her age would enjoy pop songs or children’s tunes.
Sion’s gonna need to change genres when his parents get into the car but for now it's fine. And he finds it pretty cute, anyway, so what they don’t know won’t kill them.
The closest airport is down in Osaka so the drive is actually a bit more tedious with navigating the highways early on a weekday. But Megumi is always hyper in the mornings - and she brought a bunch of activities along with her - so all Sion has to do is hum along as she rattles off facts about the Bermuda Triangle, apparently, because for some reason Megumi is absolutely enchanted by conspiracy theories. At least she’ll get it out of her system before his family arrives. Sion’s mom would kill him if she heard the things that her precious baby Megumi is really interested in, so it’s when they’re approaching the airport that Sion reminds her: “Gumi, remember that Halmeoni and Abeoji are… um. Only talk about happy things with them, okay?”
Megumi blinks at him in the rearview mirror. “Happy things,” she repeats. “Like…?”
Sion has to wrack his brain for any age-appropriate things she’s interested in and comes up with… not much. Even her monkey fixation is rather focused on how ruthless they are. So he offers: “What about that anime Ma-kun showed you? Haikyuu?”
“Oh,” Megumi’s face lights up. “Okay! And I’ll tell them about Ma-chan!”
Sion sighs a little bit in relief. “Thank you, honey. You know how your Halmeoni is…” She wants all of her grandkids to be proper and polite and normal, three things which Megumi definitely isn’t.
But Megumi just nods, sending him a thumbs up. “Don’t worry, Appa. I got it.” Bless her heart.
They sit in the waiting zone at the airport for a bit and Sion periodically refreshes KakaoTalk, awaiting any incoming message from Siyeon. He sits up when she tells him they’ve arrived and have to go through customs first. During this time of year it’s a bit chaotic, so…
“Are they here yet?” Megumi asks, a little impatient.
“Almost,” Sion sighs. Though ten minutes later they get the go-ahead to come into the terminal, and so they go.
It takes a bit of weaving and squinting around a sea of white tourists and a lot of East Asians with straight black hair before he spots them at their terminal. Sion pulls over; Siyeon jumps up with a wave.
Megumi sticks her face to the window. “Is that Siyeon Unnie?”
“Yup,” Sion can’t help his grin as he parks and puts his flashers on. And when a hand knocks at his window, he pulls it down and grins. “Hey, you made it!”
Siyeon, despite their relationship being full of bickering and arguing and disagreeing with each other on principle, has tears in her eyes. “Oppa! I missed you!”
The reunion is a bit of a mess, but the good kind of mess. Sion is accosted by his sister the second he steps out of his car, letting her jump at him as he catches her with an “oof.” She’s getting heavier, though he opts not to say that out loud. “Yah, I have to- Gumi’s in the car-” Then he looks around. “Where are mom and dad?”
Siyeon unlatches from him. “Oh, I just- I started running.”
Sion smacks her on the shoulder. “You abandoned our parents at the airport? Siyeon, seriously, do you-”
She flags down their parents while Sion opens the back door and unbuckles Megumi out of her booster seat, then he opens the trunk for good measure. Megumi wriggles out of his arms when Siyeon returns with his two elderly parents in tow. Sion has to remind her: “Don’t- Gumi, gentle!”
But even so, Megumi tearfully runs into her grandmother’s arms. “Halmeoni!”
It’s not surprising that there’s a lot of crying involved. His move to Japan was one that wasn’t necessarily impulsive, but it was a contentious decision. His parents were convinced that he was doing something very stupid. But his mom is beside herself over how big Megumi has gotten and even his dad wipes his eyes.
“Aigo, you look good,” he clasps Sion on the back, and then hugs him. “Wah, Siyeon, look at your brother’s muscles!”
“What are you saying?” Sion’s face is red as his dad laughs, squeezing his bicep.
“You’re in good shape!”
Sion balks. “I’ve always been in good shape!”
But Megumi is in her element, giving everyone a very long, very happy hug. Sion grins when his mom cries into his arm. “You’ve gotten big, too!”
Sion sighs and runs hand down his mom’s back. “Eomma, I haven’t…”
She sniffles. “No, no, I swear you’ve gotten taller…”
Eventually everyone settles down enough for Sion to load the trunk with their suitcases and help them into the car, namely his parents who have bad backs after a lifetime of farm work. Megumi straps in between them in the backseat. She looks happy.
Sion sighs as he slumps back into the driver’s seat. Siyeon settles in next to him. “Woah, we’re on the other side of the road…”
He smiles. “It’s weird, right?” Then Sion types his address back into his GPS and turns his flashers off. “We’ve got a long drive, so just relax.” He levels Siyeon with a look: “Seriously, relax, I’m gonna throw you out of my car if you yell on the highway.”
Sion’s mom reaches up to slap him on the arm. “Don’t say that to your sister!”
But Siyeon cackles. “No, that’s how I know Oppa missed me.” And so, off they go.
It’s almost crazy to be thrust back into his childhood family dynamic after so long of just him and Megumi. As usual Siyeon is a chatterbox - how the hell she ended up so outgoing and he is a hermit is beyond him - and his parents are too busy doting incessantly over Megumi to pay them much mind even as Siyeon goads him into bickering not even five minutes into the drive. It’s hard for Sion to win against her now that they’re both adults; Siyeon’s even more stubborn than he is.
“You can’t- don’t do this to me already,” Sion sighs as she already criticizes his choice of vehicle. “It’s a Subaru! It’s dependable!”
“What do you need a minivan for, there’s only two of you!” Siyeon keeps goading him on anyway.
“You don’t get it, you don’t have a kid,” Sion ignores her. “She has so much stuff.”
Halfway through the ride he gets a call from Yushi, which makes everyone perk up. His parents fucking love Yushi for reasons Sion still doesn’t quite get beyond “he’s cute!” Siyeon picks it up before Sion can even reach for his phone.
“Oppa!” She calls as she puts it on speaker. “Guess who it is!”
There are several seconds of silence in which Sion can only assume Yushi is reprocessing. And then Yushi’s voice goes a little lighter than it usually does. “Ah, Siyeon, you’re already here?” The two of them are the same age, Yushi just a few months older. Siyeon calls him ‘oppa’ to spite Sion and it’s stuck for so, so long…
“We’re on the way back. Are you off work today?” Sion just lets her take over the phone call because he can’t be bothered to fight now.
“I’m never really off, but I’m coming over,” Yushi says. “Is… is hyung there?”
Sion smiles. “Yes, Yuu-chan.”
There’s another few seconds of silence. And then Yushi sounds visibly spooked: “Eugh, now there’s two of you.”
Sion grins. Siyeon laughs. That’s only a given. She tells him: “Come over! We’re almost- um. Where are we?”
“We’re an hour and a half away,” Sion cuts in. “Bring your parents, okay?”
“Okay,” Yushi says simply. “My mom prepared some food.”
Sion can’t help his smile. Wow, there’s going to be a whole party in his house. He’s never had so many people over at once, and if this is going how he thinks it’s going to go, it’s gonna be a mess. Which is probably why Siyeon adds: “Bring soju!”
“We don’t have soju,” Yushi huffs out a laugh. “I have rice wine, though.”
“Sounds good,” Sion says. He says to Siyeon: “You’ll like it.”
She nods as if this seems acceptable to her, though you can still see the petulance shine through because Siyeon, who is just Sion but with long hair, has her own stringent preferences. “Okay, fine.”
As usual, a phone call with Yushi never lasts all that long. He’s quick to flee, citing that he has to “go get ready.” Whatever that means. They’re crossing back over into Kyoto when Sion lets him go. “Don’t rush too much, okay?”
“I won’t,” Yushi says, honest. And then he hangs up.
“Wow,” Siyeon leans back in her seat and smiles. “Yushi Oppa hasn’t changed at all.” She hasn’t seen him since Sion finalized the divorce and he needed help bringing everything back to Mokpo; Yushi had taken time off to stay with him and help with Megumi for a week and it’s still probably the most touching thing anyone has ever done for him in his life.
Sion shakes his head. “No, he’s exactly the same.” Then he smiles. “Did you know he even babysits?”
Siyeon pulls a face. “You let him babysit?”
Sion laughs. He can’t help it. It’s nice, you know, and even though being in a car with his parents and his sister makes his stomach churn with uncomfortably familiar memories, he’s- it’s not so bad. “Ah, he’s more dependable than you think. Though Gumi doesn’t like it if I’m away for too long, so usually it’s not all day…”
Siyeon nods. “You’re dependable as ever, aren’t you, Appa.” Then she grins when he smacks at her. “What? I’m serious.”
It’s funny. Sion grins at the road ahead of him. “Don’t call me Appa, you’re just making fun of me!”
By the time they get back to the house, he’s very worn out from keeping up with Siyeon, like, conversation-wise. Sion passes her the key to the front door and immediately goes to the trunk to get the luggage out.
His mom is the one who says: “Oh, Sion, your place looks nice…”
His dad nods. “You keep it well.”
Sion smiles. “I try my best.” He helps Megumi out of the car. “Baby, go show your Halmeoni and Abeoji around, okay?”
Megumi nods. “Got it!”
There’s not much to show anyway. In the midst of winter the garden is frozen solid and while there’s been flutterings of snow every now and again, everything’s just dead-looking. Sion lugs the bags into the house while Megumi shows her grandparents her bedroom, Sion’s bedroom, the spare room. He fixed the spare room up a bit for Siyeon but the decor is limited only to toys Megumi doesn’t use much and a few of Sion’s old comic collections from high school. He doesn’t have much memorabilia to show off otherwise.
“Ah, your place is nice,” Siyeon slumps down onto the couch immediately as Sion pulls their suitcases to an empty corner in the living room. “Do you have any Korean TV?”
“Yeah, I pay a fortune for it.” Sion picks up the remote and flips through the channels until it lands on SBS. A daytime drama is playing. He grins. “How about this?”
“Get this garbage off of my screen!” Siyeon complains. Sion just laughs and obliges.
In Megumi’s room she’s showing her grandparents every single stuffed animal she owns, and so Sion goes into the kitchen to start on some tea and gather some snacks to eat for lunch. He has a whole barrage of meats he plans on barbequing later for dinner, but for now…
“Come eat,” Sion calls his sister over. He brandishes a plate of kimbap. “I also have some of Gumi’s favorites.”
“Yummy,” Siyeon digs in. Normally they’d wait for their parents but they seem to be having the time of their lives with Megumi entertaining them. “Have you gotten any better at cooking?”
Sion smiles a wry thing, deciding to pretend that that wasn’t an insult in disguise. “I have, actually. And Riku has a friend who is Korean so he makes kimchi and banchan…”
Siyeon pops a kimbap into her mouth and nudges him in the side: “Your boyfriend knows a Korean?” The way she says boyfriend is extremely pointed.
Sion sighs. “At least keep your voice down.”
He’s not even being that strict, but Siyeon smiles sheepishly. “Oh, right, sorry…”
It’s not long before his parents wander back to the kitchen with Megumi leading them all the while. She’s happy to sit down and inhale some kimbap while Sion’s mom inspects the contents of his fridge and his dad, similarly, seems to be hungry. Sion lets Megumi into his lap, but clicks his tongue when his mom scrounges through every drawer of his fridge. “Eomma, don’t think about cooking! Just eat!”
“I just want to make you a few small things,” she stiffens.
“You have to eat first,” Sion insists. “I made food already!”
It takes some convincing but she eventually relents. And she seems to find his food good enough, for once, which Sion is a little proud of himself for. He knows how his mom gets about cooking but he wants this to be a real vacation for his parents. Especially since the farm is apparently doing so well.
“We’re having barbecue tonight,” Sion informs them. “So no cooking. Okay?”
His mom makes an indignant face. “But-”
“Not until tomorrow,” Sion tells her. “Come on, Eomma, you have to rest!”
Another round of bickering threatens to break out but it’s then that they’re interrupted by Yushi, who pokes his head through the front door. “Hello,” he bows automatically. Then he steps inside and his parents follow.
Sion’s mom gets up so fast Sion can hardly believe she’s almost seventy. “Yushi! You’re so handsome!”
Sion’s mom and Yushi’s mom are still, to this day, best friends; of course they have the reunion of a lifetime. Yushi’s cheek gets pinched by several people, Siyeon included. “Wah, Oppa, you still look like a high schooler.”
Yushi scowls. “A high schooler?”
Sion lets them get into it even though Siyeon is right. He smirks when Megumi plants herself in his lap to munch on some Chocorooms and the two of them start bickering incessantly. So these are the familiar callings of home, huh…
Hm. In a way he did kind of miss it, didn’t he? The realization is a little surprising.
Sion isn’t really nostalgic on principle, never mind that he rarely has any reason to be besides the times he flips through Megumi’s baby albums and immediately tears up over every single picture. But this is different. The last time his and Yushi’s families were in the same house he was in college; he was closeted; he was carrying the inevitability of the farm and he was fucking terrified. That was so long ago. Sometimes Sion forgets just how old he is, you know, in the way that it’s been so many years since he last had to listen to everything his parents said. Nowadays he nags back at them. He’s so grown up and Megumi, too, is grown up. It’s just… it’s crazy.
No, Sion really missed it. But he’s also glad for the distance, isn’t he? So he’s just gonna enjoy this while he can.
It’s quite entertaining to see his house be this full of life anyway; Sion’s dad and Yushi’s dad break out the Go board and their moms are busy gossiping on the couch and Yushi and Siyeon just keep nagging at each other as the afternoon drags on. Sion keeps everyone full of tea and snacks. And when it turns to evening, he and Yushi start grilling up the meat. They set the shichirin up on the back porch and have to dispel their parents from trying to help.
“Are you sure you got it?” Sion double checks before they start, only because there are a bunch of hungry adults and a ravenous seven year-old depending on them.
Yushi brandishes fire-proof gloves and a heavy-duty pair of tongs. “Let’s do it.”
So they get to grilling. It’s not that bad - yes, even in the dead of winter - because the fire keeps them warm as they work in tandem together like a familiar, well-oiled machine. Sion and Yushi switch back and forth as they slap down pork belly and various beef cuts and, at Siyeon’s request, intestines onto the shichirin. This is Sion’s first time using it since he purchased the grill from the general store a few months ago and he’s pleased at how well it works.
“Siyeon-ah, take this,” Sion passes some of the meat back through the back door as it finishes cooking. They load on the vegetables next. Siyeon helps fill up the dining table at his request.
“Can we start drinking?” She asks through the door. Her smile turns sheepish when Sion sends her a Look. “Come on, Oppa, when was the last time we drank together?”
Sion wants to deny her request because he doesn’t usually drink in front of Megumi at all, and also he doesn’t like being intoxicated in general in case there’s some kind of emergency with his kid. But for once there are enough adults in the room to keep their eyes on her and drinking did used to be their favorite pastime as a trio…
“Fine,” Sion sighs, though it’s mostly because he can’t deny the fact that he wants to get a little tipsy while he eats meat. “But not until we’re done cooking! It’s a fire hazard!”
“Damn, alright,” Siyeon cracks open a sake bottle and pours herself a cup. And then she calls into the living room: “Appa! You wanna drink?”
Sion can faintly hear his dad call back: “Yes, for the game…” Then he slides the door shut again to keep the warm air from escaping the house. He flips some mushrooms over the grill. It’s kind of embarrassing that both he and Siyeon managed to take after their dad, what with their penchant for drinking and watching every Tiger’s game no matter how often they lose. And considering that Megumi is just Siyeon but mini-sized…
Sion would worry about that if he had more energy, he thinks. But he doesn’t. So.
“Now I’m getting kinda nostalgic,” Yushi murmurs after they work in silence for another few moments. He puts the last round of veggies on the grill. “This is really bringing me back to being, like, fifteen…”
Sion grins. “What, you miss Korea?” And then, only being honest, he nudges Yushi in the side. “I prefer how things are now.”
Yushi’s smiling a small smile. “Well, me too. But your family being here is nice. Now that we’re grown up, it’s not so… it’s not so bad.”
And, well, Sion can agree with him on that. There’s no one trying to stuff them into the closet anymore, there are no nuns at school smacking the backs of their hands with rulers for their bad posture, there are no classmates to run from or parents to hide from or an ever-present God breathing down their necks every time they had to change with the other boys in the locker room. It was around high school when Sion, vaguely disillusioned, had come out to a twelve year-old Yushi. But of course they both ended up just coming out to each other, age difference and life experiences and everything be damned. That’s kind of why Sion’s always been so protective over him, at least. But now they’re adults and Yushi has done so well for himself and he doesn’t need Sion threatening his bullies anymore; these days they’re both much more settled like they’re finally home.
That’s a nice thought, isn’t it? There’s nothing to be scared of anymore and Sion can only hope Yushi feels the same way. The church-fueled indoctrination never really worked on him but given Yushi’s social aptitude he’s always been somewhat of a target. But now…
Sion can’t help his smile as he rests a hand on Yushi’s shoulder and squeezes. “You know what? You’re right. This is nice.”
Soon enough all the food is done cooking and by the time they extinguish the fire in the shichirin, everyone is more than ready to eat. Sion steps back inside and sets the final plate of grilled peppers down on the table, giving Megumi a pat on the head when she stares up at him with wide eyes as if waiting for permission to dig in. He pinches both of her cheeks and leans down to give her a kiss on the forehead. “Is everyone ready to eat?”
“Yes, Appa.” Megumi gives her best attempt at being patient as a chorus of agreement follows from everyone else. So Sion accepts the sake cup Siyeon pushes into his hand and ruffles his kid’s messy mop of hair.
“Then let’s eat!” And the cheer Megumi gives him is loud enough to shake the house. God, she’s really his kid.
All in all it makes for a rather cozy sight when all of his loved ones clamor for the food that he and Yushi slaved over. Sion waits last to fill his plate, standing at the end of the table with Siyeon and knocking back a shot. His and Yushi’s parents got their fill first, and so he steadies a hand on Megumi’s back when she stumbles with a plate in hand. “Aigo, baby, let Appa do it.”
Megumi’s pouts. “But I thought you wanted me to be grown up.” And, well, you can always leave it to Megumi to not give two shits about growing up or any of the “big girl” nonsense only to weaponize it the second Sion annoys her.
“Just this once,” Sion can’t help his smile anyway as he squeezes her nape. It’s hard not to feel particularly doting with their family around, especially since the last thing he needs is his seven year-old causing a mess for his parents. Besides, he can admit that he just enjoys coddling his kid in general.
Megumi pulls a face but as always she relents. “Fine. But you have to give me a lot of beef, Appa.”
Sion sends her a sideways look and takes her plate. “Is that how you ask?”
It’s funny, the switch as her expression turns apologetic and she squeezes into Sion’s side. “Sorry. I mean please give me a lot of beef, Appa…” Megumi pulls the aegyo on him again, her eyes wide and round and pleading.
Sion grins as she rubs her face into his shoulder. “You got it, Gumi-Gumi.”
So Sion, Siyeon, Yushi, and Megumi end up at the kotatsu with full plates and about five bottles of sake. It’s mostly so they can leave their parents with lots of room to sit around and gossip in the dining room - that’s where the main heater is - although Sion’s dad is parked on the couch in preparation for the baseball game that’s due to start any second now. The amount of sake they have on standby is insane and quite frankly very irresponsible, but it’s weaker than the soju they usually drink and Siyeon and Yushi both have the alcohol tolerances of fucking work horses.
Sion’s not feeling very confident in his drinking after only ever indulging in a beer or two in the time he’s moved here. But even so, they cheer “kanpai!” and all down their shots as Megumi chugs her melon soda along with them.
“Are you drunk, Appa?” Megumi asks immediately. She demanded to stay in his lap and Sion let her for the sake of saving room, though now he’s regretting it as she leans up into his face as if to inspect him for drunkenness.
“No, honey…” Sion’s weary, of course, but Megumi hasn’t spent much time around heavy drinkers besides her grandpa, but even then his dad’s chilled on the makgeolli with age. Sion pets over her hair and tells her: “It takes more than one shot to be drunk.”
She only blinks at him. “Then are you gonna be drunk later?”
The two menaces snicker amongst themselves, which Sion ignores because he doesn’t even know how to answer these questions. He feels very out of his depth as he tucks a flyaway bang behind Megumi’s ear and tells her honestly: “Well, probably not.”
He doesn’t have a good feeling about this. Siyeon and Yushi both send him mischievous smiles that scream otherwise - they’re gonna try to get him drunk, aren’t they - but Sion can’t be bothered to try and dissuade them now. Siyeon only reaches out to pinch Megumi’s cheek. “Gumi-yah, your Appa doesn’t drink much, does he?”
Megumi shakes her head. It’s rare that he even lets her see him drink beer.
“It’s ‘cause your Appa’s responsible and me and Yushi Oppa aren’t,” Siyeon grins. “Be like your dad and not like your Unnie, okay?”
Sion huffs a little exasperatedly but even then Megumi nods. “Okay.”
Siyeon grins and ruffles her hair. “Aigo, good girl. You’re such a smart kid.”
The four of them eat and bicker as they keep the alcohol pouring and get their fill of food. It’s good company, that’s for sure. Sion usually has a decent time when it’s just him and Megumi, or when Riku’s with them, but Siyeon’s boisterous energy has been missing from his everyday life for far too long. But then, when Sion helps Megumi with her chopsticks, Siyeon cackles and all the hair on his arm stands up on end because she only laughs like that when she’s about to make fun of him to death.
Siyeon can’t stop laughing: “Oppa, there’s no way you’re teaching her like that!”
“What?” Sion asks. He’s been trying to transition Megumi to normal metal chopsticks since she’s a little too old to keep using trainers. But still, with no class at all, Siyeon points right at Megumi’s grip.
“That is- Eomma!” Siyeon calls back to the dining table with another laugh. “Gumi holds chopsticks like Oppa does! He infected her!”
She’s so- god. Immediately Sion is offended because on what grounds does his sister have the right to humiliate his kid like this? But Megumi only blinks, nonplussed, as Sion’s mom pads over in curiosity.
And as expected, she’s chiding in an instant. “Oh Sion! What have you been teaching her!”
It takes every fiber in Sion’s body not to talk back to his mom out of indignation. Megumi used the trainers just fine but it’s, like, a little true that she holds the adult chopsticks in a tight fist just like Sion does. And okay, maybe that’s a little improper of her. But it’s fine, isn’t it? Sion stares down at her and Megumi stares right back.
“Well…” His voice is distant because if he gets too defensive his mom will smack him. “She can use them fine like this, can’t she?”
Megumi even nods on his behalf, god bless her heart. “This is comfier.”
Though that doesn’t mean Sion’s mom isn’t going to use this opportunity to scold him to hell and back; she went easy on him when he was in a kid, but in classic Korean mother fashion, she tuts over Megumi way more and Sion doesn’t think he likes the gendered implications of that. “She should’ve been learning properly! It’s better manners!”
Even though Sion knows this is maybe kind of his fault, he still can’t help but be a little aghast. “She used the trainers fine! What else is she supposed to do!”
He’s slightly too defensive on Megumi’s behalf, that’s true, but it’s mostly because her motor skills are pretty poor in general and nothing Sion can do will change that. He even talked to Riku about it; her handwriting is similarly atrocious and Riku has posited that any improvement would require sending Megumi to occupational therapy, which obviously isn’t available to them here. And Sion’s parents don’t need to know about that, as in the autism thing. At this age they still think Megumi’s quirks are cute and not indicative of any deeper issues and Sion’s doing everything he possibly can to put off acknowledging the huge, huge, huge elephant in the room.
So when his mom huffs and puffs, Sion just frowns and pets again over Megumi’s messy hair. “She’s learning at her own pace, okay? Gumi’s doing- she’s doing just fine.”
“She’s learning incorrectly,” Siyeon points out. Sion ignores her.
“Gumi’s perfect the way she is,” Sion elects not to entertain any teasing, well-intentioned or not. “Don’t embarrass her over this.”
Megumi is rather unperturbed by all of it, nuzzling into Sion’s cheek when he rubs petulantly at her face because she’s- his daughter is perfect in pretty much every single way he can think of and nobody can change his mind about that, thank you very fucking much. His mom’s face softens and Siyeon bows her head even though Megumi’s hardly paying them any attention. “Okay, okay. Sorry, Gumi.”
As usual, Megumi herself doesn’t seem to be very bothered by their chiding. That’s usually a bad thing - it’d be nice if she were socially aware enough to pick up on people making fun of her - but for now Sion’s choosing to be grateful. “‘S fine.” Megumi pops a piece of steak into her mouth, as unbothered as ever.
“We- we can sort that out later.” Sion’s mom comes in closer to brush through her hair and pinch at her cheek. “Goodness. You’re just like your father. You like doing things your own way, hm?”
Sion’s ears turn a little red. He can’t even defend himself, especially after getting it easy as the eldest son. Siyeon sends him a bit of stink eye across the kotatsu and so Sion, too, bows his head in apology. There’s probably a good reason why Siyeon ended up being the more accomplished one out of the two of them but there’s no need to dwell on that now.
Megumi barely even blinks at their dramatics. And okay, maybe her chopstick skills could use some work because it takes her a good deal of effort to pick up a grain of rice. “Appa’s my role model…”
Normally something that sweet would be very touching but the looks his mom and his sister send him speak volumes. So much for being proud of his parenting, huh.
“Just- Eomma, go eat! Come on, don’t fuss!” Sion pivots to diffusing the situation because he wants to get sake-tipsy in peace and he doesn’t need any more scolding in front of his kid, for god’s sake. “Yuu-chan and I did all that grilling!”
“Don’t drag me into it,” Yushi mumbles into his sake cup. Sion ignores him.
Sion’s mom only sighs, pinching his cheek this time. “Really, she needs a woman’s influence in her life. A father isn’t fit to teach a girl manners like this…”
For a brief, brief second Sion can feel something viscerally angry surge up in him as the usual gendered parenting is pushed onto him again and again and again. That’s because it’s always been just him and he’s never had anyone else to help him and he’s never needed anyone else to do his job, has he? There is no one else in the world, man or woman or otherwise, who Megumi would trust or listen to or look after like she trusts and listens to and looks after Sion and that’s just how it is; he’s Megumi’s father and he cares about her millions and millions and millions times more than anyone else on this entire goddamn Earth ever possibly could. It’s only him.
But then there is the familiar pang of shame and that rings louder, somehow. You’re all she’s ever had, a familiar voice says. But Sion-ah, are you really parenting well enough to give her the love of two people? Have you ever really been enough for her? Are you really doing everything you can for her sake?
No one else clocks it, Sion thinks, but old feelings of guilt rise up in his chest so quickly that he can only hang on his head. He knows more than he knows anything that Megumi has never needed a mom in his place, but still, he- Sion knows his shame. “Sorry, Eomma.”
His mom pads away without any more scolding, though, and the others turn back to their food without any second thought. Sion tries to do the same even though he’s not really feeling hungry anymore. He brings another refill of sake to his lips. This is- it’s fine. Sion should’ve been expecting her to say that. His parents may not push him to get married again - or at least not outright - but he knows how they feel about him being a single dad. Even beyond the shame of Sion’s divorce they believe very strongly in the influence of a mother. As if Megumi, with everything she’s already been through, wants another mom in her life. Just the idea sounds like a fucking catastrophe waiting to happen…
Sion sighs. His parents would prefer to stay in denial and Sion will let them as long as they don’t overstep. Sion can take the nagging but the second that shit reaches his kid, he’s shutting it down. Megumi comes first, right?
Right.
The moment passes after a minute or two. Sion manages a smile when Megumi pats at his face with a napkin. “Appa,” she chides. “You’ve got sauce. How messy…”
Sion’s smile grows. “Do I?” He leans into her hand and exhales again, this time much fonder.
“You do,” Megumi says in her usual no-nonsense voice. “Where are your manners!”
God. She’s such a perfect kid and Sion doesn’t want to hear any criticism of her or his parenting when he’s raised a girl as sweet and caring and unflinchingly herself as his Megumi is. Sion beams and swoops in to give her a kiss on the cheek, sauce and all. He just can’t help it.
But Megumi screeches and tries bolting away even as his arms circle around her waist. “Ew! Don’t get it on me!”
Sion laughs. “Why not? Show your Appa some love!” And really, they’ll be just fine.
Sion’s mood picks back up with his drinks, at least, which probably sounds like a bad thing but in practice is honestly just whatever. Siyeon and Yushi have always been good drinking company and they know what topics to steer away from, thank god, and they know how to get him to laugh instead of stew in any bad feelings when he’s tipsy. Sion doesn’t want to be fully drunk with Megumi in his lap but he gets pleasantly buzzed with the repeated shots they keep his cup filled up with. It’s nice. Sion hasn’t indulged like this in years and that’s an amount of time that has felt like forever. It’s easy to forget that these are the things most people his age spend their time doing rather than, say, solo child-wrangling.
But that’s fine. Sion’s used to having to abstain and dissuade himself from the indulgent things. So he may as well enjoy this while he can, yeah?
“Oppa, your tolerance has gotten so low,” Siyeon cackles when Sion’s face has turned bright red and he’s just tipsy enough to be a little sleepy, smushing his cheek down to the crown of Megumi’s head.
“Well, I’ve got more important things to be doing than getting drunk all the time,” Sion sighs, though he’s feeling more fond than bitter even as he says that. His fingers run through Megumi’s hair. “This one needs someone to entertain her, so…”
Megumi, who’s been staring at the TV since the onset of the KIA Tigers game - which Sion’s dad is now dejectedly grumbling at - only wraps her hands around Sion’s wrists. “I wanna see Appa drunk.”
God, of course she’d say that. Yushi and Siyeon both laugh. Sion only squeezes her in a little closer and presses a kiss to her head. “Absolutely not.”
That’s never going to happen. Or not until Megumi’s way older, at least. Sion knows how closely Megumi watches him and the risk isn’t worth it, god forbid she sees him stumble while drunk and proceeds to hold it over his head for the rest of her life, because that’s something his kid would definitely do.
And yet Megumi still pouts up at him: “Why not?”
Sion smiles something exasperated. It certainly doesn’t help that Megumi’s only experience with the concept of drunkenness is whatever she’s read in a PG-13 book, so she’s a little… she’s a little confused about things. “‘Cause being drunk isn’t a good thing,” Sion tells her. He points at Siyeon, who’s swaying a little bit. “See how funny your Unnie looks? Don’t be like her.”
Siyeon scowls. “Hey.”
Sion just grins, though. “It’s good for her to learn.” He smooths over Megumi’s hair and she nuzzles into him. “See? Appa doesn’t get drunk ‘cause Appa’s got his priorities straight.”
Yushi and Siyeon send him looks but they still have no valid comeback because of course they don’t. Megumi hums. “I see.”
“That’s not fair,” Siyeon complains anyway, though. “You just wanna look good in front of your kid. You used to be irresponsible too, Sion.”
Sion just rolls his eyes and thumbs at Megumi’s earlobe. “Don’t say anything inappropriate."
He’d be alright with Megumi knowing he was a fucking mess in college if she weren’t literally seven, meaning he still really needs her respect and therefore that kind of stuff has to tabled for at least another… er, well. Sion has no idea at what age you start letting things get that real with your kid, so that’s for the Sion of the future to find out. Siyeon pulls a face but at least she relents. “Ugh. Fine.” So then she turns to Yushi. “What’s your gossip, then.”
Yushi is similarly tipsy; with pink cheeks, he cringes. “Me?”
“Who else?” Siyeon asks. She gestures at Sion. “He’s so- he only has boring things going on. I know you get up to shit, Yuu-chan.”
She even dropped the “Oppa” and everything. Sion snickers as Yushi balks. “I- I do not get up to anything.”
“You do!” Siyeon needles at him. “Come on, I know you do!”
Sion’s more amused than anything. He, compared to Yushi, only does very painfully adult things like maintaining a healthy relationship with his boyfriend and looking after his kid and going to work. Siyeon has become very disinterested in Sion’s Riku Updates after realizing that there’s no drama in their little family unit. Sion hasn’t told her any of Yushi’s secrets - Siyeon knows he’s gay, at least - but now she might be able to get one of them to spill…
Yushi, however, just makes a pained face as he glances Megumi’s way. He takes another sip of his drink. “It’s not really age appropriate.”
But naturally that only makes Siyeon even more curious. “Really? Now you have to tell me!”
Yushi grimaces as Siyeon shakes incessantly at his shoulder. “Siyeon, seriously…” He’s always been bad at dissuading her - both Sion and his little sister know better than anyone just how to get under Tokuno Yushi’s skin, after all.
“Tell me!” Siyeon demands anyway. “Come on! We’re like family! You have to tell me your secrets!”
Yushi groans, running a hand down his face. But of course he still relents anyway. He always does.
It’s not anything appropriate for Megumi’s ears, so while Yushi murmurs to Siyeon about his situation with Daeyoung - and Siyeon gasps all the while, of course, because she’s drunk - Sion distracts the kid from eavesdropping. He squeezes Megumi into a hug and they both watch the TV very closely, where it’s the bottom of the seventh and the Tigers are, as usual, five points behind.
“Baseball is kinda boring,” Megumi observes. It’s hard for Sion to even be offended because the hitter gets about seven swings on technicalities and still strikes out. This can’t look like riveting television to a seven year-old, huh.
“It’s more exciting in real life,” Sion tells her, which is… mostly true. It’d be easier to defend his beloved hometown team if they weren’t currently in the bottom five of the KBO. But alas.
However, because his sweet baby Megumi knows nothing of the world of baseball, she tells him innocently: “Maku likes the Dodgers.” And Sion, not sober at all, balks. His Maku? His Maku likes the Dodgers?
“The- the American team?” Sion can’t help but scoff, you know, because it’s all about the principle of the matter. “Well, half of their roster’s Japanese. But we-” He’s also tipsy enough to stumble over his words but not tipsy enough to be unaware of how dumb he sounds. “We’re Korean! And Korean players are good too, you know!”
Megumi only looks up at him, her face disbelieving and all-around extremely unimpressed. “Really?”
“Wh- of course! We have Park Chanho and Ryu Hyunjin and um- there were lots of others, too!” Sion turns and nudges at his dad’s leg. “Appa, tell Gumi how good the Tigers are!”
Sion’s dad just sighs into his beer. “Sion-ah, they haven’t won a title in almost twenty years…”
And of course Sion can only balk at him, too, because how dare his own father be so down about their mutual love for the terrible, awful, never-winning KIA Tigers. “Wh- Appa! How could you! I’m trying to recruit a fan!”
He’s tipsy but still earnest, okay, because if there’s one legacy he wants to pass down his bloodline it’s listlessly cheering for his terrible hometown baseball team. But Sion’s dad sets down his beer to lean forward and pet over Megumi’s head. “Ah, Gumi, our team isn’t very good. But I’ve cheered for them my whole life and so has your dad and your auntie. So we cheer for them no matter what.”
Megumi blinks, thoughtful. “Even though they’re bad?”
Sion huffs. His dad, however, just chuckles. “Yes, even when they’re bad. That’s when we root for them the hardest.”
Across the kotatsu Yushi’s face is bright red as he downs a shot and Siyeon is once again shaking him incessantly by the shoulders. So he really must be telling her everything, huh. Sion smiles and takes another sip of sake. Fighting, Yuu-chan. The rest of the group chatters on, laughing and joking and drinking. It’s quite nice.
Megumi, though, just looks thoughtfully at the TV as the Samsung Lions score what is a soul-crushing homerun. Sion pulls a face when the Gwangju stadium interrupts into groans and the score gap widens. The announcer on KBS sounds less than enthused. “Ah, the Tigers are struggling again today…”
Sion’s dad sighs before getting up and stumbling off to the kitchen. “For god’s sake, just one game…”
Sion similarly doesn’t feel hopeful for this season, as the playoffs are only a few weeks off and at best the Tigers will barely make the cut-off. The KBO may not be as prolific as a league as say, the NPB, but as a Korean Sion would rather die than watch Japanese baseball. Or god forbid, the MLB. Japan loves them some Shohei Ohtani and Sion is a staunch hater, having followed the news about what that man’s been up to in the States. Plus the state of Korean baseball in general is just…
God. It’s enough to make his blood boil, that’s what.
Megumi turns to Sion as the game cuts to commercial and the innings turn over. “The Tigers aren’t very good, Appa.”
And, well. She isn’t wrong about that, as much as Sion hates to admit it. “They aren’t,” he sighs. “But they’re the only team I’m rooting for until I die, so-” Sion downs another shot. “This is our lineage, Gumi. I’m sorry.”
Of course Sion’s mostly joking when he says that, though quite honestly it’s still very true. Megumi stares at him. Then she looks back at the TV. “Then I’ll root for them, too,” she says simply. “Until I die.”
Sion’s just tipsy enough to forget that Megumi is only ever dead-serious about these things. He nuzzles his cheek to her temple. “Aw, really? You wanna root for the Tigers?”
“Yeah,” Megumi nuzzles back. “Let’s cheer for them together, Appa.”
Sion grins. “Okay, let’s do it.”
The rest of the night passes pretty peacefully, all things considered. By the time the game is over and everyone has had their fill of alcohol, the leftovers are easy to pack up for the Tokunos to bring home with them. Megumi falls asleep in Sion’s lap as Siyeon tipsily tells him and Yushi about her dating ventures back home. Sion decides to put his kid down for bed when her head lolls onto his shoulder and she mumbles out: “Sleepy…”
“Go take her to bed, Oppa,” Siyeon waves him off. “We’ll clean everything up, so go get some rest.”
“Are you sure?” Sion can’t help but be a little weary though it’s definitely time that he laid down after what felt like the longest day of his life. His exhaustion must be obvious if Siyeon’s volunteering herself.
“Go sleep, seriously,” Siyeon swats at him with an indignant little expression. “You look like a zombie.”
So Sion goes. He stumbles a little with Megumi’s weight in his arms but for the most part he’s able to stay steady as he brings her to bed. She’s just awake enough to change out of her clothes when Sion sets her down on the futon. Then, as she pulls on some PJs: “Sleepover time?”
Sion pets over her hair and yawns. “Appa needs to get changed first. Lay down, okay?” He smiles when she obliges. “I’ll be right back, baby.”
Sion crosses the hall to his own room and the first thing he does is sit at the edge of his bed and check his phone. It’s been hours since he’s last paid attention to it so he missed some texts from Riku, mostly sending his best wishes to Sion’s parents and hoping they arrived back okay.
He smiles and dials Riku’s number. He doesn’t really expect him to pick up - his boyfriend is most likely asleep by now - but Sion still closes his eyes as the phone rings, rings, rings…
As he predicted, he gets sent to voicemail. Riku’s never missed one of Sion’s calls before and so Sion’s smile only grows when Riku's voice answers the voicemail box, audibly younger: “Sorry, I’m busy right now~ So leave your message after the beep, okay?”
Sion can’t help his chuckle. And when the tone beeps, he speaks.
“Hi, baby. I miss you and I hope you’re doing well. Full disclosure, I’m a little drunk.” Sion lies back against his bed and sighs. “So far everything’s going well. I’m just a little sad that I won’t be cuddling with you tonight…” Sion’s cheeks redden. He’s not sure if that’s something he’d say while sober. “But everything is good and I’ll see you later this week, yeah?”
Sion’s mind is a little slower than usual and he’s not- he doesn’t want to be too honest and tell Riku about how being nagged at by his parents makes him want to regress and how above all else Sion just wishes Riku were here. He’s not gonna say that. He needs some sense of self preservation, right?
So Sion just closes his eyes and tells him: “Ah, I miss you. I miss your cute face. I know it’s only been a day, but still. Keep yourself fed, Riku, I can run leftovers over to you if you need them…” There it is again, very briefly, the urge to say it. But Sion doesn’t. “So… text me when you get this, okay? Goodnight.”
Sion ends the call. He presses his phone to his chest; he breathes. He misses Riku more than usual right now and he knows why, it’s just- it’s stupid. He’s still so impulsive, isn’t he, falling for people left and right and center. Sion can’t give in and say it, not yet, the thing that’s been plaguing his mind as of late.
“But… eventually, maybe…” Sion murmurs to himself. And, well. That seems like a good-enough compromise with the voice trying to eat away at his mind. So then he gets up, gets changed, and heads to bed.
As always, Megumi’s happy to cuddle with her Appa. The second Sion crawls into the futon with her, she buries herself into his arms. He mourns the fact that she seems to have outgrown the thing where she tries to crawl under his skin over the past few months, but it’s probably better this way if she isn’t burrowing under his shirts and stretching them out and everything…
“I’m so happy,” Megumi presses her face to Sion’s collarbone. “Appa and I get to have a sleepover.”
Sion smiles and strokes over her hair. “I’m so happy too, baby. Sweet dreams, okay?”
“Okay,” Megumi mumbles. “I love you, Appa.”
God, she’s so sweet. Sion’s grin gets unbearably wide. “Appa loves you too, Megumi.”
And so they go to sleep. And so Sion sleeps surprisingly well, and then when he wakes up in the morning there are three texts waiting for him on his phone.
Good morning~ I miss you too ♡
You’re cute when you drink lol
Have fun with your family today! I’ll see you soon! I’m so excited to be with you and Gumi again!
Sion grins. He presses his phone to his chest, again, and breathes out a relieved sigh. Right, he’s not in any kind of rush or anything. Riku is here and he’ll be here long enough for- for Sion to be brave enough to say the thing he’s so afraid of. He knows that he will.
So things really aren’t bad at all. And for the first time since the day he landed in Osaka with a terrified Megumi wrapped up in his arms only a year and a half ago, Sion finally feels like he’s living the life he’s always been meant to.
˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖
It’s a little funny in retrospect how quickly their vacation goes off the rails from what he was expecting; Sion hadn’t intended on speeding through his family’s introduction to Japan right off the bat but much to his surprise they want to jump straight into seeing everything. Yes, for reasons that he can’t possibly comprehend, even things like shrines. Sion didn’t think his parents would have any mind for the cultural aspects of Japan as there’s just a lot of painful history there that they saw the effects of much more than he did, and perhaps even more than that, his divorce to Tsuchiko only did more damage to some… um. You know, cultural tensions. Sion even has to filter it out sometimes with the not-so-gentle reminder that you know, your granddaughter is still half!
But alas, visiting a shrine seems to be the first thing on his mom’s bucket list. Which is fine, obviously, just a little shocking.
“You want to go to a shrine?” Sion asks over breakfast, which is a much more chaotic affair with the five of them to manage all at once. He steadies a hand on Megumi’s back as she reaches for more pancakes and he tries to explain: “Eomma, it’s, like… the shrines are more of a spiritual thing. It’s about good fortune and stuff.”
Sion isn’t convinced that his deeply Christian mother wants to get an omamori charm in order to manifest luck for herself or anything like that. He doesn’t know anyone who really goes out of their way to visit shrines, actually, as Yushi’s told him it’s more of a festival occasion or that he’ll only bother going on New Year’s. It’s especially worse in Kyoto; the crowds are insane this time of year.
“Misung told me that we need to see at least one,” his mom pays him no mind, though, taking a pointed sip of the dakjuk she whipped up this morning. “Did you know he studied in Tokyo last year? He traveled around and saw everything.”
“I did,” Sion says a little wryly. He and Siyeon make eye contact across the table and she rolls her eyes. Misung is their youngest, most annoying, most accomplished cousin. He graduated from SNU to go into something insufferable like software engineering and now it has to be all of their problem. So Sion, trying not to give that demon boy too much thought, wipes syrup and butter from Megumi’s face. “Do you wanna visit a shrine, baby?”
They’ve never been to one. And predictably, Megumi chirps: “No.” But when Sion elbows her gently in the side and sends a pointed nod in the direction of her grandmother, she pivots. “Erm, I mean. Sure.”
Siyeon chuckles. Sion huffs, exasperated, though neither of his parents pay Megumi’s blunder any mind. His mom reaches over to cup Megumi’s cheek. “Good girl. Your father hasn’t taken you, has he?” She gives Sion a Look. “It’s her culture, Sion!”
Sion balks. “Since when did you care about-”
Megumi is as nonplussed as ever, though. “Appa only takes me to 7/11.” Then she grins when that makes Siyeon cackle. That little rascal; of course she’s making him look bad on purpose. Megumi just thinks it’s sooo funny to make everyone laugh at her poor Appa’s expense.
His mom chides again: “Oh Sion! Is that true?!”
Sion groans. God, his family is gonna be the death of him.
So, perhaps a bit more impromptu than he’d like, the five of them pile into his minivan and head off to Fushimi Inari. The drive is relatively short - only an hour or so - as the shrine is more on the outskirts of the city. Sion would’ve liked to go to a much less popular tourist hotspot but unfortunately Siyeon had looked up photos on Naver and insisted they had to go. She raves nonstop about Instagram photo ops but Sion’s pretty sure that there’s gonna be enough tourists this time of year to make that impossible.
But, like, you know. Sion never has much choice besides to adhere to his mom and sister’s every whim, so.
As expected, it’s packed when they arrive. Megumi hates crowds so Sion gives her a piggyback ride to appease her. It’s better this way; the path up to the main shrine is about two and a half miles and Megumi’s not really known for her physical endurance.
“It’s so busy,” Siyeon pouts, though she still insists that Sion takes photos for her in front of the red gates. After a bit of scuffling around, she poses for the camera: “How do I look?”
“You look cute,” Sion replies automatically, making sure he’s holding his phone at the exact perfect angle or else Siyeon will skin him alive. Or at least she’d make him do this a million times over, and with the crowds he’d really like to not do that.
Siyeon grins. “Really? Gumi-yah, is your Appa telling the truth?”
As usual, Megumi is more supportive of her aunt than she is of her own father. She gives a thumbs-up. “You look great, Unnie!”
In the morning the crowds aren’t quite unbearable just yet though a part of Sion is still aghast from the sheer amount of tourists. But still, it’s not the worst in the world. The five of them make their way up the Tori pathway and stop every now and again to idle at a smaller shrine or one of the many fox messenger statues. Siyeon takes a million photos. Sion’s parents seem intrigued, at least, by all architecture.
“We’ll check out the shops on the way back,” Sion tells Megumi, who’s acting much more subdued than usual from the sheer amount of people surrounding them; she’s clinging extra hard to his shoulders and burying her face into his nape. Sion reaches back to squeeze her. “Baby, are you scared?”
“A little,” she mumbles into his ear. Then she clings to him even closer.
Sion sighs an exasperated thing. It’ll only get worse if she’s already like this, so he may as well just carry her properly, huh? “Okay, okay,” he squats down. “Come here.”
It takes a lot more of his energy to hold her in both arms instead of piggybacking her - Megumi isn’t nearly as small as she seems to think she is - but she relaxes more when Sion carries her close to his chest. Megumi’s gotten a lot taller over the past year; she can’t hide into his neck quite so easily anymore and yet she still manages to find a way.
“How’s this?” Sion runs a hand up her back and cups the back of her head. “Are you feeling a little better now?”
“A little,” Megumi whines. “There’s so many people…”
Sion coos at her, smoothing over her hair. “You’ll be okay, baby. Appa’s got you.”
It doesn’t take much longer after that for them to get to the top, and quite honestly, the Fushimi Inari temple itself is pretty impressive even after the difficult trek there. This is Sion’s first time really seeing a Japanese shrine in person and he feels surprisingly enchanted by the elegance of it all. “Look. Isn’t this kind of cool?” He nudges his kid. Megumi’s really into art and history so he assumes she’d be enthralled by everything.
But she pulls a face while smushing into his cheek. “It’s fine...” She really must be nervous about the crowds. Well, Sion still takes a bunch of pictures for her to appreciate later. He doesn’t want Megumi to regret not checking anything out…
“We don’t have to go inside,” Sion presses a kiss to her temple. “Hm? You wanna wander around instead?”
Megumi nods. So they do.
Sion doesn’t mind keeping his distance from the bulk of tourists lining up at the shrine, so he leaves his parents and sister to fend for themselves. While the experience would be nice for them to share, if Megumi isn’t interested in the ritual then there’s no point in forcing her. Instead Sion pokes through all the other fortunes that are being offered, stopping at a table with a bunch of wooden plaques. He’s seen this in an anime before. You write wishes on them, right?
“Gumi, do you know what this is?” He prods her. She pokes her head out from his cheek to stare down at the table, too.
“Yeah. They’re called ema, I think,” Megumi supplies. Of course she knows.
“We write wishes, right?” Sion asks. He smiles when she nods. “Do you want to write one together? Or do you want one of your own?”
Megumi presses back into him. “Together.” So that settles that, then.
Sion pays 500 yen for a plaque, bowing his head when he’s also passed a pen. Then he squats down to the ground in a quiet corner of the clearing and Megumi, as clingy as ever, stays stuck to his side. “What should we write, hm?” Sion tucks a stray hair out of her face and behind her ear. “Is there anything you want Appa to wish for?”
“I dunno.” Megumi smushes her cheek to Sion’s. “Maybe… something about being happy… or Sensei being happy…”
“Sensei?” Sion asks. He’s a little surprised. Megumi is a pretty out of sight, out of mind type of kid so he didn’t think that she’d still be thinking about how Riku was doing. Even though, yeah, it’s true that she’s especially bonded to him. But it’s not often that Megumi brings people up in conversation as often as she brings up her Sensei.
And yet Megumi only nods. “Let’s wish for Sensei’s happiness.”
Sion can’t believe this. He grins, stroking over Megumi’s hair. “Sensei’s? Not ours?” Then he pinches her cheek. “What about Megumi and Appa?”
It’s true that Sion’s half-joking but it’s still a little ridiculous that even then, Megumi just shakes her head. “Sensei is more important.” And at that point Sion isn’t left with much choice in the matter, is he?
“Okay, then,” he sighs a fond thing. “Let’s cheer for Sensei…”
Well, at least you can’t say that Megumi doesn’t stay consistent. She directs Sion on what to write and he grins something stupid and jots down their wish, which of all things says: be happy, Sensei. He snaps a photo and texts it to Riku, smacking a kiss to Megumi’s cheek. “My Gumi, you’re so thoughtful, hm?”
Megumi’s ears go a little red. “Stop it, Appa, you’re embarrassing…” But that only makes Sion laugh. Even when she’s embarrassed she curls into his neck and wow, she’s just so cute.
Siyeon and his parents finish up at the shrine soon enough. They make their way back down the Tori path, and as promised, they finish with the gift shops. Sion buys omamori charms for Megumi and Riku, and as an afterthought, himself. “These ones,” Megumi urges him, pointing to yellow charms with flowery prints on them.
“Your favorite color, hm?” Sion pets over her head. “For Sensei, too?”
She stares up at him, her eyes as round and adorable as ever. “I want us all to match…”
So obviously Sion obliges. Riku’s gonna love the idea of all of them matching, and quite honestly, Megumi’s sweetness shocks even him sometimes. Sion squats down and pulls his kid into a tight hug. “Ah really, Megumi, you’re the most perfect girl in the world.” He’s been feeling extra affectionate lately but he can’t help it - her birthday’s this weekend and even now she’s so grown up and big and mature.
Megumi hugs him back. “Am I really?” Her voice is coy, pleased, very smug. And really, Sion isn’t complaining even though the charms ran a little steep; anything his kid wants, she damn-well gets. He’ll make sure of it.
“Yeah, you’re the best,” Sion assures her. Then he nuzzles into her cheek and is overcome by the mounting urge to take Megumi away into the mountains and raise her in tandem with the deer so she never has to experience suffering at the hands of anyone, ever. But, you know, that’s because he’s insane. Sion sighs again. “It’s not fair, I wanna eat you ‘cause you’re so cute. How did I make a baby so perfect?”
Megumi grins and then laughs as Sion squeezes her again, again, again. “It’s because of Appa.” And really, one of these days she’s gonna kill him with that sweet face and sweet voice and sweet everything. She’s already almost eight? That’s not even fair! Sion wants her to be this tiny and clingy forever.
He ends up smiling so wide his face hurts. “Ah, Megumi. You really make me so happy.”
They all regroup after the shops, in which everyone seemed to have gotten a few things; Siyeon, it turns out, got a gift for each of their cousins’ kids. Sion carries Megumi down the Tori path while she tells him a bit about what she’s learned about shrines, which isn’t much but still very enlightening. Everyone seems to have had fun, though, and they’re already back in the parking lot when Riku replies to Sion’s text.
OMG, it says, followed by maybe a million heart emojis. Sion, did you make her write that?!
The fact that Riku asks that is both hilarious and concerning. It was her idea, Sion tells him. Surely that can’t be surprising given the fact that Megumi is constantly latched onto her Sensei like a leech, and yet that earns him more spams and kaomojis. Typical Riku, huh?
I’m gonna have a heart attack T_T our baby’s so sweet…
Sion smiles at how Riku says “our.” Months ago the insinuation would’ve freaked him out but now he’s fond of the idea, her being both of theirs. Maybe not in, like, the parent way. Yeah, preferably not that. But in many ways she’s definitely both of theirs.
She is, Sion replies. And then he says out loud: “Gumi, Sensei loves the wish you made.”
Megumi beams. “Really?”
“Yup.” Sion swipes through his phone to the camera app. “Let’s take a selfie for him, okay?” He still has a selfie quota to fulfill for his boyfriend, after all.
For once Megumi is agreeable to having her picture taken. “M’kay.” She doesn’t really smile but she puts a finger heart up to the camera and her lips twitch into something that at least looks a little friendlier than usual. Sion puts up a heart, too, and grins. Wow. Riku’s gonna lose it over this one. The amount of brownie points Sion gets off of having a cute kid alone is insane.
He snaps the photo. Then he sends it and Riku’s response is both immediate and predictable: GUMI SO CUTE AND MY HUSBAND SO HANDSOME ♡
Sion is an idiot who grins at “husband.” He texts back a heart of his own and pockets his phone. So this wasn’t a bad way to spend their first morning of the trip after all, huh?
Much of the week passes like that, Sion taking his family out at their request and doing whatever is asked of him. They try restaurants; they explore the Kyoto forests; Yushi arranges for them to spend a night at the ryokan, god bless his heart. They enjoy a kaiseki meal and Saito-san even grills some meat for Megumi to eat since she turns up her nose at everything else. “Normally we don’t make accommodations,” the older man says, “but we want little Megumi to eat well, huh?”
Sion smiles. Normally when they go out with other people he’s able to time her meals differently in case she can’t eat anything - or he’ll avoid places with unfamiliar food all together - but this is still so nice of Saito-san to do just for her. “What do you say, honey?” Sion nudges his daughter in the side.
As always, Megumi is wary of strangers. But usually she’ll concede if Sion asks her to, and so she bows her head and mumbles in a very shy voice: “Thank you…”
Saito-san laughs. “Ah, she’s cute.” And then he goes back to the kitchen without much preamble at all, seemingly satisfied with just that. Wow. Sion really does have the best coworkers in the world, huh, plus he’s surrounded by so many people who go above and beyond for his baby. It’s so nice to be surrounded by people who only have good intentions in mind, isn’t it?
Or, well, you know. Mostly.
“Oh, is this your daughter, Sion-kun?” Yui wanders into the dining room to ask at the tail end of their dinner. Sion is a little flabbergasted by her appearance in general, as she pointedly works on the other side of the hotel. Something annoyed throbs at his temple when Yui steps in close and grins. “She looks just like you!”
Sion resists the urge to tell her to back off as Megumi immediately retreats to hide in his neck. She’s come around the ryokan plenty but usually Sion’s carrying her while she’s asleep in his arms or he’s actively trying to avoid confrontation with, like, anyone besides Yushi. Megumi’s uncomfortable around people in general and they always try to get her to talk to them, which without a doubt just means she becomes even more closed-off. It’s just easier this way since there always comes the judgemental eyes and silent insinuations. But with his whole family here...
Sion can see his mom perk up in his peripheral. Fucking hell, of course she does. His eye twitches and he explains: “She’s shy.”
“O-oh,” Yui falters. But then she crouches down, only getting closer. “Well, it’s nice to meet you! You’re Megumi, right?”
Megumi ignores her, of course, because when strangers come too close she normally shuts down entirely. Sion grimaces. “Ah, Yui, she’s tired. So if you don’t mind…”
“Ah, I see,” she backs off easily, thank god. Though that could be because Yushi’s lurking around and he already told her off a few times. The next time will result in some type of probation, and while Sion doesn’t want the girl to lose her job, it gets to a point. “Well, I’ll see you…”
Sion sighs as Yui finally goes back to her post, though, and Megumi sticks herself to him like an oversized leech. “Sion,” his mom smacks him on the arm. “She’s interested in you! Why would you tell her off!”
“She’s over ten years younger than me. And I’m not-” Sion resists the urge to scowl, closing his eyes and petting down Megumi’s back. “Eomma, I’m not doing this right now. Please.”
Megumi’s here with them, is the thing, and even when she hides they all know she’s paying rapt attention to their words. Sion’s pretty sure that’s half of the reason she likes hanging around adults so much; Megumi loves soaking up conversation and advice and gossip and just, like, all of it. But the lecturing and the mom-talk and even worse, the girlfriend-talk, is nothing she needs to hear. Sion refuses to entertain it. He’s just- he’s tired and he just can’t.
Sion’s mom bites her lip but when Megumi noses into his collarbone, she backs off. “Fine,” she says, “but you aren’t in any position to get so picky.”
Sion squeezes his eyes shut and counts to ten in his head. “Yes, Eomma, I know.”
It’s tense for another second or two but then Siyeon takes reign over the conversation by bringing up a date she recently went on, in which their mom straightens and immediately scolds her for wasting time on a terrible man. The double standards, huh. Sion sighs into Megumi’s hair and squeezes her close.
It’s fine. He only has another week and a half of this. It’ll be fine.
After dinner his parents and Siyeon head to the onsen. Sion rents a private hot spring for himself and Megumi since she refuses to go in without him and he’s obviously not bringing his daughter into the goddamn men’s bath. But once Megumi realizes how hot the water actually is, however, that poses an entirely new problem.
“It’s too hot,” she sends him wide eyes like she feels betrayed and devastated that her Appa would try to trick her into doing such a thing. “Appa, I don’t wanna. I’m gonna boil alive!”
Sion runs a hand down his face. “You’re not going to boil alive.” He doesn’t even want to know where the hell she found out about the concept of boiling alive, either, but he’s not feeling great about it. “You know the boiling temperature of water, don’t you?”
Megumi nods, her eyes still pleading. “One hundred degrees celcius…”
The fact that she knows that off the dome at her age is- Sion manages a smile. “This isn’t nearly as hot as that. Just give it a try, please?”
And, well, of course she drags her refusal out a little longer. Sion suspects this is mostly Megumi’s resistance to trying new things more than anything, but still, that doesn’t make it any easier to convince a child that is skittish by nature to do something she’s nervous about.
(And also she’s just as stubborn as he is, if not more. Sion really loathes that in times like these.)
He settles down in the bath until the water comes up to his waist and tries to stay very, very patient as he reaches a hand out for his baby to join him. “What are you so scared for, honey? Just pretend we’re bathing at home.” Sion tries to smile in a reassuring way and not, like, a tired way.
But Megumi makes a face. “Our water doesn’t get this hot. You could make jjigae in this.”
God, the ideas she comes up with are so goddamn ridiculous and fantastical that it’s a little hard not to laugh. Sion grins. “Baby, seriously. You’ll be fine. Just try putting a foot in, okay?”
Megumi takes his hand and looks down at the water with a very unsure expression. “I don’t know…”
“A toe, then,” Sion urges. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”
Megumi ends up relenting after another few moments of indecision. And then, as Sion figured she would, she ends up liking the hot water so much that she paddles around with the happiest smile on her face. Sion actually ends up having to drag her out when she wants to stay long enough for the steam to get to her head. “Just a little more!” Megumi whines as Sion gently pulls at her wrist.
“No, you’re gonna faint.” Sion wouldn’t normally be this stringent over something so dumb but he’ll be the first to admit that his kid can sometimes be a little frail. And also Megumi has zero sense of how to do anything in moderation. “Come on, we can come back tomorrow.”
She stares up at him. “Really? Do you promise?” Megumi didn’t used to be like this, so Sion can’t help but wonder if Riku’s really starting to rub off on her. He loves shit like this, making Sion swear on his life over inane things and making promises over things he’s obviously gonna keep his word about. God, of all things for her to pick up from her Sensei…
“We will,” Sion says. Then he hauls her out of the bath. “Come on, we’ll get a treat.”
And, well, that works. Megumi is easily toweled off and dressed up in her yukata and Sion does the same; then he goes to a nearby vending machine to get her a banana milk. “Thank you, Appa!”
Sion sighs a fond thing and ruffles her hair. He must not be the worst at this whole parenting thing if he was able to get them through that, huh. “Of course.”
The others are still in the onsen, it seems, and quite honestly Sion is kind of grateful for quiet time alone with his kid since things usually stay pretty quiet when it’s just the two of them. They go back to the room they’re sharing with Siyeon and sprawl out on the tatami floor in their yukatas. Normally Megumi would be pulling out a book or her Switch but she’s subdued from the bath and cuddles into his side.
Megumi yawns as she buries her face into Sion’s shoulder. “I miss Sensei.”
Sion smiles. “You do?” His grin only widens when she nods. It’s funny - Megumi seems to be thinking more about Riku than even Sion does. Though to be fair, he’s a little preoccupied with keeping his family in line to think about much else.
“Can we call him?” Megumi’s arms wrap around Sion’s bicep and tug at him until he relents.
Sion just smiles, only a little exasperated. “Sure.”
He opts for a video call upon Megumi’s insistence that she wants to see her Sensei’s face, so Sion scrolls to Riku’s contact and presses the video call button. Riku told him earlier that he was hanging out with Daeyoung so there’s a chance he’s too busy for them. The phone rings once, twice, and then-
A pink, very tipsy Riku picks up the phone. He beams when he sees Sion’s face. “Hey, sexy!” And then, when Megumi pops her head into frome, his expression goes mortified. “O-oh. Um. Hi to you too, baby…”
Sion similarly goes pink, face palming. But luckily Megumi is seven and has yet to learn the Japanese word “sexy.” She only beams back: “Hi, Sensei!”
It’s actually pretty hilarious, though, all things considered. Sion’s never seen Riku look so humiliated before. After a beat Daeyoung’s voice comes from the background: “Why do you look like that?”
Riku only turns away, his voice sheepish. “Sion’s with Gumi…”
And, well. Daeyoung’s over-delighted cackle does all the speaking for him. Riku turns even redder and leaves the room, stomping into what looks like his bedroom as he closes his door shut behind him. “Ignore him,” he says curtly. And then Riku’s voice goes back to the usual sweet, doting tone. “Gumi, how are you doing? Have you been good for your Appa?”
As always, Riku is so good at pivoting. Megumi smushes her face against Sion’s and nods. “I have, Sensei.”
“Good girl,” Riku praises. “And you, big one. Have you been good for your parents?”
Sion sighs. But as always, he appeases him anyway. “I have.”
Riku smiles. “Good Appa.” God, he’s a menace.
They catch him up on what they’ve been up to and even though Riku’s clearly tipsy, he’s still hanging onto Megumi’s every word with rapt attentiveness. He’s so cute. And he also seems surprisingly relaxed; in two days is their trip to Universal and if Riku’s nervous to meet Sion’s family, he certainly doesn’t seem like it. He rolls over in bed when Megumi tells him that she misses him. “I miss you too, baby. But I’ll see you soon! In two days!”
Megumi pouts. “But that’s too long...”
Riku tuts. “Ah, Gumi, don’t look so sad. Aren’t you having fun with your Appa? And your aunt? And your grandparents?”
As usual, Riku’s able to easily distract her. Megumi nods. “Yeah…”
“So enjoy your time with them, okay? Plus you get to stay at the ryokan! That’s so fun!” It’s almost criminal how good Riku is with kids, seriously, because somehow he can redirect her even more successfully than Sion can. “Your Appa told me how much you missed your aunt. Aren’t you glad to spend time with her?”
Megumi nods again, this time smiling a little. “Yeah.”
Riku smiles back, his face still pink. “So then-”
He’s interrupted by the door to their room sliding open. Sion’s head cranes over to see who it is, even though obviously Siyeon is standing in the doorway. Speak of the devil and she shall appear, something like that.
“What are you doing?” She squints down at where he and Megumi are crowding over his phone. But then Riku tries speaking again and her face lights up. “Is that Riku Oppa?”
Sion stiffens, half at being caught and half over the fact that his sister has already Oppa-claimed his boyfriend. “No,” he tries. Though of course Sion forgets to account for Megumi, who would never lie to her aunt in her entire life.
“Come meet Maeda Sensei!” She makes grabby hands up at Siyeon. So much for dissuading her, huh.
Sion groans. “Riku, I’m sorry.”
Riku blinks. “What does-”
There’s no time to prepare him for the chaos that’s about to ensue, though, because Siyeon immediately burrows her way into Sion’s other side. “Hi, Sensei!” And then she immediately stuns everyone involved by speaking in a well-practiced Japanese accent. “It’s nice to meet you! I’m Sion’s little sister!”
Sion bristles. “Where and when did you-”
“I’ve had five months to practice,” Siyeon deadpans in Korean. Then she turns back to the phone. “You’re so handsome!”
Sion runs a hand down his face. On his phone screen Riku looks incredibly shocked, his eyes wide and his mouth agape. He turns even more red. “T-thank you!” The amount he’s stuttering makes Sion just a little suspicious. “Wow, um. You guys look so much alike! You’re like twins!”
Siyeon pulls a face before Sion can even refute that, though. “Eh, Sensei, don’t you think I’m way better-looking?”
Sion scowls and pushes her out of frame. “In your dreams, maybe. No more of that.” He really should’ve known better - he and Siyeon have always had identical ideal types to the point they’d end up crushing on the same guys. And Riku - who is deadly handsome with sharp features and plenty of aegyo points to round out his overwhelming beauty - fits that type to a T. “Please ignore her, Riku.” Sion sends Siyeon a glare. “Besides, I’m the better looking one. Right?”
Sion says that last part pointedly because it’s true and that’s why Riku’s his boyfriend, obviously. But Riku, to his horror, just scratches at his neck. “Well, I don’t know. You have the same face. And you’re both really-”
Very distantly, Sion can feel his blood pressure rise as Siyeon cackles in delight, which only makes things worse because he knows they laugh the same, too. He sends his boyfriend a stare over the phone and lowers his voice so Megumi can’t hear: “Riku, if you are attracted to my sister because she looks like me, I’m gonna be so mad.”
And, well. The guilty look on Riku’s face can’t be defended by words. Sion can feel a spike of genuine annoyance flash through him and he groans, passing his phone into Megumi’s hands out of defeat. He knows they’re closeted, sure, but Riku could at least- fuck. This is so annoying.
Is Sion allowed to have anything sacred, his own relationship included? He isn’t, huh? Yeah, he’s stupid for thinking anything otherwise.
Of course Siyeon and Megumi quickly take over the phone on his behalf. And Siyeon is as teasing as she always is, sending a smug look Sion’s way: “Sensei, I feel so honored! It’s not often I get compliments from guys as handsome as you!”
Sion pouts, as dumb as it is, rolling off of the futon and burrowing face-first into the tatami floor. God, something about this is so- it’s making him want to blow a gasket in a way that nothing else, like, ever has. And only Siyeon can do that, right? There is no one else on this goddamn earth capable of making him act so haughty and childish, and so he is. It’s such an unreasonable kind of anger pounding in his head but he’s just- it’s just-
Sion was the one who made the boundary of keeping it low-key around his family, and even though Siyeon knows, Megumi certainly can’t. Of course that was his own doing and of course that was the right move for them to make. Of course. But Riku belongs to him, doesn’t he? And Sion wants to rip his hair out because it just fucking kills him that he’s not even allowed to say that much. It kills him.
“Oh, I- is Sion-san really mad?” Riku sounds so sweet and Sion is almost moved by his boyfriend stuttering all worried over the phone. Almost. “I-I think he misunderstood me…”
“Aw, so you don’t think I’m good-looking after all?” Siyeon even pulls some honest-to-god aegyo on him. Then she yelps when Sion kicks her in the back. “Ow! What are you, five?!”
But Sion, feeling very fucking petulant, just ignores her. His mind quickly devolves into chaos and it’s dumb because Sion may normally be jealous, but this is something else entirely. If Riku thinks Siyeon’s so good-looking then why doesn’t he just go for her, then, huh? Siyeon is his twin in most ways, anyway, they’re both buff and tall. She can basically be his stand in. That way Riku wouldn’t have to be with someone who has to hide him, or be with a single dad divorcee with intimacy hang-ups, or have to deal with him at all. That way he could just- he’d never have to-
It takes a second for Sion to realize just what the hell he’s thinking. And then he blinks himself out of… whatever that spiral was. What the fuck was he-?
“Sion is being very rude to me right now,” Siyeon says to Riku over the phone, which only makes Sion’s annoyance spike even more. “So Maeda Sensei, if you’re ever in the market for a girlfriend, or-”
Sion whirls around on her. “Siyeon!”
She grins back at him. “What? Can’t I offer?”
This is awful. Sion shouldn’t be mad because Siyeon does this to him all the damn time but he can’t even say it - no, you can’t, he’s mine - because he’s not allowed to. That’s what gets to him, that’s what makes the annoyance turn into something so frustrated he could scream, that’s what makes him want to yell. It’s just- it’s not fair.
Fucking hell. Very distantly, Sion knows that he’s being an idiot. He’s crying and screaming over fairness but Riku is his boyfriend, so why’s he acting like such a fucking baby? There’s no reason for Sion to be throwing a temper tantrum at his age and yet there is something storming in his mind and beneath his sternum and deep, deep, deep down in his insides. It’s a foreign kind of anger, or at least one he has not felt in years. The urge to run is what presses at his mind the hardest - Sion always runs when he gets angry. He hides; that way no one can see just how angry he can get. The look on Siyeon’s face brings up an old bitterness he thought he already killed but with Riku on his phone, it eats at him. It bites. You’ll still never be allowed to really feel anything, right? You’ll still never let yourself be honest, huh? Don’t you remember what it was like when you were sixteen, Sion? Doesn’t it make you so angry?
Sion frowns. He needs to get out of here, at least, he needs to- he needs to chill and he needs to think. It’s getting really hard to chill or think clearly and the last thing he would ever, ever, ever let himself do is have any kind of meltdown in front of Megumi. And so, without much hesitation at all, Sion snatches his phone out of Siyeon’s hand before rising to his feet.
“Excuse me,” Sion addresses his sister and his kid, who both look similarly flabbergasted at him acting so out of character. “But Maeda Sensei and I have something to discuss. So, goodbye.”
They’re stunned enough that they just let him leave. Sion stomps out of the room with his phone in hand, and while he’s very aware he’s setting a very bad example for his kid, Sion still feels so- he’s so annoyed. He’s annoyed enough that he doesn’t care about what he looks like right now. Or, well, he does, but he always keeps his cool in front of Megumi and right now he just can’t.
So off he goes. He goes and he runs and he hides as he always does, right? It’s all Sion knows. No one can see me, no one can look at me, no one can know what I have to be ashamed of. It’s all he knows, and so he always, always, always, always-
“Um. Sion?” Riku’s voice is tiny through the phone speaker as Sion moves on autopilot down the hallway.
“I’m- I’m mad at you right now.” Sion can’t tell if he genuinely means that or not but he also kind of feels a little too upset to pretend he isn’t peeved. “So let me… I need to think.”
Sion turns off the video feed on his phone and Riku does the same. God, this is so- of course Sion feels like a dumbass for the tantrum he’s throwing right now but this vacation has already dredged up so many feelings for him, you know? The good, the bad, everything in between; all of the bullshit and the pain and the resentment he told himself he’d let go of when he moved here. He’s so fucking resentful. Sion still resents how his parents raised him and he still resents how he was so complicit in it for so long and he still resents how Tsuchiko left him and he still resents how she left Megumi without any second thought, and he- God. God, this is so fucking stupid.
Sion’s too old to be acting like this but sometimes he can’t help but let that fearful part of him rise to the surface again, again, again. There were so many things that stopped bothering him the second he left his parents’ house and moved here but the thing with Siyeon is just- it brings up so many bad feelings. In so many ways Sion is jealous of her and he always has been. Like, he still remembers being in high school and having a puppy crush or something maybe more on one or two of the guys he played baseball with, and that was normal, you know? It was fine that it was never going to go anywhere because Sion couldn’t afford the risk even if it did; that was just part of growing up queer and even when he was sixteen he knew that. But Sion can still remember coming home from practice and Siyeon raving about how handsome his friends were over dinner and his mom would coo at her to focus on boys her own age, and Sion would have to just sit there and stew and stew and stew. He thought they were handsome, too, that was the thing. He wanted to talk about boys to his mom, too, he wanted to let himself want anything. But he never dared to tell anyone, not even years and years and years later when Yushi needled him over beer on the couch about Riku. Even then, Sion had naturally resisted.
But even now - even though Siyeon knows, even though she’s just messing with Sion for laughs, even though he should be used to this by now - it brings up that old bitterness and the perpetual feeling of inadequacy and like he has a shame he needs to hide. For god’s sake, Siyeon can flirt with Riku in front of Megumi. Sion has to tell his kid that he and his Sensei are just good friends, and even if they worked out long term, it’d be a never-ending “roommate” situation to everyone else. It’s so humiliating still, still, still, and Sion is still, still, still hiding.
He has no choice but to hide, doesn’t he? And he knows that. But just once Sion wants to say it: Back off, he’s mine, he’ll never be interested in you because he has me. Is that too much to ask for?
Sion’s being so stupid, isn’t he. He’s asking for too much. It’s stupid that he still worries about these things because never once in his life has he even considered being out, and the need to hide has only compounded more with Megumi’s safety to worry about. Riku doesn’t even care about them being obvious - Riku likes them being obvious - and yet even his self preservation is sometimes so much better than Sion’s because Riku can disengage, Riku can ignore the people who judge them, Riku feels no shame on instinct. But Sion is so ashamed, isn’t he? It’s so childish that he’s letting old bullshit still haunt him and yet it still haunts him no matter how far he runs. Across the East Sea to another country, hiding in the valleys of Kyoto, kissing Riku in the shadows of streetlamps late at night…
He wordlessly retraces the familiar route to Yushi’s office. It’s empty this time of night and he just needs a second of quiet. Sion stares down at Riku’s contact on his phone - the timer of their call just ticks on and on and on - and the guilt rings so loudly in his ears. It’s a sound that is as hollow as it is miserable, too, which is almost uncannily familiar to him. Fuck. He’s really so- he’s so terrible. Sion’s really no more mature than he was ten years ago, huh.
That’s an even more humiliating thought. He wanted to shed the immature part of him in the long, crooked alleys of Itaewon. And yet it still comes and finds him, right? It always, always does.
Sion slips into Yushi’s office. He slides the door shut behind him. He pads across the room and there is a storm in his mind because he was the one who told Riku that he would get over his shame and bullshit and misery. And yet, again and again and again, he lets it slowly kill him. Through the phone comes Riku’s voice, tiny and weary: “...Are you still mad at me?”
It’s bad; he’s a terrible man. Sion sighs and slumps down into Yushi’s desk chair and he’s still so mad, is the stupid thing, and usually when Sion’s mad at people he prefers to freeze them out so they can leave him alone. But it feels wrong to be mad at Riku, doesn’t it? He’s so sweet, he’s so honest, every emotion is clear on his face and in his voice and in every word he says. Riku’s so apologetic and it’s not- this isn’t even his fault. Sion grits his teeth. Didn’t he promise to do better? Didn’t he?
“I’m a little mad,” Sion mutters. “But you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m being stupid.”
He doesn’t usually chill out unless he’s left by himself, but he also knows that leaving Riku alone, tipsy and confused, after all of this would be incredibly awful of him. But Sion’s never been allowed to talk about any of this before and that’s the thing he’s stuck on, feeling it and vocalizing it. He’s never had a boyfriend that Siyeon got to meet, Sion never dated a guy he was this scared of losing, and Riku is the first person he’s been with, period, who has known this much about him to begin with. He just is. With those guys in college there was a level of detachment for their own safety; with the two or three girls he actually dated, Sion would’ve died before telling them he was bi. He feels so stupid now.
He’s thirty-four, he’s a dad, for god’s sake his kid is already school-aged. But deep in Sion’s insides still lives that sixteen year-old who lies in confession and kneels at the steeple without believing in the God he’s praying to, averting his eyes in the locker room in fear of being seen, or even worse, actually known. Isn’t that worse? Sion hates being known for who he really is. It’s been almost two decades of tamping these feelings down and he tried so hard to bury his anger. And yet it still lives in him; it probably always will; he’s going to die with it in his heart, he knows it.
And that, too, is something Sion is deeply ashamed of. Of course he is.
Riku doesn’t say anything for what feels like forever but is probably only a minute or two, maybe. “Sion,” he asks, his voice low and a little too patient for how not-sober he is, “can I… can I ask why you’re angry?”
God. “Angry” is such a visceral word. But Riku’s right and he’s always been so patient with him and on impulse Sion has to swallow down the rising defensiveness because he just- he’s used to inflating comfort with condescension. But Riku isn’t like that, is the awful thing, which is why he tamps it down. “I don’t know,” Sion tells him after a second of just, like, breathing. “It’s so stupid. And I just… I just want to get over it.” He sighs again, a hand running down his face. He’s never going to get over this, fucking hell.
“It sounds like you know, though,” Riku prods him again in that kind voice. It makes Sion’s hackles rise because he hates being caught so easily. “Is it something with Siyeon?”
Sion’s jaw clenches. He doesn’t know if that’s more because he’s angry or because he’s just tired. “It’s-” He doesn’t usually talk to anyone about this stuff, not even Yushi, because it hurts and it feels like revealing too much of his mind. But Riku is his boyfriend and Riku wants to know him and Riku might even love him, and so Sion inhales and exhales and closes his eyes. “It doesn’t have that much to do with Siyeon, but I- I don’t know how to say it.”
It’s a little funny how terrible he still is at vocalizing his feelings when Sion, who has been through too much bullshit to not be rational about most things, can usually give people pretty sound advice without any effort at all. But there’s a beat and then Riku says: “It’s okay. You don’t have to-”
“No, I- I want to tell you.” Sion says it because it’s true. But also there’s no one else in the world he would trust with this part of him, no one besides Riku, and that matters a little more. “I just- it’s hard to explain. But when I’m around my parents, I get… do you ever get the feeling when you’re with your family and you just, like…”
Sion doesn’t know how to word this. He licks his lips. He takes a second too long to elaborate and Riku hums. “Yes?”
God, he’s so patient and good and wonderful. Sion squeezes his eyes shut even harder, searching for the words he has been staving off for more years than he hasn’t. “I don’t know what it is. Or, well, I do. But sometimes I feel myself revert back to being a kid around them. Something like that.” He exhales. “And yet I’m thirty-four.”
Sion’s never really said this kind of thing out loud before, he suddenly realizes. That’s a daunting thought. He wonders if Riku will like him less once he realizes that Sion is a man who is more resentful and bitter and angry than he is someone worth loving. But that is- right now, he just-
Riku hums after a second, cutting right through the never-ending panic in Sion’s head. “I mean, honestly, I don’t think I really feel that way.” At least he’s always truthful, huh? “But I can understand how hard that would be. Especially with… um. Your childhood was a little…”
He has a point there. Sion smiles something bitter and sardonic and so, so tired; he rubs at his forehead like that would stave off the migraine he already knows is coming. Somehow Riku just makes it easier for him to be honest and that’s a very new thing for him to be feeling. “I- yeah. Sometimes it feels like I’m back in high school and I’m stuck in the closet and everyone is… it’s like they’re in a world I’m not part of.” Sion is wording this so poorly, he knows, but he can’t think before he speaks because this is one of those times he can’t trust his own mind. But Sion tells him the truth he has been running from for so long because he’s wanted to say it for months: “I used to be so good at pretending, Riku. But I don’t know if I can anymore.”
Those are heavy words for him to say out loud. Riku, on the other side of the line, makes another small sound. “Well. That’s- that’s true. What do you still need to pretend about?" He doesn’t sound judgemental but more curious. “Is it… us?” He must know that it is. Riku’s intuition for these things is a little too good.
Sion looks down at his hands. He flexes his fingers and exhales, resisting the urge to clench his fists; it’s a bad habit and he’s been trying so hard to break those, all of his fucking bad habits. He feels embarrassed saying it but he admits anyway: “Yeah. And it’s just… I don’t know how to explain it.” He licks his lips. “I’ve just- I’ve always been really jealous of Siyeon.”
God. He’s never said that out loud before, either, and Sion doesn’t even know if he wants to elaborate when the thought makes him feel so terrible. He’s not proud of himself because he knows more than anyone that in a thousand ways he has it easier than Siyeon does, what with being the first-born son and everything. But Riku only lets that simmer for a second. “Oh. Why… why were you jealous of her?”
Again, he mostly just sounds curious. Sion’s fist clenches in his lap and he tries not to scold himself for letting himself give in again, again, again to the things he knows he does to punish himself. “I told you it’s stupid,” he says. “But she can- she’s allowed to flirt with you, you know. And I can’t. And you’re my boyfriend. But it’s always been like that, her getting to like who she wants and me being so- it’s dumb.” Sion closes his eyes because he hates saying this out loud, all of it.
Riku just breathes. For as tipsy as he was before, he sounds surprisingly sober now. Sion wants to apologize for ruining his night of fun since, you know, he ruins everything. But then Riku tells him: “That’s not dumb, Sion.”
But it is, isn’t it? Sion’s eyes squeeze shut even tighter. “It makes me mad, though. I get worried that you’d rather be with someone who doesn’t have to hide you. And I-” Sion falters. “Riku, this all I can give you. And I’m sorry I can’t be better than this. That’s what I’m angry about.”
It’s really so, so, so stupid. Sion realizes how extremely idiotic he sounds the second he’s said it out loud and Riku lets out a shaky breath on the other side of the line. “Sion,” he says, “I-”
“I knew I was being an idiot,” Sion closes up immediately because he feels too raw, too vulnerable, too dumb and immature and needy for his age. He knows he is, okay? And it’s just- he’s still-
“No, it’s not that.” Riku cuts him off and his voice is surprisingly firm. “It’s not dumb. You really-” His voice goes a little softer. “I’d never ask you to do that, around your family. But you…? You’d really want to tell them? If you could?”
Sion can’t help the chuckle that rises out of him, as bitter and tired as it is. He hates being so honest but he can’t hide from this anymore - his past and all those old, tired, relentless emotions still nip at his heels like they know he will always give in to his pain. Sion kind of wants to cry about it, actually, because it makes him feel so impossibly small and stupid. How can I be this age and still be so hung up on what happened? How can I live this long still feeling this useless?
But Sion stills tells his boyfriend the thing that has been eating away at him the most: “Riku, the fact that I have to hide you from them is- it’s killing me.”
For a second the call goes silent. Sion almost regrets saying that, but he meant it, and that’s the thing he may be the most ashamed of - after a lifetime of denying himself, how can he still be so selfish? But as Sion’s eyes squeeze back closed he can hear Riku exhale, he can hear him inhale, he can hear his breath shake. Sion is about to say something but there is the rustling of sheets, footsteps, a door opening and closing.
“Riku,” Sion says. “I didn’t mean to-”
But Riku ignores him. His floorboards creak in the background of the call and he says in a much firmer voice: “Daeyoung, I’m going.”
Sion’s mouth snaps shut. He doesn’t know what to make of that, but that’s mostly because he’s never heard Riku sound so certain of something. Daeyoung’s voice comes slurred: “What?”
“I’m going to the ryokan,” Riku says, his voice unwavering. “So just- yeah.”
For a second Sion can only open his eyes just to stare down at his phone in his hand. Because he hadn’t- he hadn’t asked Riku to come to him, did he? He never would. Sion isn’t helpless and he doesn’t need rescuing and even if he did he’d never let anyone rescue him. And yet Riku is- he’s still-
“Baby,” Sion says. His voice sounds distant even to him and like he is underwater, watery and foreign and not his own. Something in his chest breaks, knowing that Riku is what, coming to him? “You don’t have to… I can just…”
Sion’s voice trails off in his own disbelief. But he should’ve known better. Riku sounds crystal clear over the sound of his front door swinging open, swinging shut. “Do you expect me to hear that kind of thing and leave you all alone? I’m coming. So don’t- don’t you dare move.”
Riku doesn’t hang up. But there are the sounds of the night, of the trees, of footsteps quickening against concrete. Riku’s breath starts going heavy like he- it’s like he’s running. But Sion stares at his phone and feels so, so confused because no one has ever run to his side instead of the other way around before. Never.
Tears prickle in his eyes. “Riku,” Sion says. He sounds so devastated and he knows it. “Are you really-”
“Am I trying to- to run to you? Yeah, but I-I’m so out of shape,” Riku pants. Normally Sion would find that endearing but now he finds this whole thing very devastating, Riku braving the cold night on his behalf. “Sion, the thing about you is that you’re so- you make me so-”
Tears stream down Sion’s cheeks even though he’s not really crying, not actually. “What?” He’s so scared of the answer.
“You’re the first man who’s ever said sorry for- for being closeted. Everyone else was always- they wanted- they never wanted to be open about me,” Riku hisses through a pant. “But you- you’re so- Sion, I-”
“Who would want to hide you,” Sion sniffles, his voice miserable.
Riku laughs a breathless sound. “That’s what I mean. You’re so good and I need to kiss you.”
Sion stares down at his phone as tear after tear streams down his face. Sometimes he’s still in so much denial, the nice things Riku says about him and all the praise he’s always showering on him. But Riku isn’t- he thinks back to Yushi, less than a week ago. Riku is good for Megumi because he knows how to be selfish. Sion can’t even breathe. What does it mean for Riku to be selfish about him?
He sniffles again. He wipes his eyes with a shaking hand. “But I got mad over something so stupid…” Sion sounds petulant even to his own ears.
But Riku only laughs again, this time the sound louder. It echoes in the streets, through the trees. “Sion. Sion, I- I’ve waited so long for you to get mad about anything. I want you to throw a tantrum over me! I-”
“But I shouldn’t,” Sion defends on instinct, because he knows how old he is and what he’s lived through and he can’t believe that even now he is still so pathetic. “Riku, I don’t want you to see me like-”
“I’ve never understood why you aren’t angry,” Riku speaks over him so simply, so easily, as if the thought is an obvious one. “Sion. I wanted to know why- why don’t you ever get mad?”
Maybe this should be obvious, again, considering Sion’s age and all the bullshit he’s lived through. But it still catches him off guard, his eyes widening at the question. Why would Riku even ask? It feels like a no-brainer; Sion’s always thought of anger as a moral failure of some kind, something he is too mature for. But Sion’s also always been angry, is the thing. He’s always been mad and he’s always refused to let anyone know.
“I-” Sion doesn’t know what to say. “Well. Well, I don’t- I just shouldn’t.” It comes out like a question, though.
“But why not?” Riku needles, because of course he does. “If I were you, I’d be- I’d be so upset all the time.”
It’s a little silly because Riku is a very responsible and mature person, of course, but he’s always had a naive edge to him that Sion finds very endearing. Sometimes he can be so black-and-white and Sion, in comparison, has never had any choice but to live in a grey area. He wants to speak back on impulse because this is- this is ridiculous. Sion doesn’t deserve to be angry, does he? Does he? He doesn’t, right, of course he doesn’t.
But I am angry, he thinks. I’m so angry that it’s slowly killing me and I didn’t want you to know that.
“I just…” Sion’s voice comes out confused. “I just shouldn’t, though.”
But it doesn’t matter what he says, really, because Riku knows better than to believe one of his lies. “Except I think you should,” Riku says. He pants, and then he chuckles. “I mean, it’s just- Sion, I wish you were angry. Doesn’t this- doesn’t all of this upset you?”
His words aren’t anything poignant but they echo, somehow, and all at once a crack appears in the wall Sion has kept around himself for as long as he can remember. A tear tracks down his face, a single one. Sion closes his eyes. Oh, god, it makes me so upset that I could die. I’m upset all the time. I can’t tell you the last time I wasn’t. And somehow, of all things, that’s-
Sion can feel it, then. He can feel his facade break. Or, well, it doesn’t break; it shatters.
It just- should just be a given, shouldn’t it? All of this is a given. Resentment lives in Sion’s marrow and he has lived this way for decades, letting the anger stew and stew and stew. He resists even when it eats at him, even when he can’t sleep, even when he comes home from work and the only adult to take care of things is still, still, still him. Sion resists on principle even when it sings out to him in a familiar, sing-song voice: When will it finally get to you? When will you finally let yourself feel it? Are you going to play nice forever or will you finally admit that you are going to die bitter?
Whose sake do you hide for? Yours or Megumi’s? Oh Sion, when will you finally stop trying to run?
Something in Sion’s chest heaves and that catches him off guard, too, the sudden feeling like his heart is seizing. Sion blinks, hard, and he doesn’t know what to think or say because he cannot- he cannot face the truth. He doesn’t want to, actually, because the truth might literally kill him. “I don’t- Riku, I shouldn’t- I can’t be angry.”
“Why not?” Again, Riku knows just how to needle it out of him because even though they’ve known each other for less than a year it’s like Riku can already read him down to the molecule. “Sion, why can’t you be angry? Hasn’t- so much has happened to you, so why-”
“I shouldn’t,” Sion repeats. His voice breaks. “I don’t want you to- I don’t want Megumi to know that-”
“Sion, you grew up Christian on a farm in the middle of nowhere. No offense, I- you know that.” Riku is still panting but somehow his voice still comes across as firm, crystal clear as ever. “Everything you’ve told me is like- well, I know how you are. You’ve always been good and done the right thing, haven’t you?” Then he laughs again. “Don’t argue, I know you have.”
Sion can’t even say anything. He can only feel tears keep dripping down his face, his mouth dry as Riku speaks to him over the line. He breathes. He tries: “But I…” But he has no defenses left. He has nothing.
“Sion, you’ve always- you’re selfless. And your wife abandoned you and Gumi. And you still- you’ve never complained to me even once, about Megumi.” Riku’s laugh is breathless, humorless. “Did you know that? When we were in the park, you said that- you kept saying you were fine with it. You act like nothing bothers you but I know how hard you have it.”
Sion closes his eyes because he’s true and he knows it. His hands clench into fists in his lap and he still feels thirty years old and hopeless, sitting in a court room with Megumi in his lap and Tsuchiko refusing to meet his eyes. “I-” Sion’s eyes squeeze shut and his voice comes out broken. “I don’t-”
“I’ve always wondered what it’d take for you to get- for you to get upset with me or Megumi or- or anyone,” Riku sounds fond, somehow. How is that even possible? “I want you to be angry, Sion. You should be angry.”
This is so- it’s not fair. It’s not fair that Riku always knows just what to say to break him down, to make him soft, to make his heart stop and let those words digest for the first time in- in ever, maybe. Sion hates it but he knows deep down that Riku is right. Of course he is. Hasn’t he lived his whole life being selfless? And hasn’t Sion always seen that as a given? But for how long is he supposed to-
He’s been doing it alone, giving up everything he has to care for his kid and the sacrifice has drained him. And only Riku could make him realize that, huh.
Sion presses a hand to his chest, something that feels like fear-but-not growing in his sternum. “I don’t-” The realization is something he knew was inevitable, but still, he didn’t plan for it to find him on a night like tonight. But it floods his mind now, all the thoughts he refuses to think and all the resentment that has been eating away at his resolve for years and years and years and years. How long is Sion supposed to feel guilt over Tsuchiko’s abandonment? For how long is he supposed to feel ashamed over his failure to take over the farm? For how long will he still be holding onto Megumi as she whines into his neck and he cannot cry - he refuses to cry - because he is all she has, he is all she has ever had, he is all she will ever have. How long is he supposed to ignore the fact that a lifetime of sacrifice has broken him?
The revelation is a cruel one even though it’s not anything he didn’t know, deep down. But it still hurts. Sion doesn’t even know what to do about this. The thoughts and the feelings he’s been stamping down, down, down feel like they’re going to drown him. It’s- there’s so much anger he’s been biting back; even in his heart he’s so fucking angry. Sion nails dig into his skin and for the first time he lets himself really digest it, working himself to death and feeding himself scraps so Megumi could eat a full meal and downing Advil through something as meager as a cold because he had to be a parent before he could be sick or weak or tired. Sion thinks about it, taking the job in Japan, letting people’s stares follow him wherever he went, his resignation throughout the past four years because Tsuchiko had decided to leave and Sion could not dissuade her. Megumi always came before anyone, even his wife; even himself.
Something like an involuntary sob leaves Sion’s throat and it literally hurts because he’s never- he hasn’t even given himself more than five minutes in the morning and a few more at night to let himself feel bad about all of this. But he feels it now, the hurt that aches down to his bones. It aches and he knew this was coming, but still- but still, he- he had run for so long, didn’t he? He’s been running and he’s tired. He’s exhausted. He has no energy left for anything.
Yushi’s voice always haunts him whenever he has these moments because it’s always Yushi who points it out first: Megumi can see the way you treat yourself, hyung. One day it’s gonna catch up to you. Sion always took that as a challenge to never let his kid see his weakness, but when solo parenting that’s truly impossible, isn’t it? Sion isn’t someone who yells when he’s angry or frustrated, and so Megumi’s never actually heard him raise his voice at her. Sion refuses to. The second he felt the urge to yell he’d always cut his voice off and hang his head and think to himself how could I let myself be another thing for her to be scared of?
But Sion’s been running on empty for as long as he can remember and he is so, so, so unbelievably tired. He doesn’t want to yell; he just wants to cry.
“Riku,” Sion says. It comes out broken and defeated and more like a warble than anything. Sion doesn’t even recognize his own voice because he has never once in his thirty-four years of life felt as sad as he feels now. Sion is- he’s beside himself. He doesn’t know what to feel or what to say and he is so- he is-
“Y-yes?” Riku huffs. “I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you that in person. But I mean it, okay? I really-” Somehow the affection still shines through. “Sion, I want you to be selfish, too.”
Sion’s shoulders heave and a tear rolls all the way down his nose, his cheek, his jaw. “I don’t know if I-” But that feels wrong, too, still denying himself. So he only sniffles. “Are you close by?”
His voice is so low and sad and pathetic. “T-two minutes!” Riku wheezes. “Hold on for me, okay?”
It’s almost funny. This has been brewing for years and years and years, and with the flood of thoughts he’s thinking, Sion’s mind fights between visceral anger and visceral sadness and even worse, quiet; empty; nothing. Sion doesn’t even know what he’s thinking as he rests his phone down on the table and he takes his face into his hands, his tears still falling. His chest won’t stop heaving and it’s like he so badly wants to cry, like genuinely cry, but he still doesn’t know how to let himself give in. He still doesn’t want to admit that he’s tired and angry and hates himself. Shouldn’t he know better by now? How can he be left with this kind of responsibility and still let himself complain?
It’s just a given. Sion is always thinking of Megumi first, first, first because of course he is. Because he just has to, you know, that’s the responsibility of a single parent and so that’s what he does. But Sion has had no one who puts him first and for every good day of parenting is another dozen nights where he stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and wonders when he will finally be strong enough and mature enough and capable enough to care for himself, too. He wonders when Megumi will finally realize just how weak her Appa is. He wonders when she’ll find out that he has given her everything he has and it’s still not good enough. And that day will- it’ll kill him. If Megumi ever hates him, he’ll die.
Sion’s fingers dig into his eyes. Riku is breathless on the other side of the call as he asks: “I’m- where are you?”
It’s kind of dumb; Sion’s such a habitual person. He wants to keep hiding alone in the office so he can grapple with the very things he’s been denying himself for so many years. But Sion’s throat seizes up and he wants to let Riku see him like this, small and crying and defeated. For the very first time maybe ever, he wants someone to see him.
That’s new. But Sion tells him: “I’m in Yushi’s office.”
“Okay, got it. Don’t move.” Riku huffs just once, like he really means it, and then he hangs up.
Usually Sion would use the time alone - the silence - to think back on everything about himself that he hates. It just comes to him even when he doesn’t ask it to and Sion is used to that, knowing at the end of the day he can always blame himself instead of anyone else. It’s so easy to hate yourself when you’ve made as many bad choices as he has, and it’s easy to feel doomed when there are mornings you have to beg your daughter to eat her food because there’s nothing else in your fridge, and it’s easy to feel weak and pathetic and useless when you have to take pills to sleep at night because otherwise your nightmares will make you wake up screaming.
But now Sion’s mind is empty and it’s still a little hard to breathe and he doesn’t want to hate himself anymore. He looks up when the door to the office loudly rattles open and standing in the doorway is Riku, his chest also heaving. That’s the funny thing, right? Sion’s spent so many years having nothing but his self hatred and yet Riku still comes running to him.
Riku takes in a huge gulp of a breath. And then he smiles something tiny, fond, something actually real. “Sion-san. Hi. I- I missed you.”
God. Sion can always count on Riku to break him even when he’s fighting everything to stay strong. Somehow Riku’s easy smile and windswept hair and pink cheeks is enough to shatter the last shred of hatred he has left, it’s enough to open the floodgates. Riku is in basketball shorts and a tank top and yet he ran here in the cold; that’s what breaks Sion for real.
Riku thinks of him and runs to him and is so good to him. And so, after countless years of doing everything he could to keep up his facade, Oh Sion finally, finally, finally loses it.
“I-” A sob rips from his chest faster than he can stop it because he’s always been alone but Riku is here and he’s here for him. Sion sounds so much like Megumi now, wailing more than he is speaking. He just- he doesn’t have any defenses left and he’s exhausted. “Riku, I’m so fucking tired. I can’t- I can’t do this anymore.”
Sion’s never cried like this before, not even when he realized that he was bi or when he got divorced or when he moved to Japan with nothing besides his daughter and his own hands. He always thought saying these words and crying like this would feel humiliating - because of course it would - but now he’s just exhausted. Sion has nothing left within him and the pain erupts from his chest. He shudders on his next breath, the first breath he’s ever taken without swallowing down his shame first.
It’s like finally being able to breathe for the first time in his life. And that is- fucking hell. Fucking hell, this is terrible.
Riku comes right to Sion’s side and of course Sion can’t fend him off. He just- he can’t. He refuses to deny himself anything more than what he’s been denying himself for years and years and years. Riku takes Sion’s face in both of his hands and Sion lets himself be cradled, touched, loved, seen for who he really is.
“I-it’s okay, Sion.” Riku’s still a little short of breath but he presses their foreheads together. “You’ve been so brave. But I’m here for you, okay?”
God, it’s not fair how sweet Riku is to him even while knowing all the secrets he’s been keeping. Sion can’t help that he chuckles, though the sound is bitter through his tears; it’s just funny in a very terrible way how Riku can see right through him. “I’m tired,” he cries, and then he laughs again. “Riku, I’m so tired. I’m tired and I don’t want to hate myself anymore.”
“You don’t have to,” Riku tells him. Sion wants to argue but the even worse, even more terrible thing is that he’s right. “You can be tired, Sion. You don’t have to do anything.”
Sion’s throat sobs again and Riku coos at him as he wipes his tears. It’s still hard for him to hear these things; all he knows is to work himself down to nothing. But he can’t do that anymore. He will- he will die if he lives like this for another fucking second. He just can’t do it.
“Riku, I- I’ve been doing this alone for so long. And I never complained.” Sion’s voice is still broken and fragile as his hands circle Riku’s wrists and squeeze. The tears won’t stop coming and he sniffles and he cries. “But I want to be a little selfish, if I’m really allowed to be. If I’m-” He can’t even say it. If I’m allowed to love you, if I’m allowed to love myself.
Riku’s thumbs trail over the high of Sion’s cheekbones. They used to be more gaunt six months ago, back before they were dating and Sion barely made any time for himself. But six months of dates and indulgent meals have changed that, haven’t they? Sion shudders when Riku tells him: “Of course. I’ve been wanting you to be selfish for… for a while, honestly.” Then he smiles something weak. It’s weak but it’s real and it’s realer than anything else.
“But I don’t know how to do that. I don't know how to let myself want anything besides…” Sion closes his eyes as tears track down his face. “You’re the only thing I’ve ever been selfish about.”
Sion’s voice is so delicate that he’s not sure if he’s speaking at all. But Riku squeezes him a little tighter and it’s- he’s glad he’s here. In many ways it’s like a gut punch for Sion to admit something like this but he’s had nothing but his own worn, calloused hands for years and this is just the truth, isn’t it? Sion feels like he’s at the end of the line as Riku wipes his tears; he’s willing to admit defeat. Finally.
There’s nothing left of himself to hate, is there. He’s run through everything and he can’t keep this up any longer. Sion finally has someone to hold him and the facade of a capable, confident, never-struggling parent is- it’s dead. Sion tries to smile but the tears don’t stop as Riku’s thumbs dab them away; even though they don’t stop falling, he doesn’t relent.
Riku’s smile grows. “I can help you learn, if you want.” His voice is gentle. “I meant what I said. So much happened to you. And I think you’d feel better if you let yourself get a little angry.”
Sion sniffles through watery eyes. Of course his automatic reflex is to disagree. But his voice warbles even as he says: “I’ve always been angry, though. I’m just good at hiding it.”
Riku's smile widens even more. He presses a kiss to the corner of Sion’s mouth. “Sion-san, that’s called repression.”
God. Of course he’d catch that. Sion can’t even feel embarrassed that Riku can read him so easily, though it’s not like Sion is a particularly good liar. He’s just good at playing his role as a capable hyung; it’s all he really knows. But now the things Sion’s been running from are catching up to him and he-
“I know,” he mumbles. “But how can I complain? I’m all Megumi has and she… I don’t want to make her life any harder than it already is.”
Again, Sion’s voice is barely-there. He’s not sobbing anymore but the sniffles and the tears don’t stop and he doesn’t know if they ever will. Sion’s not an especially vocal person when it comes down to it - it’s not like him to cry like this. But the agony slowly pours out, his exhaustion.
Riku hums. And then, without any qualms at all, he climbs into Sion’s lap. Which he should’ve- he should’ve seen that coming. The chair groans under their combined weight as Riku sits sideways atop of him and again cups Sion’s cheek. He’s still smiling. He presses in close and it’s like he belongs there and Sion wants him to belong there, to him, forever.
“The thing about Megumi, I’ve noticed,” Riku presses their cheeks together, “is that she loves you a lot. And when you’re happy, so is she.”
Sion sucks in a breath. Because yeah, a lot of people seem to be telling him that recently. But Megumi is a very easy kid to please and it’s hard to grapple with that, sometimes, when it’s just the two of them. Sion wants to move mountains for her but all Megumi wants is to nap in his arms after a good meal.
God, the thought makes him ache. “I guess I’m projecting a bit,” Sion exhales in a low, defeated voice. He rubs at his eyes and they sting. “But it’s really hard to think about myself when she needs me. And yet, I’m still…” Sion closes his eyes.
“That doesn’t make the anger go away, does it.” Riku only grunts when Sion squeezes his arms around his waist because he hates that Riku is even able to get this out of him. Then his boyfriend’s voice turns a little smug: “Wow, I’ve got you all figured out.”
Sion digs his face into Riku’s shoulder. “You do,” he admits. “But I don’t know. I’ve been so angry for so long and it- it keeps me grounded. Or at least it used to.” Sion doesn’t know how to elaborate on that, his face wetting the sleeve of Riku’s tank. Maybe the issue is that it’s easier to stay scared rather than love himself. No, yeah, that’s definitely it.
Riku’s hand skates up his nape. His fingers run through Sion’s hair. “But you said you didn’t want to hate yourself anymore.” So he sees it too, huh.
Sion can only sigh. “I did.” And then, more honest than he’s been in a long time: “I don’t want to be angry anymore, either. Because it just makes me-” He can barely say it when the words are so intimidating. The more angry I am, the more determined I am to punish myself for it. “It feels like I’m gonna just be resentful forever.” Sion thinks that sounds like a less doomed way to put it.
Riku just nods and hums a quiet, affirmative sound. That’s how he is, you know. He’s always been so easily-accepting. His fingers curl over Sion’s jaw and wipe away his lingering tears. “Then tell me about it. Tell me what makes you angry.”
He offers it so easily like lending an ear to thirty-four years of pain is no burden at all. And out of habit, it just feels- Sion chuckles once more. The sound is self-defeating because he’s defeated. He’s been pushing this off for as long as he was humanly able to and Sion doesn’t think he’s ever tried to be fully honest with anyone before. But he’s willing to, maybe. He can try to be.
“Do you really want to know?” Sion asks even though he already knows Riku’s answer. Riku is something he has no control over but Riku, somehow, is also the most consistent thing in his life.
So of course his boyfriend doesn’t even blink. “I do. I want to know everything about you.”
God. No one’s cared this much about his feelings before and Sion needs to let this out, or what, he’s angry forever? He doesn’t want to die angry. He wants to be the kind, loving, capable person everyone thinks he is. So he only squeezes Riku in close again and says again, tired: “Okay. Then should I start at the beginning?”
Riku’s fingers skirt down his arm to lace with this. “Yeah.” And so, for the first time ever, Sion bares his heart for real.
It’s nice to have a starting point for this, he thinks, because he’s been angrier for longer than he can remember and the real beginning was a long time ago. Thirty-four years ago, to be exact. Oh Sion was born on a dreary late spring day in a hospital in Mokpo. He is named “Sion” as in “Zion” as in “holy place.” His parents are third generation dairy farmers. His family has had this land since before the onset of the Korean War, a war that many uncles fought in and many other family members died as what is lovingly referred to in textbooks as “citizen casualties”. Sion’s grandparents converted to Christianity when Mokpo became home to naval bases and with them came an influx of American Protestant soldiers with bibles in their pockets and cross necklaces resting over their hearts. Oh Sion is baptized as his parents’ first born son, the inheritor of their precious farm, a baby boy born from a bloodline of a terror with a legacy of sacrifice he has been long-fated to honor.
And then, you know, Sion promptly spends the next thirty-four years of his life fucking up that legacy. But that’s something he only knows in hindsight after decades of church and hiding in the shadows and making him small, malleable, selfless on impulse. Thirty-four years later he sits in the dark of Yushi’s office in Japan and he cries into Riku’s shoulder.
“I’ve always tried my best,” is all Sion can say, really, even after everything. “If nothing else, I did my best. That’s how I- that’s how I look at it.”
“You did,” Riku agrees simply. It’s because he is good and he is sweet and he is more than Sion deserves, he thinks, though he’s starting to think he needs to stop making himself think so hard about what he deserves or not.
So, you know. At least there’s that.
“I really tried so hard,” Sion echoes, his voice a breath. “And I- and, you know. You know how I was raised. So it’s kinda…” It’s innate, he doesn’t say, it was expected of me and so I’ve spent my whole life trying to kill myself over something I was never gonna live up to.
“Yeah,” Riku squeezes his hand. And as always, Riku listens. So Sion keeps talking.
It takes some effort to keep his composure when he really looks back on his childhood because Sion has spent a good deal of his adult years promptly forgetting about all of it. But he still remembers anyway. His upbringing was pretty unremarkable by most metrics; for the first ten years of his life he was in every way the epitome of boy. He watched cartoons, he played soccer during his lunch breaks, he cheered for the KIA Tigers on the TV because his Appa told him to. But when Oh Sion is in fifth grade, a boy from Seoul transfers into his class and immediately tears his entire reality apart.
“Your first gay crush,” Riku smiles into his temple. “That’s cute.”
Sion swallows down the impulse to deny that. But that’s only because at the time it wasn’t cute, it was terrible and life-ruining and it felt like he had finally awoken from a very long, very hazy dream and into a nightmare. But Sion still closes his eyes and he still remembers being ten years old and finally noticing the appeal of some of the other boys in his class and still, it was- it was so innocent. That’s the thing the Church will make you forget, how innocent the attraction inherently is.
“...It was so dumb,” Sion sighs. If he tried he could maybe smile at the memory. “I can barely remember what he looked like. But it was the first time I ever liked another guy.”
The fact that he came into that kind of self-realization so early on is kind of funny in retrospect, because even by ten years old Oh Sion knew that homosexuality was bad. It was a sin, you know, it sends you to hell, though to be honest he didn’t believe much in hell when he was ten and he never really did to begin with. But it’s the principle of it, isn’t it? Being gay is wrong and it was inevitable that he thought that between going to an all-boys Catholic school and church twice a week; Sion had assumed correctly that he wasn’t gay, either, because Lee Hyorin made his stomach flop over when they played her music videos on TV, and like all the other boys, he would stare out the classroom window whenever female students from a nearby school passed by the schoolgates in their skirts. But Sion found Soohyun from Seoul to be very pretty in a way that no one else had ever been to him. Bangs hung in his eyes and his features were big, soft, cute, kind of overwhelmingly beautiful. He sat on the other side of the room and Sion had still straightened in his seat, fixed his crooked collar, and stared down at his lap with bright red ears.
That was the thing - Sion was ten when he knew he wasn’t gay. But that’s also when he learned that he wasn’t straight, either. Sion had never been so sure in his life that he liked someone and it was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to him.
“Because of the Christian stuff,” Riku correctly guesses. “You said you don’t even believe in god.”
“I don’t. And I never really did, either.” Sion can’t even explain the feelings it gives him, the Church and growing up under those teachings. Not believing in god never absolved him of the fear because hell wasn’t real but everyone’s eyes and his father’s belt and the Ten Commandments drilled into their brains were very, very, frighteningly real. “But it didn’t matter if I did, it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
Riku’s voice is light. “I guess that’s true.” He squeezes Sion’s hand and he’s so steady and firm and here, which is nice. Sion’s just- he’s tired but it feels good, he thinks, to finally say some of this out loud.
“When I realized, I don’t think I was ashamed at first. It just felt right, that, um. That I liked guys and also girls.” Sion squeezes Riku’s hand back and sighs into his shoulder. “But then I grew up and it got scarier, you know? The idea of someone finding out made me more scared.”
Riku’s hand, still resting over his nape, is gentle. “Yeah, I- I know what you mean.” And then he says: “Tell me about that, though.”
Sion’s smile is something wry. “Really, you already know.” But then Riku squeezes him and he relents anyway. “Okay, well, it was terrible.”
Riku noses into his cheek and huffs out a laugh. “It was, huh?”
Nothing about this is really funny but Sion noses back at him and sighs, wanting to laugh too. “It was. It was really so…” Well, really, it was so many things that it’s hard to name all of them.
“Yeah,” Riku holds him close. “I get it.”
Everything in hindsight is very obvious to him now, but that’s because Sion is thirty-four. Back then Sion had not known about bisexuality but he knew that both Soohyun and Jihyo from church made his heart skip a beat and that was real, too, that was a tangible feeling. Sion wasn’t stupid enough to tell anyone about his new revelation because in the same way he’s self-aware, he’s always known what would happen if he were to fail his parents’ expectations of him. So he kept quiet and he avoided Soohyun like the plague until the other boy transferred to Gwangju when they reached high school.
But the seed was planted and Sion knew it, then, the weight of his shame. He knew how dangerous it would be to tell anyone. Until college the only people he told were Siyeon and Yushi - Siyeon would never tell their parents a secret of his and Yushi, too, is obviously… he’s not great at acting on the straight is great bullshit, was he.
So. So, that’s just how it was. And Sion’s always lived like that, accepting the sacrifice without much thought: this is just how it is, and so I’ll do whatever it takes to be the man my parents want me to be.
“I still remember how I felt in high school,” Riku tells him. “It probably wasn’t as bad as you had it, but it was weird. And having to keep all of that a secret was-” He makes a face. “Well, like you said, it was terrible.”
Sion exhales. “Yeah.” It’s nice that they can relate that way, huh, though being queer kind of makes all of these feelings inevitable in one way or another. “I don’t think I even had it that bad, it was all just very strange…”
He trails off. Sion doesn’t think his childhood really had anything tragic about it. After all, how many queer guys in Korea resign themselves to the closet for the entirety of their lives? Sion doesn’t think he’s lived through anything unique or especially terrible. But Riku is right - his teen years were bizarre and it was hard to keep it to himself. At a certain point, the weight of a secret like that starts to crush you.
“What about your first gay crush, then,” Sion asks his boyfriend. “How old were you?”
“Fifteen. But before that I was really into anime boys, so, you know.” Riku sighs a little and leans hard into him. “The guy’s name was Mikoto. He was really hot and we were on the same volleyball team…”
“Wow,” Sion deadpans. “So he was hot, huh.”
Riku grins. “Shut up. I think you’re better-looking anyway.” His hand cups Sion’s cheek. “Plus you’re, like, manly and stuff.”
Of course he’d say that. Sion wouldn’t consider himself to be anything close to the epitome of masculinity but he supposes that being thirty-four years old kind of makes him win over a high schooler by default. But then something about that feels a little- hold on. Sion stares up at his boyfriend, hard. “Oi, Riku. The guy was older, wasn’t he.” It’s not a question.
Riku balks. “How- how did you know?”
Wow, so this has been a lifelong thing. Sion has to close his eyes as he huffs out a laugh. “God, you’ve really always been like this, huh.”
Riku pouts. “I-” He can’t defend himself, either, because it’s true. “What’s wrong with having preferences?”
It’s just a little funny. Sion leans his head on his shoulder and smiles. “Nothing. I kind of like that you’ve never changed…” It makes Sion wonder if he has, though he doubts it. The feeling like there are always eyes on him hasn’t gone away in about twenty-four years and it’s kind of made most of his life seem terrifying.
Riku lets Sion nose into him, though he makes a petulant little noise. “Don’t make fun of me. It’s not nice.”
God, he’s cute. Sion squeezes him. “I’m not.”
It feels inane to even mention most of this because Riku understands it, actually, the shift that happens during puberty when you’re stuck in the closet and feeling the weight of your secret in your bones. Sion remembers how it got a lot harder to stave off his desires once he was aware that he had them; it was hard when they consumed him. His childhood friends suddenly got tall and muscular and handsome and that innocent, boyish curiosity became- well. Sion is but a man, his shame was sometimes the only thing that could reel him in. But that desire only spurred on his thirst for freedom.
“Of course I felt the same,” Riku avoids his eyes. “You know, I’ve always liked what I like…”
Sion’s not sure if he wants to know exactly what that means. But in a way he can relate, that’s for sure, because those same features he saw on Soohyun are what drives him crazy about Riku now. “Hm. Me too.” He leans up to look Riku in the eyes. “I think I’ve always liked them pretty, like you.”
Riku’s eyes still avoid his gaze. “Sion,” his voice comes out stern. “Is now the time to be flirting?”
And, well, he has a point there. Sion smiles. “I guess not.”
Thinking about high school is a little silly, but again, it was probably the most pivotal point of Sion’s life. In his second year he decided he’d go to college in Seoul - he wanted four years to get away from Mokpo and the farm and everyone who knew him and he needed to get a single taste of freedom before doing what was expected of him. Which was, at the time, dying in the closet he built for himself. “And that- yeah. Same.” Riku huffs out a laugh. “I guess we really both grew up in really small towns, huh…”
Sion nods. He can imagine how jarring it’d be to go from the beaches of Fukui to the dim streets of Tokyo. The alleys probably didn’t look that different from Seoul’s; when it’s four AM and you’re doing everything you can to avoid having to return to your dorm and face your real life, everything starts to look pretty similar.
“I don’t know if it was then that I started really hating myself and- and resenting my parents. But when I went to college, I was really bitter.” Sion’s voice is still low and tired but it’s not as fragile as it was before, his tears finally starting to dry. It turns out that talking things out is therapeutic, huh. “But I think college was kind of gonna make me hate myself anyway. Most of the kids at the good schools are from Seoul but I was from a dairy farmer lineage, so…”
Riku nods. “That couldn’t have been fun.” He pets over Sion’s nape again.
But somehow, this is of all things is what makes Sion crack into a grin. “No, it wasn’t. All I had was my face.”
He’s not sure how Riku takes that out of context, but his boyfriend’s hand stills and his expression goes confused. Riku’s been rather subdued throughout this entire conversation, but Sion’s curveball really must catch him off guard because he asks: “Your… your face?” He blinks. “What does that mean?”
Sion’s chuckle is humorless, though he can admit a decade after college that there was something very funny about him using something so vain to his advantage. “It’s exactly that. The other kids were nicer to me because they thought I was hot. They even called me the idol of the business department.” Sion’s smile fades once the memories really start creeping back in, though, because he can still remember how desperate he was to fit in and that one thing was all he really had. “I mean, it wasn’t all bad. The girls gave me attention, so the guys at least had to act like they respected me. I was able to play by the books…”
Sion’s voice trails off. Riku hums. “And then you went to… um. What’s that place called? Itaewon?”
Of course Riku knows his history well enough to hazard a guess. But really, that’s just another thing they have in common; they were exploring similar streets in different cities and juggling with the same fears and everything. Sion smiles again. “Yeah. There was that too. I didn’t wanna admit it back then, but that’s why I tried so hard to get into SNU.” Then he sighs. “I knew if I didn’t go to Seoul then, then I wasn’t gonna ever get to- well. You know…”
Riku nods. “You got to do gay stuff.”
The way he puts it is silly but it’s still true, that’s the thing. College was Sion’s only opportunity to actually hook up with other men or date around and he’s not prideful enough to deny that, at least. “There was, like, a secret ring of us. Telling on each other was social suicide, so we all messed around with each other. And we dated, but barely.” Sion inhales; he exhales. “None of us could afford getting caught, so we were careful and it was all no-strings attached...”
Riku nods again, though this time much more slowly. This is something he can definitely understand, at least. “You didn’t have any choice. I get it.”
Sion lets Riku wipe away a lingering tear. He doesn’t feel calm now, not exactly, but he’s tired and he can’t deny any of this when it’s been weighing on him for over a decade. “Yeah. I had boyfriends but it was never all that serious. We would’ve all rather died than come out.” Sion’s not proud to say it, but hell, it’s still true.
Riku squeezes his hand and Sion closes his eyes, nuzzling into him. “That’s not your fault,” Riku tells him. “You had to keep yourself safe.”
It still feels sore to think about all of this, but now it’s been over ten years and Sion is thirty-four and he’s realizing that he’s not subject to the fate he thought he was. That’s the crazy thing - he’s not doomed to fear, not really. But back then he had been convinced of it. “I was so jealous of everyone else. And I hated my parents, or at least I hated how much I cared about what they thought of me.” Sion takes in another breath. “But it was like a dream to be in Seoul. I was always going to go back to the farm. I knew that. But for a while I got to play pretend and meet people who understood what it felt like…”
Riku presses in closer. “I felt the same. It was like finally meeting people you could be yourself around.” They are both so familiar with the fear of getting caught, huh. It hurts Sion’s heart to imagine Riku, also ten years younger, suffering from the same aches and pains.
“Yeah…” Sion breathes. He leans into Riku’s side and hugs him tight. “For those few years I really was free. And it was nice, kind of, even though I was scared. It felt like…” He closes his eyes. “Sometimes it felt like it was what my life was leading up to.”
Riku hums, hugging him back. “Gay sex, you mean.”
He’s so awful. Sion huffs a laugh and pinches him in the side. “Yeah. The gay sex was awesome…”
Sion trails off. Honestly he doesn’t really want to talk about what came after all of that because they both know what happened when Sion was twenty-four, and he- they both just know. But some aches will always ache and some cuts will always bleed and some things are hard not to regret with every fiber of your being. Megumi is proof of that, isn’t she, that Sion has so much to repent for.
But still, Riku pets over his hair and he reminds Sion of the inevitable: “But you met Tsuchiko.” The words aren’t said bitterly but they still echo.
God. It’s not like he can really beat around the bush about that, huh? At the tail end of college Sion had met the woman he would one day marry, and that is still maybe the biggest pain of his life. But it’s just- the pain will never leave him, will it. Sion sighs again.
There’s the empty pang of- of something ringing out in his heart. The mere mention of Tsuchiko’s name always brings on a lot of strong feelings. It used to be longing, it used to be sadness, it used to be visceral anger, now it’s something oddly detached. “Yeah.” Sion’s voice is hollow. “I met Tsuchiko and I- I fell in love with her. And it was suddenly so much easier to pretend that I wasn’t queer or that I wasn’t angry. And I got really good at playing the part everyone wanted me to.”
Sion reaches up to wipe his eyes again but Riku only leans back to give him room, which is- it’s good. It makes it easier to breathe, and Sion’s so fucking thankful that of all people to know him it ended up being Riku. The memories of that time of his life still sting, yes, even now. That’s the thing: his and Tsuchiko’s relationship is the wound that never healed and it probably never will. Megumi’s bedhead is a reminder of those early mornings in college and the expression she makes when she doesn’t like her food is a dead-copy of her mother’s and so the scab will always reopen again and again and again and it will always bleed and bleed and bleed because it just- it will. Megumi is the thing Sion would kill anything for, himself included, and her very existence is a reminder of the void her mother left behind.
But that’s fine. If anything, Tsuchiko is the one thing about Sion’s life he’s come to terms with. Something is always going to feel empty with just the two of them and even though he knows that, it’s- it’s fine.
Riku looks him in the eyes and his eyes are soft, they’re fond, they’re loving. That brings on a different kind of feeling. It’s more like hope, like those eyes are Sion’s future. “You had it hard,” he says, “but you did what you were supposed to.”
It’s insane how Riku, only six months into their relationship, knows him. Just the idea is- Sion laughs. Somehow it’s more mirthful this time, though he has no idea why. Riku has always understood him so easily and Riku has always accepted him without any second thought and everything that happened between him and Tsuchiko is fucking painful; there’s nothing funny about Megumi’s mom abandoning her when she was three. But Sion’s been dealing with this for so long that all he can do is laugh. He even has Riku now, and he’s so- it’s just-
“I-” Sion feels insane. “I did. I really did. I did everything I was supposed to.”
It’s just a little funny; Riku stares at him, though that’s probably because Sion’s grinning like an idiot. “Yeah. What’s that reaction supposed to mean?” He sounds like he did back in August, when Sion cried over how grown-up Megumi has become, and even that is funny. Megumi has grown up so much and Tsuchiko has no idea and Riku, so many years later, is still the only person who knows him.
“I’m fine,” Sion smiles. “I- I’m really fine. It just feels kinda silly.”
Riku blinks. He looks a little disturbed, but to be fair, Sion has been acting pretty disturbing today. He wipes at Sion’s eyes and that’s what makes Sion realize that despite his grin, he started tearing up again. “Are you really fine,” Riku murmurs. “Or are you doing the thing you always do…”
“No, it’s-” Sion’s smile drops as he sighs but it’s not because he’s bitter, for once, it’s just exhausting to explain all of this. “It’s not that. I just- God, sometimes I want to hate her so much.” He moves to rub at his eyes but Riku beats him to it, thumbing away his tears. “And I- I think I do hate her, at least a little bit. I resent her for leaving me. And I resent her for leaving Megumi, because Gumi’s-” Sion inhales a shaky breath. “Megumi’s never really known what it’s like to have a mom. And yet she’s perfect in every way.”
Riku presses in closer, his hand smoothing over Sion’s hair. “She is. And what Tsuchiko did to her was-” He cuts himself off. Sion has always appreciated that Riku’s never talked badly about Tsuchiko or even given much opinion of her at all, but you can hear the vitriol in his voice, now, and that’s fine too. Riku sucks in a breath. “What she did to Megumi was awful. I don’t know how you couldn’t be angry.”
Sion smiles again. Maybe he should feel guilty about it, the fact that he’s barely even angry about it anymore. Frustrated, yes, exhausted definitely. But on Megumi’s behalf shouldn’t he be furious? He doesn’t know. Sion doesn’t have the energy to be furious at Tsuchiko anymore, he can only quietly pick up everything she left behind and hold the pieces of their life together and try his best to be the kind of dad he was going to be regardless if she stayed or not. And Megumi is already… she’s about to turn eight. She’s known a life without her mom longer than they were all in the same house. And still, Megumi is a happy kid.
Most people just don’t understand that Sion’s already come to terms with the reality of everything that happened; they don’t get that the only thing he can feel for Tsuchiko, now, is sorry that she’ll never know how brilliant and sweet and kind their Megumi is. That’s the truth. Tsuchiko was the one who threw away her only opportunity to do something good for their kid and she chose to do it. So what does Sion still have to be upset about? There was never once when he was doing it alone and he had thought God, I wish Tsuchiko was here to help me. Never once. It’s always been just him and Sion knows that and it’s- he can’t even be mad about it.
Yes, he’s tired. And god, he needs help sometimes. But Sion isn’t mad that Tsuchiko left and he’s happy knowing that for the rest of her life, he’s Megumi’s only parent. He really is. No matter what the hell happens between him and Riku and anyone, the two of them will be okay because they have each other.
Sion smiles a small, tired, doing-alright smile. Megumi really is his balm that soothes all wounds, huh…
“Ah. I- to be honest, I don’t know how I feel.” He can only inhale and exhale as Riku helps him keep his face dry but he smiles, still, because at the core of this is still his perfect daughter whom he’d burn the world for. “I used to be really angry. But now, I just… I don’t know. How can I complain when she gave me my Megumi…”
Sion trails off and watches Riku’s face; his eyebrows are a little furrowed as he thumbs away the tears pooling under Sion’s eyes. But he doesn’t look upset, maybe just a bit confused. “How could you not complain, though? You’re doing it all on your own.” It comes off as a murmur, slightly petulant, and it’s a reminder that Riku is both five years younger than him and doesn’t have to set aside his resentment on behalf of his kid. It’s inherent, you know, and it makes it hard for Sion to really let himself be angry…
Sion closes his eyes. “But isn’t it a given? Single parenting, I mean. I’m all she has.” His hands flex on Riku’s shoulders. “The thing is that once you have a kid you kind of have to prioritize looking good in front of them, you know. And Megumi can read me.” He huffs out a laugh. “Yushi said she’s like a dog.”
And, well, it’s just true. Sion contends with this because it’s the plight of parenthood. But Riku exhales and he says nothing for a second, still dotingly wiping Sion’s tears away. But when Sion opens his eyes again, Riku’s gaze is a firm thing, a certain one.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t complain.” He says it gently but he obviously means every word. “You said it yourself, Sion. You’re tired. You’re allowed to be tired.”
God. That’s true, too. The awful part is that Sion knows Riku is right but he still has to bite back the guilt on principle. Isn’t this something that anyone in his position would feel? How can he complain about being tired? Megumi doesn’t have anyone else to rely on and so Sion has to be strong for her, that’s just- that’s just how it is. But sometimes he’s tired of having to be strong and always be focused on the next right thing because if he makes the wrong decision it’s not just him who will suffer. But that’s just… that’s just how it is…
And, well. That’s how it is and Sion is still exhausted. He is has been run ragged from years of solo parenting; it’s always been just him, it was just him even before Tsuchiko left. And now he’s at the end of the line and he has nothing left within him no matter what the right thing is.
“I just… I don’t want her to see me like this.” Sion’s voice is weary as Riku’s hands smooth down his shoulders and he exhales years and years and years of such little sleep and not nearly enough to eat and so much stress that it will most certainly kill him. Sion chuckles a little because even now he has to tamp down the honesty with some self depreciation. “I don’t want Megumi to be like me. She picks up the worst of my habits.”
He’s being honest. But Riku, of course, is unrelenting: “Sion, that’s not even true.” He says it like he means it and his palms are wide, bigger than Sion’s, enough to hold the entirety of him in his hands as he pulls him in a little closer. “You know, Megumi’s good because of you. All of her good traits are-” Riku’s eyes harden. “Sion, she’s just like you and that’s not a bad thing.”
He may have a point there. Maybe. But of course Sion doesn’t take that as a good thing because how can he. “But that’s not- I want her to be more-” Sion squeezes his eyes shut because he’s frustrated at the very idea, Megumi being impulsive and nervous and selfless because she thinks that’s the right thing to do. But fuck, isn’t she already like that? Hasn’t Sion already taught her the worst of himself?
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself again,” Riku brings him back down to earth before he can spiral. Sion’s fists clench in his lap and Riku closes his hands around them, squeezing and releasing his fingers one by one. It’s a slow movement, a careful one, as doting and loving and affectionate as ever. “Megumi isn’t really self-sacrificial, is she? But she’s kind. She thinks about what other people are feeling. She wants to make other people happy. She learned that from you, right?”
Sion is finding a hard time finding peace in that. “But I-” Sure, Megumi is autistic or at least something close. But she’s stubborn as all hell and she hates change and she is stringent about the things she likes, she is unrelenting, and Sion knows firsthand how those habits will ruin you. “Everything I hate about myself, Riku, I’m worried all of it’s in her.”
He’s being honest but he’s mostly just looking for permission to keep being afraid. But Riku doesn’t take the bait; he only hums, his hands gently squeezing each one of Sion’s fingers. “I don’t think that’s true. Megumi is self-critical just like you are. But she’s also loved, hm? Everyday she has you to show her how loved she is.” Riku’s fingers work at his palms, massaging the tension out of them. “Sion, you know why Megumi is so self-assured, right? It’s because you’ve taught her to be.”
Sion’s mouth goes dry. “I don’t… I don’t think she’s like that.” Though he knows, of course, that he’s lying.
Riku looks up at him and smiles something small. “She is, though. Megumi’s a happy kid and you’re the reason why.”
And, well. Surely that can’t be the revelation today that throws him the most off-guard because it just can’t be. Sion should know all of this; Megumi is stubborn and hates change and she is unrelenting but that’s because she knows she’s the smartest person in every room walks into and she knows not to be embarrassed of her interests and Sion never puts up a wall with her. He compromises, he listens to what she has to say, he redirects her when needed instead of shutting her down. He knows that, of course he does, he does all of those things on purpose because he refuses to let Megumi to be raised like he was. Sion does this all by design and everything he has done, period, is for her. Of course.
But still. It’s just- Sion has hated everything about himself for so, so long. It’d be easier if Megumi were charismatic and personable like her mom always was, it’d be easier if she wasn’t hyperactive like he is, it’d be easier if she had two parents. Has he given her the love of two parents? Has he done for her what two parents could? Has he really been enough?
Riku softens when he sees the fear play out on his face. “Sion,” he smooths down his arms. “You have to know that Megumi is so lovely because you are. Right?”
“I-” Sion speaks before he can think anything real, before he can think something he knows isn’t a lie he’s been telling himself. “I don’t know if…”
He says he doesn’t know, but deep down he does. Deep, deep, deep down Sion knows that everything good in Megumi could’ve only come from him. He doesn’t yell like Tsuchiko did, and sometimes Sion wonders if that’s why he feels so frustrated all the time. But Megumi is the light of his life and his baby genius and the sweetest girl he has ever known and Sion wants to- he wants to be good for her. And I am, he thinks. I’m good for her and that’s why Megumi is the best thing to ever happen to all of us.
Sion’s never let himself believe that before. He’s always been doubtful of his own parenting on instinct. But maybe he… he hasn’t done so bad, has he?
“Oh, I don’t… I…” Sion can barely think and his voice comes out more as a whine because there are tears pooling in his eyes again; he leans back into Riku’s shoulder to cry because he can’t be looked at while processing something like this. Sion didn’t think he was such a crybaby but now that his body is letting him, the sniffles start back up again. Riku’s arms pull him in tight and Sion’s voice comes out disbelieving, maybe a little horrified: “Do you really think she’s like that because of me?” He is so disbelieving, he didn’t think such a thing was possible.
“Who else?” Riku asks. And, well, that’s true. But still. “Sion, I don’t think you see yourself clearly. You’re like that too.”
“I-” Sion’s so caught off guard by this that he almost laughs again. Almost. But he still sounds mortified, of all things: “But I’m- I’m not.”
“No, you are. You’re self-assured, too.” Riku’s hand strokes over his hair. “You never hesitate, do you know that? Once you need to do something you always do it. And you always know the smart thing to do. That’s not a quality everyone has.”
Sion shakes in Riku’s arms because he knows that in his heart, quite honestly, and that’s the reason why over the past four years he has never hesitated to do the right thing for Megumi. That’s the thing about himself that Sion knows, the one real thing, that he’s always reliable. But that is- how could Riku say that after everything he’s put him through? “I’m just- I’m an idiot,” Sion is not quite sobbing but his voice is warbling. “I don’t know anything.”
“And neither does Megumi,” Riku points out. “She’s seven.”
Terribly enough, the reminder that someone so big to him is still so small gets a laugh startled out of Sion’s chest. It’s something incredulous but it’s a laugh all the same. “No, she…” He cries and rubs his face into Riku’s shoulder. “Riku, she’s so good. She’s smarter than me, I think.”
“That’s not true,” Riku hums in a low voice. His hand pets over Sion’s nape again. “And you know she wouldn’t be like that if it weren’t for you. You know that if- maybe I’m assuming, okay?” Riku squeezes him again. “But from what I know about Tsuchiko, I don’t think Megumi would be like how she is now if she grew up with a mom.”
God. Sion’s chest heaves. On impulse his brain says, no, she grew up worse because of me, but he knows that’s not true. Even Riku knows that because Riku was there six months ago when Megumi was smaller and more scared and a lot more clingy. And Riku has heard that when they first moved to Mokpo she hardly spoke to anyone at all, her grandparents included. And Riku knows, and Riku can see it, and Riku has seen more of the real Megumi than Tsuchiko ever has. Now there are times when no one can shut Megumi up and that would’ve never happened a year ago and she’s gotten so loud and tall and brave; every time she speaks Sion wants to sit there and listen to her talk for hours. For so long she never spoke at all. Or it’d be only to him, it’d be one word. Appa. Of all things, she still calls him the same way she did when she was a toddler in that cutesy, needy tone. Appa, you’re my favorite. Did you know that, Appa? Did you? Did you, because if you didn’t, I’m telling you right now!
“That’s…” Sion can’t even deny it. But still, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting all the same. He closes his eyes. “God, I really…”
Riku hums again. His hands are so big and warm; it’s insane that he ran here in the cold while barely wearing anything at all and yet he is so warm in Sion’s arms. “You know, I can’t understand what it’s like to be a single parent. I know that you have to do right by Megumi. But Tsuchiko left you with her, Sion, and it’s okay if you complain to me.” Riku’s fingers dance along Sion’s nape and he shivers, though then it makes him melt into him even more. “You know, you’ve had it hard. Megumi isn’t an easy kid to raise on your own.”
It’s funny. Sion’s heard it before but this is the moment in which he can digest it, finally, the burden he’s had with a kid who feels deeply and has separation anxiety and on principle struggles incessantly with most things. Sion exhales, and with it he breathes out just a bit of the stress and even that is- it’s insane how much weight he’s been carrying.
“No, she isn’t…” Sion’s eyes water. “I love her, but it’s so hard…” He doesn’t think he’s ever admitted that to anyone before.
But Riku’s voice is low, fond, still petting at him. “And Sion, you’ve worked so hard raising her.”
Sion’s eyes water more but he feels less controlled by his tears now. His arms squeeze around Riku’s waist. “I have…”
He never thought he'd say that even to himself, but it’s true. God, he’s worked his ass off because Sion never lets himself be less than perfect for his kid, and the fact that other people know that - the fact that other people can see that - makes him feel a smidge of pride, he thinks. Is this what pride feels like?
Riku nuzzles into his cheek. “You’ve done so well with her. So if you’re angry, sometimes, that’s okay too.”
God, he’s so good. Sion sighs into him, a tired and weary and defeated sigh. The affirmation helps, though even now he has mixed feelings about… well, his entire life, really. “I don’t think I’m angry at Tsuchiko. I- I definitely used to be. But what we have now is better than if she had stayed, you know? I have to think about that.” But then he closes his eyes and the tears just fall, fall, fall. “Gumi is my little angel. But I’m so worn down, Riku.”
Riku doesn’t relent, of course. He presses a kiss to Sion’s cheek, never mind that he’s still crying. “I know. It’s okay. You can be tired around me.”
Sion’s eyes squeeze shut. “Can I really?” His voice is tiny. “I’ve never been tired around anyone…”
But Riku kisses him, once, on the cheek. “You can.”
It’s oddly comforting to hear that after so many years of worrying and exhaustion and struggle. Sion finally, finally, finally shudders out a long sigh and something in his chest finally, finally, finally settles. Riku is so good and so kind and he is here. Isn’t that insane? Sion’s never really been tired around Riku, even when it’s just the two of them, because he’s used to keeping up the mask and punishing himself whenever he lets it slip. But Riku likes him just how he is, tired dad and all…
That’s new. He’s never let himself be tired or angry or upset in front of anyone before, not even Siyeon. Not even Yushi. It goes against Sion’s temperament to be fussy in general, and so he’s usually not. But Riku is- Riku wants to see him be fussy, too. How can one person be so good to him?
“I- I try my best. I don’t know if my best is enough, you know? There’s… there’s supposed to be two of us there for her.” Sion turns his head to sigh into Riku’s neck. His hands tighten over Riku’s waist. “I don’t know if I can always do it on my own. But I just have to. I have to love her like there’s two of us…”
Sion closes his eyes. Riku tilts his head down to look at him and Sion doesn’t look back because he can’t right now, because he can imagine the gentleness in Riku’s eyes and that might break something in him for real. “I think you have,” Riku tells him. “And even if you haven’t, Megumi doesn’t need two parents. You know how happy you make her.”
A fresh wave of tears come, but Sion can finally hear those words and taste them, you know, he can finally hear them and know that they’re true. He knows the kind of kid he has, doesn’t he? Megumi is easy to please and Sion has spent the past almost-eight years of his life reading her, learning her cues, being the best he can possibly be for her sake. It hurts but it isn’t life-ruining like he usually hurts; Sion finally knows that he isn’t the reason she suffers. He is so terrified that she’ll grow up and realize how little he was able to give her, but Megumi is such a happy kid and Sion is the reason why. Isn’t he the reason why? Isn’t she finally the smiley, excited, well-loved kid he always dreamed she’d become?
Sion smiles something tiny and afraid but grateful; he buries his face back into Riku’s neck. “Thank you,” Sion whispers. “I don’t- thank you.”
He doesn’t know what else to say, so he doesn’t. Riku smiles into his cheek. “You’re welcome, Sion,” he says. “I’m always going to be here for you. And I want you to trust me more than you trust anyone else…” Then Riku pauses. “Er, maybe that sounds kind of codependent.”
Sion laughs a little. “No, I want that. We can be a little codependent.” His hands run up Riku’s back. “I’m just glad you’re here. You’re really the best, Riku.”
Riku squeezes him. “Well, don’t thank me. I already told you that if you call me, I’ll come running.” And, well. He did, didn’t he?
He’s just so- god, he’s just amazing. Sion grins into Riku’s skin. It’s impossible to not love this man.
At least Sion finally feels calm enough to finally decompress from all of that, whatever that was. They sit there for several moments just breathing in tandem. His tears are mostly dried up but he doesn’t think that he could cry any more anyway, like, physically. Sion ignores the pounding in his head and just breathes and breathes and breathes into Riku’s collarbone, feeling weirdly comforted just by being held. He doesn’t know if anyone he’s dated has ever held him like this, either. But Riku tends to be very all-encompassing in a way no other person really is…
It’s good, which feels crazy to say now, but it is. This all feels good. Sion has spent a lot of the last few months feeling happy for the first time in years, but this feeling is something else entirely. Now he’s genuinely relieved. When was the last time he felt any relief at all? Sion doesn’t know. It's not their relationship that has done this to him, it’s not Riku’s affection for him, it’s not even what Riku has done for Megumi. But he finally has found someone who sees him and still loves him anyway, someone who adores him so much that Sion can’t even be angry at himself anymore. And isn’t that the thing that means the most to him after everything he’s been through?
Loving Riku makes him want to love himself, too. Sion finally wants to love himself like everyone else does. There’s no shame or fear or loathing or anything. He finally gets to just be happy. That is such a- wow. Even just the thought makes him feel fond.
“Now I’m kind of embarrassed…” Sion speaks after what feels like hours but is realistically only a few minutes. His voice is a little strained from all the crying but he still tries to fight through it anyway. “You know, I’ve never really said any of that to anyone before. But I’m happy that I have you to lean on.” Sion’s ears go red as Riku noses into him. “You know, if you really want me to...”
Sion pulls away just enough to look Riku in the eyes because he has pointedly been avoiding eye contact for most of this conversation. But Riku only smiles at him, as fond as ever. “No, that makes me really happy. That’s why I want to be codependent, y’know, because I want us to need each other.”
“I-” Sion smiles. “I can’t believe how you can always say things like that.” He means it, too.
But Riku only pecks him on the cheek and smushes himself there like the sweetest cat in the entire world. “Well, I mean it. I want to carry your burdens with you because you help me carry mine.” And, well, that’s definitely true. “If you want to be better for me, I want to be better for you, too, Sion.”
God. He’s really- can one person really be so perfect? Sion may be a little biased but that doesn’t change his feelings on the matter. “You’re already the best.”
He means it. Riku smiles, sly, and runs his hands over his shoulders. “You really think that, huh…”
Sion nods and leans into his touch. “I do. I-” He wishes he could say more, but right now is the wrong time. So he just keeps smiling. “I really, really do.”
It’s a little silly how easy it feels to just lean into the fondness now. The aftermath of the meltdown he just had should be severely humiliating but it’s hard for Sion to really feel any kind of shame now; he can finally let Riku’s words really sink in, he can finally understand that even the most flowery of things that he says are still only things he means. Sion chuckles a little when Riku leans in to peck him and nuzzle into his cheek. “Er, well, maybe we shouldn’t be too codependent…”
“Maybe.” Riku doesn’t seem to care much either way, kissing him again. “But if you wanted to quit working and have me provide for you and Gumi, I’d do it.”
And that is- it’s stupid and it shouldn’t be surprising at all. But still, Sion blinks, hard, and then a laugh rises out of him. It’s incredulous. “What are you- what are you saying?” He squeezes Riku in closer. “You already have me locked down, you don’t need to do anything more.”
Riku looks dead serious, though, or at least as serious as he can while having a sly little lilt to his mouth. “Well, I’m just saying that if my husband wants to retire early, I can be the sole provider. Anything you want, Sion, I’ll give it to you.” Sion’s pretty sure that Riku’s joking about the sole provider thing, but he’s also kind of a weirdo so it’s hard to tell.
And yet even then, it’s… it’s oddly flattering. Sion has never dated anyone who would say something even half as devoted as that. His ears redden even more. “Baby, you have a teacher’s salary.”
But of course Maeda Riku can’t be dissuaded so easily. Sion’s already let this man bite and claw his way into his heart, why would he stop there? “I’ll switch professions to provide for you and Megumi,” Riku continues in that serious tone, his face dropping into a very stern look. “I’ll work three jobs, I can become a neurosurgeon, I’ll-”
Sion grins, pinching at Riku’s cheek. “Seriously, what are you talking about?” He kisses him. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“I am,” Riku agrees, though for some reason he sounds a little smug. And he looks very, very pleased when Sion’s hand cups his cheek and pulls him back into another kiss, and then another and another. “But I wanna make you happy, Sion. You and Gumi.”
Sion just smiles. It’s something fond and a little defeated in the way that he can’t really fend Riku off anymore, his affection or his presence in his life or any of it. Though he never really has been able to do that, has he? The thought makes Sion bump their foreheads together. “You do make us happy, baby. Both me and Gumi.” Then he chuckles again when Riku noses into his cheek. “Ah, you’re really- you’re so cute. And you’re so good…”
“And I’m happy, too,” Riku tells him. “I finally got to see my boyfriend have a tantrum. It was long overdue.”
And, well, the reminder is a little more embarrassing. Sion’s smile turns slightly weary but he lets Riku squeeze at him again, again, again. He doesn’t exactly enjoy the thought nor the word “tantrum,” never mind that it’s true. He’s just always achingly aware of being thirty-four, you know, and even Megumi doesn’t have crying fits like that much anymore…
Sion sighs. “I- I’m not proud of myself.” But that only makes Riku hug him even tighter.
“No, it’s okay. You work harder than anyone I know, Sion, so I want you to ease up on yourself. Especially around me, okay? You can whine alllll you want.” Then Riku leans in closer with another sly little smile. “I’m your boyfriend. You can count on me, hyung.”
God. Sion, of course, has the impulse to deny all of that. But he needs to get a little more self-accepting, and so he only pulls a little at Riku’s ear for the hyung of it all. “What’d I tell you about saying that.” Though Riku’s right, huh? He really works his ass off.
It’s kind of funny because Sion normally wouldn’t let himself have that but he can admit that much now. He can’t think of anyone else who spends more of their life having to work nonstop or else they’ll be in perpetual existential dread, except for maybe Yushi, but that’s because Yushi’s also a chronic workaholic. So Sion exhales when Riku rubs his face into his cheek. Really, he can give himself this much credit…
“Yeah. And if you’re jealous, just tell me. I know you can’t come out to your family, but I still like you the most even if they can’t know.” Riku’s voice lowers a bit and he squeezes in as close as he can as Sion’s hands cup his face. “I like you so, so, so much, Sion. I like you more than anyone ever could.”
Sion's smile widens. Normally Riku’s relentless compliments and affection makes him feel a little overwhelmed but now he feels kind of smug about it, though that may or may not be because this is the first one up he’s gotten over Siyeon since the time her entire friend group had crushes on him when she was in middle school. “Are you sure?” Sion teases just for the principle of it. “You think I’m better-looking than Siyeon, right, kitty?”
His thumb brushes over Riku’s jaw, his bottom lip, and it’s almost devastating how quickly Riku can turn those wide eyes on him. “Yes.”
He’s silly. Sion only tees it up because Riku lets him, and so he needles a little more. “Really? I can tell you think she’s good-looking.” Sion’s thumb pulls at Riku’s bottom lip and his boyfriend only looks down at him with pleading eyes. “You know, your face is so obvious. You got flustered when she-”
“It’s only- it’s only because she’s just like you!” Riku whines and Sion almost feels bad with how apologetic he boyfriend is. But again, only almost. “Even her voice is- the tone is the same and- and you guys are like twins, so it’s just-”
Sion looks away and huffs out an amused, though slightly defeated sigh. “I’m not sure if I like that.” And to be fair, he’s only being honest.
“But I only like you!” Riku insists in a petulant voice, and wow, all the whining makes Sion’s facade crack. He smiles as Riku leans his head down to bury his face in his shoulder. “It’s only you… you’re the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen… and you’re sexy too…”
Sion chuckles. He pets a hand over Riku’s hair. “What else?”
“And you’re good with kids and you’re strong and you know how to do, uh, manly stuff.” For someone who supposedly has a list, Riku seems to be running low on compliments. “And you can cook and you dress well and you’re, like, so sexy-”
“Okay, you don’t have to- thank you, sorry.” Sion laughs a little and relents, finally, pulling Riku into a kiss even as his boyfriend pouts. “I’m sorry, baby. I needed to get a little revenge for earlier.”
Riku’s pout is persistent, though. “You’re welcome,” he murmurs and curls in closer. “But it’s a given, you know. ‘Cause you’re my h-husband.”
It’d be funny how Riku stumbles over the petname but he hides back in Sion’s neck and Sion can only squeeze him into another hug. This is nice. And it feels right, you know, the title, even though the only way they’d ever be husbands is if they eloped to Thailand. But that eases so much fear for him, the fact that there’s no inevitable threat of marriage after he already lived through catastrophe. And Riku is just- he’s cute. He’s so sweet and Sion wants to deserve to love him. He really does.
“Well thank you anyway, baby,” Sion squeezes a hand over his nape. “Should I call you my wife?”
He’s only teasing, but Riku freezes in his arms. “I’m- what?” He sounds aghast.
The reaction he has to just a little joke is so curious. Given that he’s usually indifferent to most gendered terms - he has called himself both Sion’s girlfriend and Megumi’s step-mom before - Sion grins even wider. His hand squeezes his boyfriend’s nape again, bringing Riku’s ear down to his own mouth. Sion coos: “Do you want to be my wife, baby?”
Again, he’s joking, but Riku genuinely flinches. It’s such a strong movement, actually, that Sion yelps when Riku jerks out of his lap and- he retreats up against the desk immediately, his face red.
“Um. Don’t call me that or else I’m gonna-” Riku puts two very demure hands over his crotch and that is- no fucking way. How can one person be so ridiculous?
Sion barks out a laugh when he realizes what Riku means. He can’t help it. “Riku, really? From- from that?”
Riku looks mortified even as Sion reaches up to cradle his face in his hands, even as he is pulled back in, even as he complains. “D-don’t make fun of me! Anyone would be honored to be your wife!”
Yeah, he’s so ridiculous. Sion squeezes him back into a hug. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” He grins into his skin. “I won’t say it again if that’s how you feel about it.”
But Riku, still stiff in his arms and pointedly putting distance between his crotch and Sion, only frowns. He says: “No, I just like it too much. So don’t let anyone else- only I can be your wife. Okay?”
Sion grins. “Yes, honey. It’s only you.”
As usual, they just end up cuddling. It calms Sion’s nervous system after he had probably the greatest freakout of his life, anyway, so he could use some calm after that chaos; Riku just runs his hands through his hair and they idly talk about what he and Daeyoung were up to before they called. Eventually Sion decides to check his phone because duty still calls no matter how he’s coping with things. It’s almost ten. He feels guilty that Megumi’s probably still awake because she refuses to put herself to bed unless Sion is there to kiss her goodnight, but the only text he got from Siyeon is an apology. Oppa, I’m sorry.
Sion smiles. He texts back: No, I’m sorry for having a fit. I just needed to calm down. I’m coming back now.
Siyeon’s typing bubble pops up and down a few times. But then she answers simply: Okay TT
And, well, at least there’s that. “I gotta go be a parent again,” Sion sighs to Riku. “I’m sorry I made you come here in… in this.”
He pulls at Riku’s flimsy tank. But his boyfriend only shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I got to see you in a yukata.” His hands smooth down Sion’s shoulders. Normally he’d tease, but today Riku’s expression goes a little more subdued. “Can I say hi to Gumi? I miss my baby, you know.”
Sion smiles. He supposes that in a way Megumi really does have the love of two people, just maybe not the kind he always imagined. “Of course. Let’s go.”
They pad back to the room in silence, walking side by side. Riku puts more distance between them than usual but thankfully when they pass through the lobby it’s Taiki, a local college student, at the front desk instead of Yui. So when they turn down the hallway to the suite rooms, Sion squeezes Riku’s hand. He thinks back to what his mom said earlier and a spike of annoyance arises on instinct but it’s fine. He has Riku no matter what, doesn’t he?
Riku squeezes his hand right back, sending Sion a smile. “You know,” he says. “You do look really good in a yukata.” His eyes are much less innocent, though, sweeping pointedly over Sion's chest.
Sion closes his yukata a little more firmly. And then he says: “You have a very naughty mind, you know.” Though a part of him is a little flattered that even after all of that, Riku is still the same as ever.
But of course Riku himself only grins an even wider grin, leaning into Sion’s side. “I’m only naughty about you.” And, well. That’s true enough.
Sion pinches him on the hip and leans his head down just enough to kiss him on the cheek. “You are. And it better stay that way, okay?”
Riku’s grin doesn’t change. “Yes, Daddy.” And then he laughs his ass off when Sion goes bright fucking red, because really, he walked into that one. For god’s sake, he really should’ve-
“No more of that,” Sion covers his face with his hand. “Seriously…”
It doesn’t take long for them to arrive at the room; Sion toes off his shoes before sliding the door open. He’s nervous for what’s about to happen but that’s kind of a given. Some of the lights are off so Sion sends a weary look around before calling out: “Are you guys awake?”
His voice is still a little hoarse. There’s a little hallway at the onset of the room so he can’t quite see anyone, but Megumi’s voice comes instantly: “Appa?”
Sion turns back to Riku with a tired smile. She doesn’t sound upset, at least. So inside they go.
He heads into the bedroom area. Siyeon’s curled up on a futon, still in her yukata. Megumi’s hair and clothes are predictably a mess, though Sion should’ve had her change into real PJs after the onsen. She bolts upright. “Appa!” And when Riku pokes his head in, she beams: “A-And Sensei!”
Sion ignores the knowing look Siyeon sends him. He only kneels down as Megumi crawls into his arms. “Hi, baby. Sorry for leaving. Your, um...” He looks back to Riku. “Your Sensei and I needed to have a talk…”
He cringes. Sion wants to be a good parent and communicate to Megumi that Appas, too, have tantrums. Or whatever you want to call it, at least, he also has those. But still, Sion’s never talked about this kind of thing with her and it’s already embarrassing enough that he cried in her arms a month ago. But Riku steps into the room and joins their hug and the tension ebbs out of all of them.
“It’s like how at school you’d need to leave the room to calm down, right? Sometimes your Appa needs to do that too.” Thank god for this beautiful, beautiful man. Sion sends Riku a grateful smile.
“Oh, okay,” Megumi says. Sion’s not sure how much of this information she’s genuinely internalizing because she’s sleepy and mostly just seems happy to have Riku there, too, but that’s fine. “‘S like how Sensei has to hug me at school. You have to hug Appa, too.”
Sion sighs. The fact that Megumi ropes Riku into her nonsense is still a little ridiculous to him, but Riku just laughs. “Yeah, exactly.”
At least everyone seems fine. And also Megumi, despite Sion visceral anxieties, isn’t traumatized by anything that happened tonight. But she leans back to rub at his eyes for him and coos in Korean: “Aigo, Appa. Did you cry?”
Sion smiles. “Yes, I did…”
It’s a little humiliating to admit that much but Megumi’s a little too observant for his comfort and hiding those things from her is, as always, impossible. But her words get Siyeon’s attention, who sits up and crawls over to his side, too. “Oppa, I’m sorry.” She really is quite his twin, bad posture and all. “I know that I was- I was being mean.”
And, well, this is already the most sincere apology Siyeon’s ever given him - a low bar to pass but still touching all the same - so it’s not like Sion can be very upset. “It’s okay.” He smiles when he pets over her hair and Siyeon makes a face at him. Can’t he do this much to his little sister? “Apologize to Riku, too.”
Siyeon frowns. “I-” But then she sighs, because obviously that’s a given; she turns to Riku and offers out a hand, switching into aggressively standard Japanese. “Sensei. I’m sorry for… um.” She turns back to Sion: “My vocabulary isn’t actually that good, Oppa.”
Sion smiles. “It’s okay.” And then he turns to Riku: “She promises to behave more.” And, well, whether that’s actually true is questionable but Sion’s not very worried. “But she’s still going to tease, I can tell you that much.”
“Oh, um. Okay!” Riku’s ears are red and admittedly that still peeves Sion out on like, a psychosexual level, though he supposes it makes sense. He and Siyeon are like the girl-boy version of each other. Riku shakes Siyeon’s hand with a nervous smile.
“Siyeon is Yushi’s age, you know,” Sion whispers to him. “So she’s not your type.”
Riku smiles turns very embarrassed. “What are you saying!” And then he turns back to Sion and properly scolds him: “You already know how much I- stop talking!”
He’s so cute, hiding his face back in Sion’s shoulder, who smiles. His eyes meet Siyeon’s, who has always been critical of the people he’s dated because they were all very similar, usually privileged girls from wealthy families who were drawn in first and foremost by Sion’s face. But she can tell this is different, Sion knows, because he’s never seen Siyeon look at him like this before. Her eyes are wide as she watches Riku curl into him and it’s like she really sees him. Not as her big brother, he hopes, but as just him.
For a second, Siyeon stares. But then she grins. Her face is his own but it’s smiling in a way he’s never smiled and she mouths: You love him.
Sion blushes. But he still nods. Because, like, you know. Of course he does.
Eventually they have to let Riku go home. They both tuck Megumi into bed - at this point that’s just routine anyway - and then Sion pulls Riku back into the genkan to brandish his jacket and sweatpants from the closet. “Wear these,” Sion tells him. “Otherwise you’ll freeze.”
“I won’t freeze,” Riku tries. But he ends up relenting anyway, pulling the sweats up over his shorts and letting Sion shrug the jacket over his shoulders. He makes a face when Sion zips it up to his chin. “I’m not Gumi, you know.”
“You’re not,” Sion agrees. He cups Riku’s cheek and leans down to kiss him. “But I don’t want you to get sick after you came here just for me. Okay? Keep yourself warm.”
Riku looks up at him with those familiar boba eyes, but he leans into Sion’s palm. “But now you’re gonna be cold...”
Sion can only smile, his palm curling around the back of Riku’s neck to squeeze at his nape. “I’ll be okay.” He kisses Riku again. “You ran all the way here. Hm?” He kisses him once more. “I can drive home.” Then there’s another kiss, and another and-
“Okay.” It’s always funny how obedient Riku is once Sion really tells him to do something, his eyes a little dazed when Sion finally pulls away. He then only reaches out for a hug. “I- you’ll be okay?”
Sion hugs him back. “I will. Because of you.”
The smile he gets in return is worth all of it, honestly, even the pain. Riku’s grin is shy and his cheeks are red but god, he’s so beautiful. “Aw, okay. Just one more kiss, then.”
Sion sends him off after a few more, actually. Which is fine. His pants are too long on Riku’s legs and Riku trips a little bit as he leaves through the sliding door, but he’s grinning. “Then- then I’ll see you in a bit! I can’t wait to meet everyone!”
Sion smiles back. “Good. Text me when you get home.”
Riku's grin doesn’t falter. “I will!” And then he’s gone.
For a second Sion stands there as the door slides shut and he’s left in the silence. It’s the first real silence he’s had for a few days and it takes a second to sink in. His mind still grapples a little bit with the chaos of his life, the duty he has to see through and the people he loves and how on earth he will finally stop defaulting to resentment after so many years of it. He still wants to appease everyone and now that Riku’s gone some of the doubt just naturally creeps back in. But it’s not hard to bat it away now. Sion exhales out a very long sigh, runs his hands down his chest, and turns to go to bed.
Really, he’ll be just fine. He knows he will.
Back in the sleeping area Siyeon is in her own futon, her face lit by her phone screen. Sion expects to be teased after she saw them act so lovey dovey, but Siyeon barely even blinks at him. All she says is: “He’s a good influence on you, Oppa. It’s crazy.”
Sion can’t disagree with that. He slides under the covers with Megumi, who is already fast asleep. Though even while dead to the world she still noses into Sion’s neck. She always, always does. No matter how big she gets, no matter what age she turns, no matter where they are, she still…
Sion exhales. He pets over Megumi’s hair and presses a kiss to her forehead. “He’s so good, isn’t he?”
For a second Siyeon doesn’t say anything. But then her phone shuts off and she says in the pitch dark, her voice as firm as ever: “He is. You’re finally dating someone who deserves you.”
He doesn’t know how much she means that, but it means a lot to him. Sion closes his eyes. It kind of makes him want to cry, the fact that everyone sees in him a good man that he didn’t even know existed. But he wants to, he thinks, he wants to let go of the self-loathing and look in the mirror and see the Oh Sion that everyone else sees. Finally, he is-
“I…” Sion doesn’t know what to say. “You know, I really think I love him. Is that bad? Do you think it’s too soon?”
He’d never say this to anyone besides Siyeon because love is still such a daunting prospect to him and she’s the only one who grew up in the same shadows he did. Love has always been a shameful thing; wanting has always been an act of selfishness. And of course Sion doesn’t have any lingering feelings for Tsuchiko - god, how could he - but admittedly it was a little traumatizing to survive something like that. He couldn’t really grieve anything with the kid to take care of. But again, Sion can’t love anyone who doesn’t love Megumi, but Riku does, and she loves him back. And that’s still so-
Siyeon hums. She sounds sleepy. That’s one of the only big differences between them, she suffers from no insomnia at all. “No, it’s really good. And I think he loves you, too, Oppa…”
Sion can feel his heart in his chest pound, pound, pound because it’s an inevitably he’s been terrified of for so long. Being loved is… it’d be hard for him to be loved again. But Siyeon is right, he thinks. And he’s not so scared of the idea anymore, either. For the first time since Sion was ten years old he feels like he’s finally settled in his body, he feels settled period, he feels like he knows exactly what he wants without having to live a lie in the process.
“I think so, too,” Sion says even after he thinks Siyeon’s drifted off. “And I want to tell him…” Soon, he thinks. Or maybe not soon, but eventually. And that’s- it’s new, Sion being so certain about it. Before there was always the voice in the back of his head reminding him that he was being impulsive. But Riku is the least impulsive decision Sion has ever made and he- he loves him. He really thinks he does.
So Sion rolls over, takes Megumi into his arms, and falls asleep. It’s the lightest sleep he’s had in years. And when he wakes up in the morning, there is no dread waiting for him with the sunlight filtering in through the blinds. That has never happened before. Not in years and years and years and…
Megumi blinks awake, staring up at him through sleepy eyes. “Morning, Appa.” She yawns.
Sion smiles. He squeezes her close and presses a kiss to her forehead. “Morning, baby.” And he doesn’t feel guilty this time, he doesn’t feel terrified for her, he knows he is enough for the both of them.
It’s an incredible feeling. It’s new, but it’s incredible. And Sion’s going to hold onto this as tightly as he can because he’s done with the terror and the self hatred and the punishment. He’s done with it completely, he is- never again will he hold himself to the fear. Sion is loved and he is enough and Megumi smiles up at him and pulls him into a hug because she loves him more than she loves anything.
“Hehe. I’m so happy we got to have a sleepover, Appa,” she nuzzles into his cheek. “You’re the best.”
Sion exhales a long thing and nuzzles her back. There’s a prickling in his eyes but this time he isn’t scared of it. “I’m happy, too, Gumi.” He closes his eyes and inhales her, the scent of strawberry shampoo and a little bit of sweat and his own cologne. “I’m so happy we have each other…”
His voice trails off; Sion isn’t usually sappy with his kid. But Megumi grins into his cheek and he now understands that she only smiles like that because of him.
“So let’s have a happy day, too,” his sweet girl says. And then, finally, they do.